An increasingly rare update on how things are going

Well piglets, here we stand. You so faithful in regularly checking my humble blog for updates and I, so poor in producing them. For that I apologize, as I often have in the past. You see, depression is wonderful, terrible thing. Despite having gotten a healthy eight hours sleep, I still struggle through the day, barely able to keep my eyes open. Simple reading, a trifling 20-30 pages in length seem insurmountable, no matter how straightforward they may be. A stranger becomes the most awful thing imaginable in the whole world, something to be feared to the point where one is completely unable to approach said person, unfoundedly believing that they hate you without having ever met you. And a piddling little blog entry becomes a graduate term paper, even though it should take no more than a few minutes. Molehills become mountains, that sort of thing. Everything becomes magnified exponentially, so many things I wish I could do and probably could, if only my mind were free and clear of all doubts and insecurities. If I put my mind to it, could I accomplish anything, just as the old axiom states? It's possible, I suppose. The trouble is that I just can't seem to get my mind to go in the direction I want it to, for try as I might, I cannot seem to make all the rotten feelings inside it go away. It's a painful thing to bear and I hope that one day that pain might disappear. But it endures, beyond my realm of control. My thoughts are my thoughts and I just don't have the power to affect them, at least not now or tomorrow. One day is all I can hope for.

So how have I been? Well, as always, I'm still here. Last week was NOT a good one at all. You name it, I was depressed about it. These days, the lack or companionship, both platonic and romantic weigh heaviest upon my brow, but that might change (though I suspect it will always be near the forefront of my troubles). School is two weeks old and I've barely glanced at anything I'm supposed to read. I've just been too miserable. Today however, I have managed to make a significant dent in Oliver Twist and I can only hope that this newfound concentration lasts. Maybe it's the classical music I have playing right now, I'm not sure. The good thing is, now that I've started the book, I'm sure I'll have little trouble finishing. That's always how it is and I'm sure I'm not alone. I just have to stop being so fucking lazy, I guess.

Nothing fun happened to me this weekend (surprise, surprise). Spent all day yesterday watching football and drinking beer. I probably should have done at least some reading. Tomorrow I'm actually off to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers with my friend Blondie. She really likes them and wanted to 'pay me back' or something from when I took her to see U2. I'm not a huge fan, but I'm sure it'll be fun. It'll be my first social outing of any kind in several weeks and if things continue to form, will be my last for a few weeks.

On a final note, an interesting thing happened to me on Friday. As a result of the 'Hot or Not' website, which I've spoken about many a time here, I have many random girls on my little MSN dealy. Okay, perhaps not many, but at least a few. Many of them I don't talk to anymore, perhaps a couple I went on one date with once upon a time, several live far, far away and many I attempt to speak to and am largely ignored by. However, there are a kind few who humor me.

One of these young ladies noticed my oh-so-cheery MSN name, which read something like "Why don't you just leave me alone and let me die in peace" or something like that (okay, it was exactly that). She asked me if I was okay, how things were, etc. I've spoken to this one a few times in the past and was actually brutally honest about how I constantly wish I were dead and other pleasant things of that nature. Anyways, after inquiring as to my mood (this was Thursday night), I'm shocked to find my phone ring. It was her. I had completely forgotten that I had given her my number, though I now seem to recall that we had exchanged numbers and she said something along the lines of "call me if you're ever blue or need someone to talk to". Well, she called me and we actually talked for about an hour about various things. The topic got onto what we were both doing over the weekend (she works as a security guard and is working nights for the next week or so) and I told her that I was working and not much else. I tell her where I work and she says, "well maybe I'll come visit you sometime, like tomorrow". Just to cheer me up, she says. Now I'm someone who doesn't believe things unless I see them, especially when it concerns people making promises to me. I've been burned too many times. But lo and behold, she shows up around 5:30 Friday afternoon. She lives all the way in the east end and I'm in the western suburbs. She doesn't have a car and in order to get to where I work, she had to take the subway and then a bus for a total of about an hour and a half, either way. We talked for perhaps an hour again, not counting time I was helping various idiot customers. Since she came all this way, I offered to buy her something to eat or drink, to which she finally acquiesced (some sushi and an orange juice). Eventually she had to go on her way, to brave another hour and a half commute and then a Midnight to Noon shift at some office building (ouch). We hugged goodbye (she then insisted on a second hug), I said we should do something sometime, she said sure. I later got a text message on my phone which said that it was nice to meet me, if I ever want to talk she's just a phone call away and that she hopes to see me soon (with a smiley face).

That's it, that's what happened to me on Friday. Wild, huh? I'm really not sure what to think of all this, though I do over think everything, granted. I know that I should read this as a HUGE deal. This girl is pretty cute I must say (a bit tom boyish, but I nit-pick too much), went WAY the hell out of her way just to pay me a small visit, said that "I look better in person", made mention of "when I broke up with my ex" (leading me to believe she is currently unattached) and any other positives you could pick up on in the above paragraph. But wait. I've also complained to her many times over the MSN about how unhappy I am, how I have no friends and no life, all the cheery stuff I often talk about here. Why would she still be interested in me? I know I am HORRIBLE at reading signs, I mean I'm like a near-sighted base runner making the turn running towards third base with the ball bobbled out in right. But as far as I could tell, everything seemed to point towards "we should go out sometime". Am I wrong? Maybe she's just feeling sorry for me and trying to be my friend. In fact, I even called her on that directly and she denied any form of pity. So am I conclude that this girl (who doesn't seem to have any major scarring or mental malfunction) is interested in me, despite all the gory details I've told her about my life and the inner-workings of my mind? I never know what to think. I should just call her, shouldn't I? Well, she said she was working for 14 days straight (nights for the next little while), but I should still call. Yes? See, this is how self-destructive I am. I know I'm doing it and yet I'm powerless to stop it. I should call. But I'll end up fucking it up. I don't know how I haven't already, but I feel I somehow will. You should all be thankful that your minds don't work this way. You have no clue as to how frustrating it is.

Wow, that was pretty good. I can be quite a writer if I try. I'm sure I have the skills within me to write a book or something. But then again, if it pains me to even write a blog entry, trying my hand at a novel or something would just be torturous.