Wednesday, October 15, 2008

REALLY short post

Real sorry to those of you who actually still check this. I've not been well at all lately, in a number of ways. I'll still try to return to this if I can. I'd like to, I really would. Thanks so much for your patience and understanding. This is a VERY tough time for me, but I'll try my best. Thanks.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Feeling more alone than ever before

Does anyone still read this? I wouldn't. It's something of a shame, too. This used to be a rather good blog with a healthy and active readership. But now the updates have dwindled to less than one a week due to the fact that its author (me) actually is too depressed to keep the thing up and in fact has great difficulty making it through the day without taking a three hour nap. Sad.

Even when under the influence of certain 'helpers' I still can't seem to bring myself to cobble together a coherent post. This one might not fall under that category, but amazingly it's the furthest I've gotten in quite a while. Even starting is becoming nearly impossible and when I do, it rarely gets finished. I'm surprised I don't have more unpublished drafts than I do. Anyways, I'm going to try and stumble my way through this and hopefully I get at least something off. Again, if anyone is still reading.

This is sort of a bummer. "High prices and declining quality"? I mean this is good news officially, what with these scumbags being caught before they reach the U.S. and Canada. But off the record? I can't afford to be paying more than I already am. Shit.

On the bright side, I love baseball. It's one of the few things that makes me happy. Even though my beloved Blue Jays have missed the playoffs again (for the 14th straight year) I'm still locked to the TV watching the division series. Both Chicago teams made the post season and both are already out, taking away any hopes of a North Side - South Side series. Still there's the potential for some great ball to be played. How about a BoSox vs. Dodgers World Series with Manny playing his former team? Yikes. And the Tampa Bay Rays? Unreal. From worst to first in the span of a year is amazing and they're still alive. I'll be sad when it's all over, seeing as it will take away one of my very few pleasures.

I'm having a hard time getting into the NFL this season for whatever reason. Usually football picks up where baseball leaves off, at least as far as I'm concerned. Hopefully it'll grab my interest before long. Even though the end of last season and the beginning of this one has left a sour taste in my mouth, I did enjoy attending a Bills game last year. It was pretty cool. I wonder if I can convince my old pal Marty Boy to take in another game this season. Otherwise I'm not sure who else I would go with. He doesn't call me all that often, but I forgive him seeing as we've been friends for so very long and I'm sure that he's a busy guy. Plus, he does at least call from time to time. He did call last week, though it was to inquire if I could help him move something. I was unavailable to do so, but gladly would have had I not been working. After all it's still nice of him to think of me.

Otherwise I pretty much have no life. Okay, so I have no life period. D Rock would call of course, but he's in Japan which sucks (though good for him, which is nice). Outside of work or running errands, I haven't been out of the house for close to a month. Went bowling with a young lady I've written about here before on several occasions (search keyword "Girly"). We went on a few dates, it didn't work out that way but we're still friends. I don't have many of those left. Can probably count them on my hands. I know that I'm not so good when it comes to calling people and asking them if they want to "hang out" or whatever. Yet I'm sure that many other people have the same problem and they aren't as utterly alone as I am.

That's really what I am. Alone. Dear God am I ever lonely. Yes I'm morbidly depressed nearly all the time and have considerable trouble even staying awake. But if someone invited me out somewhere, I'd jump at the chance and despite my actual feelings, be on my best behavior. It's a moot point though. Tomorrow I will be just as lonely as I am today and the same the day after and so on. At least I have Bobo. That's about it. Nothing else.

Anyways, I hope that if anyone is still reading this, you're better off than I. Hopefully you have friends to keep you company, maybe a bunch of them. Hopefully you don't spend every single Friday and Saturday night alone drinking yourself to sleep. You probably have a special somebody to keep you warm at night or have had at some point. I sure haven't, at least not for a very long time and not someone you have to 'settle' for. At the very least I hope you have someone to talk to. I wish I did, even once in a while. It might make me feel better. I wouldn't feel so sad, so worthless and so helpless.

It's something I'd love to get out of, don't get me wrong. But I just don't seem to have the energy to do my part in turning it around. And even if I worked at it there's no guarantee hard work and a positive attitude on my part would pay off. I've been trying the internet dating thing (which sort of worked for me a couple of years ago) with no success. No replies, no interest. No one cares about me anymore. The only person who calls me on a semi-regular basis is my "pharmacist", which is quite nice of him. He does well enough for himself and could certainly do without my business, yet is kind enough to at least give me a call every once in a while. It's not much, but it's all I ask for.
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