Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Well, at least I'm not sick anymore

So this is what happens to within the span of 24 hours.

Yesterday, I'm supposed to meet girly after classes to do whatever. Not like we had specific plans, I figured a bite to eat, something casual. Hopefully I can put all of my self-defeating thoughts behind me. I'll try to be on my best behavior and in my best mind set. So I'm standing around waiting at out pre-determined waiting point. She's about 20 minutes late, so I decide to give her a call. It sounds as if I've just woken her up. Great. She's not even awake. Fine, she does work very wonky hours (she's a security guard), but I still don't feel great about being semi-stood up. I'm sure I've ranted on it before. She asks me what time it is and I tell her. So she says she's on her way, etc. I was thisclose to telling her to forget about it, largely because I was still rather sick and just in a crummy mood altogether (having to do with sickness and school mostly). But I didn't. So I go and do some stuff, come back in about 45 minutes. She finally shows up almost an hour after our original meeting time. Fine, whatever. Truth be told, I may have been a little annoying looking and sounding. I know, not the best way to come across, but I truly wasn't feeling well. I told her that right away, which was the honest truth. Her being late really had the least to do with it.

We go to some little breakfasty-type place, I order an omelet, she gets some jell-o. Again, I will say that I'm probably not the best company at this point, though I do realize such and begin to make a concerted effort to remedy that. Still she seems very distant, no eye contact, all that stuff. At one point I could swear she was going to break out into tears (she didn't). I ask her what's wrong and she won't answer. It's obviously something. I feel bad, maybe I was a bit of a jerk, though I didn't mean to be. Finally pressed, she tells me that she felt that I didn't want to be there, that sort of thing. Perhaps part of me did feel that way (the part that wanted to recover in bed), but I truthfully answer and tell her that of course I want to spend any time with her that I can, especially seeing that she'll be working something like a 4:00 PM to Midnight shift for the next week.

We talk a little more about this and that. Oh, I asked about her friend that I thought was gay and she said that "he definitely isn't". Her answer seemed to possibly imply certain things, but I'll leave that alone for now. After lunch we decide to call it an afternoon, I need to get going to get some rest and study (plus, she really didn't seem like she wanted to be there). We part on the subway and I barely even got a hug out of her (though I did get one no problem an hour or so earlier).

So I try and call later on to apologize, to tell her that I'm sorry that I wasn't great company as a result of my illness and assure her that I did indeed want to see her (which is all true). I called three times last night, no answer. Finally I called back today on one of my breaks and got a hold of her. I ask her if she's mad at me, I think. Before I could really talk, she says that she "can't talk" and I ask her point blank if she can't talk or doesn't want to. She says that we can "talk over MSN". Ouch. Which we did a few hours later. Here is a transcript of that conversation.


King Hippo says: Please don't be mad at me. I feel so bad :(

Girly says: im not

King Hippo says: But you don't even want to talk to me!

Girly says: that doesnt mean im mad at u

King Hippo says: Well, why don't you want to talk to me?

Girly says: i just dont

King Hippo says: Oh. I don't know what to say...

King Hippo says: That makes me sad is all I can think of saying.

Girly says: dont be it has nothing to do with u

King Hippo says: Was it anything I did or said?

King Hippo says: I know I was in a lousy mood yesterday, but that honestly and truly had NOTHING to do with you. I wanted to hang out with you, seriously!

Girly says: as i said it has nothing to do with u

King Hippo says: So...does this mean you don't want to talk to me or see me anymore?

Girly says: i didnt say that

King Hippo says: is this one of those, "don't call me, I'll call you" things?

Girly says: i didnt say that either

King Hippo says: So...what should I do then?

Girly says: do whatever you want to do

King Hippo says: I tried to call you, but you didn't want to talk to me!

King Hippo says: Which made me sad.

Girly says: sorry

King Hippo says: It's okay, you don't have to apologize...I just want to know what's up and all that. I mean, I hope you're okay and I'd want to talk to you. If you don't want me to call I won't, but just say so.

Girly says: anyways gtg get ready for work ttyl

King Hippo says: Oh....okay.

King Hippo says: Take care I guess and I'll talk to you whenever?


Ouch. I mean...I don't even know where to begin. Am I to believe her when she says that she's not mad at me and it has nothing to do with me? Maybe that's just me being self centered. When I ask her why shedoesn'tt want to talk to me she says that she just doesn't and then when I ask her two seconds later if she doesn't want to talk to me anymore she says that she never said that. I should "do whatever I want"? Ugh. I don't even know anymore. Why can't I ever win, not even for a little while? Why do people play these games? Why can't people just tell me what's on their minds? I seriously have no patience for shit like this. If you don't like something I did or said, fucking TELL ME ABOUT IT. I might just be the only man in the history of the world who appreciates open and honest communication not only with my friends, but also with potential mates. FUCK.

I guess what I'd want to do is wait a couple days, write her an email (I'm not going to bother trying to call) and telling her that yes, I would like to talk to her again and I do enjoy spending time with her and that I'd love to hear from her. Ball in her court, that sort of shit. It's the truth. I just don't know if I should bother. But what other options do I have out there? None really. She stands between me and another long and lonely period Something like that.


Blogger KatieG said...

she's probably not lying - i highly doubt in the interaction as you described it that you really could have "done something." her responses seem rather cold, distant,and actually inconsistent.

sadly, if you keep being nice and apologizing for nothing, it just gets annoying. if you act like a jerk and tell her off, or not tell her off, just act disinterested next interaction....she'll probably react.

don't worry or stress or freak out so much. she was fucking late to something and then accused you of not wanting to be there? huh? is she kidding? she should have been the one apologizing to you. seriously.

October 12, 2006 2:19 AM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

She did apologize for being late, I did leave that out. But otherwise everything else you said is valid. She did indeed however accuse me of not wanting to be there, this is true.

October 12, 2006 12:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you're an idiot. Why would you go see her if you're feeling sick. Get better then see her. The start of a relationship is not the time to be together when you're not feeling good - that should only happen when you're serious. That MSN transcript was pathetic - why would you keep asking the same question over and over? You're fucking everything up. This is harsh, but you need a good slap in the face.

You fully expect her not to like you/find someone better/lose interest - that much is obvious from your last few posts. You're going into this expecting to get hurt/shafted/discarded. If you go in with that attitude IT WILL HAPPEN. Stop apologizing to people and stop asking them why they aren't doing what you want/expect.

Why would you ask if dude is gay? Why do you care? You're asking questions/making statements to her as if you're trying to get her to say something that will piss you off or disapoint you. Stop sabotaging your relationships!!


October 12, 2006 2:44 PM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

Well, we had made plans to do something before I got sick and I do agree it probably would have been best to call things off, I decided against it because:

A-Like I said, I wouldn't get a chance to see her for at least a week.

B-I didn't want her to feel as if I was ditching her.

Yes, it may have been the wrond decision, I realize that now. And I asked her the same questions over and over because she wouldn't give me a straight answer of any sort.

My question is, what should I do now? Is it worth doing anything? I'm still not totally convinced this was my fault, something I did. I really don't know. Girls are messed up.

October 12, 2006 3:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

YES!! OH MY GOD YES!! I Totally agree with Sam!! Just CALM THE HELL DOWN!! Holy... It DOES get pretty damn annoying when someone constantly asks "What's wrong? Did I do something to upset you? Are you mad at me?" Boo hoo... The more you press for the same answers the less likely someone will answer you. Maybe... JUST MAYBE... there's something going on in her life that she possibly doesn't want to share with you? Maybe not everyone is willing to just drop their emotional feelings on the table for someone who analyzes everything to the extreme.

Just try a little something called "Giving the girl some space." It works... really, it does. Yeah, show her you're still there by saying "If you need anything, blah blah blah" or "How are you feeling?" Instead of asking her questions about You. Seriously, chill and breathe.

I TOTALLY agree with Sam's comment. Way to be, way to be...

October 12, 2006 3:28 PM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

You're all right, I know I really should can the constant apologizing. It's something that I do all the time, in all circumstances. I always think I've done something wrong, no matter what the circumstances may be. I really wish I could be the polar opposite and just be a total asshole and not care. Or at least find some middle ground.

It probably is too late. I think I've fucked things up already and there's no point in trying to fix them. Don't know if it would do any good.

I guess I've fucked it up, just like I fuck up everything else in my life. Is it any wonder this blog is called what it is?

October 12, 2006 8:13 PM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

As another little note, I only asked her these things because I actually care. I guess I should stop giving a shit about other people's feelings and only give a damn about myself. I don't mean to be flippant in saying that, it just goes along with the fact that I really should be more of an asshole.

October 12, 2006 8:15 PM  
Blogger KatieG said...

It probably is too late. I think I've fucked things up already and there's no point in trying to fix them. Don't know if it would do any good.

I guess I've fucked it up, just like I fuck up everything else in my life. Is it any wonder this blog is called what it is?

No. you didn't DO anything. that's my point. you met up, you hung out, it wasn't as good as it has been in the past. but that doesn't necessarily mean anything at all. don't weigh so much on each and every word or action. and you certainly shouldn't be saying the things you said above...

buddy, you gotta chill out and not beat yourself up over things that are meaningless. let it go. let the IM conversation go. stop stressing. give it a day or two, and give her a call. give her some space, then give her a call, and see how it goes. if she's still distant or uninterested...then, maybe just let it go. but do not let your life be based on these minor interactions.

seriously - just relax. like i said, she's the one that was late to begin with and she's giving you grief about not wanting to be there. that's stupid. and manipulative, if you ask me.

October 13, 2006 2:37 AM  

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