Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Ugh, I hate my stupid conscience or whatever it is

Okay, now I feel bad and feel the need to explain myself. If you want to know why, please read the last post and the last two comments on it. It seems that I said something like "I'm sticking around long enough for the sex and then getting the hell out as soon as is acceptable" (okay, my exact words) in response to the possibility that girly might, might be a nutbar. I don't know this yet and I'm really only dealing in speculation here. But I really, honestly do feel bad that Katie was offended by this. I don't like to upset people or make them lose respect for me or anything of that nature.

Now I did attempt to explain myself with the last comment, but I just want to ask people if what I've said is really so bad? Okay, I know that it doesn't exactly make me Mother Teresa here. But does it really make me such a bad guy? I just want sex is all. What's wrong with that? I mean, if I'm wrong and it turns out that she doesn't have any major issues, then all is well. But if that isn't the case, why can't I at least get a little fun out of this? Seriously, a guy like me really doesn't get many opportunities, so I really should be thankful for each and everyone and take what I can get. At this point in my life, I really don't need to be dealing with someone else's problems, just like Sam said.

I really don't like people thinking ill of me, I really don't. This is why I felt so strongly that I had to explain all this in a post unto itself. People who know me will tell you that I'm someone who's always thinking I'm doing everything wrong, that I'm a jerk, shit like that. But I really don't think so here. But I just don't know. If I am, please let me know. I already feel a little bad about it. Should I feel bad? I'm really not such a jerk, am I? I ask too many questions, I know.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Hmm, maybe I can double-date with my aunt and uncle?

A quick update on my weekend, folks.

Firstly, things went quite well last night with girly, despite the fact that initially I wasn't even in the mood to be there. That probably stemmed from the fact that it took me an hour and a half to drive to her house after work. The freeway was completely jammed and traffic gives me big time panic attacks. I mean, this was just ridiculous. I left at about 6:00 PM, but it was on a Saturday night, so it really shouldn't have been that bad, but it was. To put it into perspective, the return trip took only 35 minutes. So it was not fun getting there. Normally I'd have had a cigarette to calm my nerves, but she not only doesn't smoke, she's never had a cigarette or a drink (!!!) in her entire life, which got me to over-analyzing. I mean, I'm not sure if I can trust someone who doesn't drink (outside of religious reasons or being a recovering alcoholic). Got me back to thinking of one of the reasons why King Louis XVI didn't trust Robespierre: he only drank water, not wine. Louis saw this as a sign of fanaticism and I tend to agree. People who don't drink have something to hide and probably can't be fully trusted.

But I digress. Once I got there, things went swimmingly. Had dinner, went bowling, then watched "The Matador" on her couch. It's a fun little movie, I whole-heartedly recommend it. Again though, I'm getting off topic. She's definitely into me, that much I can tell. Is she still a little bit wacko? Perhaps. If I don't fuck things up royally (and I don't think I will, knock on wood), things will progress to the next level very soon. They likely would have last night, had not her parents been asleep upstairs!! At any rate, this takes a little bit of pressure off of me in regards to the girl in my English class, as well as some others that I haven't yet gotten a chance to write about. I mean, I still want to keep my options open, but now I feel as though I can do so at a more relaxed pace, taking things easy when it comes to other prospects, seeing as this one is going pretty well.

Otherwise, the weekend was pretty relaxed, which is nice compared to my rather harried one last weekend. Got to sleep in an extra hour, The Giants won and I've no assignments to be concerned over for now. Still, I shouldn't allow myself to get too complacent, I really should try to at least get somewhat of a head start on something or rather. Right.

Had a family function over at my uncle's place today. Nice to see the family once in a while, despite the fact it causes a lot of drama, seeing as my parents really hate each other, which leads to a lot of awkwardness. It's really complicated, so I'm not even going to try and get into it. It makes things much less enjoyable, let's just leave it at that. A free meal and free wine is always a good thing. Plus, my aunt's sister was there (she's in no way related to me), so I got to clumsily flirt with her! Yes, she is 47 years old, divorced and has kids, but I still think she's pretty hot! Like I said, I got to keep my options open, right?

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Gawd, am I drunk again?

Well my darlings, just a few quick points for now. My posts always end up being too long and I really should try and reign them in, so here goes it. Besides, I've had too much to drink, so it's difficult for me to focus. That means point form. Yes!!

1. Just finished watching game five of the World Series. Got to say congrats to the Cardinals, though I must confess I am a little disappointed. I mean, I like the organization, they have a lot of great players that I really like, but I was still sort of pulling for the Tigers. Firstly, the fact that the Cards won only 83 games in the regular season (less than my Blue Jays who didn't even make the playoffs!) leaves a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. Plus, they barely got past the Mets. But I have to give them props in this series, they totally owned it and David Eckstein totally deserves the MVP trophy. The Tigers played like shit, there's no two ways about it. If one were to just look at this removed from all else, they didn't even look like they belonged there at all. Their defense was nothing less than deplorable throughout (did anyone see Verlander's throw to third in game five? My dog could have made a better throw) and were it not for Kenny Rogers, they'd have been swept. In fact, I question Jim Leyland for not starting 'The Gambler' in this game, even on short rest. I'd have done it. Anyways, there's no point in me playing armchair manager now. But let me tell you, if I were a Tigers fan, I would not be happy with this team's performance in this series. Despite all they achieved this season, they looked like they had no place being there, with the exception of perhaps Rogers and Sean Casey. I know sometimes the better team simply wins, but the Tigers really should have been the better team. They have no one to blame but themselves.

2. I'm "hanging out" with girly tomorrow. This is the first time I'll be seeing her since the unpleasant incident when I was sick. I don't even know where we stand, to tell you the truth. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. Wish me luck? Do I even care anymore? I don't even know.

3. I am finding it nearly impossible to score painkillers for the...uh...'pain' that I'm in. How do all these people obtain Oxycontin and Vicodin and Percocet and all this stuff? How does one get a hook up for this shit, I mean really. If I wanted pot, I could probably get it no problem, but trying to get prescription painkillers is like pulling teeth. Hmmm, maybe I should have some teeth pulled...that might lead to me getting some!

4. That's it. I'm tired and I'm going to bed. The realization that football is all I have left until April is just now sinking in. And it ends in January. Damn!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

My, how the nights have grown cool

I've been promising a 'real' update for days now and here it is, at last. The last three posts have been rather lightweight, in fact it's been ten days since I posted anything about my crummy life. I've been very busy with essay writing, which is all done for the time being, I'm happy to say. So I'll see if I can't muster up something here. I'm just making all this up as I go, so forgive me if it's disjointed.

So I think I've finally gotten to the bottom of things with girly. She contacted me about a week ago with a text message which simply said 'hi' (deep, I know). I guess this is code for the fact that she wants to talk or something. So I finally ask again what I did. Seems that it was the fact that she still insisted that I "didn't want to be there" when we "hung out" the last time and that I made up an excuse to leave (um, yeah. I was sick). She said that she was over it, that if I wanted to talk to her or "hang out" again, it was up to me (the same thing I had told her!). I honestly don't know why there was ever a problem. I was sick, I explained that. But no, she has to read all sorts of things into it (which is ironic, seeing as that's how I usually am) and accuses me of all sorts of things I didn't do or think. I saw her last Thursday briefly, to buy some Girl Guide cookies from her niece (don't ask). Apparently we're 'cool' now. Talked to her briefly the other day (she was on her way to work) and I guess I'll call her tomorrow and ask her if she wants to do anything this weekend. If not, whatever. To be quite honest, I've lost a fair bit of interest. I still have the strong suspicion that she's a wacko.

As an aside to this, we were talking and her plans last weekend consisted of going to Buffalo / Niagara Falls with her friend that I thought was gay but "most definitely isn't". I don't know why this, for lack of a better word, bothers me. I guess it's still the fact that as far as I can tell, all of her friends are dudes. I mean, I went out last night with my friend Blondie, who is a lady (last time I checked) and with whom I have no romantic relationship. But I have friend of the same sex as well. Is there something a little odd about a girl who has nothing but male friends?

School has been okay. Like I said, I got all my shit done for the next little while, which is a relief. And I like the classes I have tomorrow. Part of the reason is that I might, might be making friends in a couple of them. But I don't know. There are three separate cases. I shall cover only case number one today, seeing as this is already getting to be a long entry.

Case number one involves a girl in my morning English class. The other week, I happened to sit next to her (or she to me, I forget). Anyways, this girl is rather cute, which in the past would have made a gutless coward like myself unable to say anything. But for some reason, some unknown reason I actually made myself talk to her. So I think of something. Notes. I know it's the standard thing to do, but I actually did need notes from a previous class. So I ask for them, she doesn't have them on her, but says that she has a photocopier at home, she'd be glad to do it. We'll see. Low and behold, she remembers! So we're on a friendly chit-chat basis before and after class, in fact the last couple of times she's come in after me and sat down next to me. She sure as hell doesn't have to, but she did. Also, she was the one who asked me my name before I asked for hers. Good things, I suppose. Now I guess I should make some sort of a 'move', if that's appropriate. I'm not sure what to do...I was going to go with the "hey, we should exchange email addresses if you ever need notes, etc". But now I'm leaning toward just asking if she wants to grab a coffee after class tomorrow. I can't do it on the Tuesday section of the class, seeing as I have another class right after. A few problems though.

First, I'm not sure if it's too early to do this. I mean maybe I should just chit-chat in class a little more before asking her if she want to grab a coffee. I might come on too strong. Another problem is that after Tuesday's class she went off with some other girl she knows in the class, who shares some other class with her. So I might have competition from within for after class coffee. Also the previous week I saw her meet up with some other girl who isn't in the class, though it is possible they just bumped into each other, I didn't see. So what if I say "hey, wanna grab a coffee?" and she's busy or can't for whatever reason? Now that doesn't seem like a big deal, but then that means I'd have to ask again. This also might seem as though I'm coming on too strong or something. So I just don't know. I guess I might have to make my mind up on this one by myself, unless someone comments before 11:00 AM tomorrow. Otherwise I'd have to wait another week and I really don't want to. She seems nice and not a wacko, at least from the limited conversations I've had. Plus, she's cuter than girly.

So that's it for now. I'm sure I have a lot more to cover, but it'll have to wait. Parts 2 and 3 of my potential school friend thing will follow, among other things. Baseball was rained out, so I had a lot of time to think.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

"Bobo My Dear, you have always been my inspiration please...remember me, Bobo my love..."

I know I promised an update, but this weekend has been crazy with research and essays and the like. I didn't even get a change to watch the Giants game tonight or Game 2 of the World Series last night! That's how busy with school I've been! Really, good for me that I'm at least semi-focusing (well, other than this).

Anyways, until I'm done everything for the next while (hopefully in an hour or two), I'll just post the latest picture I have of my beloved Bobo. He gets cuter and sweeter with every day that goes by, I swear. He really is the best doggie ever and I just love him lots and lots and lots and lots....

Thursday, October 19, 2006

As if I need something else that makes me weird

Mondays to Thursdays, I have class. Each day my first class happens to start at 11:00, so I can set my alarm to the same time every morning. That time happens to be 8:52 AM. Gives me enough time to shower, get dressed, feed Bobo, take him out etc. I've found it leaves me the perfect amount of time to do everything I need to do, get to school on time and maximize my sleeping-in. But why 8:52 you ask? Why not 8:50 or 8:45? You see, for some bizarre reason, the origins of which I have completely forgotten, I always set my alarm (which happens to be my cell phone, it works best) to a time that ends with a 2. Always. On Saturdays when I can sleep in, but need to be at work for 2:00, I set it for 12:12 PM. And so on and so forth, you get the point. I don't even know why I'm writing about this very strange compulsion of mine. I have some other stuff I want to write about, but I'm meeting Marty-Boy for a drink soon, so I don't have time right now. Tomorrow, for sure.

Monday, October 16, 2006

And I'll bet most of you thought he was dead.

But no.

That isn't the case.

He is back and in a big way.

After more than 20 years in the music / comedy business, "Weird Al" Yankovic has scored his first ever Top 10 hit on the Billboard Hot 100 with "White & Nerdy", a parody of "Ridin'" by Chamillionaire. I'll bet most of you thought that nothing would ever top masterpieces like "Eat It" or "Amish Paradise". Does this track? I don't know, but I do think it's pretty damned good. Give it a listen over at Al's Myspace. Sadly enough, this is probably the closest thing to rap music that I listen to, which probably makes me rather...well, you know.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

I'm beginning to suspect she may be a mental case...

So this is the latest MSN conversation between me and girly. She started it exactly as you see here, in response to my display name of "message me to know what I really think of you" (I was drunk).

Girly: what r your honest thoughts on me?

King Hippo: Oh my! Need I answer?

Girly: ya

King Hippo: Then I shall, if you truly want me to.

Girly: do it

King Hippo: I think...That you are an incredibly sweet, kind, fun, strong and beautiful young lady. Though I am a little mad at you, I do confess.

Girly: y r u mad at me?

King Hippo: Well, a little. I mean, I felt like I did something wrong!

Girly: u didnt i just felt worthless after hanging out withr u

King Hippo: *shocked emoticon* How dare you ever feel worthless! You sure as hell aren't worthless to me!

Girly: ya well thats not the way it came across with some comments/statements u made

King Hippo: What did I say?

Girly: just some things

King Hippo: If it came across that way...wow, I feel terrible. I was in a shitty mood, based on the fact I was hella sick. But I do not at ALL think that way. Please understand that.
But I'd love to know what exactly I said that was so wrong?

And I never got a response to my last question. I waited for like ten minutes but it was late, I was tired and Bobo needed to go out. So off to bed I went, incredibly confused. She asks what I think of her and I give her a 100% honest answer. But apparently, she felt "worthless" after hanging out with me? What the fuck? I mean, I know I was sick and not really in the best of moods, but I apologized for that. I would love to know what these "comments / statements" are that I supposedly made. I'll admit that I wasn't keen on being anywhere outside of bed that day, but I explained that more than once. What else am I supposed to do? I'd love to know what I said that was so wrong. I'll apologize for that if I have to, though I really don't feel like I have anything to apologize for. She herself says that I didn't do anything wrong, yet I made her feel worthless. Isn't that doing something wrong? Ugh. I'll wait another day or two, send her an email. I'll tell her that if I did do something that made her feel bad or offended her, I do sincerely apologize (for the umpteenth time), but until I know what that something may have been, I can't do so. If she wants to call me or email me or hang out anytime, I'd love to do so. But it's really up to her. If she wants to talk, I'm more than happy to. I'm sick and tired of having to practically beg people to get in touch with me or return my calls /emails.

This sounds like a reasonable course of action, yes? I think I'm being more than fair here. I really don't know what more people want from me. Seems like I have to donate a kidney in order to get someone to ever forgive me for something I may or may not have even done or to get them to respond to me or hang out with me or whatever. What the fuck is up with everyone? It's not just this one, I'm telling you. Off the top of my head I can think of at least several other examples of people who make giving me the time of day into pulling teeth. I just don't have the patience to deal with this shit anymore, I really don't.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Mel Gibson may give up the booze, but not me!

So I think I've realized the secret of success here. Well, okay maybe not quite. See, I had just written an entire post and then in my drunken state, accidentally lost the whole fucking thing, which really fucking burns me. But I'm not going to let it get to me. Shit happens.

Anyway, I think I'd be much more successful if I were just drunk all the time. I don't mean stupid, throwing up all over the streets drunk. I mean...well, just loose, comfortable. Honest. Like I am now. I think that's what I need. Now I know, it's not a real confidence. Yes, it is manufactured, but it's better that faking it. People can see phonies and besides, no one likes a fake. I know I don't. So perhaps I should just carry around my whiskey flask with me at all times. When I see a cute girl and I can't muster up the guts to talk to her, why not just take a shot (or two or three) of liquid courage to help me out? Instead of being consumed by fear and doubt and all that shit, I'm just going to say what I feel, do what I want, go for what I want. I can't do it on my own, I know that. So what's wrong with having a little helping hand?

In the spirit of my new-found total honesty, may I ask why the fuck we (and by we I mean the USA or Japan or any civilized country which cares about the safety of the free world) haven't bombed the living shit out of North Korea yet? Here we have a country, an isolationist, communist dictatorship, run by a man who is a TOTAL nutbar in possession of a nuclear weapon. If anyone disagrees with my assessment of this, please feel free to go ahead and live there for a day. Thanks, I thought so. Anyways, we have an official statement saying that any "attempts by the outside world to penalize North Korea with sanctions will be considered an act of war". Sanctions is the very least that should be done. I mean, my God, I feel for the poor suffering people who live under this tyranny. But if they think that sanctions are an act of war, why not just go the one logical step further and show them who's boss? What's to stop this impoverished country from selling these weapons to the highest bidder or in fact any bidder? Take them out NOW, before it's too late. Israel, thank God, did so with Iraq in the 1980's when they were developing nukes. It needs to be done now with North Korea before it goes any further. Treating these kind of threats with kid gloves isn't the answer here. A psychopath like Kim Jong Il doesn't understand that. The US has made the mistake of being too soft with Iran and not taking enough of a hardline approach in Iraq. They (and their allies) can't afford to make the same mistake here.

Sorry, this might come across as rambling. Again, I had to re-type it all from memory, seeing as it was all probably better the first time. At any rate, forgive my drunkenness.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Well, at least I'm not sick anymore

So this is what happens to within the span of 24 hours.

Yesterday, I'm supposed to meet girly after classes to do whatever. Not like we had specific plans, I figured a bite to eat, something casual. Hopefully I can put all of my self-defeating thoughts behind me. I'll try to be on my best behavior and in my best mind set. So I'm standing around waiting at out pre-determined waiting point. She's about 20 minutes late, so I decide to give her a call. It sounds as if I've just woken her up. Great. She's not even awake. Fine, she does work very wonky hours (she's a security guard), but I still don't feel great about being semi-stood up. I'm sure I've ranted on it before. She asks me what time it is and I tell her. So she says she's on her way, etc. I was thisclose to telling her to forget about it, largely because I was still rather sick and just in a crummy mood altogether (having to do with sickness and school mostly). But I didn't. So I go and do some stuff, come back in about 45 minutes. She finally shows up almost an hour after our original meeting time. Fine, whatever. Truth be told, I may have been a little annoying looking and sounding. I know, not the best way to come across, but I truly wasn't feeling well. I told her that right away, which was the honest truth. Her being late really had the least to do with it.

We go to some little breakfasty-type place, I order an omelet, she gets some jell-o. Again, I will say that I'm probably not the best company at this point, though I do realize such and begin to make a concerted effort to remedy that. Still she seems very distant, no eye contact, all that stuff. At one point I could swear she was going to break out into tears (she didn't). I ask her what's wrong and she won't answer. It's obviously something. I feel bad, maybe I was a bit of a jerk, though I didn't mean to be. Finally pressed, she tells me that she felt that I didn't want to be there, that sort of thing. Perhaps part of me did feel that way (the part that wanted to recover in bed), but I truthfully answer and tell her that of course I want to spend any time with her that I can, especially seeing that she'll be working something like a 4:00 PM to Midnight shift for the next week.

We talk a little more about this and that. Oh, I asked about her friend that I thought was gay and she said that "he definitely isn't". Her answer seemed to possibly imply certain things, but I'll leave that alone for now. After lunch we decide to call it an afternoon, I need to get going to get some rest and study (plus, she really didn't seem like she wanted to be there). We part on the subway and I barely even got a hug out of her (though I did get one no problem an hour or so earlier).

So I try and call later on to apologize, to tell her that I'm sorry that I wasn't great company as a result of my illness and assure her that I did indeed want to see her (which is all true). I called three times last night, no answer. Finally I called back today on one of my breaks and got a hold of her. I ask her if she's mad at me, I think. Before I could really talk, she says that she "can't talk" and I ask her point blank if she can't talk or doesn't want to. She says that we can "talk over MSN". Ouch. Which we did a few hours later. Here is a transcript of that conversation.


King Hippo says: Please don't be mad at me. I feel so bad :(

Girly says: im not

King Hippo says: But you don't even want to talk to me!

Girly says: that doesnt mean im mad at u

King Hippo says: Well, why don't you want to talk to me?

Girly says: i just dont

King Hippo says: Oh. I don't know what to say...

King Hippo says: That makes me sad is all I can think of saying.

Girly says: dont be it has nothing to do with u

King Hippo says: Was it anything I did or said?

King Hippo says: I know I was in a lousy mood yesterday, but that honestly and truly had NOTHING to do with you. I wanted to hang out with you, seriously!

Girly says: as i said it has nothing to do with u

King Hippo says: So...does this mean you don't want to talk to me or see me anymore?

Girly says: i didnt say that

King Hippo says: Ah...so is this one of those, "don't call me, I'll call you" things?

Girly says: i didnt say that either

King Hippo says: So...what should I do then?

Girly says: do whatever you want to do

King Hippo says: I tried to call you, but you didn't want to talk to me!

King Hippo says: Which made me sad.

Girly says: sorry

King Hippo says: It's okay, you don't have to apologize...I just want to know what's up and all that. I mean, I hope you're okay and I'd want to talk to you. If you don't want me to call I won't, but just say so.

Girly says: anyways gtg get ready for work ttyl

King Hippo says: Oh....okay.

King Hippo says: Take care I guess and I'll talk to you whenever?


Ouch. I mean...I don't even know where to begin. Am I to believe her when she says that she's not mad at me and it has nothing to do with me? Maybe that's just me being self centered. When I ask her why shedoesn'tt want to talk to me she says that she just doesn't and then when I ask her two seconds later if she doesn't want to talk to me anymore she says that she never said that. I should "do whatever I want"? Ugh. I don't even know anymore. Why can't I ever win, not even for a little while? Why do people play these games? Why can't people just tell me what's on their minds? I seriously have no patience for shit like this. If you don't like something I did or said, fucking TELL ME ABOUT IT. I might just be the only man in the history of the world who appreciates open and honest communication not only with my friends, but also with potential mates. FUCK.

I guess what I'd want to do is wait a couple days, write her an email (I'm not going to bother trying to call) and telling her that yes, I would like to talk to her again and I do enjoy spending time with her and that I'd love to hear from her. Ball in her court, that sort of shit. It's the truth. I just don't know if I should bother. But what other options do I have out there? None really. She stands between me and another long and lonely period of....um....lonelinesss. Something like that.

Monday, October 09, 2006

I don't think I was built to go on roller coasters

Sorry about the lack of a post this weekend, been rather sick (and still am). I wanted to do an update on Saturday night, plus various other things (mostly baseball related). I'll start with the latter, I suppose.

Even though I only was able to catch the last couple of innings of Game 4 between The Tigers and Yankees (other than a quick update here and there), I was sure loving it. God, I love watching the Yankees (and Alex Rodriguez, above) lose. I truly hate them so much. Indeed, the funny thing is that I hate them now more than I did before, despite the fact they're out. The team has made the playoffs for what, the last ten years straight? Something like that. And yet, it's still not good enough. Let's fire Joe Torre, let's tear the team apart, let's take a good look at the state of the organization etc etc. Boo hoo hoo, what a fucking sob story. Because they haven't won the World Series since (gasp!) 2000, heads must roll. Seriously, fuck off. My beloved Blue Jays haven't been to the post-season since they won the Series in '93. Some teams have it even worse than that. Live with it. $200 million payroll isn't enough? Let's make it $300 million! Christ, you don't win every God-damned year. Live with it. If you did, what would be the point of having 29 other teams, many of which are lucky to even be in the thick of things come August or September. This is exactly why I hate, HATE the Yankees and their fucking fans. I would love to see baseball operate with some sort of soft salary cap and then see the outrage of the fans in New York (and the posers in other places). They'd have to call in the fucking marines, I'll bet. I could really go on and on and on, but I'm ill and I've already got myself worked up too much. So I'll end it there. So good luck trading A-Fraud, good luck under Lou Pinella (or whoever they're going to bring in) and God forbid you go one more year without a World Series.

Just got back from seeing The Departed with 'Beer' and 'Chachi' (who may or may not be brothers, I'm not sure). The film was a bit of a mess, what with half the dialogue consisting of cell phone conversations, a somewhat convoluted plot and a few unintentionally silly moments, but the actors all make it worth while, even Leo (and Marky Mark!). I really do think Scorsese's best days are behind him, but with a cast like this a monkey could probably direct a pretty good picture.

Finally, Saturday night was the excursion to Wonderland for 'Fear Fest'. If anyone is thinking of attending, don't waste your time and money. I should hope the fact this thing is called 'Fear Fest' would have tipped you off, but just in case it didn't...well, you know. Again, I only went because girly wanted me to. So how was it, other than the lame haunted amusement part aspect (with one attraction called "Cornstalkers", no joke!!) you ask? Well in case I didn't mention it (and I'm pretty sure I did) it wasn't justthe two of us. No, also along for the ride(s) were three other friends of hers, all dudes. Now I know this isn't 1940's, women have male friends and vice versa. But right off the bat, a lady who only has dude friends...well, I don't know what to think of that. But I can get past that, I think. My problem is that this really didn't forward things, it sure wasn't a date unlike the last time. I don't know what to make of the evening. I'm supposed to see her again tomorrow to 'hang out' (provided I feel better), so hopefully I'll be able to make light of things by then.

What did trouble me about the whole thing is that I really felt inferior the whole night compared to these other guys. Why you ask? They all make more money than I do, no question. The dude who drove also has a Volvo, but his is new and mine is from the Cold War era. Another of the guys is a mechanic and from what I could infer, does quite well for himself (owns a van and a motorcycle). Anyone who thinks shit like this isn't an issue is seriously deluding themselves. On Sunday the fellow with the Volvo took her to Marineland and today Motorcycle dude is taking her to the hockey game. What are the natures of these relationships? I really can't say for certain. I do know that motorbike guy is OLD (at least 40) and new Volvo guy I strongly suspect to be gay. The other dude is fat, but I'm not including him in the equation for the time being. The point of all this is that I really, suddenly feel like such a loser. How long before she meets someone who isn't 40 or fat or gay and a nice car and money? Not long I'm sure. I can't compete with that. So I move on, right? To whom? Some girl who doesn't care about the nice car and money? She's not out there, at least not for a guy like me. At least that's what I'm thinking. I truly think that. I hate that I'm such a cynic, but it's hard not to be when you're ugly, poor, live at home and all the rest. The fact that I also almost threw up after some of the rides also couldn't have scored me points. I don't know...I just....it just seems that everytime I'm feeling even slightly good about myself, something comes along and ruins it.

Great, I am not thoroughly depressed. Wow. Yup, I wish I was dead. I truly have nothing going for me, at least compared to other guys. And even if I did, say stuff like being funny and interesting and sweet, shit like that, who the hell is going to ever notice when you're ugly and drive a shitty car? Has this one? Perhaps. But it won't be long before a funny, interesting and sweet guy comes along with the nice car and handsome face. Won't be long at all. Fuck, I wish I was dead. These thoughts won't leave my head. This pain isn't ever going to end.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

It shouldn't be this difficult to make a blog entry

Sorry folks, I know that once again I haven't been updating this thing. Not only do I have this terrible lazy streak, there's also the school thing and the fact that I'm just so bloody tired all the time. I don't really feel like doing an update right now, but I should at least write something, at least to confirm that I am still alive.

Still far behind on various reading and such. Won't be long before various assignments are due and though I could very easily have started on several, I've done squat. No surprise there. Class really continues to be uneventful; I show up, I take notes, I go home. There are a couple of other issues I would like to bring up, but again, the laziness thing. Even writing takes up too much of my damned energy.

One interesting thing did happen to me today though, which I do think is worth noting. A couple of months ago, I was sitting in my sister's car, waiting for her to return something at a store or something like that. I don't actually remember and it doesn't really matter. What does, is that unlike my car, my sister's is always a bloody mess with all sorts of crap always strewn about. One of those things was an old copy of NOW Magazine which was left lying on the floor. In order to pass the time, I decided to take a glance at it and came across a mention of someone whom I had known in my first couple of years of high school, someone who was one of my few friends those miserable first few years (the last two were a good time though, but I digress). Anyways, she moved away at the beginning of Grade 11 and we lost touch shortly thereafter. It always saddened me that this happened and I so I decided to Google her on the off chance I might find an email address or something, which I did. Long story short, I said that we should grab a coffee, that it would be cool to see each other, seeing as we hadn't in about ten years (!!!). Today we finally got around to doing so and though I guess it was nice to see her again after all this time, I doubt that we'll be doing more than exchanging Christmas cards hereafter at best.

I don't know where I was going with all this, but in a sense I'm sort of sad that I did see her again. She was someone that I had considered to have been a very close friend in the past, someone that I remembered with wistful nostalgia. Seeing her today was...well, sort of a let down. I guess I wish that I was happier (in a strange melancholy sense) remembering her as she was back then, rather than now. I guess this doesn't make any sense. It's just one of those things that's hard to put into words, even for someone with my literary skills. Hope you all got the gist of it.

So that's it, long weekend coming up. The weather should be nice. Going to this silly thing at Wonderland with girly on Saturday. Hope it goes well, have already made tentative plans to see her next week as well. For tonight it's just me staying in with a bottle of red wine and one of them chocolate orange dealies. Cheers.
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