Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Sorry to all reading this...

This is going to be a depressing post. I'm in one of those moods. This one may be a biggie. We'll see how it plays out.

So, I have no friends. I think this is really what's at the bottom of my deepest depression. Yes, my home life stinks, school isn't going so well, my job is lame, I don't have a car, I can't get laid, etc. These are all concerns, yes. But I do know and have known other people with these problems. They are all people who have friends, people they can hang out with, people they can count on, talk to when they're low, share good times with. I really don't have anyone. It's sad and it's true.

First, let's get something out of the way. Okay, I do have some friends. The person I consider to be my closest friend, now lives in Japan. That's far. I have another who isn't quite so far off, but certainly not in the same city or area. Too far, at any rate to see. I do have my friend Blondie, she lives pretty close. But she works 7 days a week until 11:00 PM or later. She is a very sweet person and calls me from time to time, but again, she works all the time and on top of this, she's six years younger than I am and we're not really on the same level of maturity. I need someone my own age. So where does that leave me?

With Marty-Boy. That's it. I have ONE friend. One person that I hang out with on anywhere close to a regular basis. We went out to watch the Super Bowl. The last time I saw him prior, was the ill-fated New Year's debacle. Yikes.

What I'm trying to say here, is that I have no life. Sunday was the first time in about six weeks that I'd been to a bar or restaurant. I have no one to go with. I know that not everyone can be Mr. or Miss Popularity, but I'll bet that everyone who is reading this gets out more than I do. Why? They HAVE someone, in some form to go with. What do I have? My friend, whom I've known since grade 5 and that's why he's my friend.

Make some friends, you say? I just can't see how or where? I know I'm in school and that should be okay, right? Well, there are many strikes against me there. I don't live anywhere near campus. I don't know how to meet people whilst there or what to say. And even if I do, I'll be exposed for the loser I am, sure enough. Take Cute Red Head. She's someone who was nice to me, came up to me, talked etc. It's her first year at U of T (she went elsewhere before), so she didn't know many people. Cool, someone talked to me. But despite what she may say, she still an acquaintance. I've never gone out on a Friday night with her or out to see a movie. That's what I mean by having a 'friend'. Someone you hang out with on at least a semi-consistent basis, outside of work or school. Chances are if I try that with her (or any other girl) she'll just think I want to bang her (in this case, true, but I'm interested in friends right now). Or if I try going up to a guy and being friendly? They'll think I'm gay and slug me. How does a guy pick up another guy, but as a friend? I have no fucking clue.

But I digress.

I should probably just give up. She has a boyfriend, first off. Unless he's a violent alcoholic, I have no reason to believe that I'm any significant upgrade. Still, forget that. As a friend. We keep being all friendly like, whatever. She says "Hey, my friends and I are going to so-and-so this Friday. You should bring some of your friends along, it'll be fun". What happens when I show up with nobody? What will people think of a guy who has no friends to begin with? There must be something wrong with him, there must be a reason he has no friends. It'll end up just like that karaoke thing I went to. You can't make old friends without having some new ones to begin with. I mean, if I were in a new city, fine. But I've lived in the same area my whole life. I have NO EXCUSE for not having friends. I am a loser, plain and simple. What other excuse is there? I mean, no one want to be friends with a loser.

Maybe there is something wrong with me, I don't know. Today I almost cried twice, I was so depressed. In public. I'm not joking. The first time I was sitting in the cafe at school. EVERYONE was sitting with someone else, chatting merrily. I was drinking my coffee and eating my sandwich all by my lonesome. The thought of getting up and going over to someone even crossed my mind, but then I realized how stupid I would look. All these people HAVE friends already. Why would anyone want to be stuck with the friendless loser? The second time was while people were discussing various Oscar nominated films right before tutorial. I couldn't participate, seeing as I have seen NONE of the films. I haven't seen a movie since September. Who do I have to go with? What am I supposed to say? "Oh, I haven't seen any of these films, because I have no friends to go with". I guess that would be honest.

One last thing before I go and stick my head in the oven. I just remembered how the other night I was talking to Cute Red Head over the MSN and asked her "Hey, how come you're not doing anything tonight"? It was a Saturday, I think, so I was surprised to see her in. She said she didn't have anything to do and her boyfriend (grumble) was at work. I of course, had nothing to do as well. Remember, I have no friends. For her, it was probably just a rarity. Again, not everyone is busy every night. Had I a car, I might have said, "Hey, want to go do something". See, she lives on the other extreme end of the city. Even if I had somewhere to go, how would I get there? No car...no friends....no girl....no life.....no nothing. Man, I've got it all.


Blogger d rock said...

i am not trying to sound cute or funny, but maybe it would be good for you to move somewhere else for a while, i mean somewhere where you dont know anyone, you know kind of a fresh start. that way if someone says "hey lets go out and bring some friends" you can say, "sorry i am new here and i dont really know anyone" you wouldnt have to worry about people thinking you are strange, since you are a new person, people wont expect you to have pre established relationships. also marty boy really should have thought better about that new years thing, i mean that was a shitty shitty thing for you

February 08, 2006 12:57 AM  
Blogger Squirrely said...

Okay, I don't know you. I have never met you in my life. I just know you through your blog. But, one thing that I can say I like about you, is your ability to accept critisism from others to your advantage (D Rock, I'm far from implying that your comment was critisism in any way, I'm just thinking out loud here).
Anyways, people come on your blog, bash you all to hell, comment on your faults as a human being, and you never get mad! You take it with you in your journey of life to make yourself a better person. I love that! Most people would be like, "Screw off, whoever you are. What do you know?!". More people in this world need that characteristic that you have. Hopefully this made you feel better about yourself.

February 08, 2006 4:26 PM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

I know, D Rock, I really do need a fresh start. Trouble is, I still have two years of university to go. I don't know. And in Marty Boy's defence, yes the New Year's thing was completely shitty, but had he not invited me out, I would have stayed at home. I had no other options. At least he did try and make me feel wanted or whatever.

And Squirrely, I'm not sure if what you're saying is especially a good thing. I mean, maybe I should get mad. Accepting criticism is one thing, but maybe I'm too much of a pushover. I should think more highly of myself and screw what other people think. To an extent. I don't know, just a though. I wonder what other people think.

February 10, 2006 2:04 PM  
Blogger Squirrely said...

Maybe your right....to a point. I'm the complete opposite of you. I'm irrational and I never listen (or take the advice of)constructive critisism, which I should, because it could make me a better person. I wish I was more like you.

February 10, 2006 4:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

see there you go, some dude wishes he was like you. now dont you feel better?

this is a retorical question, I know you dont.

February 10, 2006 7:15 PM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

Squirrely is a lady, not a dude, first off.

Secondly, I do feel a little bit better than I did before, actually. Whether this has anything to do with her comment, I don't know. I am someone who's willing to take constructive criticism and yeah, that is a good thing. But do I go too far and let what others think dictate the way I behave and act? It's very possible.

February 10, 2006 9:36 PM  

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