Saturday, February 25, 2006

A close call

Probably lucky I'm still alive or at least not in the hospital. I wasn't able to get to sleep and it's probably a good thing I couldn't. I might be dead otherwise, I don't really know. Started throwing up around 4:00 or 5:00 AM. This continued for several hours until I was finally able to get to sleep around 10:00 AM or so (slept 'till 1:00). See, I think I finally went overboard with the pills and alcohol. Took two percocets, two tylenol with codeine, had a gin & tonic, a little scotch, a couple glasses of red wine and a beer. Don't worry, I'm fine now. Flushed the remaining percocets down the toilet, I'm done with them. I guess I've learned my lesson. I'm just lucky I didn't fall asleep and choke to death on my own vomit (it has been known to happen).

Anyways, before the sleeplessness and vomiting, I felt great. I need something to make me happy. Things really aren't getting any better, so any temporary happiness is better than none. I seriously think I'm getting more bitter and jaded. I think my sadness is giving way to anger. I see a happy couple, groups of friends and just resent them so much. Why can't that be me? With me, it's just rejection after rejection. Called my friend Blondie on Tuesday and Thursday. She couldn't talk both times, but promised to call back later. She never did. Starbucks Girl had a rare day off the other week, said she was going with some friends and would give me a shout about the details. She never did. Girl I went to high school with came in my store last week, said we should hang out. I gave her my email address, told her to get in touch with me. She never did. Did the girl I ran into at the Irish Pub add me to her MSN list? What do you think?

Why does this keep happening to me? People seem to love telling me that they're going to get back to me and never do. If I tell someone I'm going to call or email them, I actually do it. A novel concept, eh? Like everyone, sometimes I forget or get busy or fall asleep or whatever. In that case, I'll get in touch the next day or whenever. Now if this happened to me once or twice, fine, I could accept that. But this is a recurring pattern and it seems to happen almost exclusively with women. It's a wonder I'm not a misogynist by now.

I think what made me take so many pills was that she told me that she didn't love me the same way I loved her. No, this isn't she, this is someone else, someone I haven't written about at all here. Someone I haven't actually discussed with anyone and someone that I'm bringing up here for the first and last time. I'm not going into any detail, because I really don't feel like it. I told her that I was in love with her and she said that she felt the same way. It was great, I felt great. Then she thought about it and told me that her feelings had changed (in the span of about a week). I wasn't really that shocked. I've always come to expect the worst, after all that's how things seem to end up, especially when women are involved. None of them seem to want to give me a chance.

2 Comments:

Blogger Chachi in Charge said...

Honestly I think you should write some music or paint pictures and use this time in your life as a creative outlet. I realize this blog is a start but not really. Cause one day you'll be happy and that inspiration will be gone.

Get a new job, take a swing dance class or something, start going to places that interest you and strike up random conversations with people who are there, because odds are they're into the same things you are... switch things up...
Thats my 2 cents anyway

February 26, 2006 1:24 AM  
Blogger d rock said...

fuck man, someone go visit him. sorry chachi your advice is good but what he really needs is a friend who will spend time with him. i would but i am in japan. hell all the guy is asking for is someone to spend time wiht, go for a beer with, just shoot the shit. fuck the person who should really know better is marty boy but hes too busy being boring. anyways that last post was scary, i dont want to go home for a funeral, espically one for my best friend. fuck man.

February 27, 2006 10:28 PM  

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