Friday, December 30, 2005

My year

Man, I did a lot of complaining in 2005. Perhaps more than in any other year. But if I step back and look back at it objectively, was this really a bad year? Honestly, if I'd asked myself this question two months ago, I'd likely have said "no". But here we are with only a few hours left in '05 and I'm not looking to 2006 with a lot of optimism. Why is that? Well, you'll have to read on. This is going to be a pretty complicated entry to write; I'm not really sure how to format it. Hopefully as I'm writing something will have fallen into place.

1. Higher Learning: Though I went back first part-time and then full-time in 2004, I finished my first full year of university in 2005. Despite my total lack of focus and frequent late night freak-outs, I finished the year with a very respectable 3.1 or B average. Much better than I would have ever thought. The only downside was the fact that I really hadn't made any friends at school. That was May. Flash forward to now. My marks are down considerably. I don't know what all of them are, but we're looking at a C- average right now at best. Maybe worse. If the Christmas break didn't come when it did, I think I'd have had a complete breakdown. I am NOT looking forward to returning in January. This plus the fact I still have no friends there.

2. Girls, Girls, Girls: In late 2004, I think I went on my first date in like a year and a half. It didn't go well, but 2005 went much better on that front. True, most of them didn't get beyond a first date either, but at least I had quite a few kicks at the can. With one exception, they were all people I'd met over the internet (I'll talk about that exception later). I'm still not able to talk to girls in 'real life' sadly. Still, internet girls are better than no girls and not all dates are going to work out well. At least I got out there and was active on the dating front. I even ended my rather lengthy no-sex streak. And yet I'm still not to optimistic about my prospects for 2006. Out of all the girls I went out with this year, I only slept with one of them. And if I'm to be completely and brutally honest, she was easily one of the least impressive, both physically and personality wise. There were many others that I had a lot more interest in, just they didn't have any in me. So I had to settle. Right now, I don't really have any prospects. Things have really cooled on the internet dating front. I guess I'm just losing interest and patience with the whole thing. Plus the whole lack of a car thing doesn't make that as easy as it once was. I don't know where or how else to meet women. So for now...I got nothing going on.

3. Driving me crazy: Now, I know plenty of people who don't have a car or don't drive at all. They all survive. I don't know if I'll be able to. You see, I went from the high of finally getting my full G licence in August to the low of being declared uninsurable in November. For me, November 26 may be the worst day of the year for me. Things weren't exactly going great for me on a number of fronts (school, girls, friends) and this just seemed like literally nothing was going my way. I actually spent the whole next day in bed I was so depressed. Contrast this with August 10. I felt really great upon passing that bloody test, like I did something right. Not only did I feel good about that accomplishment, but also it sort of cemented my freedom to go pretty much anywhere, whenever I wanted. No more road tests to worry about. A car that's mine to drive. Having that taken away really stings. It probably wouldn't be so bad, if I were cooler, but I'm not. Maybe if I were better looking and didn't live at home, I might have a chance. But as is, do you think anyone would want to go out with me? I'll be honest, I don't think I would go out with a guy without a car.

4. In need of a life: I've never had a lot of friends. There was a period towards the end of high school where I was pretty popular, but other than that, it hasn't been easy trying to find things to do. It's a broken record, but for the first part of the year, things were okay on that front. D-Roc was always there to hang out with. Bertmos was around for the first part of the year. Marty Boy was often good for a few drinks at Canyon Creek on Thursday nights. Other folks were around at various points or throughout the summer. I even made a couple of new friends, Starbucks Girl and Blondie. Not like I was really going out and having a crazy good time, but at least I could find things to do, once in a while. But now, things aren't so hot on this front. There was a good stretch there for a long time that I would go out at least one of Friday or Saturday every week, often more. Lately, I am not doing anything. I went out for lunch with Beer about a week ago. He goes back to Montreal today. Played pool with Blondie the other night. She works every day, so I don't hang out with her much either. And I rather dislike all of her friends. Starbucks Girl works every night until very late. D-Roc, my most reliable partner in crime, is gone to Japan. Marty Boy has a real job and a girl. Besides, he's not much of a party animal, truth be told. I pretty much spend every night in. This wasn't the case last Christmas break. I had things to do. But I really have no options these days. There's no one around who calls me and I'm usually too scared to call (even if I had someone to call). But I'm pretty much out of options. Where do I make friends? Through other friends, usually. But if I have no friends...what am I to do? "Picking up" a friend is probably a lot harder than picking up a date. There's always Lavalife for a date, but how am I to 'pick up' a guy as a friend? Going up to a girl sitting somewhere at school is acceptable (though terrifying), but to do so to another dude, let's say? That's a bit weird. I need friends. I always say I have no friends, which is only partly true. Sure, I do have friends. But they're not around. I need people to hang out with, on a consistent basis. I need something to do. Or I'm going to go insane from loneliness. This is much worse than not having a girl.

5. A look at the blog: I think I'm glad I started the blog. I think I have Daphne and TMWNN to thank for my entry into the world of blogging. Two good folks. I don't really talk to TMWNN anymore, sadly. I've known the guy since high school, but I don't think we're friends anymore. I'm still not really sure as to why he doesn't talk to me anymore, but it does make me a bit sad. I'd be hard pressed to find something bad to say about him. Daphne and I actually met only once (yes, it was a date). The date actually went pretty well, I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Again, nothing bad to be said about her at all. Not only is she a total sweetheart, she's also uber-foxy. My only complaint is that she never blogs anymore. A shame. As for my own depressing blog, it was interesting to go back through all the entries this year. It's really been a great emotional outlet for me, though I hate re-reading some of the more depressing entries. Half of them, I don't even remember why I was so down at the time. There have been a lot of entries I really like. Out of all of them, this one is my favourite. I think it's me at my storytelling best. Others stirred up more debate, but I don't think any others were as well written.

6. Person of the Year: I never really blogged about her that much. By the time I started this blog, whatever relationship we had was already pretty much over. But for better or worse she has easily had the greatest impact on my life this year. The only girl that I met outside of internet dating this year, I met her through a band that was in. We first 'hung out' sometime in early February. No sex was had, though we did fool around a little. I saw her 3 times after that, the last time in mid-March. I actually sent her flowers for her birthday not long after that. Maybe a mistake. The emails stopped shortly thereafter. I was told not to worry about her, she wasn't worth it, she had issues, etc. Yet I have never spent so much time thinking about someone. I really don't know why. Though we were certainly never in any sort of relationship, this was my first anything in a long time. That might be part of it, I don't know. But I felt special, I really did. She would send me random emails, usually very lengthy, just about her day, what she was up to, etc. For no reason other that to say 'hi'. That made me feel nice. Like someone was thinking about me. No one had ever done that before. But like I said, it was all over and done with pretty quickly. I was probably too aggressive. I should have just tried to be her friend, step back from other feelings. Maybe that scared her off. I tried to apologize for all that stuff and play up the friend angle, but it was probably too late. She didn't seem to want to have anything to do with me. I hadn't heard from her in months up until Christmas Day. She sent me an email (see last entry). It made me miserable about her all over again. I thought I was over it. I was wrong. I have no one else in my life, so I think about her. And mostly I fill my head with thoughts that I just wasn't good enough for her.

7. A look forward: And now for 2006. I really don't know what to think. For whatever reason, on New Year's Eve last year, I felt good about 2005. I actually said this to my pal Marty Boy. Maybe it was the booze talking, but I was actually optimistic. I accomplished some things. I survived year one of university. I got the stupid licence. Went out on a few dates, had sex for the first time in two years. But I don't know how to feel about this upcoming year. School ain't going great and the realization that I still have two and a half years of it to go is sinking in. That's two and a half years before I'm going to have a real life (at least). I got no car, got no girl, got no friends. What am I supposed to do? I mean, I can work hard and turn my marks around. Fine, one good thing can happen. Buying a car will be expensive. I'm going to start actually feeling a money crunch for the first time in a long time. I'm going to have to find a way to make more money somehow. The cigar store won't cut it. Between school and car, I don't think moving out is a realistic option. Internet dating is pretty much dead, at least until I have a car. What other dating options are there? They probably all involve going out with friends and meeting people. I don't have friends to begin with, so how am I going to go out? Make friends you say? How do I make new friends without old friends though? I really don't know. It scares me. What if I do go and talk to someone randomly at school, we hit it off and they invite me out for drinks. "Bring some friends,” they say. Whoops, I don't have anyone to bring. This happened before with the karaoke party. It didn't go well. This one person I don't really know can't be expected to devote all their attention to just me. With no car, no friends, no girl, I have this sneaky feeling I'm going to be spending a lot time sitting at home at night, just me and Bobo.

So that's it. I really don't know what else to say. Thanks to every one who reads this and has read it over the past year. Hope you all have a great New Year. I'm off to have a shit load of fun (ha!) at some cottage with a bunch of happy couples. So that's it. Take care.


Blogger Punk Angel said...

I admit that during my second period class (computers) I spend the majority of the time browsing random sites and random blogs. There's a couple that I make a point in visiting at least once a day, and yours is one of them. I believe I went through and read all of them, beginning with the very first blog. This year for you sure has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. With any luck, maybe 2006 will be everything you want it to be and maybe karma will play nice and swing more money and better grades and a girl your way. Good luck with school and everything else :)

December 30, 2005 11:13 PM  
Blogger d rock said...

as you oldest friend i feel i have this to say.
1. quit the cigar store, its a waste of time, free tobacco is not what it once was. find a decent regular job, it dosent have to be something you love, but just someting that pays better, until you find something you love, seriously condsider this, espically when the summer comes.
2. dont worry abotu a liscence. it diddnt bother you before and it really shouldnt now, the only problem is you have to leave eariler to get downtown. life was easier, you just gotta hustle more.
3.this is the last one, but stop worrying about the woman thing. dude you got laid. the drought is over, i know that this girl is not the best girl you have ever met, but its a start and it shows that you can "meet women" plus i knew you 2 years ago. you were worse off, you're better now, alot better now
4. move out. i know you feel that you should be home but its suffocating you the more that you are in that environment the worse off you are gonna be. it may not be in the books right now due to the cash sututation but that only helps you get a better job.

thats it, i havent given any constructive imput in a while, but as your oldest friend(screw marty boy i know you better), i'll just say that you'll be fine, but stay positive. and come visit me in japan i am bored.

January 01, 2006 1:27 AM  
Blogger d rock said...

also i realize that there many gramatical mistakes in that last message and probally the last one. so sorry.

January 01, 2006 1:33 AM  
Blogger Del Fuego said...

You crack me up some days, dude. You worry like an old lady. Alas, I gave up giving advice to 90% of people in 90% of situations on account of me and 90% of people just don't think alike. If I could teach classes in apathy, laziness and stress-free living I totally would. I have $20 to my name until the end of January but I don't much care. It's Jan. 2 right now. I'll just be frugal for a spell. Just let life happen around you, makes it really easy and relaxed.

I've trashed you more than once for your relentless pursuit of sex but hey, I'm a dude, I get it. Sex is good times. But in a pinch ya can live without it. Consider the lack thereof a motivator to refine yourself towards being better at getting it. Wrost case scenario, you become some sort of world record breaking masturbator for a spell. Or...well, if you broke your hands, I guess that'd be worse. You know what I mean though.

As for the girl that got away, every guy has that. Shit, I have 4 and I think one of them has some serious distaste for me, they hound my thoughts on days when I can't keep myself occupied with other things. But meh, good fodder for stories later in life. People enjoy hearing things like that.

But hey, you're right about Daphne. She rocks out and all. If she gives you advice, I'd take it. Unless she tells you to burn the sin out of yourself, she did that to me once...

Anyways, point is, there's always somethin' to get you down out there. Big scale, small scale, whatever. If I were still into giving advice and if I were to ponder exactly how to get people into my headspace I'd recommend serious thought. Like deep, serious, long, hard thought about just how pointless everything is. Seems cynical at first, but it's quite good at leading to carefree fun. Look at life. Yours, then life in general. The past and the future for millions of years in each direction. The vastness of the universe. Where do you fit into that? Where does anyone?

Call me nutty, but realizing my own relative insignificance in the grand scheme of being, and the relative insignifcance of every decision I make, every event in my life and the lives of everyone, past, present and future, is oddly comforting to me. Why worry when the entirety of being has existed and will continue to exist regardless of me and my life?

January 02, 2006 12:36 PM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

Punk Angel- Thanks for your continued support and interest in the blog. I hope you have a great year, too.

D Rock- Yeah, I sure do need a better job. I'm going to very seriously consider something new starting in the summer. I've been too long at the same place, you are quite right. Hopefully this will also make the car and moving out closer to reality. As for the women thing...well, I just don't have anything on the horizon right now. We'll see. Also, your spelling and grammar are atrocious. You're an English teacher, how? Oh well, we still love you.

Del Fuego- I do worry like an old lady, I'll be the first to admit that. Really, I wish I could think more like you do. I'm sure I'd be having a lot more sex if I didn't worry like I do. But I just can't seem to help it. Maybe it'll be like that movie "Office Space" where something just snaps inside me and I just stop caring. Man, that would be great. Until then...I don't know.

I know I'm insignificant, but I'd still like to have some friends and maybe some fun. Aren't I entitled to that at least? Yes?

January 02, 2006 9:21 PM  
Blogger Punk Angel said...

King Hippo, that'd be awesome if we walked right by eachother in Niagara Falls! I did a lot of walking around so maybe I did pass by you! Did you see Great Big Sea live?

January 02, 2006 11:10 PM  

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