Thursday, December 01, 2005

Alive, but barely

I had this entire post 95% done at the computer at work and then I accidentally hit this stupid button they have on the keyboard that just shuts the computer done. The whole thing was lost. I've never seen anything as stupid on any other keyboard. This really got me down. Everything does. I break a glass and it ruins my day. I wish I could change. I just don't have the strength. I guess I'll try and re-do the post. Now it feels all artificial. I guess I'll pretend this is all fresh.

Well, I suppose I feel a little better than I did over the weekend. I was really not well. I'm still not, but at least I'm able to post. This intro was longer, but forget it. Onto a numbered post.

1. Karaoke on Friday night went pretty much exactly as I (and Squirrely) thought it would. I showed up, wished her a happy birthday, sang a couple of songs, had a few drinks, pretty much sat by myself all night and then left. That was it. To her credit, the birthday girl was more than good about making sure I felt welcome, but she can only spend so much time with the loser who came by himself. Still, she was very sweet in not only inviting me, but also trying to make me feel like I was included. She introduced me to a few of her friends, several of which were rather hot. This is not to take anything away from birthday girl herself, she's rather fetching, though an ex of a close friend and attached. She requested something by Frank Sinatra and I obliged with “Strangers In The Night”. I did well enough, she seemed to like it at any rate. But giving a decent karaoke performance isn’t nearly enough to get anyone to want to talk to you, that’s for sure. Everyone else there knew someone else, so they really didn't have any need or desire to talk to me. If I were interesting or confident, maybe, but I’m neither. If someone really, truly wanted to talk to me, maybe once in a while, they’d come up to me. It happens to other shy people. But I guess I just don’t have anything to offer. So why would I go up to other people if they have no desire to come up to me? I just don’t know. On the upside, the Gladstone is a lovely establishment and I recommend it wholeheartedly to anyone with actual friends.

2. Saturday was not a good day. So much so that I spent pretty much the whole of Sunday in bed. I didn’t get up at all until 5:00 PM. Basically, without going into to agonizing detail, I can no longer drive. As the result of two speeding tickets, one legitimate, the other a horseshit cash grab, I am now uninsurable. I know this sounds so petty, but it really, really got me down. No one is going to want to be friends with someone who can’t get anywhere, that’s for damned sure. Maybe if I were more fun or interesting perhaps, but that’s just not the case. I won’t even get into the fact that NO one will want to go out with some loser who has to take the bus. Again, if I had anything of substance to offer, fine. But I just don’t. I can drive of course, it’s not like I don’t have a license, but again without going into major detail, it will be very expensive, more than I can realistically afford. This really makes me down, especially considering I just finally got my G license in August and felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders at that time. I though, okay at least this is one thing I’ll never have to worry about anymore. Something actually went well for me. Well, that something, like all other things lasted a very short while.

3. Cute red headed girl in my film classes talked to me on Monday. She tapped me on the shoulder as I was leaving class to ask me if I had notes from a tutorial she had missed. This made me feel good for about a millisecond. Then I snapped out of my delusion that she might want to be my friend and just wanted notes and I happened to be there and she recognized me as being in the same tutorial. I gave her my notes, she gave them back the next day. No, she didn’t write her number in them anywhere. I was stupid to have even checked for that. You’d think that I’d have an ‘in’ now, a reason to talk to her, be friendly and such. But I really don’t. Anything I say will likely come across as being wholly desperate and pathetic. What am I going to say beyond “Hey, so how do you think you did on that test”? I really have no clue. Even if I did have something clever to say, I just couldn’t do it. I have no self-confidence. I know this is all my fault. I wish I could change. But I just can’t do it. Every time there’s a situation like this, I think about it in my head and only negative thoughts come through. I am a loser, she won’t like me, no one likes me, etc. I want to stop these thoughts. But they’re there. I can’t make them go away.

4. School isn’t going well. I can’t focus at all. Instead of studying for a test, I play MVP Baseball 2005. If I lose a game, I get really down on my self, I question my self-worth. All this over stupid video baseball. My marks are starting to suffer. Man, I’m too old to be an undergraduate student. I should be beginning to have a real life, a real job at my age. I’m not saying making 80K a year, but at least on my way somewhere. I’m nowhere. And I have two more years to go. I will be 27 by the time I’m done. 27 by the time I even have a chance at starting to be someone. If I make it through. If I live that long. I’m sad all the time. I need things to start going my way, at least sometimes. I could maybe make them happen, if I weren’t always feeling this way. But I am.

This post was much better the first time through. I am so sorry.


Blogger Squirrely said...

Well at least the birthday girl was good on making you feel welcome.....and you got to sing some Frankie (One of my all time favourite singers by the way)

December 02, 2005 9:03 AM  
Blogger Beer said...

"so how do you think you did on that test" is a perfectly acceptable way to talk to someone in your class, especially someone who asked for notes to study for that very test. Sorry to hear about your lack of insurance. But hey, car's an expensive albatross anyway. I take the metro every day and it's fine (actually I often despise it, but never so much that I actually want to drive in this city)

December 02, 2005 10:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im going to openly agree with beer here, and state that "how do you think you did on that test" or upon getting the test back "how did you do" are THE BEST way to talk to the girl. I mean, it leaves so much open to continue. For example, says she did better than you, you can be all like "damn, I guess I shouldn't have given you my notes" and then shes all like "haha" and then you can be like "well, considering that you seem to be doing well in this class, perhaps you'd be interested in helping a fellow undergraduate up his GPA in an attempt to stabilize his future" or something along those lines. Also, if you end up doing better than her, you can be funny like "damn I guess thats the last time you ask for my notes eh, haha" or "hey, i didn't do so hot (regardless of how you did) perhaps we can get together sometime to study together, it is a scientific fact that 2 heads are better than one (also this is why girls like 2 guys at the same time, but i digress)"

honestly, if you do not do this, you have wasted a perfect opportunity and i will punch you in the kidney the next time i see you, what do you think of that?

(heart) Daver

December 03, 2005 5:34 AM  

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