Things are not going so well, truth be told.
Back to school. My classes seem okay, I guess.
I am incredibly miserable. Seriously.
I suspected that going back would do this to me and I was right. It has to do with the fact that I'm around such a large group of people for most of the day and yet never do I feel more alone. Gosh. I don't know what it is about it, but I feel so much worse when I'm there. It's the whole lack of friends thing, I suppose. Of course I see plenty of people sitting alone or walking alone, probably even the majority. But I have to believe that at some point, in some class they have someone that they talk to, someone to 'hang out' with, someone they occasionally grab a coffee with in between classes. And I just feel like I'm the only person that has no one. It's not a nice feeling. I wish I knew how to make friends, I really do. But I fear that it's just too late. I've already been there for 2 1/2 years and nothing really.
Last year I had that Cute Red Headed Girl, but she transferred to Ryerson. She said she'd keep in touch. I suspected that she was just saying so and I was right. Do you think I'll ever talk to her again? Not a chance. She even deleted me off her MSN. Yes, I checked. If I haven't seen someone online for a while, I see if they still have me on their list and sure enough, she does not. The only other people I ever talked to were a couple of people from my first year Lord of the Rings nerd class, which was a very small class. But it's not like I made any real friends. Just people to sit next to in a couple of classes.
I really do think it's too late for me to make any friends, at school or otherwise. Everyone is bound to already have people whom they've known for God knows how long. Let's say I do somehow figure out how to meet someone (I haven't the slightest clue). Perhaps we have a friendly chat, grab a drink, whatever. At the end of it, that person is going to go back to their real friends and perhaps see me whenever, from time to time. I can't see myself doing any better than a 'pal' or a casual chum. Whatever few friends I do have all seem to have their own group of 'real' friends. I certainly don't mean that as a dig towards them, I just can't think of better terminology at the time. The essence of it is that I'll see these people here and there, grab a drink, see a movie etc. once in a while. But each of the has a larger group that they'll hang out with on a regular basis. For me, I might see so-and-so here and the other person here. But I don't have that. How do I get that? It's too late, isn't it?
Things are going to get a lot worse and they're not all that rosey right now. I can just feel it. I'm sinking here. I feel helpless, angry, sad and lonely all at the same time. I really can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I don't think I ever will be again.
I am incredibly miserable. Seriously.
I suspected that going back would do this to me and I was right. It has to do with the fact that I'm around such a large group of people for most of the day and yet never do I feel more alone. Gosh. I don't know what it is about it, but I feel so much worse when I'm there. It's the whole lack of friends thing, I suppose. Of course I see plenty of people sitting alone or walking alone, probably even the majority. But I have to believe that at some point, in some class they have someone that they talk to, someone to 'hang out' with, someone they occasionally grab a coffee with in between classes. And I just feel like I'm the only person that has no one. It's not a nice feeling. I wish I knew how to make friends, I really do. But I fear that it's just too late. I've already been there for 2 1/2 years and nothing really.
Last year I had that Cute Red Headed Girl, but she transferred to Ryerson. She said she'd keep in touch. I suspected that she was just saying so and I was right. Do you think I'll ever talk to her again? Not a chance. She even deleted me off her MSN. Yes, I checked. If I haven't seen someone online for a while, I see if they still have me on their list and sure enough, she does not. The only other people I ever talked to were a couple of people from my first year Lord of the Rings nerd class, which was a very small class. But it's not like I made any real friends. Just people to sit next to in a couple of classes.
I really do think it's too late for me to make any friends, at school or otherwise. Everyone is bound to already have people whom they've known for God knows how long. Let's say I do somehow figure out how to meet someone (I haven't the slightest clue). Perhaps we have a friendly chat, grab a drink, whatever. At the end of it, that person is going to go back to their real friends and perhaps see me whenever, from time to time. I can't see myself doing any better than a 'pal' or a casual chum. Whatever few friends I do have all seem to have their own group of 'real' friends. I certainly don't mean that as a dig towards them, I just can't think of better terminology at the time. The essence of it is that I'll see these people here and there, grab a drink, see a movie etc. once in a while. But each of the has a larger group that they'll hang out with on a regular basis. For me, I might see so-and-so here and the other person here. But I don't have that. How do I get that? It's too late, isn't it?
Things are going to get a lot worse and they're not all that rosey right now. I can just feel it. I'm sinking here. I feel helpless, angry, sad and lonely all at the same time. I really can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I don't think I ever will be again.
posted by King Hippo at 11:36 PM
4 Comments:
are you, by chance, in law school? that was a pretty miserable time for me...mainly because i was never sure i was making the right choice being a lawyer...and everyone around me, i mean EVERYONE, seemed so certain, so sure, so intense. and i just pretended.
ok - i stand corrected - now, you have indeed managed to make this the world's most depressing blog. good job. at least you're living up to your reputation. that you can be proud of.
No, I am not. My sister plans to attend law school after completing her Masters this year, for which she recieved a massive scholarship. Her marks are excellent, she is a a very good student and will likely make very good money someday. Myself, I am an English student, still working on an under-grad. Despite all this, she will still admit that I am smarter than she is.
I just found your blog and I'm bombarding you with comments but you sound a lot like I was in college (down to the major). I'm back in school teaching part-time and see all the chances I didn't take.
I don't know what it's like on your campus but check out any of the drama/film clubs. Around here they are desparate for new members. Most of the people in the clubs are pretty decent people but like to talk a lot. They are starving for quiet types who can listen. I have no way of knowing if it would be the same where you are but it's worth a look.
I don't mind the 'bombardment' as you call it, at all. I'm happy to have people reading and commenting. Makes me feel loved.
Anyways, I have given some thought to joining some sort of club, but there are several obstacles.
Firstly, I am terried to do so, for fear that the people there will hate me. This should come as no surprise.
Secondly, I don't know what there is out there and truthfully I don't know if any of them would be 'for me'.
Lastly, it takes me anywhere from an hour to and hour fifteen to travel to school every day and the same back. Between a full course load (which I can barely handle), a part time job, a dog to look after and sleep, I don't think I'd have the time. In a perfect world I would live near the school or have lived in residence (well, if I had started when I was 18/19).
Though the club thing is a good idea in theory, I just can't see it working.
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