Thank you government

I really felt lousy yesterday. I was at work and didn't even feel like being in public. I was just a bag of nerves. It was terrible. I must have gone out for 8 cigarettes iin a 6 hour span, normally I smoke 2 or 3 a day. Got home, polished off a big bottle of wine. It actually made me feel a bit better. Today wasn't so bad. I felt okay. Got my tax return in the mail (!!), so that's always a plus. $726.....hmmmm......what to blow it on? I wonder what $726 worth of porno looks like....? Maybe lap dances. Maybe beer. Maybe I should just buy myself a FUCKING LIFE or some confidence. Not sure where I'd go for either of those though.

How am I to think I'm a good person?

It's tough sometimes. I mean, on one hand, I really try to say encouraging things to myself. I'm polite, well spoken, intelligent and at least average looking. I really want to believe all these things about myself. I want to believe that I'm a nice person, a good person and that good things will eventually start to happen to me. But it's getting harder and harder to believe that every day.

A few people whom I consider friends (and I hope they think of me as such), often seem to not include me in various activities. Looking back to yesterday's post, I know that this is certainly not the first time that people have done something and I haven't been included. I suspect it may happen a lot. Sometimes I'll call around and see if anything's going down, but I'm finding it very rare that anyone (with a couple of exceptions) seems to call me. I wish I knew why that was. I just don't think that they enjoy spending time with me. Really makes me pretty sad. Maybe I'm not as nice a person as I thought I was.

Then last night, I did end up going out after my suspected snubbing, to a strip club (I don't like to use this term, but I will for lack of a less derogatory euphemism). Looking at some of the dancers there, I realize that women who look like that would NEVER want to have anything to do with a guy who looks like me. It really makes me feel low. One of them did compliment my hair, though I suspect she was just being nice. And yes, I've heard the advice to 'be confident' a million times and that 'confidence is sexy'. But what do I have to be confident about? I'm 24. I live at home. I drive a shitty car. I won't be out of school until I'm 27 years old. I am average looking AT BEST. If I were attractive I'm sure at least a few women might have approached me in all my years at some point. I've never been told that I'm attractive in my life without it being solicited in some way. NEVER. My own friends don't even want to spend time with me. How much of a personality can I have? And let's face facts, I don't know what I'm doing in the bedroom either. It's been so long, whatever little experience and skills I did have are surely gone.

I hate complaining all the time. I used to sort of enjoy it, but now I do it so much, it's like second nature. I wish I could have something to boast about, something to feel good about, some reason to be confident and say 'Hey, give me a chance. I won't let you down'. But I don't have any reasons and I know I'll never get that chance.

Really, I'd like to have a happy post

I would. I don't like being all miserable all the time. But I just can't do it on my own. Went to work today, fired off sort of an angry email (which I feel pretty bad about), got home and have done nothing since. No wait, that's a lie. I ironed some shirts. I sort of enjoy ironing. It's relaxing in a way.

So what to do tonight.....oh, wait. Looks like I've been ditched again. What a shock. My friends (I'd like to think they are) went to see a movie today. I was working and I don't think I would have cared to see it, but a courtesy invite would have been nice. Now, I could be entirely wrong on this one and if I am, I apologize. My guess is that they're all out somewhere. And it's also my guess that no one has given any thought of calling me up. Either that or they have and decided against it. If either one of those theories is correct, that really hurts. Again, I might be wrong. In which case I'll certainly feel bad. I know I've been in quite a funk recently and I've been doing a lot of complaining, but I do try to keep it to a minimum whilst in public.

Maybe nothing's going down. Maybe someone will still call. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

*update*

Right after spilling some red wine on the carpet (idiot), my good buddy 'Heavy D' indeed did call and ask if I wanted to still do something. He's a good friend! So, not such a bad night. Sometimes I just have to have faith.

This day just keeps getting better....

No, not really. I was in a lousy mood for various reasons, now I have more complications. They're work related and I really don't want to get into them here. It's pretty depressing though.

I was feeling really low last night and as I'm wont to do, I listened to my iPod in my room, while downing some bourbon. One good thing did come out of it, as I think I realized the exact moment at which rock and roll peaked. Now, I've always been a huge Elvis fan, can sing along to every Beatles song and own all of Led Zeppelin's stuff on vinyl, but for me it has to be U2's performance of their song "Bad" at Live-Aid in 1985. It's 12:34 long and just a mind-blowing performance. I can only imagine what it would have been like to have been there. I don't usually condone illegal downloading of music, but since this one isn't available commercially, do yourself a favour and grab it NOW!

My head is starting to hurt, I hope it's not another migraine. I get them occasionally. It's not fun. Right now I think I'll have a long soak in the tub and listen to some depressing music. Man, what a Friday night. I did give some thought of calling a few people up and going out to a strip club (don't know why, just had that thought), but I decided against it. I really don't even want to leave the house.

My first post

I really wish I had something good to say. But as usual, I feel like shit and don't. I really do hate my life, I mean nothing ever does go my way, does it? Well, the Blue Jays did sweep the BoSox, so that's a plus I suppose. And it is nice cigar weather, that makes me happy. Maybe I'll take Bobo (who also makes me happy) for a long walk and enjoy a fine Cuban. But, my misery will only be waiting for me when I return. *sigh*