A close call

Probably lucky I'm still alive or at least not in the hospital. I wasn't able to get to sleep and it's probably a good thing I couldn't. I might be dead otherwise, I don't really know. Started throwing up around 4:00 or 5:00 AM. This continued for several hours until I was finally able to get to sleep around 10:00 AM or so (slept 'till 1:00). See, I think I finally went overboard with the pills and alcohol. Took two percocets, two tylenol with codeine, had a gin & tonic, a little scotch, a couple glasses of red wine and a beer. Don't worry, I'm fine now. Flushed the remaining percocets down the toilet, I'm done with them. I guess I've learned my lesson. I'm just lucky I didn't fall asleep and choke to death on my own vomit (it has been known to happen).

Anyways, before the sleeplessness and vomiting, I felt great. I need something to make me happy. Things really aren't getting any better, so any temporary happiness is better than none. I seriously think I'm getting more bitter and jaded. I think my sadness is giving way to anger. I see a happy couple, groups of friends and just resent them so much. Why can't that be me? With me, it's just rejection after rejection. Called my friend Blondie on Tuesday and Thursday. She couldn't talk both times, but promised to call back later. She never did. Starbucks Girl had a rare day off the other week, said she was going with some friends and would give me a shout about the details. She never did. Girl I went to high school with came in my store last week, said we should hang out. I gave her my email address, told her to get in touch with me. She never did. Did the girl I ran into at the Irish Pub add me to her MSN list? What do you think?

Why does this keep happening to me? People seem to love telling me that they're going to get back to me and never do. If I tell someone I'm going to call or email them, I actually do it. A novel concept, eh? Like everyone, sometimes I forget or get busy or fall asleep or whatever. In that case, I'll get in touch the next day or whenever. Now if this happened to me once or twice, fine, I could accept that. But this is a recurring pattern and it seems to happen almost exclusively with women. It's a wonder I'm not a misogynist by now.

I think what made me take so many pills was that she told me that she didn't love me the same way I loved her. No, this isn't she, this is someone else, someone I haven't written about at all here. Someone I haven't actually discussed with anyone and someone that I'm bringing up here for the first and last time. I'm not going into any detail, because I really don't feel like it. I told her that I was in love with her and she said that she felt the same way. It was great, I felt great. Then she thought about it and told me that her feelings had changed (in the span of about a week). I wasn't really that shocked. I've always come to expect the worst, after all that's how things seem to end up, especially when women are involved. None of them seem to want to give me a chance.

Still blogging for now

Sad to see that The Understanding Collective is no more, though it did last longer than I thought it would. I guess TMWNN got tired of the blogging thing once again (see: The Worst Blog In History and The Time Burglar). The Understanding Collective had the right idea of keeping the number of contributors down to only TMWNN and Beer, though still it wasn't enough to save the thing. I don't think anything will ever top the heyday of The Worst Blog in History, even though it did spiral out of control with too many contributors (I think there were like 17 towards the end!), controversial changes in management and petty in fighting. Still, before it collapsed under its own weight, it was good times. I wish there were an archive of it somewhere. I'd ask TMWNN, but he doesn't talk to me anymore for whatever reason, so I won't bother. Still, good memories.

Still haven't gotten any essay writing done. I really need to get down to business. Had a touch of a cold for the last day or two. Nothing serious, but still enough that I didn't feel up to doing much. Maybe I'll be able to focus this weekend. I really need to.

I can't seem to stop biting my fingernails. I know it's a gross habit, I just can't seem to stop. I suppose I'm nervous, for whatever reason. I'm always nervous. I wonder what my blood pressure is? Maybe I'll go out for a cigarette, that night calm my nerves. After I'm done this.

This upcoming summer scares me. I turn 25 at the end of April. I'll have (hopefully) completed half of my University career. Still have two years to go. I really hope to have some time to relax, but I'm definitely going to need a new, higher paying job, which probably means something 9-5 ish, with nowhere near as flexible a schedule as I have at my current work. I'll need to shop for a car. There might be some family changes coming. Am I going to be alone all summer, alone with my thoughts and my dog or will I have stuff to do, people to hang out with? Will I manage to make some money, buy a car, have some fun, go out and do stuff, find time for rest and relaxation, maybe start dating again? I'll still have two years of University left. Wow....I mean, where is my life going? Last summer things were really pretty good, on the whole. I had a car, I had friends, I was going out, I was dating, I had just successfully finished my first year of school, and my financial situation was more secure. Things were on the upswing. As I approach this summer, things are very uncertain. Now I'm really biting my nails. Man, am I ever scared.

A lesser blog entry (or so I think)

First day proper of reading week today. The day was actually rather productive. Didn't actually touch any schoolwork (which might have been wise), but rather cleaned my room out. Did a very good job, I must say. There's still a little bit to do, but I can finish 'er up tomorrow, no problem. Still, proud of how much I did.

Also, went out on both Friday and Sunday nights, which pretty much doubles my total for this whole year. Just went out for drinks with Marty Boy on Friday (it was his B-Day a few days before) and went out with my new friend Mike D on Sunday, just to a local pub. Starbucks Girl works there, so I go to see her, which was nice. She works pretty much every night, so I never get to hang out with her anymore....it's a shame. Ran into a girl (who used to date a friend) from high school. Hadn't seen her in years. She and her friend joined us, it was nice. Got her email address, though really I was much more interested in her friend. Maybe I can ask about her sometime, if we ever do get to chatting. Maybe not. Also, they had karaoke, which was a nice plus. Sang 'Tiny Dancer'. It went over well. So all in all, good for me, I guess. Am I still miserable? Yes, but I guess I'm making strides. I think I am. But what do I know?

Also, this blog is just becoming such a pain to constantly update. Seriously, I'm just not feeling it like I once was. I just don't think the interest is there from readers either. It may be time to put it on hiatus or maybe even shut it down. I could give it over to someone else or maybe get a co-blogger. I don't know. Right now, I don't know what to do with it. We'll see.

The Olympics are boring

I really don't care at all about the Olympics. I'm not watching at all. I mean, I want Canada to do well and all and I might watch if Canada's hockey team gets to the Gold medal game. But really, I can't be bothered to watch....except for women's figure skating. And I really only care about one person. No, she's not Canadian. Forget all the national pride. This girl is STUPID hot. Man, I hope she wins. I couldn't care less about how Canada does here or even about watching any of the other skaters. I hope they all fall, quite frankly. For me, these Olympics are all about Sasha. Holy shit, is she ever foxy. Not to mention flexible....mmmmm......

I just ate too much pizza

No school for the next ten days, it's reading week. Yay. I do need to get some work done, that is for sure. On the upside, I can sleep in pretty much everyday for the next ten days. On the downside, I'll probably be bored out of my mind for the next ten days. Maybe someone will invite me out somewhere...it could happen. But it likely won't. On occasion I do try asking people if they'd like to hang out with me, but all I seem to ever get is non-committal answers, lame excuses and the such. At some point you have to know when to get the hint that people just don't want to spend time with you. I'll try again....anyone want to do anything next week? Anyone?

I think any hopes I had of getting with Cute Red Head are quite dead. Yes, she did give me a little Valentine card (though entirely platonic in nature) but there are no signals anywhere. I never get signals or hints or vibes. EVER. Just once I wish someone would check me out....a girl would be the best-case scenario. Anyways, she needed to borrow some more notes and a DVD for film class, so I said I'd be happy to meet up with her on Wednesday sometime, if she wanted them. She said I could call her sometime that day to find out where she would be. It took me about five minutes just to bring myself to dial the phone. That's how bad off I am. Someone says, "Call me" and I can barely bring myself to do it. God, I'm such a gutless coward. I truly do hate myself. Still, found out where to meet her, headed down for class a bit early, smoked a cigar (the weather was nice enough). Met her outside the cafe....and she was with her dude. As far as I can tell, there is nothing wrong with him. He seems like a nice fellow, not an idiot, not socially inept, not fat or ugly. Had he been any of those things, I might, MIGHT have had a glimmer of hope. But I don't. Having met him, I can safely say I have nothing to offer that he doesn't have. I'm sure he's entirely better than me. Pretty much everyone is, so I guess this really shouldn't come as much of a surprise. On the plus, the tuna melt I had for lunch that day was rather good.

My Valentine

Yup, the closest thing I have to a 'Valentine' is my fat little dog, Bobo. That's the only person I'll be sharing my bed with tonight. Again. Seriously, this has to be the most depressing day of the year for me. Now I know, not everyone has someone. That's fair. But I'm sure that at some point in their adult lives (I'll say from 16 onward) everyone reading this has had someone on at least one Valentine's Day. Me? Never. Not once. This is why I hate it.

My day consisted of me going to school, coming home, taking a nap, feeling sorry for myself, taking another nap and now typing this. I'll likely finish it off with more self-pity and some heavy, solitary drinking. Good times. The only bright note is that Cute Red Head did give me a little Valentine's card in class today. No, it was a strictly platonic type (there was a clown on it), not a hint of any romance. She's got someone. I should give up there.

Saw a really cute girl on the bus today while I was coming home. I thought for a split second that I might go over and talk to her. But then what would I say? Would she even talk to me? She probably has a boyfriend. She had a ring on the ring finger of her left hand, that means she does, right? It's a moot point. I'll shut up about it now.

At least it's almost over, maybe the most consistently depressing day of the year for me. The reminder that I am so bitterly alone, always have been and am likely to stay that way. It's my mother's birthday too, which is okay. Plus Marty Boy's. Two things I can keep my mind on instead, I suppose. But there's no getting around it: this day sucks. Last year it wasn't that bad, I had this sense of optimism. You see, I had had a great day only a couple days before. That ain't the case this time around. I can't see any good days on the horizon. To all the happy couples out there, I hope you all have a good one. Take care.

She called me 'Muffin'

Have an exam on Monday that I really do need to study for. I wish I could just concentrate, even a little. Even though I really don't have much better to do, I still can't seem to focus on it. Sad.

Sorry for the lack of posts this week and for my last miserable post. Sometimes I just feel like utter shit and this is my outlet. It helps me deal. I still think I'm a friendless loser, but I don't feel as bad as I did on Tuesday. Some days are better than others. That's just how it is. I guess we'll see how my week was.

Skipped out early on my English class Wednesday night and went with two classmates (Freckles and Mo-mo) to grab a bite. Maybe they're friends, I don't know. If I hang out with them outside of school, I'll consider them such. Ditto Cute Red Head. One problem is that all of these people live on the complete opposite side of the city.

I need a car.

I don't care if it's a beater, I need some sort of vehicle. Plus, if I want to re-establish any sort of love life, a car is a must. I didn't go on any dates pre-car and I haven't been on any post-car. If I were a girl, would I go out with some guy who didn't have one? Hell no. Sorry, but I suspect that if most people were to be completely honest, they'd come to the same conclusion. From a practical standpoint, what if I meet someone nice at school and she lives downtown or further? Or what if we're chatting on MSN and decide to do something spur of the moment? And my internet dating wouldn't have been at all possible without said car. And like I said, a guy is sort of expected to have a car, especially if he lives in the bloody suburbs. I had this discussion with my new co-worker, Carlos, who's in a very similar automotive predicament to mine, though actually considerably worse. He agreed with my line of thinking 100%. As someone who had a car and now doesn't, he can relate to my situation. So I'm officially looking for a vehicle. Should be fun.

What else....uh, I got my hair cut yesterday. I always think it's too short, but it grows, soon enough. And I really like having someone wash my hair for me. It's so infinitely relaxing. Also, this really, really pretty girl who works as a colourist there called me 'Muffin'. She is beyond pretty and I blushed so much. I'm such a nerd. For the record she is far too good looking for me and has a boyfriend. She was just being cute. It was still nice.

The other day, I found out that it's Cute Red Head's birthday tomorrow. I'll send her a very nice email, maybe a little bit mushy (but in a friend sort of way) and that's it. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't want to go overboard, do too much, too soon. I may have done that before with someone and it caused me much pain. I'd like to get her something, but it's probably a bad idea. I don't know.

On a final note, something rather shocking happened to me this week. It's nothing earth shattering, but I was surprised by it. It's certainly not a bad thing; I would even go so far to say it was good. As to how good, I'm not sure. Time will tell. Again, it was a pleasant surprise. Am I going to share it? Hmmm....no. Not here, not yet. Maybe not ever. I'm pretty good with sharing all aspects of my life here; let's keep this under wraps.

Sorry to all reading this...

This is going to be a depressing post. I'm in one of those moods. This one may be a biggie. We'll see how it plays out.

So, I have no friends. I think this is really what's at the bottom of my deepest depression. Yes, my home life stinks, school isn't going so well, my job is lame, I don't have a car, I can't get laid, etc. These are all concerns, yes. But I do know and have known other people with these problems. They are all people who have friends, people they can hang out with, people they can count on, talk to when they're low, share good times with. I really don't have anyone. It's sad and it's true.

First, let's get something out of the way. Okay, I do have some friends. The person I consider to be my closest friend, now lives in Japan. That's far. I have another who isn't quite so far off, but certainly not in the same city or area. Too far, at any rate to see. I do have my friend Blondie, she lives pretty close. But she works 7 days a week until 11:00 PM or later. She is a very sweet person and calls me from time to time, but again, she works all the time and on top of this, she's six years younger than I am and we're not really on the same level of maturity. I need someone my own age. So where does that leave me?

With Marty-Boy. That's it. I have ONE friend. One person that I hang out with on anywhere close to a regular basis. We went out to watch the Super Bowl. The last time I saw him prior, was the ill-fated New Year's debacle. Yikes.

What I'm trying to say here, is that I have no life. Sunday was the first time in about six weeks that I'd been to a bar or restaurant. I have no one to go with. I know that not everyone can be Mr. or Miss Popularity, but I'll bet that everyone who is reading this gets out more than I do. Why? They HAVE someone, in some form to go with. What do I have? My friend, whom I've known since grade 5 and that's why he's my friend.

Make some friends, you say? I just can't see how or where? I know I'm in school and that should be okay, right? Well, there are many strikes against me there. I don't live anywhere near campus. I don't know how to meet people whilst there or what to say. And even if I do, I'll be exposed for the loser I am, sure enough. Take Cute Red Head. She's someone who was nice to me, came up to me, talked etc. It's her first year at U of T (she went elsewhere before), so she didn't know many people. Cool, someone talked to me. But despite what she may say, she still an acquaintance. I've never gone out on a Friday night with her or out to see a movie. That's what I mean by having a 'friend'. Someone you hang out with on at least a semi-consistent basis, outside of work or school. Chances are if I try that with her (or any other girl) she'll just think I want to bang her (in this case, true, but I'm interested in friends right now). Or if I try going up to a guy and being friendly? They'll think I'm gay and slug me. How does a guy pick up another guy, but as a friend? I have no fucking clue.

But I digress.

I should probably just give up. She has a boyfriend, first off. Unless he's a violent alcoholic, I have no reason to believe that I'm any significant upgrade. Still, forget that. As a friend. We keep being all friendly like, whatever. She says "Hey, my friends and I are going to so-and-so this Friday. You should bring some of your friends along, it'll be fun". What happens when I show up with nobody? What will people think of a guy who has no friends to begin with? There must be something wrong with him, there must be a reason he has no friends. It'll end up just like that karaoke thing I went to. You can't make old friends without having some new ones to begin with. I mean, if I were in a new city, fine. But I've lived in the same area my whole life. I have NO EXCUSE for not having friends. I am a loser, plain and simple. What other excuse is there? I mean, no one want to be friends with a loser.

Maybe there is something wrong with me, I don't know. Today I almost cried twice, I was so depressed. In public. I'm not joking. The first time I was sitting in the cafe at school. EVERYONE was sitting with someone else, chatting merrily. I was drinking my coffee and eating my sandwich all by my lonesome. The thought of getting up and going over to someone even crossed my mind, but then I realized how stupid I would look. All these people HAVE friends already. Why would anyone want to be stuck with the friendless loser? The second time was while people were discussing various Oscar nominated films right before tutorial. I couldn't participate, seeing as I have seen NONE of the films. I haven't seen a movie since September. Who do I have to go with? What am I supposed to say? "Oh, I haven't seen any of these films, because I have no friends to go with". I guess that would be honest.

One last thing before I go and stick my head in the oven. I just remembered how the other night I was talking to Cute Red Head over the MSN and asked her "Hey, how come you're not doing anything tonight"? It was a Saturday, I think, so I was surprised to see her in. She said she didn't have anything to do and her boyfriend (grumble) was at work. I of course, had nothing to do as well. Remember, I have no friends. For her, it was probably just a rarity. Again, not everyone is busy every night. Had I a car, I might have said, "Hey, want to go do something". See, she lives on the other extreme end of the city. Even if I had somewhere to go, how would I get there? No car...no friends....no girl....no life.....no nothing. Man, I've got it all.

Ignore that last post, please!

Man, I need to apologize for the last post. I think I'd had a few drinks at that point. I think it's best if everyone just sort of ignores it. I really need to get over things that are in the past and move on. It’s just that my present ain’t too grand.

Firstly, I'd just like to offer up my congratulations to the lovely Ms. Daphne, as she enters into an exciting new phase of her life with her gentleman. Officially, I'm supposed to hate the two of them, as they're a happy couple, something which makes me both sick and miserable. But off the record, I'm very happy that she's going to be very happy. I mean it. Now leave me alone regarding that.

Nothing much new to report on Cute Red Head front. I don't want to be too pushy in trying to be her friend or anything, though I have learned that she does consider me a 'friend' for what it's worth. We were chatting over the MSN (this time a conversation she initiated) and we were discussing something along the lines of meeting new people and how difficult it can sometimes be. I said, "Well, you're a new person. Hey, we might even be friends someday". To which she replied "Hey, I consider you my friend already. You're certainly more than an acquaintance". That made me smile for a minute or two. For the record, I actually did talk to a few other people this week at school, more so than I usually do. One person came up to me while I was outside smoking and asked me for my English notes. I said I needed them, but could email them to her, if she wanted. I'll do that shortly. Talked to some guy who's in my Shakespeare course and my film courses. We chatted for a few minutes before class. He seemed like a nice fellow. Then some girl after film tutorial. She's part of the school's Cinema Studies journal, I think. Maybe that's something to consider getting involved in. Finally, another girl asked to see my notes before class. She was sort of cute. Just thought I'd throw that in. Whatever. If one of these four people becomes a 'friend' I'll be thrilled.

Lastly, there's one thing that I've never been able to understand about myself. I take a Shakespeare course. During this week's class, our prof decided to have people put on an impromptu staging of the last act of this week's play, Measure For Measure. I don't know why now all of a sudden. We've never done it before. But I hope we get the chance again. See, when asked for volunteers, I was the first person to put my hand up, for the biggest part (The Duke). There I am, at my stentorian best, performing lengthy Shakespeare talk in front of a whole class, not feeling self-conscious about it in the least. I have NO problem, giving a speech or singing a song in front of a hundred or a thousand complete strangers. But if you ask me to talk to ONE of those strangers...I just can't do it. It makes little sense perhaps, but that's just how it is. I wish I could explain it or better yet, do something about it. But I can't.

She's still there....

Thanks for all who weighed in with that hot dog thing. Mustard, of course, is the right answer. See my comment for further clarification.

Anyhow, I had a post ready to go, one that I typed up at work....but it'll have to wait for tomorrow because I think I'm going crazy now. You see, ever since I've been on the computer (about 50 minutes), she has been on the old MSN. She is very rarely on and when she is, it's never for very long. But there she is....I don't know what to do....I want to talk to her and yet I don't. She's still there...several times I've been so close to saying something....I've even double clicked on the window and everything...started to type but never sent. Okay, It's not been an hour (sorry, I'm taking my time with this post). I wish she would get offline. I'm weak and I'm going to talk to her if she doesn't. FUCK. Get off! Please....I'm going to do it...I have to say something.

She just got off. She didn't even say 'hi'. What a bitch.