I feel really sad

I was going to post on last night's karaoke. But I don't think I can now. Things are really starting to come apart for me. I'm feeling real helpless right now. Real down. I can't articulate it. But things have really started to crumble. I think I may be on the verge of a breakdown. Things are just really bad. I don't know if I'll be posting for a while. Maybe I will. I just don't know. I'm just feeling a lot of hurt right now and I don't know if I have the strength to carry on.

My Day

This is somewhat of a continuation of my last comment on the previous post, but it also involves some new thoughts, so I thought I'd put it here. My thinking is a bit disjointed right now, but I'll try and keep this post as coherent as possible. There are four major events and thoughts which have consumed my day thus far. Let's go over them.

Failed a film exam today. Though I was woefully ill-prepared for it, I might have emerged relatively unscathed, had a major question been on the one week of screenings that I missed. I had no idea what I was watching. Damn you 1920's French Avant-Garde cinema. On the upside, the really cute red haired girl (it's actually more of a deep orange and I'm quite sure it's not her natural colour seeing as it doesn't match her complexion, but I digress) sat next to me for the test. She's pretty. Of course we're writing an exam, I can't really talk to her during it. Not like I'd have the guts anyways. But after it was over, I let out sort of an audible sigh, to which she said something like "Oh, don't worry, it's over now". I tried to awkwardly chat with her briefly about the test or something (I have no idea, I'm such a blathering, inarticulate idiot). While I think that I now have enough for future interaction to be based upon, I'm really not sure. Where do I go from here? If I see her sitting at a table in the cafeteria, is it too much to sit beside her? What if I ask to sit there? Which is less creepy? How do I go about trying to be friends with her? When do I approach her and where and how? What do I say? And why is this so hard?

Also got my hair cut. It was really getting out of control at the back. Another few weeks and would have been sporting a 1980's style semi-mullet like the lead singer of a-ha. Disturbing. I'm even beginning to burden Tanya (my stylist) with my girl problems. I never used to. I know people keep telling me the reason I'm not able to get any is because I'm so depressing, but I never used to be nearly as bad. It must be something else. I must just not be attractive. The cute receptionist was working today. Unlike my job, she's almost always busy, so I'm not really able to talk with her for more than a minute or two. I keep trying to gradually steer the conversation to a casual "So what are you up to tonight", always with the hopes she has no plans. She usually does, which is fine. I could always reply with something like "You're always too busy to do something with me" or something slightly jokey along those lines. But it never gets that far.

Daphne's post from yesterday (I'd link to it, but I know she'd rather me not) sort of got me down. Really thought about it a lot, how EVERYONE has had more sex than me. I mean, part of being young is having fun. I wish I could forget people that I've had sex with. I wish I couldn't count them all on my hands (one hand, actually). And it's not like I've ever been in a long term relationship. I mean, that would be cool, a legitimate reason for not having many partners. Or if it doesn't really mean much to you. But in my case, all it means is that no one wants to be with me. I hate not being fuckable. The only reason I've ever had sex lately is as a direct result of lowering my standards, as terrible as that sounds. She's not that bad I suppose, but in truth no great beauty by a long shot. Sorry if I care about physical attraction. Everyone does. Those that say they don't are liars. I'm not expecting to be having sex every night with Playboy models or whatever, I just want a normal healthy sex life. Is that so wrong?

Finally as a bit of a continuation from my last post, it really does suck having no friends. Beer said that I have plenty of friends, but I know this sadly isn't the case. If I did, I'd be able to find at least someone to go with me to this thing tomorrow. I wouldn't be sitting at home like a loser every Saturday night. This really isn't so much of a new thing either. That is to say, I'm not sure how much of it has to do with my lousy attitude. I never had many friends. The friends I did have, have either moved away, lost touch with me (or me with them) or have real lives. Man, I really need friends. And it seems impossible to make new friends without having any old ones. If I had old friends, they might introduce me to people they know and I might become friends with them. But that can't happen to me now. And let's say I go to this karaoke thing tomorrow. I sing well. I have a drink or two, loosen up. Some people are friendly and talk to me. Despite the fact that I'm probably the least 'in' person there, people are friendly, say "Hey, we're going to so and so next weekend. You should come. Bring some friends". How am I supposed to respond? "Gee thanks, I'd love to, but I don't have any friends, so I can't bring any". If I were to say this to you, you'd very quickly reconsider your opinion of me as a cool guy, wouldn't you?

Yet another dilemma

I'm in between classes right now, so I'm going to probably make this one short.

I've been invited to a birthday party this Friday for a girl that I barely know (she's actually a friend's ex). We've met maybe twice and at first I thought that I had been invited simply as part of a mass email, perhaps by mistake. But the invitation was intentional, in fact she was a bit upset that I thought I was only included as part of a mailing list. I guess I can't blame her for being a bit offended. Anyhow, my dilemma is whether to attend or not. I certainly would like to. It's being held at a very nice place, at which there will be karaoke (which I love) and she seems like a very nice person. My problems are:

A: I don't know her very well at all.

B: I won't know anyone there, in fact.

I really would like to attend, the trouble is that in addition to this, I really have no friends that I could bring along (which makes me feel like a bit of a loser, which I suppose I am). I'm really not sure what to do here. Again, I'd really love to go, seeing as I love karaoke and this is the first time in eons anyone has invited me anywhere. The fact that I won't know anyone is a bit of a problem, but worse than that is the fact that I have no one to bring and this makes me feel pretty sad. This will just go to show that I have no friends, which may make me look rather pathetic. I don't want to just sit in the corner by myself. I wouldn't look so bad if I brought a friend along or if I knew her better. But as it stands, I'm afraid that I'll just be some loser guy who had nothing better to do on a Friday night than hang out with a bunch of people he doesn't know. People will think "Oh, he has no friends", which is probably true.

I know this sounds like more complaining (and I guess it is), but I just don't know how to deal with this situation. Advice? Anyone? Sigh.

The Emperor Norton

Dear Wikipedia,

Please make your site a pay site, so I won't waste so much of my time on it. It's causing me to fail school and lose lots of sleep. Thanks.

Yours Truly,

-King Hippo


Seriously, I need help. Instead of doing homework, I spend hours just looking random shit up on Wikipedia for hours on end. Instead of doing my film assignment, I think I spent the between 2 and 4 in the morning last night looking up random shit about old pro-wrestlers, recent Canadian and American elections and various cigarette brands. My mind wanders so much, it's not even funny. I can concentrate on anything but the thing I need to do. I have another essay I should be doing right now. And yet, here I am.



















Anyhow, I love those Uncle John's Bathroom Reader books (chalk full of great trivia and such) and came across one of my all-time favourite articles again today. I decided to Wikipedia it and their article is is even more thorough than the bathroom book, so go nuts folks. I smiled when I read it. Make sure to read all about Joshua A. Norton, the first and only, Emperor of the United States.

Why, oh why?

I just had to get all political there. Really, I should have known better. I know that anytime you get all political and such, people are always going to disagree with you, but I really don't have the time or energy for pointless "inter-feuds" with random trolls. Post a reply or polite rebuttal. I have no problem with that, in fact I encourage it. But people who argue, often just for the very sake of arguing, I really have no time for. People have disagreed with me on here before, mildly told me off when I was being too much of a depressing jerk and I've no problem with that. I was being a depressing jerk. When I'm wrong, I'll admit it. But if people are going to be assholes for no reason, I'm just going to delete the comment. I really hate to censor like that, but I'm not going to have all civility just fly out the window here. Please feel free to disagree with me at any time. I'm happy to reply to any comments, but I just don't have any desire to spend countless hours writing multiple back and forth comments. I may lament my lack of a 'life', but even I have more important things to do.

So what else...

Saw that girl I'm sort of seeing again on Friday. I really have to end it before Christmas-time. Things are well beyond phone or email break-up. This ain't gonna be easy. I know it's not meant to be when all I can think of after engaging in certain activities, all I can think is "I need to end this". Yikes.

Went to the Raptors game with 'Beer' yesterday. Fun times, even if the "Craptors" lost again. They did make a real run towards the end, sending the game to overtime with no time left on the clock, but a loss is a loss. Oh well. Haven't gone to see 'em since they played in the Skydome. Wow! While I was purchasing the first of my three $9 (!!!) beers, the very cute girl who served me started asking me questions about some project she was supposedly doing. She asked me "Do you drink beer often" and I said "I guess so". She had a list of various invented beer names and was asking me which I liked and if I had any clever suggestions (at the time I didn't, though A ton popped into my head afterwards). She even blew off other customers to continue talking to me (they were not impressed)! I had the intention of going back and buying another beer from her, but when I walked by, her kiosk thingee was closed. I'm still not over it. Was this girl flirting with me? Was she really just doing some stupid project? And why did I return to the game? I should have kept talking to her. But no, I had to watch basketball. And when I came back, she was gone. Just like that girl at the karaoke bar, I'll never see her again. I am so stupid.

Working (ha!) on a 1500 word essay that was due yesterday. I've barely started. Have another due Wednesday. I'm just not able to focus at all. Is this how everyone is? Or am I just an idiot? (Don't answer that). I have class at 11:00, so I have about nine hours to finish this, assuming I go on ZERO sleep. I supposed I could skip that class and just go to the 2:00 PM class to hand in my essay. I really do hate to miss class though. I don't know anyone, so there's no way for me to get missed notes. I suppose I could use it as an excuse to finally talk to that cute red haired girl. But I won't. I'll end up going to class. I'm just too much of a coward.

A rant

As I said last post, from now on there'll be a healthy mix of pop culture / political opinion / agonizing self-pity on this blog, in order to show people that I'm not just a sorry, wretched, self loathing, manic depressive loser. Today, let's try for the politicizing, with a bit of my own unhappy life mixed in.

Tomorrow, for those of you who don't know, is Remembrance Day (Veteran's Day in the States) and this year marked the 60th anniversary of the end of World War II. Now I know there aren't that many WW2 and Korean War veterans as there once were and very few from the first World War left, but I hope we as Canadians never forget the sacrifice these brave men and women made, to ensure that future generations, such as us, could live in a world of freedom and prosperity. I'm not going to get into that any more, seeing as others touch on it all the time and certainly more eloquently than I. But one thing that really, REALLY bothers me, is the fact that I see so very few people wearing poppies, in support and remembrance of our brave veterans. I ride the subway in Toronto almost everyday, go to the biggest university in the country, work in the largest mall in the province. It's fair to say that I see a lot of people. And so very few of them are wearing poppies. It saddens me, really. And it's not just young people. I take a mental note of who's wearing one and those who are (and by extension, those who are not), don't fall into any specific demographic, old or young, black or white, men or women. The only breakdown that I can see is: Those who care vs. those who don't. It's that simple. Yeah, I know those things fall off easily and it's easy to forget to put it on in the morning, whatever. I have mine on everyday, it's not that hard. If I happen to loose it (which, remarkably this year I haven't), I'll put another $.50-$1.00 in the box and get another one. I know this is something I should have said well before Remembrance Day, but as usual, better late than never. I'm sure much of it has to do with apathy or whatever. But I swear, I used to see more poppies in years passed. Maybe people really are forgetting. I pray that isn't the case.

I remember back in high school, I believe it was an English class, where the class was having some discussion or rather about Remembrance Day. I don't remember the particulars of it very well, but I do remember one comment a fellow classmate made. He went on about how he didn't think we should be celebrating Remembrance Day or wearing poppies and all that, as it glorified war etc. Of course, he was just a stupid high school student who missed the point entirely, but that didn't stop me from letting him have it. I mean, I freaked out at this ignorant dumbass. I think I actually did call him ignorant. I'm not sure what that has to do with the poppy thing, but I just thought of it. I guess it's just the stupid liberal mentality a lot of young people have these days. Really, what the fuck is wrong with young people these days? The liberal media and school systems are seriously warping them. That and the fact that conservatives just don't have the backbone they once did. I mean, you teenagers setting fire to cars in violent protest, you give them one warning and the you shoot them. To kill. I am not joking. I don't know how I got to there from Remembrance Day. Something to do with a liberal mindset. It angers me. I'll stop now.

On a lighter note, this really cute red haired girl sat beside me in my film tutorial today. I think I have a crush on her. She asked me if I the prof said anything important before the screening yesterday, I said that I missed the screening and that I often rent the films and watch them at home, so as to avoid having to get up at 7:00 AM every Wednesday. I wanted to say something else, maybe start some sort of conversation, but class was about to start and besides, I had no idea what to say. I never know what to say. Why am I so stupid?

"When this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour... you're gonna see some serious shit"

So I've come to realize that this blog is a touch one-dimensional. All I ever do on it is talk (mostly gripe) about my wretched life. It's starting to bore even me and I like talking about me. So I think from now on, I'll throw in some posts related to useless pop-culture (just like the old Worst Blog in History) and maybe a few of my right-wing nut-job political rants. I'll try to restrain myself on the latter as best I can. We'll start with the former today, though.

On Saturday, I realized that it was the 20th anniversary of young Marty McFly's fateful trip back to 1955 (or the 50th anniversary of that. Whichever). I was going to do a post to mark the occasion, but totally forgot, only to remember now. Better late than never. So I'll just reminisce a bit about one of my favourite movie trilogies, if I may, perhaps in point form.

-BTTF II was on TBS a couple of weeks back and resulted in me not finishing an assignment on time. I planned to pull an all-nighter to finish it, but BTTF II was on and that was that. For some damned reason, it seems like Part II is on TV the most, despite the fact it makes very little sense on its own, unlike the other two. And yes, I think BTTF III is better than Part II. The second film has some fun bits, like the hoverboards (they're real in Japan!) and the whole revisiting of the first movie, but much of it is a convoluted mess. And yet still I watch it at 3:00 in the morning, despite the fact I own the DVDs.



















-Of course the film, along with Family Ties,helped make Michael J. Fox a star but as some people may know, he was not the original Marty. Well, okay, he was and he wasn't. He was the producers' first choice, but passed on the role (he didn't think he could juggle both that and his TV show). So they cast Eric Stoltz (see above) and filmed quite a bit of the movie with Stoltz as Marty. When Fox changed his mind, they fired Stoltz and re-did all his scenes. However, Eric Stoltz can be seen in the film for a split second. It's the scene where Marty first leaps head first into the DeLorean. Freeze frame it on DVD and you can clearly see Eric Stoltz performing the stunt! Fun!

-As you can see, my favourite quote from the movie is up top, but what's the best scene? A few stand out, of course. The DeLorean disappearing in front of Doc and Marty, Marty appearing to George as "Darth Vader", Lorraine and George dancing to "Earth Angel" and of course the race towards the clock tower are all fantastic. But for me, it's the scene where Crispen Glover punches out Thomas F. Wilson. For me, that's the real climax of the film. The music builds, Biff laughing all evil-like and Glover with the determined look on his face are just perfect. Once he lays Biff out, you know that everything is going to be okay. I love it.

-Even I, in my crappy Honda Civic, have managed to hit 88 MPH on many occasions. I am still here. I hate my life.

The Nothing Man

As in, I have nothing worthwhile to post. I changed the blog template. I like it better now. It's nice and blue. I like blue. It's pretty and sad at the same time.

Also, I think I'm in a relationship. I hate it. I am totally not into her, yet I'm too gutless to end it, plus the fact that I don't see any other prospects on the horizon. The sex, I think I could do without for a while. But I want someone to be with....just not her, dammit. Why do the ones I like never like me? And where do I find them? This internet dating is getting awfully taxing...maybe I just need more sleep. Okay, this post is done. I'm lazy today.

I need to be more careful in the future...

My life pretty much consists of school, more school, work on weekends and playing MVP Baseball 2005 (the season is over, it's how I get my fix). Life is DULL. There really must be more than this to it. Yikes. This post is already sucking, I know. Semi-regular sex is nice, but everytime, all I can think of is "How do I end it" (whatever it is)? Whatever it is, she is not it. Things could be worse, however. School is okay and it's only a month until Christmas break. Yippee.

On another front, girl who I stupidly gave blog address to, seems to have deleted me from MSN. I'm pretty sure she has, anyway. The date didn't go too well, yes, but I still think she's a nice person. I certainly would've liked to have continued to talk to her. Her reading this is probably to blame. I can't say I wouldn't have done the same, but still makes me a bit sad. I do also feel like a bit of a jerk. Still, I have learned my lesson here and now know to be more selective with whom I share the address. That actually reminds me of a question I wanted to ask the lovely Daphne, that being whether or not her dude knows of her personal blog. I mean, they have a great relationship, so it's not like there's much that she should be wary of sharing with him, but all relationships have at least a spot of trouble, here and there and I know I'd want to blog all my relationship stuff, the good and the bad. Again, just need to never give this out to any ladies ever again. Just a musing there.

That's enough of this shit, time to get back to my dull existence. Someone save me from this. Please.