First post of the crummy New Year

Above is a picture of the doormat that was on the porch of the rented house that I spent New Year's in. It was the highlight of my trip and also the only picture that I bothered to take. Holy shit, New Year's was depressing. I'd get into it, but it was so awful, I'll likely just start drinking heavily if I start thinking about it again. It was me, Marty Boy and his girl, Marcin's girl's sister and her dude. That's it. Me and two other couples. I was lead to believe there would be a few more people there. This really sucked hardcore. It was in Niagara. During the walk that we took around midnight on the 31st, I had to be restrained several times from hurling myself into the Niagara River. Seriously.

The house had a hot tub. I smoked a nice cigar. I beat both of the couples at Trivial Pursuit (still undefeated). But make no mistake...my New Year's was downright miserable. TWO COUPLES AND ME. If anyone had a worse New Year's, please let me know. I'll be shocked.

Back to lousy, lousy work today. At least it's nice and slow, just like it was before all this Christmas jazz. Hot Russian Girl came in just now. She always looks great. Talked about New Year's a little. She's hoping to go back to school herself (though she did attend college already). We always have nice conversations. She asked when I'm working next. I told her. She said she’d stop by. I said something to the effect of "You'd better or I'll cry" (in a joking way, though it's probably true). How on earth do I steer the conversation to "Hey, would you like to grab a coffee sometime"? Do I just blurt it out? I mean, I really, really have no clue. This kind of stuff, I need to be taken through step by step. Of course, not like I'll ever actually have the courage to do it. Besides, even if I did, she'll politely say 'no thanks'. I think I also saw the cute girl at the hair salon next door. She's been off sick for a while. Maybe I'll go talk to her in a bit. Really, what's the point though? I'm just torturing myself here. This is such a losing cause. I also left a message with a friend to call me back. She's only in town for the next few days I believe. I said we should go have lunch or something. She won't call me back. Or if she does, she'll be too busy to do anything. Even people who I thought were my friends are rejecting me. I am so very lonely.

Well, only five days left until I go back to school. Back to the reality that I'm going to flunk out of school at age 24. I was hoping that this holiday would have refreshed me, but I'm not really feeling any better than when I left. I'm worrying just as much, if not more than before. And I just cannot stop worrying. Everyday, I worry more and more and more. And I'm on medication. I guess nothing's going to help. I think I need to start doing drugs. It's all I haven't tried. Maybe it'll work. I need something to.