Sunday, September 28, 2008

By the time anyone reads this I'll likely be unconscious

I'm fairly confident that almost no one reads this anymore and that's probably my fault by and large. I rarely post and when I do, it's nowhere near as interesting as a lot of the well-written and thoughtful posts I used to compose. The fact that I actually AM far more depressed these days surely has a lot to do with that, ironically enough.

Anyways, I really feel like total shit right now. So lonely and feeling more and more like an utter failure every day. At this exact moment I am quite fucked up and wish I had someone, anyone to talk to. But I don't. Just the empty space that is this sad, sad blog. I just have this unbelievably awful feeling, one that feels as if it'll never go away. Talking to someone might be nice, might be a nice distraction. After all, I have nothing else to do right now. Even a brief conversation to prove that someone cares might just be enough so that I'm able to go to bed feeling even 1% good about myself. But it doesn't look like that's in the cards. I think I need a miracle at this point.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Beer and Bobo keeping me company at the moment

Right now I am at the very utmost pit of misery and although things haven't gotten any worse (so far as I can tell) I can see the potential for that to happen because I not able to picture life getting any better. I'm not any closer to finding any sort of a 'real' job, probably because I've barely put any effort into looking. I keep meaning to do something, polish off the resume, work on cover letters, explore and workopolis, check out a temp agency, whatever. But I've done very little in that regard. By the time I get home from my crappy job I'm so tired and miserable that I can barely move. Even when I have a day off like I did today nothing gets accomplished. I'm exhausted nearly all the time, probably at least one clue that I really, truly am depressed. And when the first thought that enters your mind when you wake up is inevitably "I wish I was dead", that can't be good.

I did make an attempt to volunteer for my party in the upcoming Federal Election. It's something I've been wanting to do the last couple of times but was too busy with school or at least that was my excuse because I was too scared or lazy to sign up. But this time I did do just that, yet no one has gotten back to me and it's been almost a week. I guess I'll try again but if I still don't get a reply, I'll really feel even more like a loser. Being rejected for volunteer work? Ouch. And it's something I think I actually want to do. I feel like a well-deserved majority mandate is within reach for Mr. Harper and the Conservative Party which is an exciting prospect for me. Maybe I'm not even good enough to be a tiny, insignificant part of it. Just to feel wanted...

Speaking of which, having no companionship (other than my dog) is really starting to get to me. I went out bowling with a friend this past Friday night. Before that my last social outing was to see a ballgame with my pal Coop. That was three weeks prior. Normal people, people who actually have friends get out more than once every three weeks or so I suspect. Christ, am I ever lonely. I'm not even going to get into female companionship because that's an even more upsetting chapter. I'm trying the lavalife thing and 'Hot or Not' which worked for me somewhat in the past. Right now I am having ZERO success. Maybe I'm subconsciously not trying, who knows? I just know I'm not getting any matches or replies or whatever. I used to. Now....well, now I have even less than I had before and that certainly wasn't much.

I'm also likely developing a substance abuse problem. Worse than before. Pretty much all my money seems to go into it, that and gasoline. If I had a social life I might be in real trouble because I don't know how I'd afford anything. Then again if my life was more pleasant I probably wouldn't have to rely upon all this shit to give me a boost. I don't know if that's necessarily true but I like to speculate. I do know that there was a time when I was happy at least some of the time and had people who would call me up to do shit. A time when I abusing my body with habits that are far too expensive. I'd drop the occasional big bucks on beer and lap-dances from time to time, but that was pretty much it. The last time I went to a strip club it left me feeling not only unfulfilled but rather empty. Having an attractive woman feign interest in me for the duration of a three minute song was no longer enough, no longer worth my twenty bucks. As time goes on I'm beginning to feel that it's the closest to being loved I'll ever get.

At least I don't smoke anymore. I'm probably the only person I know who quit smoking with absolutely no effort or conscious decision. I was a regular smoker but I can honestly say that I was never addicted. I just enjoyed it. Then it stopped bringing me pleasure, I just didn't like it any longer. So I stopped. But I guess that isn't so strange coming from me. There really isn't much that does bring me happiness or enjoyment anymore. I like to sleep. Because whenever I'm awake all I can seem to think of is just how sad I really am.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Well, fuck

There goes the 2008 NFL season as far as I'm concerned. An NFL season without its brightest star just doesn't seem as if it will have the same glitter. Hopefully I'm wrong.

If not it's again just one fewer thing for me to look forward to in my miserable life. Lord knows I need all the distractions I can get. I really can't afford to spend more on drugs than I already am. Shit.

At least the baseball playoffs will be coming up soon and while it looks as though my beloved Blue Jays will (once again) be sitting this October out (despite their recent 'too little too late' hot streak) at least the evil New York Yankees will be as well. I can take some solace in that. Let's see how many of their fair weather fans jump ship. Going to see the Jays play the Yankees down at the Rogers Centre is always frustrating because of all the supposed New York fans who show up (90% poseurs no doubt) to cheer on the evil empire. With any hope a losing season or two will inspire these 'sports fans' to take off their pinstripe jerseys and place them in the back of their closet alongside all the late 1990s Chicago Bulls gear they once wore.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Uh, hello blog?

It seems like half of my posts over the last few months begin with me apologizing for the fact that I've been completely neglecting to update the blog. This is only another of those. Sorry. I really want to get it together but lately things haven't been going well and I'm really not in a decent frame of mind, not by a long shot. I'm at a very difficult point in my life and I have a feeling that things aren't about to get better any time soon. Also sorry that all of my (semi) recent posts have been completely removed from the name of the blog, they've been mostly political shit etc. I'd like to get more personal but it's not that easy, at least right now. For now though, two things.

1. I've known this for a while now but after watching John McCain's speech tonight accepting his party's nomination for President it is so evident that this man must be the next President of the United States. Barack Obama is like a U.S. President in a Hollywood movie when compared to McCain. He looks nice, sounds nice, has a great image and all those things. Yet I really can't see how any intelligent person would SERIOUSLY think he should be the next leader of the free world. He seems like a decent fellow and perhaps (as Joe Lieberman pointed out) might one day be a good leader (at least if you're an ultra-liberal). But as President of the most powerful country in the world in these uncertain times? Yikes. I've never actually come out and said this before but I will now admit that I often wish that John McCain had won the nomination in 2000. He was the best man for the job eight years ago and he is still the best man for the job today. Without question.

2. I really like making lists, something which is probably evident to anyone who has reads this with any regularity. I've done many lists, of which the two most notable were my Top 100 Songs of the 1980s and my Top 100 Films of All-Time. The former I'm sure I'd make many changes to if I were to redo it. The latter was done more recently but I'm more confident in it and I couldn't see myself making any wholesale changes to anytime soon. Anyways, the one I always wanted to tackle was a list of the 100 Greatest Songs of All-Time, something which I think would be a massive undertaking on my part. I have the spare time, that's not a problem. However I just don't think I'd be able to put my mind to such a task given the fact that I may very well be on the verge of some sort of nervous breakdown. So I figured I might just cut to the chase.

Wait. Never mind. I had actually typed out what I consider to be the best song of all-time followed by two runners-up. Then I changed my mind. Maybe I will make that list after all. Hopefully it will give me something to live for. Sad as that may sound, right now I don't have much at all.
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