Monday, August 29, 2005

Oh, the lousiness of it all

Had a lousy weekend. I don't know why, I just feel so sad, so lonely all of a sudden. I think I'm feeling more alone and isolated everyday. It's so sad that I can't seem to have a normal 'dating lifestyle'. Some bad dates, some good dates, casual seeing someone, a friend with benefits, a sort-of-girlfriend, a long-term relationship, make out sessions with strangers, one night stands and all that sort of stuff. You know, the things normal, healthy young people experience. I don't even know where to get started on any or all of these things. I guess a good first step might involve getting out of the house more. If only I had someone to go out with.

My only bright spot was an email yesterday from 'Starbucks Girl'. Here it is:

Im sorry.

I know you called a couple of days ago.

I just began my new job at Failte. (

I am usually there until, like 3:45 at night so, I dont know when is cool to call.....

We should play catch again soon...


So she did get my message, which is nice and did respond. The last line sort of made me smile. The last time we hung out, we played catch in the dark, at a park near my house. Glad she enjoyed that, at least. I tried to give her a call yesterday (she wasn't home) and emailed her back, just in case. Told her she could call me anytime, my phone's always with me and it's off when I sleep anyways, so it won't disturb me (plus she can leave a message). Hopefully she'll call...I don't know if I should try calling / emailing her back again to try and make some definitive plans (i.e. "how about Thursday?") instead of just hoping she catches me. I really should start planning my days out in advance, rather then just hoping something materializes the day of. This was I might actually have something better to do then just stare at the wall, but on the other hand, I'm worried it may come across as me being desperate (i.e. planning to meet for drinks days in advance). Then again, I'm worried everything I do is desperate, likely because it is and I am.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

My brain is broken

Well, not quite. I'm just not motivated lately I guess. It's been a week since I last posted anything, so I figure I should at least try and write something. Things are neither better, nor worse. They're just...there. Summer is almost gone, school returns September 12 and I'm just going through the motions (of whatever it is I do).

Still miserable and lonely, I guess. Worked a lot this week (three 11 hour shifts...yuck). I tried to call Starbucks Girl (see last post) on Thursday to see if she wanted to hang out or something. She wasn't home. Her mom took a message. We'll see if she ever calls back. It took A LOT of effort for me to even call. Man, why am I so scared to call people? I guess it's the fear that they don't want to hang out or something better to do, as I'm guessing she did. Oh well. Tried calling Marty Boy as a backup, he was busy too. Everyone's too busy I guess. I shouldn't even bother.

Went out with my friend Blondie last night. Had dinner at East Side Mario's (well, I did, she had already eaten). Sat on the patio and two very attractive ladies started talking to us from the next table over. They were with some dude (whom they had also just met!) and invited us to come sit with them. I think they thought we were on a date (we were not, we're just friends)and seemed very nice. The random dude left shortly thereafter, leaving me at a table with three ladies! Again, one is just a friend, another was cute, but in her mid 30's (too old) and the last (who was VERY attractive) mentioned her boyfriend several times. No luck as usual, but I do know that this is the second time in two weeks strange women have started talking to me at a bar or restaurant. It's never happened before. Maybe it's my new hair. I have no idea. There may be hope for me yet.

Friday, August 19, 2005

My blog, my own personal therapist.

The really hot Russian Girl came in again the other night. Wow, she's unbelievably sexy. I We talked again, had a pleasant conversation about careers, school, exercising and vacations. We always seem to have something to talk about, it's really never seemed like forced small talk, at least not to me. I don't know what to do here, I really don't. She seems like a very cool person (not to mention the uber-hotness), but our relationship really isn't much more than customer-tobacco merchant. I'm pretty sure she doesn't even remember my name. How do I move beyond that? I sort of asked her out before, a few months ago and was politely dismissed. Should I try again? What do I say, how do I say it? Man, I'm really not much good at this. Where do I steer the conversation in order to lead up to "Hey, we should go grab a coffee sometime"?

Went out with Starbucks Girl (she doesn't work there anymore, but still) after work in Wednesday. She's the same one who lasted a week at my store (she just stopped showing up). I don't blame's a pretty shitty job. I was on MSN the other night, we were chatting, she suggested that we hang out, grab a drink if I'm ever bored. I said: "How 'bout you call me tomorrow after work?". She actually did. We went for a few drinks, then back to my take Bobo out. Took a walk through the park, played catch (it's not so easy in the dark), then back to the porch for some wine and a smoke. I was driving her home at around 1:00 AM, when on a whim, we decided to hit up 'the nudes', as she calls it. Not the greatest caliber of ladies on a Wednesday night, but still a fun time. S.G. actually persuaded me to get up on stage (something I've never done) in order to 'tip' the one hot dancer. I never would have gone and done it if left up to my own designs...I really am too much of a coward. I really do need more people to push me like that. After finally dropping her off home at around 2:30, we had one last drink (a ginger ale for me, I was driving after all) and we parted after a couple of hearty hugs and her insistence that I call her sometime, whenever I feel like doing something. Despite this, I'll still have trouble calling, being the coward I am. I'll have to force myself to do it I suppose. I know she’s not interested in that way, but it is always nice to have more friends.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I'm caught in a trap....

I think I would be remiss if I didn't mention this, the 28th anniversary of the passing of the great King of Rock & Roll, Elvis Presley. He will never leave the building.

Karaoke Part II

This is a long one, so get settled in. I'm rather proud of it. I think it may be my best post yet. I'll begin it with a declaration, if that's okay with you.

I love going to karaoke, I really do.

Maybe it's a reflection on my level of popularity, that despite this fact, I haven't gone in over a year. After Friday's excursion (see last post), another opportunity to test my pipes arose last night. Unlike the other, which was an 'event' (non-event was more like it), this was purely serendipitous.

After watching The Aristocrats at the Paramount downtown (not bad, but more a curiosity than entertainment) Bertmos, Heavy D, Beer and myself were left to choose our next course of action. Immediately across the street from the theatre was some sort of very happening looking club. Metro, I think it was called. Despite my distain for clubs, I was leaning towards waiting in the long line-up, in hopes that we'd get in (Bertmos and Heavy-D were a touch underdressed). It was probably the constant stream of impossibly hot girls entering the club that caught my attention, making me willing to brave the line and the sure to be steep cover charge, not to mention my hatred of noisy, crowded places. The others were less than keen at this prospect, owing to the fact that half our party was likely not going to get past the dress code and an (understandable) unwillingness to pay the cover, not to mention what were sure to be extravagant drink prices. Besides, Heavy D called my bluff: I wouldn't have actually done it. The whole prospect rather terrified me. As if I would actually be able to pick up women in a club anyway. In such a loud and crowded atmosphere, one's only hope in picking-up is the use of sheer sex-appeal and perhaps some dancing ability (both of which I have very little) as opposed to the application of one's personality, of which I at least have some. I'm just not sexy enough to get a girl just by dancing next to her or walking into her line of vision (no one is going to fall in love with me at first site, sadly). I instead have to hope that someone might actually find me interesting or fun or whatever. There must be someone out there who might find me interesting and at least somewhat attractive. I'm just not very likely to find them at a dance club. As an fun side note, Kanye West and Ludacris may have been in the club. I'm not really a fan of either, but that's still pretty cool.

So, with my nightclub dreams quashed, we decided to take a walk up to Queen Street and see what was shaking thereabouts. We settled upon The Rivoli Pool Hall, a nice bar / restaurant / pool hall. I had last been there as part of Everett's (rather dull) bachelor party weekend. The crowd skewed a bit older than us, but I remembered it as a nice place. Upon our arrival upstairs, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was karaoke night! Score! If I couldn't have the change to attempt (and fail) to pick up hot club chicks, at least I could have a few drinks and get a couple of songs in. Upon seating ourselves near the back of the bar area and fetching a round of drinks (I had rather well made Manhattan), I made the run to grab the song list.

Immediately upon beginning to leaf through it, the young lady sitting next to me asked if I was going to sing. She was GORGEOUS. Tall, slender, nicely tanned skin and golden blonde hair, she was instantly the most attractive random woman to ever just start talking to me in a bar. I replied that yes, I was going to sing and had settled on U2's "One". She said that she was doing "Why" by Annie Lennox and hopefully "Gloria" afterwards (The Laura Brannigan version). I asked her some particulars on the karaoke night (amounting to "Come here often?") and she replied that no, she was actually in town visiting from Rochester N.Y. I asked if she had taken the ferry in and indeed she had. Wow. I'm actually having a real conversation with a very interesting and attractive young lady I just met. She went up to sing her song (and did quite well) and I was informed my turn was fast approaching. As an aside, the overall quality of the singers was refreshingly high. It's fun to see the tone-deaf people here and there, but it grows wearisome very quickly.

Anyhow, a couple of singers later and my name was called. It's a wonder I can sing in front of a group of people (whilst completely sober) and yet have so much trouble dealing with an individual, one on one. Strange. "One" started up and I think I nailed it. My voice was powerful, I probably could have done it without the mic. Once I got to the falsetto part at the end, I knew I had done a great job. The crowd agreed, I got a hearty applause and numerous handshakes and high fives. Upon my triumphant return to our table in the back I was warmly congratulated by the beautiful stranger and asked if I knew Bryan Ferry. While not a huge fan, I did know a few of his songs and admired him as a vocalist. She thought I had the perfect voice to do "Jealous Guy" (actually a John Lennon cover). I was familiar with the song (though not Ferry's version) and agreed to do it, despite the fact I didn't know all the words (and wanted something a bit more challenging). But who am I to turn down a request from the stunning young lady, especially one who's obviously a fan of my vocal stylings?

We had a few more rounds and turns were taken by all the members of our party (Beer did "Atomic Dog" though he didn't know the words, Bertmos tackled the feminist empowerment anthem, "Bitch" after someone else did his first choice of 'White Rabbit' and D-Roc surprised me with a pretty good rendition of "She Don't Use Jelly"). The lady and I chatted some more (her name was Sarah, she likes to visit Toronto several times a year, was in town until Tuesday and worked as an esthetician) and turns for both of us approached again. By this time we had all moved right next to the stage (they closed off the back section). She went up and did her spirited version of "Gloria" and I was to follow. Upon finishing her song I stood to applaud and was rewarded with a kiss on the cheek for my efforts. Wow, I'd better not mess "Jealous Guy" up! I took to the stage ("Gloria" was still winding up and I falsettoed my way through the last little bit) and then "Jealous Guy" hit. She enjoyed it so much, I could see her imploring the fellow running the show to make sure and snap a picture of my performance (for their website, I guess). Despite my relative unfamiliarity with the song, it went as smooth as silk and was rewarded for my efforts with a congratulatory kiss and was told that I should sing that song every time. I think she really liked it.

At this point it was getting late. Last call was sounded, the bar, half as empty as it was when we arrived. Sarah stood up to leave, giving me a third kiss on the cheek (as well as one to each of the other members of the party). She and Rico then disappeared into the night, likely never to be seen by my eyes again. Rico is of course, her boyfriend. He sang "Give It Away", is originally from Boston, runs his own catering company and will share a bed with her that night, while I’ll be alone, as I always am. You see, I never had a chance.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

"Good job Ferris" said Bertmos

So...after a good start to the week, with things looking up (getting all my classes and passing my driving test), I'm back in the rut. After those two pieces of good news, I was hoping for a third, but it never came. Internet girl pretty much turned down my offer of meeting for coffee or to hang out or whatever. While it wasn't a flat out refusal, there was some serious avoidance of my question and topic changing. I asked in a very nice, nonchalant sort of way and was given the runaround. I guess she's creeped out my a guy who's willing to drive three and a half hours to meet her for coffee. Anyone who would do that must be a loser, after all, unable to meet any 'real' women. Maybe I'll ask again, but for now, I know when I'm beat (which is always).

Beyond that, I really don't have any prospects whatsoever. I have no clue what else to do. I guess I have to 'get out there' (whatever that means), thereby increasing my odds to be sure, but even on the occasions I do, I'm just too shy to talk to people. They scare me. I'm sure I'm not alone, there are plenty of shy people. Things still work out for them sometimes, things just sort of happen. Not to me though.

What else....went out to karaoke with Heavy D and Bertmos last night. It was this 'event' organized on one of the many websites I'm on. It was an okay time I guess. Better than 'Thunder Thighs' anyway. The attendees were a mixture of fat chicks and gay dudes. Nice. I did sing "Twist and Shout" and "Ain't No Sunshine" though. I thought my voice was in top form, though I got little love from the guy running the karaoke. The last time I did karaoke the guy running the show loved me and put me up like 8 times. I think my voice was actually stronger this time. Go figure.

So that's about it. I'm writing this to kill time while at work (no internet here, I'll post it when I get home). I'll step outside for a smoke break in a bit and maybe strike up a conversation with beautiful, funny, intelligent young lady who somehow has no plans tonight and would love to perhaps grab dinner, maybe go see a movie with me. But don't count on it.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

The number 3

It's been said that bad things tend to happen in 3's. I wonder if the same is true of good things? So far it's been a decent week. Tuesday I woke up at 6:00 AM (I didn't even know there was a 6:00 AM) for the second round of course selection. After being royally screwed the first time, I was not only able to get the two film classes I wanted, but also change my Shakespeare course from the un-Godly 9:00 AM (I hate mornings, can you tell?) to a more reasonable hour. Score. I pretty much have all my classes the exact way I want them next year.

Then today, despite all conventional wisdom, I actually passed my driving test. All the highway stuff went well (I do drive on the freeway a lot), plus I actually managed to parallel park on the first try! I really just got lucky. I'd have done as well had I had my eyes closed, I'm sure. So I now have my G licence and can drink and drive (well, I can have one or two). More importantly, I never have to take another driving exam ever! Very nice. The classes I want, plus a full licence...pretty good so far. Now what about number three?

Perhaps I'll win the lottery, likely not. It'd be nice, but that's probably asking too much. There is one thing I know that'd be great, but it's probably asking too much as well. I'm not even going to mention it, for fear on jinxing myself. Perhaps even expecting anything to happen is me setting myself up for a letdown. I tend to do that all the time. I was pessimistic in regards to me getting the courses I wanted and didn't give myself much chance of passing the test. Both worked out. So I have no reason not to be optimistic that maybe something else nice might happen, something unexpected. People often tell me that I have a bad attitude, it being at least part of the reason things never happen to me. Well, I'm hopeful, I'm optimistic. Let's see what happens with a positive outlook. Let's see if God or the cosmos or whatever is truly against me or if perhaps, I get thrown a bone here and there.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Happy B*rthd*y to Me

First off, I'm going for my G road test tomorrow. I didn't start driving until I was about 21 and have kept putting this next step off for a long time. Like everything, I'm terrified of failing, ergo put it off. If I fail, I'm pretty much screwed. I might have time to take the test once more before my licence expires. I pray it doesn't come to that. I'm really not a great driver (I hope they don't ask me to parallel park), so I really don't know how this will go. Right now, I'm a loser, but at least I'm a loser with a car. I don't think I could bare to be without one. Also, I don’t think it’ll help me any with the ladies. A guy who lives at home and doesn’t drive. Real catch. Wish me luck.

Secondly, I was having conversation with an MSN random last night regarding birthdays. She had her screen name as something like "4 Days 'till by B-Day", this being by no means the first MSN person to in essence advertise their upcoming birthday on MSN. Out of curiosity, I asked why she did it. She didn't really know why. Just to solicit birthday well wishes from MSN strangers, she supposed. All of her friends were well aware that her birthday (her 20th) was coming up. Also she was just excited that it was coming up. Fair enough. I for one do NOT care for my birthday for reasons that I don't care to (or need to) get into. Despite this, it would still make me feel wanted, loved, remembered, all that to be wished a "happy birthday". This year, I received ONE call wishing me a happy birthday (from my uncle). One friend (who longer speaks to me), emailed to wish me a happy birthday (his is two days after mine, not hard to forget). I know that people are busy and not all are good at remembering dates (I am, but in fairness, I'm the minority). I myself have a pretty good memory for dates and I don't remember everyone's birthday. Not everyone is expected to remember, but it would be nice if SOMEONE did. Forgetting the exact date is easy to do, but you'd think someone would have said, "Oh, your birthday is coming up" or something. Nope. My MSN friend said that if I were so hung up on people wishing me a "happy birthday" I should be more pro-active, if not go so far as to throw myself a party, at least gently remind people or do as she did, advertise it on MSN. I actually took her advice on the latter (though my birthday is in April) and did receive 8 or 9 well wishes, which was nice. I, of course immediately informed the kind well-wishers, that it was NOT my birthday, but thanked them for their kind words (one person seemed rather disgusted at the whole experiment, sadly). The bottom line is while my MSN friend won the bet over whether people do care; it would still be nice if I were remembered as well.

Maybe I just can't have it both ways, i.e. hate my birthday and still expect people to remember it. Maybe I'm not memorable enough. It's just nice having people think about you, even when you're not around and not necessarily on your birthday. But it's a good example. It must be a nice feeling to know that people are thinking about you.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Too lazy to blog

Jesus, I haven't posted since Tuesday. I really am lazy. I've just been entirely catatonic lately. Barely able to move, other than get up, shower, go to work, come home, vegetate. That's it. What a life. I don't even really go out anymore. Well, it looks like I am tonight for once. Yippee. I'm sure I'll have tons of fun. Judging from the dwindling feedback over the last few posts, I'm not even sure if anyone ever reads this anymore. Maybe it was my rather mean-spirited post earlier this week that turned people off. I can't say I blame them; I was a jerk.

On a strange note, I think I may be falling in love with a girl I've never met. I really am an idiot. I 'met' her on one of those dating sites which I spend too much time on (i.e. Lavalife, Hot or Not, Campus Kiss etc). She lives about a four hour drive away, so the odds of me ever actually meeting her are slim to none. We chat on MSN pretty much everyday, for at least an hour or two every time. She almost always messages me first, so it's not like I'm the one bugging her to talk. I really do love chatting with her, plus she is rather foxy. Again, she's rather far away. It's not like I'm ever going to meet her at any point. This is stupidity, isn't it? I really have to get a life.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I'm an asshole

I feel bad about my last post (even though no one read it). I was really, really feeling down yesterday. Lots of anger and sadness. I don't like it, but that's just how I feel most of the time. I'll try and stick with just the sadness from now on. Sorry.

Monday, August 01, 2005

"Long Weekend"

A crappy pseudo-long weekend, what a shock. Drinks with Bertmos and Heavy D on Friday (home by 9:30!) and I went 'swimming' on Saturday night. A friend from school was house sitting, coincidently just a five minute walk from my house. Her cousin has a cute little Wal*Mart pool (about 20' in diameter). That was Saturday. We watched The Producers on DVD afterwards. A funny film, she'd never seen it.

So that was it. That was all I did. What a life I have. I'm sure everyone else had a lot more fun than I did. Dang, I hate them all. I find myself really beginning to hate happy people.
I never really used to care how other people's lives were going, all the better if things were going well though. People ask "how are you" all the time and really don't care for what the response will be. I was one of those, but never wished anyone any ill-will. Now I'm not so sure. I see all these people going out, having a good time and it makes me sick. I see happy people, happy couples, whatever. Certainly no one can be happy all the time and these people have their share of trouble to be sure, but at the same time they all have a bit of fun, a bit of happiness in their lives. I sure as hell don't, why should anyone else? Whether it just comes to them or they have to work at it a bit, they have it. And I just don't have the strength to work at it. I know I'm basically telling anyone who's happy to just fuck off and I'm sorry if that's what comes across. But what am I supposed to think, how am I supposed to feel? It's been so long since I was happy. Cut me some slack here.
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