Thursday, May 31, 2007

Uh, none of this is really important at all.

I rather enjoy Smartfood popcorn. I've enjoyed it since as far back as I can remember. I rarely think to buy it, but my sister had a bag lying around (only slightly eaten) and I just polished the rest off. Now I owe her a bag.

One of the few things I like about my house is that we have a nice little forest right in back of it and every year (like last year) we get duckies! They come up to our backyard to feed (we always leave lots of bread and birdseed) and everyone just loves the duckies here. They're so sweet. Sometimes the whole family comes out, but today the male came separately, followed by his wife with all their children. Here's a picture of him and a couple of the mother and her's tough to count in the photo but there are eight ducklings in all!

Also I have a very small, very simple request to make of all the kind folks who read this. I'm sure there are quite a few people who read but don't comment often or at all. But I would really appreciate a quick response to this question, from everyone who reads this please. If you wish to elaborate on your answer, feel free. Or if you want to keep it to one word, that's also fine. But please do answer. It is something of a personal question, but I hope every person who reads takes four seconds to answer.

Who is your favourite Beatle? It's just something I was thinking of the other day for some bizarre reason and wanted to poll various people. And this seems as good a place as any to do so. So please let me's only for curiosity's sake. Feel free to try and guess who mine is. I'll reveal my answer in the next day or so.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Just when I didn’t think I could become any more pathetic!

I’ve just been working a lot lately and that’s pretty much been my life. Nothing really interesting to report, though I guess that shouldn’t come as anything of a shock to anyone. I’ve sort of settled into this new job I suppose, as much as is possible for me. I’m going to try and tough it out for a few months…I guess it ain’t so bad. The money is okay and they’re more than happy to give me hours. It’s pretty busy and fast paced (the opposite of what I have been doing) which is good in a sense, but in no way does it bring me any sense of fulfillment or happiness. It distracts me for eight hours a day (which I suppose is a plus) though I am still as miserable at the end of the day. Probably not any more so than I was before, but then again I don’t think that’s possible.

I hate Hugo Chavez. I’ve written about it before, but I really do. This story just made me sick to my fucking stomach. The freaks that actually support him are even worse. I just love the folks who actually take him seriously when he calls George Bush ‘the devil’ and shit like that. I know there are many people who really dislike Dubya and that’s fine by me. Just remember that he’ll no longer be president as of January 2009. But dictator Chavez wants to make himself ruler for life. And all the while you have these people who think it’s oh-so-grand (like that sack of shit Danny Glover, an actor I used to like). Gotta love the left-wing extremists.

Speaking of which I was going to write last time about how I was recently discriminated against as a conservative. I’m sure y’all are familiar with the whole facebook thing by now. Anyways, I received a friend request from someone I knew from back in high school, someone who was a fairly good friend. I add this person, all well and good. A day or two later I’m mucking about the site, adding photos, doing this and that. I join a few more of those silly ‘groups’ which are really just a symbolic thing, just for fun. So far as I know they don’t really do any good, they just let folks know where you stand on things, where your interests lie etc. A day or two after I do this I randomly check my list of ‘friends’ and happen to notice that I have exactly one fewer than I did a couple of days ago. No worries, people delete their accounts and the like. But when I go back to my main profile, I notice that this person that I had added was no longer listed on my recent updates. I double check and sure enough they are no longer amongst my friends though they are still with the site. It took me about 3/8 of a second to realize why they had done a very sudden about face and deleted me as a friend.

This person has very different views than I do. First of all, he or she is a homosexual. Secondly when first checking out their profile (as I always do when someone new is added) I saw that they had various groups that are frequently associated with more liberal ideology. Among the groups that I had joined were ones in support of traditional marriage and ones opposing abortion. I have no doubt in my mind that this person saw this and immediately decided to cut all ties to me. First off, I’m not losing any sleep over that. They’re not worth it. But it does sort of upset me in a more general sense, that being that people are so very often hating on me for what I believe in. I was well aware that this person had view diametrically opposed to my own and though I may not approve of their views, I hate that so many people are totally unable or unwilling to see beyond this stuff. One of the reasons I hate, HATE partisan politics (which is a whole other can of worms). One of my very best friends, Marty Boy, is also my complete political opposite. We have hard-core Archie Bunker / Meathead political debates. But at the same time we are very old friend, love football, beer, old movies and Cuban cigars. We find common ground. Yes I am a neo-conservative nut-job. I admit it. Now get over it. I remember also seeing a facebook which was something like ‘Every time I discover a cute boy is conservative part of me dies” and I thought it was pretty sad. Yes I know that it’s something of a joke, but I’m sure there are many people who actually feel that way. If I were a cute boy, I'd probably be a bit offended. As far as I’m concerned, you might be a bleeding heart liberal pussy, but so long as you’re happy to talk baseball with me (and you’re not Hugo Chavez) let’s grab a beer and leave the politics at home for a little while.

I know this is a very disjointed post but I’m just stringing together various things I have on my mind right now. Whatever I can think of really. I wish I had some coke. I’m not going to lie to you folks. I still haven’t been able to score any. If anyone could help me out, I’d be forever grateful. I know it’s sad but I’m being honest. I have very little to look forward to after all. The Blue Jays ain’t going nowhere this year. But at least they beat the Yankees who just keep on losing…that does make me happy.

And on a totally unrelated note, today I spent a good half hour browsing craigslist…for hookers. I actually did originally go to the site for something totally unrelated, saw the ‘erotic services’ section, clicked on it and spent a good while actually seriously perusing it. No I’m not going to make any inquiries today. But I am so very sadly considering it. If things don’t get any better, it might just come to this. And I don’t see any signs of improvement folks. Now my title makes sense, yes?

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Uh, I have nothing even worth posting.

Well my long weekend was terrible. It always is. I worked on the Saturday and the Sunday. Not like I'd have had any plans to speak of anyways. No life, remember? I did buy a water cooler. That's pretty much the highlight of the last few weeks for me...very sad. It was originally $204, then on sale for $169 and finally on clearance for $50. Me? I payed $25 for it. I wasn't in the market, but for that price you can't go wrong. Brand new, never been used or opened. How exciting.

Just been working a lot. That's pretty much it. I'm very tired and I don't think I'm any happier than I was before, but at least I'm distracted, occupied, whatever. I am making good money though or at least I think I am. When I see my first pay cheque from the new place (in a week) I'll see if it's all worth it. Perhaps I'll stick around there for a couple of months...not the whole summer though. Give myself the month of August off. But what would I do? Nothing...have nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to go or do it with.

Got my marks back. Solid B average this year, a few points better than last year and actually above where I thought I'd finish. So I suppose that's something. Only five credits to go...before I earn a useless undergrad degree in English. At the age of 27. How sad.

I thought I had something half amusing to mention but I guess I forgot. Whatever it was, I don't think it was anything special. God my life is empty. I so wish I could score some more you-know-what. Dammit.

********************UPDATE- 11:47 PM***************************

Now I remember what it was. Remember Hot Russian Girl? Okay most of you probably do not. Try this link or this one in case you have no clue. Or just do a search on the word 'Russian' on the top of the blog. Anyways, she had inquired about applying to work at the cigar store before. She actually does have a college degree and was working at a 'real job', but now she's going back to school (university) because she wants to pursue something else. Long story short, she just wants a part-time job while she's in school, just something to help pay the bills etc. She applied before with no success, but I came in today to find that she has now been hired!! My co-worker Carlos informed me of this when I came in and he was as thrilled as I was. Yes she does live with some dude but neither of us really care. She's hot. So very hot. Carlos saw her today when she came in for an interview and was as impressed as I. She starts training on Sunday...sadly on a day when I'm not working. However my evil boss Sanjay always likes to put trainees with me, seeing as I know more that anyone else does. So I am rather looking forward to working next week...ah how I love Hot Russian Girl, live in dude or not.

Friday, May 18, 2007

"Your luck has been completely changed today"

Or at least so it said in my fortune cookie, after eating disgusting mall quality Chinese food. Not only has nothing changed for me so far as I can tell, the "meal" has left me with quite the upset stomach. I guess the Orient is conspiring against me as well.

Eric Clapton's "Cocaine" just came on the radio as I sit here at work (old work). I kid you not. Ah, how I still wish I had some. But one really needs to have friends in order to have any 'connections' and it doesn't seem like I have either. So all I'm left with is my copy of Achtung Baby, my American Express card and my old rolled up twenty. What am I supposed to do with 'em now? Might as well cash in my US currency, even though it's not doing so strongly at the present. Still, I don't have much need for it and I could use the money in my account.

Ever since that one night...Was it just a lousy combination of things or was it inevitable that I'd have felt the way I do sooner or later? I mean something would have triggered it eventually...but as bad, I don't know. My muffler falling off as I pulled into bar parking lot was a bad omen and I'd probably have been best off getting back in my vehicle and driving all the way back home. But I soldiered on…of course she was there, just as I knew she would be. It’s still not easy. I really don’t care to see her again, too many painful memories. Of course there is a side of me that does want to, but I think I’m at the point now where I recognize that it’s just sheer torture. Last time she was pretty decent to me, which was nice. At least I didn’t feel like a total loser. Wasn’t the case this time. She was cold. I barely got a ‘hey’ as a greeting and she didn’t even seem to pay any attention to me singing. I noticed because she was sitting right in front of me as I was up there. Then again, I can’t blame her. No one seemed to care. Not only was I the bathroom break, I was a total show-killer. It was rough. And unlike last time, where I know I was off-key and just didn’t have it, I think I did very well this time. I truly do think I nailed "Drive" by The Cars, one of my favorite songs. I almost wish I had tanked it…it really is hard when you do your best and it’s still not good enough. And that’s exactly how I felt. And still sort of feel. The fellas were very kind in trying to convince me otherwise, but I saw the place empty. Maybe it’s just best I retire. I just don’t think I have it, whatever it is. I used to think I had at least something, but now…I’m not so sure.

Don’t know why I wrote about that two weeks after the fact. It just popped into my head for whatever reason. I guess I was trying to pinpoint the exact moment everything just went to pot. I felt like hell and even after bombing I still didn’t go home. I drove out to the party / club district (whatever it is) and got even more depressed. Lots of young people having fun, attractive ladies, all the sort of shit that makes things even worse. Lord I felt hideous. And it’s no one’s fault but my own. I do so wish that I could have fun and that just once in a while I could do something well. Just to feel like a success. Oh how I long to be a someone.

I have no idea where this all came from. I started this post earlier on while at work and finished it up just now. I was planning on writing about a certain form of discrimination that I recently received as a conservative and about on conversation I had many years ago concerning waste disposal in the wild. But they will wait until tomorrow or the weekend. I’ll have plenty of time to write…outside of working, not like I have any sort of plans.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

And I still have no car muffler

Sometimes I just come up with a post so dazzling, so captivating, so inspired that even someone as depressed and self-loathing as myself has to admit that in spite of it all, I can be quite a good writer. This is not one of them. This post will suck hardcore. You've been warned.

I'm not sure if I hate my new job. I think I do...I mean, I pretty much hate everything except for Bobo and baseball. It is giving me something to do, though perhaps too much. I'm frigging exhausted. At least I've drawn a later shift tomorrow, so I can sleep in a touch. Why am I working in plumbing? I know nothing about it...though I do suppose it will be a useful thing to pick up. However I suspect that I won't actually learn anything and get by with just common sense and stuff that I make up. I was going to call it quits after a week, but perhaps I'll stick with it for a couple of least make some money, pay off my bills and such. But not until the end of the summer. End of June at the latest. If I'm still there Labor Day, I'll be very upset at myself and the fact I was too much of a coward to quit.

The Godfather and The Godfather Part II were on Spike TV yesterday. When I got home, I largely just watched them both for the fiftieth time, though of course I have them on DVD. I had nothing else to do and nothing else was on. Though I've maintained this for years, the second film really is quite superior. I can't see how anyone can argue against that. The Godfather is of course a classic, but it's sequel just blows it out of the water. No question in my mind.

I took my lunch break the other day (actually yesterday) at some little pita place near where I work. 'Extreme Pita' I think it's called. As I was sitting and eating this very cute girl who worked there walked in, from her break I suppose. I think we made eye contact. Then again as I was leaving, I actually looked back and for a second I though that she smiled at me...and then I just told myself how stupid I was to even consider such a notion. How desperate I am to make something out of nothing. Quite sad really. Now I'm debating whether or not to go back or just avoid the place from now on. Part of me wants to, but I'll just be torturing myself. So why bother? I'll save money if I bring my own lunch anyways.

Hot girl in painting too. Right across from me. Do I come up with some farkakte excuse to go and talk to her, ask some painting question? What do you think I'll do? Seriously now.

Friday, May 11, 2007

My utter personal collapse, online for all to read!

Wow, things really are just falling off the rails...although I think my mood has stabilized somewhat in the last few days, I could just as easily fall apart again at any moment. One big thing or a few little things could trigger it I'm sure. I'm miserable while at home and out in public things aren't any better. No matter where I am, I'm unhappy, my head filled with thoughts of just how much I hate myself. 26 years old, still living at home, crappy car, no girl and with no chance to ever get one. Still have another year of university left and then what? Some bright future? I'm becoming more and more confident that it'll just have been a waste of four years and thousands of dollars. I hate my job, so I find another one. And of course I'm terrified of it. I start tomorrow and I'm as scared as hell about it. Not to mention it's making me even more unhappy. I never go out and on the rare occasions I do, it only serves to make me even sadder than I was before. That everyone else is having fun and that I'm incapable of it is nearly unbearable. I mean, it really hurts. The pretty girls, wearing less and less with the warmer weather don't make things easier. Or happy couples. I'm not sure which hurts more.

I thought that when I went to the hospital earlier this week, I might get some help. How foolish I was to think that. There really is no help for me, is there? Spent a few hours there, talked to various people (nurses, doctors, crisis workers), lay on some sort of cot that I found strangely comfortable, gave blood and urine samples, ate some hospital food and was sent home. Something about them not having an available space and that it's better than I work through things with my own therapist who knows me better after all. Saw him today and was pretty honest with him. Gonna try switching over to a new medication. What else is there that can be done though? Nothing is going to be able to convince me that I'm a worthwhile person, that I have anything going for me or ever will. So honestly don't know how much longer I'm going to last. Truthfully I might not make it through the summer. I'm writing this at work right now (old work) and am just a nervous fucking wreck. I'm shaking, biting my nails down the quick, having to stop myself from breaking down every so often and becoming morose whenever a hot girl walks by...there was one sitting at the bar and though I couldn't stop looking at her, I was just hoping she would leave. I'll never have her or anyone like her. So it's just torture, sheer torture.

So the new job I start tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to manage. In a way it seems as though it might be better, seeing as though it will be busier and thus giving me less chance to stew. But I'll have co-workers and customers to deal with. Having to learn new things, paying attention and interacting with people. I don't know if that's possible for me to do right now. I just want to crawl back into bed and not leave. I'm just so very tired all the time and have no desire to do anything. The one good thing about not really having any friends is that I'm not able to score any more yayo...if I could, I'm sure I would right now. A drink or two will have to suffice.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Amazing I made it to 200 posts...though it was a close call

It may not seem like a large number, but for someone whose posts are none too frequent and usually of substantial length, I think it's a pretty good number. Many of them are really essay sized. Now if only I could actually write real essay for real class with such ease...but I digress.

I just want to thank everyone who does read this on a regular or semi-regular basis. Your feedback is always much appreciated, as is just the knowledge that people check. And yes, I do have a hit counter dealie that I check every now and then, so I can keep decent track of the silent readers. So again, thank you.

I wish I could make this post something special, but in my present frame of mind, I'm going to have to say that it's just not possible. As I indicated in my last post, I was in the hospital the other day after some rough business. I don't really know if I'm ready to go into it in detail, but if you read this blog at all (or even its title) I'm sure you can put two and two together. I had a very bad night on Saturday night and when I came home, I did some things I should have and didn't even leave bed for the next 36 hours straight. Either I didn't want to or was incapable of doing so. I'm not sure. But I'm still alive and well....I don't know what else to say. Whether this has taught me anything or where I'm going from here...I understand this is all pretty vague, but please bare with me. As a side note, I just feel the need to say that there are two exemplary gentlemen who I know read this daily and with whom I had the pleasure of spending this past Saturday. I need to clarify that the reason I had such a shitty night was in no part their fault, none whatsoever. It was just a whole bunch of other things. A whole bunch of them...

Anyways, I'm going to try my very best and not leave this thing like I did a few months ago...I feel that would be a disservice to my kind readers. My updates might be sporadic and not always of the best quality, but I'll try my very best. This is a pretty dark time, I won't lie to y'all, but I do appreciate having this as an outlet and I certainly appreciate the many non-judgemental (I hope) people caring enough to give this thing a read every now and then. Take care folks.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

No, I ain't been so good lately, thanks for asking though!

Sorry that I haven't updated in close to a week. Things have been very busy, but not in a good way. I wasn't feeling very well over the weekend and was actually hospitalised on Monday, for the first time in my life in fact. I guess I should be proud of that in some perverse way. If I have the chance, I'll try and update this further. Thanks all.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Does this make facebook my best friend?

I do hope people still check this periodically, despite the frequent gaps in my posts. Shit happens and I'm just not able to find the time to compose these things. Okay, that's a damned lie and y'all know that. I'm lazy and / or don't feel like it and that's all there is to it. I have nothing better to be doing and that's no word of an exaggeration.

My birthday was (as usual) a bust. Had to go for a second interview for this crappy new job I'm supposed to be starting next week. My level of enthusiasm regarding it is next to nil, though the pay and the hours will be decent enough I suppose. I do need the cash. My school bills are starting to catch up to me, Bobo's operation was expensive and not only did I fork out $400+ to get my car to pass its emission test, I now have to replace the rear window. A crack that I've had for a year and hasn't moved, has suddenly spread 8" in a week. Nice. It will NOT be cheap. Because it's a Volvo, the part is irregular. What a shock that is. A new window will cost $1000 (!!) and the search for a used one was not easy. I finally located a suitable replacement just outside of Boston (!!!) that will ship it to me at enormous expense. They're asking a mere $50 for the window, yet have estimated the shipping will cost around $200 seeing as it's so delicate. Sounds sort of rough, but the only local one I had was $400 and with no guarantee that they'd be able to remove it without breaking it and no one else would even consider shipping. On the plus, I did get to speak to a guy with a really cool Boston accent over the phone.

I did get quite a few birthday wishes, though most were posts on my facebook wall. I shouldn't sound too ungrateful, it's certainly better than nothing at all. Yes it's even less personal than an email and yes there is a facebook birthday reminder, but it's still nice. No one had to acknowledge it and I'm happy at least that people did. A few kind people did call or email, which was nice. I went out to dinner with my mother and sister. That was pretty much it, that was the extent of my turning 26. Yippee.

Spent the Saturday night at home alone. Ordered a pizza. Drank beer. Watched COPS and then Spider-Man 2 on DVD. Drank more beer. May have done a few lines of coke off of a CD (Achtung Baby if anyone cares). This is what my life has become. It's wretched and I hope my empty life makes you all appreciate the relative fullness of your own lives.

Had an exam on Monday. I didn't really study for it, but I think I did well enough. This really hot girl from my Contemporary Drama class is also in that class. Waved to her in the exam room. Saw her after. She said something like "hey hot stuff" or something like that. No joke. This is one with whom I thought I had a prayer in hell, but she has a boyfriend. I still try and get somewhere, but fail. I was talking about this burrito place that I liked and casually suggested, "hey, we should go sometime". She seemed receptive to the idea. But it never happened. It never will (even though she mentioned it on Monday). It's a lost cause. For the record, I don't think she considers me 'hot stuff'. I think she's just one of those flirty types. I could say it to her and actually mean it, but when said to me...I have a feeling it's just empty words.

Knew another girl in the class. Also quite the looker. She was in my Victorian Lit class as well. This one I'd actually hang out with in between classes sometimes. Even had dinner and drinks with her once after class. But she also has a dude. She called me in fact, the day before this exam. Just to talk shop really. She really seems like one of those who will call or email only when they need something from you. And I'm just the sort of sap who can easily be exploited for such. Answering questions, scanning and sending over notes, spotting her for a coffee, carrying her books for her (seriously and our English professor joked about it on several occasions). Even drove her home from the subway a few times. It actually is on my way. But will I ever see her outside of the school setting? I highly doubt it.

So I guess that's where we are now. I'm supposed to have lunch with cute British girl, also from Victorian Lit class tomorrow. It's been postponed or cancelled or whatever a couple of times at least. She goes back to England in something like a week, so it would be nice to see her one last time. She's rather nice. Might attend another 'art party' this Friday, if I feel like it. If it weren't for the facebook website, I don't think I'd be invited anywhere, I swear. Another Tweed Blazer show is on Saturday. While it appears I've been bumped from the lineup, I guess I'll still be going. Don't have anyone to go with this time though and I'm not looking forward to the drive...I just hope my window is able to endure the trip.
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