Thursday, November 24, 2005

My Day

This is somewhat of a continuation of my last comment on the previous post, but it also involves some new thoughts, so I thought I'd put it here. My thinking is a bit disjointed right now, but I'll try and keep this post as coherent as possible. There are four major events and thoughts which have consumed my day thus far. Let's go over them.

Failed a film exam today. Though I was woefully ill-prepared for it, I might have emerged relatively unscathed, had a major question been on the one week of screenings that I missed. I had no idea what I was watching. Damn you 1920's French Avant-Garde cinema. On the upside, the really cute red haired girl (it's actually more of a deep orange and I'm quite sure it's not her natural colour seeing as it doesn't match her complexion, but I digress) sat next to me for the test. She's pretty. Of course we're writing an exam, I can't really talk to her during it. Not like I'd have the guts anyways. But after it was over, I let out sort of an audible sigh, to which she said something like "Oh, don't worry, it's over now". I tried to awkwardly chat with her briefly about the test or something (I have no idea, I'm such a blathering, inarticulate idiot). While I think that I now have enough for future interaction to be based upon, I'm really not sure. Where do I go from here? If I see her sitting at a table in the cafeteria, is it too much to sit beside her? What if I ask to sit there? Which is less creepy? How do I go about trying to be friends with her? When do I approach her and where and how? What do I say? And why is this so hard?

Also got my hair cut. It was really getting out of control at the back. Another few weeks and would have been sporting a 1980's style semi-mullet like the lead singer of a-ha. Disturbing. I'm even beginning to burden Tanya (my stylist) with my girl problems. I never used to. I know people keep telling me the reason I'm not able to get any is because I'm so depressing, but I never used to be nearly as bad. It must be something else. I must just not be attractive. The cute receptionist was working today. Unlike my job, she's almost always busy, so I'm not really able to talk with her for more than a minute or two. I keep trying to gradually steer the conversation to a casual "So what are you up to tonight", always with the hopes she has no plans. She usually does, which is fine. I could always reply with something like "You're always too busy to do something with me" or something slightly jokey along those lines. But it never gets that far.

Daphne's post from yesterday (I'd link to it, but I know she'd rather me not) sort of got me down. Really thought about it a lot, how EVERYONE has had more sex than me. I mean, part of being young is having fun. I wish I could forget people that I've had sex with. I wish I couldn't count them all on my hands (one hand, actually). And it's not like I've ever been in a long term relationship. I mean, that would be cool, a legitimate reason for not having many partners. Or if it doesn't really mean much to you. But in my case, all it means is that no one wants to be with me. I hate not being fuckable. The only reason I've ever had sex lately is as a direct result of lowering my standards, as terrible as that sounds. She's not that bad I suppose, but in truth no great beauty by a long shot. Sorry if I care about physical attraction. Everyone does. Those that say they don't are liars. I'm not expecting to be having sex every night with Playboy models or whatever, I just want a normal healthy sex life. Is that so wrong?

Finally as a bit of a continuation from my last post, it really does suck having no friends. Beer said that I have plenty of friends, but I know this sadly isn't the case. If I did, I'd be able to find at least someone to go with me to this thing tomorrow. I wouldn't be sitting at home like a loser every Saturday night. This really isn't so much of a new thing either. That is to say, I'm not sure how much of it has to do with my lousy attitude. I never had many friends. The friends I did have, have either moved away, lost touch with me (or me with them) or have real lives. Man, I really need friends. And it seems impossible to make new friends without having any old ones. If I had old friends, they might introduce me to people they know and I might become friends with them. But that can't happen to me now. And let's say I go to this karaoke thing tomorrow. I sing well. I have a drink or two, loosen up. Some people are friendly and talk to me. Despite the fact that I'm probably the least 'in' person there, people are friendly, say "Hey, we're going to so and so next weekend. You should come. Bring some friends". How am I supposed to respond? "Gee thanks, I'd love to, but I don't have any friends, so I can't bring any". If I were to say this to you, you'd very quickly reconsider your opinion of me as a cool guy, wouldn't you?


Blogger LU said...

i live in the asshole of alberta, i have lived here for 6 months. i live with my parents, i work for my parents, i watch tb at night with my parents, and go golfing with my parents in the summer. i can honestly tell you that i have no friends here. i have two people from work that i go for lunch with occasionally, but not anything overly exciting. no one thinks of me as being a shy person, in fact most people would say that i am the exact opposite of shy (just ask daphne she'll vouch for this), in truth, i am quite shy and awkward around new people. so i know where you are coming from when you say you have no friends, no life, no hot girls to hang out with (guys in my case) yada yada yada. i see where squirrely is coming from. because truth be told, that might very well be how the night would go. but here is my philiosophy: "you never ever know, if you never ever go". how do you you (or i) ever expect to have friends/girls/guys yada yada yada if we don't put ourselves in the odd akward situation. you don't make friends sitting on your couch or at your computer whining about how you have no friends. so i think you should just go balls to the wall and jump head first into an akward sistuation.

hopefully one of these days i will take my own advice and make some god damn friends of my own. arrgghhh stupid fort mcmurray how i despise you.

November 24, 2005 11:20 PM  
Blogger the Colonel said...

dammit dude, I would have totally gone to that with you... I too love Karaoke and I have no problem walking into a situation where I know no one. If only I'd read this thing a couple of days ago... of course Friday was also my Mom's birthday, but the family dinner we had definitely did not take up the whole night. Next time you need a party tag-along, I'm your man.

November 26, 2005 4:27 PM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

A belated thanks, Colonel. I also got an offer from a co-worker, though I don't really know her all that well either. But, I did end up going, all by myself. I'll post on it tomorrow, perhaps.

Oh and you do know the person who invited me. Maybe others, seeing as you went to school with them.

November 26, 2005 9:42 PM  

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