Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Thanks for reading

This blog is going on hiatus, for how long I'm not sure. I need to work a lot of things out and right now, blogging isn't as helpful an outlet for me as it once was. Perhaps that will change, I don't know. I'll still keep it up in the hopes that one day I decide to return, but as for now I haven't any plans to write anything for the time being. Hopefully if I do choose to return, you'll all still continue in your very kind support. Anyhow, take care and all the best for now.


Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Pats better win tomorrow or else that might be the final nail in my coffin

Dear Lord, why do I go out? It really only leads to more misery on my part.

Worked all day today and was hoping to get some reading done for an assignment that I have due on Monday. I've had the thing for like four weeks and of course I only start looking at it now. But of course I'm saddled with yet another trainee (someone got let go), so I couldn't really do anything. Would I have anyway? Probably not. But I digress.

I got an invite from a friend I haven't seen since high school (off of that stupid facebook website) to go and meet up with some folks at The Madison, which is a very popular (and very large) pub, right near U of T. It's one of the university hot spots for sure, yet I haven't been there in ages, which is not so surprising seeing as I don't have any 'real' friends at school. I was debating whether or not to go, seeing as I still have lots of work to do. But finally I decide that it might be fun, see some people I haven't seen in a long time and just get out in general. And of course, I made the wrong decision. But would staying home have made me any happier? No, of course not. You see, I've come to the conclusion that every option available to me is wrong and will only lead to unhappiness. I am doomed.

I get there and find out that other than the fellow who invited me (who's certainly a very decent fellow) there were a bunch of people I half-knew and such. Some other people I thought were going to be there never showed up and after spending about an hour and a half there, I left. I also remembered that every other time I've ever been there, I've left equally unhappy. See, it's one of those places where there are always a lot of people on a Saturday night, attractive young people, all with lots of friends, all having lots of fun. Lotsa good looking ladies, but what does that do for me? It only makes me more miserable. What good does seeing them do. None of them want to talk to me.

A wise friend of mine took a look at my facebook list and questioned why I'm so unhappy as to not being able to find a girl, despite the fact that there are many attractive ones on my 'friend list'. The problem with that of course, is that just because they're aware that I'm alive, doesn't mean that they want to go out with me. In fact, I can probably go over each and every one of them and give a very valid reason as to why they don't.

So here I stand. I stay home, I'm unhappy. I go out, I'm probably even more unhappy, if that's possible. Driving home, I just wanted to crack open a bottle of wine and find solace in that. But now I don't even want to. I don't think even that would make me happy.

All this and I have an essay to research and write tomorrow. I wish I was dead.

Friday, January 12, 2007

I believe I only post when drunk now

How sad, isn't it? I mean, I have a lot of stuff that I want to talk about, I really do. But when I'm sober, that usually means I'm at school or at work (not as often these days, thank God) or out or playing the new Zelda (kicks ass!) or something other than blogging. But today is sort of a rest day (after all my classes) so why not wind down, hammer back a few and post a lengthy blog entry? YEAH!

Where to FUCKING begin? Yes, I curse a lot when I've had a few drinks. Forgive me. Since my last post, I did have a lull of action for a couple of days. D Rock went back to Japan (sad), the Pats won (happy), the Giants lost (sad, though they deserved to) and had Ukrainian Christmas dinner with the family (mixed emotions). Sadly, my aunt's hot sister (age 47) didn't attend the latter. C'est la vie. That was the weekend, let's move on to my week.

Monday meant back to school. I know have 11 credits out of the 20 necessary to graduate, meaning I'm now more than half-way done. A nice feeling. Yes, I did pass that awful astronomy course, albeit barely, with a 52%!!! Whatever, I passed. I don't care. Otherwise, my marks seems to be okay, all at least in the 70 plus range. Can't complain about that. In fact, everything seems fairly decent at the moment and yet I'm still not feeling so great. Where does it come from? Ah yes, women. Like a drug that I'm addicted to, yet am unable to get a supply of, despite my best efforts. Sounds like my ongoing struggle to score Oxycontin and always failing miserably.

We'll start at school. Film class is a bust, there are no lookers there save one and my attempts have failed. We move on. In my new history class this semester I've already made a friend sort of. Wow! I sat next to her, chatted and she asked me if I was on the facebook website. I am and she ever added me. Nice! Of course, it's through there that I discover this cute girl has a dude. But still, she seems nice and at least it's a friend in class. English class number one is next. There was a lady I was talking about a while ago. Things ain't going anywhere. I try asking her if she wants to grab lunch (I said I was in the mood to hit up this great burrito place). But she ALWAYS has plans with this friend of hers, it never fucking fails. I think they have a regular lunch date that day. If she was mildly interested she would break it, but it just doesn't seem so. As for my other English class, there is this cute British exchange student I've been trying to be friendly with for a while. She actually asks me for notes and such, which I guess can't be all bad. I brought up the burrito thing with her and got somewhat of a more receptive response, so maybe, just maybe I can work something there. But I really don't know.

Now, there is one other class, another new, half-semester class I just started. It's a contemporary drama class and a big part of it is signing up for one of the plays, either as a director, dramturge, designer or actor and performing a scene. The interesting thing, is that one of the plays on the syllabus (Glengarry Glen Ross) I actually had a dream about only a few night prior. Freaky. Yet I saw the role of 'Stanley' in A Streetcar Named Desire was still open, so I grabbed that, despite my dream and the fact I really like the Mamet play. The next class, I see this girl is in my class and guess what? She's signed up as the director for Glengarry Glen Ross. FUCK. Why, WHY didn't I take that, just like my dream said, just like I wanted to, just like my instincts told me to. Am I like George Costanza, where every instinct I have is wrong and should do the opposite every time? Maybe I should just snap, like dude in Office Space and not give a good goddamn anymore. Shoot, I know I over analyze things, but fuck. I hate my life sometimes.

Lastly, went out with Girly on Tuesday night. She's been having a few issues lately, so I haven't seen her in quite a while. I like her, I think I really do. Or at least I should. I mean, she's a pretty girl, sweet, fairly intelligent, fun-loving. All together nice person. And she seems to be totally into me. She called me somewhat out of the blue (well, we had been MSNing for a while before). Made plans, went to some asinine place called 'Dave and Busters' at her behest. All the good physical contact was there, she kept complimenting me, nothing but good signs. If I were to just all out go for it, I could have her. And yet, something is holding me back. Something I think she actually suspects, something she pretty much called me on. She said something to the effect of "You don't really want me, you don't say I'm sexy and hot, like I do with you". Stuff like that. There have been a few girls that I haven't really been into and yet done 'things' with and none of them have ever questioned or called me on the fact that I really wasn't into them. In fact, out of all those, Girly is easily the best. I like her, I really do. But still...there is something there. I still sneak a peak at other girls while I'm with her. I'm still not 100% into her. What is it? Is it a problem with me? I just don't know and it really bugs me. I hate this. I hate that the one time that I was 100% into someone and not looking at anyone else...well, you all know what happened. And what's still happening.

Fuck. This post is all over the map and I apologize. It's a disorganized mess and I really do need to work on these things better. This blog and you, my faithful readers, deserve better.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

My drunken year in review!

So last year I did this elaborate, well thought out year in review post, that I probably put a lot of effort into. I'm sure edited and spell checked and revised it a million times and all that. This year is going to be a bit different! This is going to be totally off the cuff, just whatever I feel right now about 2006. I will still spell check, but it's going to be (for the most part) just a visceral look back at how this past year went. Also please note, I am rather inebriated, so do bear with me if I ramble somewhat. Hopefully this is still an enjoyable post!

Friends: Very sadly, I spent almost the entire year without the company of me best mate, D Rock. He's off teaching in Japan and it's pretty much his home now. He has been back for the past two weeks, but unfortunately, he's leaving again tomorrow and I don't know when I'll see him again. In the past two weeks I've probably been up to more than I have in the past two months. Yeah, I guess I do have other folks that I hang out with here and there, such as Marty Boy, Beer, Selena, etc. but it's a whole other ballgame when D Rock is around. I actually seem to go out and do shit. Otherwise, my life is pretty empty for the most part. There are a lot of decent folk I know, some of whom read this, who I'd love to hang out with more, but sadly I don't get the chance. So overall, 2006 was pretty lonely on the friend front. Will '07 be the same? We shall have to wait and see.

Still 'learning': The school. Still with the fucking school. I'm 25 FUCKING years old and STILL working on an undergrad. Sad. That being said, I am half-way through. This is actually one of the facets of my life in which I don't feel so bad. Yes, I'm now more than half done with it and I haven't failed anything yet, though I still am checking my astronomy mark every day, to see if I passed. I still haven't made any real friends, but I do thing I'm doing better in that respect at the moment than I have so far. And other than that one course, I feel at least OKAY about all my other courses right now. So, fingers crossed, this might be working out right now.

Swedish Luxury Vehicles: Y'know, my dad actually wanted to name me 'Volvo' as a joke? I'm not kidding. If you want the full story, ask my mum about it. It's pretty funny. But this is another good thing about 2006. I bought my first car, in my own name. Yes, it is a 1989 Volvo 740, but I love it and it runs just fine. There really is nothing quite like the freedom of owning your own vehicle and despite the absurd amount I pay for insurance every month, I still think it's worth it.

Mothers, fathers, sisters: My family life on the other hand, is so badly fucked up, that I don't even wish to go into it here. It just got worse over the course of the year, though I guess I have become somewhat numb towards the whole thing. It's something I pretend no longer affects me, but I'm not so sure I've successfully made it so.

MUSIC....Makes the people...come together: Oh the band. Our beloved unnamed band. Man, the one thing I've always wanted, is to be in a band. It started out a couple of years back and was a dream come true for me. Has the dream been shattered? Man, I wish the band would come back together. I've been writing a few songs, some which are actually half-decent. Then again, after my dreadful performance at the Tweed Blazer thing, am I even fit to be a lead singer? Can I go on with the whole thing, with the memory of her hanging over the whole thing? Do any of these questions matter? Perhaps 2007 will tell.

Give me love: Well, still haven't found it or even come close. In this respect, I may have had a worse year than 2005. In '05, at least I went on quite a few dates, even if I didn't get laid until late in the year (after a long downtime). For the most of this year, I had NOTHING. Yes, I did get some towards the end, but overall, it's been a very shitty year. And what in the hell am I going to do in 2007 to meet women? Shoot, I was lost for almost all of this year. Am I just going to be waiting one year between partners? Wow, that would suck.

Still blogging: There are many days where I want to just call it quits, but often the blogging can be rewarding. I keep folks who are far away up to date and I meet nice people, either in person (like Sam, sad I haven't seen you since H2O) or in cyberspace (like Katie G). And though I do get lazy and neglect doing so, I do like writing. This year I have no trouble picking my favourite post, for instance. Though others may have drawn more comments, this one is, in my opinion, the most interesting blog post of the year. Perhaps you may disagree, if so, please let me know.

Overall however: I just don't know. Was this a better year than 2005? I'm going to venture and say no. Though not by much. However, do I have some hope for 2007? Yeah, a little more than I did for '06. The last New Year's, I was ready to throw myself over Niagara Falls and end it all. I may not exactly be brimming with optimism here, but I suppose anything is better than that. Yes, I still am hung up over some girl I just saw for the first time in almost two years. That is pretty pitiful. Am I over her? No, I'll admit that. It's hard when you don't know if you'll ever meet anyone you really like again. That's how I feel. If there is one thing I could wish for this year, I think you all know what it is. Just somebody to love. That's it. It still seems like it'll never happen.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

"Everytime I see your face, it reminds me of the places we used to go..."

2006 is gone, done, finally. I say good riddance. I guess it wasn't that bad, actually now that I think of it. I should do a year-end retrospective like I did last year (albeit a little late this time), but that will have to wait until tomorrow I think. I have other things I think I want to go on about.

I actually have been pretty busy over the last few weeks, despite the lack of classes. Pretty much every night / day I've been up to something, but that's very soon going to change. D Rock goes back to Japan, for an indeterminate period of time and Bertmos has already departed for Ottawa, so there go the two folks I've been spending most of my time with. Spent some time with this young lady I was fooling around with, but (thankfully) that's done with. Had drinks with an old friend from back in high school whom I've only seen in passing a few times since. She had quite a sad ending to a relationship that actually tops anything I could think of, so in a perverse way, it almost made me feel a little better. But I don't know how often I'll exactly be seeing her. Of course did the Tweed Blazer thing, but when's the next time I'm going to see those folks? Not any time soon, perhaps in part due to the fact that she might be there.

So on Monday, I go from being popular and booked solid, to having nothing but free time on my hands, outside of school and such. Life will stink, I'll sit at home every Friday night with nothing to do (well, I did just get a nice LCD TV for myself, so at least I'll have something nice upon which to watch porn). Don't see any chances of meeting women either. I never did do the speed-dating thing, but I don't even know when or if they're having another event. The Tweed Blazer after party was garbage and thus yielded nothing. I've been trying at school and so far, nada. And New Year's was four dudes watching the tele, getting drunk and having a gay olde time. To be fair though, it was heads and tails over last year. But both really highlight just so lonely and pathetic things really are. Finding someone to love is something I'd trade my new TV for in a second.
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