Not too happy with the fairer sex right now

I am in an exquisite amount of pain right now. My arms, my back, my chest and my neck are all incredibly stiff right now. My legs are probably the only major part of my body not affected by the aches. You see, I decided to hit the gym on Thursday night and I think I probably over did it in my first session. I can scarcely move right now. I'm also exhausted as I was in so much pain that I wasn't able to sleep very well last night. I guess I should have eased myself into this. I'll take it slower from now on.

My anger and bitterness continues unabated. I don't know why I thought of this, but what I've really come to despise is girls complaining to me about their many relationship issues.

"My boyfriend cheated on me"

"He's really controlling, possessive and jealous"

"I had to call the cops on him"

"He's a bum, doesn't work and mooches money off of me"

You name it and I've probably heard it at some point. It's like I'm a gay best friend or something. To be fair, I really didn't mind listening to people for the longest time. I'm a good listener, I like to listen. But I have gotten so sick of any or all of the above and am beginning to have no sympathy, as heartless as that may sound. You see, with the exception of few very brief stretches in my life, I have no one. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm a decent fellow, more importantly one who has always respected and treated women well. Maybe it's because I have a good relationship with my mother, who knows. It's not important. What irks me to no end is that they complain and yet go back to the jerk that caused the police to be called. And I sit alone, unloved and unwanted. Am I condemning an entire gender unfairly? Perhaps, but only after being ignored for so very long, to the point where it's no longer bearable. So forgive me if I'm no longer able to have much sympathy for you if your boyfriend is jealous or unappreciative or even abusive. And I've always been a very sympathetic / empathetic person. But my bitterness has finally overwhelmed that sympathy. I can't promise that I would make a perfect boyfriend to anyone, but I do know that I'd never intentionally hurt someone I was with, make them feel unwanted or unappreciated or take advantage of them. And trust me, you'd never have to call 911 on me. But I guess that's not what women want. So they can go cry to someone else from now on when their relationship falls to hell.

I don't want to have to think like this, to be like this. It's not me, I don't like it. But I'm also so sick of being ignored. You get to a point and it's not easy to keep such thoughts out of your head. I hear all the various lousy things guys do to girls and know deep down in my heart that I would be sick to my stomach if I ever did that. Please also note that of course I'm not condemning all men here either. I've just heard a lot of complaints, that's all. And it always ends with them saying "...but I love him". In that case I'm very happy for the two of you and the many tears that he makes you cry, the money he sucks out of your bank account and all the other shit he puts you through. Don't complain to a decent fellow who has been completely ignored by your sex for the last 25 years. Thank you.

I was going to write about a couple of other things, but this post has gone on longer than I expected it to. So I suppose I'll save them for another time. Despite my anger and bitterness, I do sincerely wish a pleasant day to all those reading this, even if I’m home alone this Saturday night, heavily medicated.

Um, let's go Raptors?

I must confess I'm not a huge basketball fan, as people who read this may know, I'm really into baseball (and football during the autumn/winter). But thanks to a link from Slam Online, I appear to be receiving what will likely be a record number of hits today. The previous high was on January 24th, which is the day after the most depressing day of the year, according to some study. I guess people googled "depressing day" and found my blog. Ironically, January 23rd wasn't at all a depressing day for me, seeing as that was the day that my boy Stephen Harper ended twelve years of Liberal dictatorship and became Canada's Prime Minister. Strange how these things work out isn't it? Depressing day is a good day for World's Most Depressed person.

Anyhow, I wasn't planning on posting, but I thought I would, just to take advantage of my 15 minutes of blog fame. Here is my depressing blog, basketball fans. Feel free to look around and thanks to Sam Rubenstein for linking to me. For the record, I think Mark Cuban is great for basketball and great for sports in general. He may be a billionaire and owner of an NBA franchise, but it's nice to have a guy who's passionate about his team and is really just a big fan with money. I'm usually bitter towards rich, happy, successful people, but he seems like a cool guy. I was sad to see the Mavs blow it in the finals, seeing as I'm also a fan of Disco Dirk. The one nice thing about it though, is that a classy fellow like Shaq proves he can win another title without the help of that little bitch Kobe. That's all I have to say.

My neck hurts and I wish I had some hardcore painkillers.

Oh, someone give me a reason to get up in the morning

I should really apologize for the angry nature of the last post...I've been very moody lately, shifting frequently between sadness, anger and indifference. For now I'm in the latter stage. I'm not sure if it's the best place to be. Anger at least motivates me to get something done, whereas right now I don't have much desire to do anything. Life ain't great. I think my social life has officially died, having been on life support for quite a while. In fact, I'll be shocked if I leave the house except to go to work for the remainder of the summer. The Hall & Oates concert seems to be a total write-off, a huge waste of money. I really, truly need some friends. If it were as easy as 'go make some' I would, but let's face it, it isn't. People have told me to just 'go out and make some friends', but I honestly don't think it's nearly that simple. If anyone out there reading has gone and successfully done it, please do let me know how.

I've decided to join a gym, but that's really because I'm not feeling great lately, what with the being sleepy all the time. That plus I feel out of shape and am beginning to look it for the first time in my life. Will I make friends while working out? Have any of you...honestly? I'd be amazed. I really think I'm destined to be alone. No friendship, no companionship. Nothing but a fat, old dog keeping my feet warm at night.

I need a beer...and pills. Fuck all this.

Not a good weekend. I really don't want to write anything, I don't want to do anything at all. This won't be up to my usual standard, for that I apologize. All I want to do is sleep, something I've been doing a lot of lately. Beats being awake, that's for sure.

On Friday I went to a going away get-together for my co-worker Ursula. She landed a good job out west and left yesterday. It's a great opportunity for her. Made me think though. If I were going away, what kind of going away party would I have? Not much of one, that's for sure. She had a pretty decent turnout, a total of about 15 people I think. Not too shabby. How many would turn out for me? Probably none, seeing as I wouldn't have anyone to invite in the first place. How sad it would be. I'd have maybe a few people to even invite and how many of those would show? 2 or 3? What a joke. See the last post...a free ticket to a concert and the only response is a joke response from someone who's in Japan. I do know D Rock would go if he were here, but it hurts that I can't find a single person who would want to go with me. That shows you just how popular I am. If I left tomorrow, I'd be gone and how many people would miss me? Not too many. I could wake up dead and would I be mourned? Not likely.

I'm just pissed off lately. Really angry. Why do I bother? I mean, I'm always nice to people or at least I try to be. Sure, everyone can be an asshole at times, myself included. But I really try...When I buy a coffee, I always say please and thank you, give a warm smile to the person behind the counter and for what, where does it get me? Why do I hold the door open for people, why do I say excuse me when I pass in front of someone? It's gotten me nowhere. I know that kindness should be its own reward, but to be as miserable and friendless as I am, it hurts.

Fuck it. Fuck treating people well. No point in being nice to people, where has it gotten me? Nowhere. I see and hear from women all the time who are or have been with guys who treat them like shit, cheat on them, take advantage of them, display incredible jealousy and all sorts of bad things. And yet these guys seem to do pretty well with chicks. Why aren't I one of them? That should be my approach. Why bother being respectful and stuff. Fuck it. Treat them like shit, that's what seems to work. Man, if I ever do manage to get a girl, why don't I treat her like garbage, use her for sex and then let her know that? That's what other guys do and it works for them.

No friends sucks. All I have to do is sit around and drink. It's what I did last night, it's what I'll do today. That and sleep. Maybe I have some pills left, that'll enhance the experience. Plus I'll be able to sleep better. If I'm left alone with my own thoughts too long while sober, I don't feel right....it starts to hurt too much. Fuck.

Everyone likes free stuff, right?

Okay folks, here's the deal. You may remember that about a month ago I wrote about going to see legendary soul/pop duo Hall & Oates. I decided to use the tickets as a birthday present to my friend Blondie, as I know she enjoys H2O, albeit not as much as I do. All was fine and good and she was quite thrilled with her b-day gift. However, she will be in New Zealand for much of August and though she was due to make it back just in the nick of time, things have changed. She will now not be getting back until August 29th and the concert is on August 28th (a Monday).

So now I have no one to go with to see the best selling duo in pop music history. I was really looking forward to going and seeing this show. I still want to go, but I really don't want to go it alone. So if there is anyone out there who would like a free ticket to see Hall & Oates at the Hummingbird Centre in downtown Toronto on Monday August 28, let me know. The seats are quite good from what I saw on the seating chart, I think we're in like the 11th row. With amazing hits like "Maneater", "She's Gone", "Rich Girl", "Kiss on My List" and so many more, it should be a great show. Again, this is a free ticket, no strings attached. If you want to buy me a beer or something, that would be just swell, but you'd be under no obligation. Now of course I'd love to go with someone who is a fan like myself, but of course anyone who likes a good time out at a live show is more than welcome. Did I mention this ticket is free?

Back with more complaining

So, let's see if we can get something written, shall we? I know, my updates have been sporadic at best, with no excuse really. Other than work, I'm hardly busy and even there I have a computer and ample time with which to think and type. But by and large, I've just not been in a very good state of mind for the last few weeks, so please accept that as my excuse and also accept my humblest apology. Thanks to all for your patience and continued patronage. It might not be up to my past standards, but here's my attempt at a depressing post.

I guess my latest funk goes back to this event and that girl who said she was going to call me back, but never did. Indeed, I've not heard from her since and never will. It isn't that I'm hung up over her specifically or anything like that. I'm just really discouraged over the fact that no matter what kind of attitude I maintain, nothing seems to go my way, ever. Here's someone who I thought was genuinely interested in me, made the first contact and made the suggestion of getting together. Now instead of pessimistic me thinking "Oh, this is too good to be true, it'll all blow up in my face etc." I maintained a positive though realistic attitude towards the situation. "Hey, she'll call me back, we'll get together and hopefully things will go well, but maybe they won't". One can't really hope for any better than that. But as is always the case, no one wants anything to do with me, whether I exude positivity and a reasonable degree of confidence or not. This one girl specifically isn't important. What is, is that this is how things always go, regardless of what I do or how I act. No one wants me, no one wants to be around me. No one calls, no one calls back, no one seems to give me even a passing thought. I'm never given even the slightest chance.

For some reason this reminded me of something way back in high school. I went to an arts school as a drama student. Now every year there was a one-act play festival, first on the school level, then regional, then provincial etc. It was a competitive thing. Our school put on a total of six one-act plays every year, two of which were then chosen to go to the regional level and hopefully one to go even further. The plays are all student directed and there's an audition process in which you audition for all of the six directors at the same time and they each post their own list of callbacks and cast their own individual plays. Hopefully one gets at least a few callbacks and if you're lucky (and good) the directors are forced to more or less 'fight' over you, negotiating for your rights, in a manner of speaking. Now I auditioned in grade 12 (there was also OAC back in those days) and I got all of one callback. At that callback, I was only very briefly given a reading and sent on my way. Needless to say, no one wanted anything to do with me. Imagine my surprise when I was somehow cast in the lead of another play (one I wasn't called back for). I later discovered that during the 'negotiation' process my one drama teacher who always liked me and I guess believed in me, pushed very hard for the director to give me this part, after she had little success negotiating the rights to her first choices. To finish the story, the play was chosen as one of the two to advance to the next round and then chosen as the winner of our region, advancing to the provincial level. Though the play didn't win there, I was given a plaque in recognition of outstanding male performance. Out of the fifteen outstanding plays at the provincial level, I was one of only two male performers to get such an award.

Now I know this is hardly tantamount to winning an Oscar or even a Blockbuster Video Award. But still, I've always been proud of the achievement. I can modestly say that I carried the play as far as it got and all this after no one wanted anything to do with me. Yes, my drama teacher did believe in me, but that's sort of like some girl not wanting to give me the time of day, but her mother knows me and convincing her that I'm a great guy and deserve a chance. I don't know if that equation makes any sense to anyone or if this whole anecdote is at all valid to my point. It just seems that in every facet of my life I'm never really given the chance to prove myself, no matter what I do. I don't know if there's a point to even trying anymore, a point to maintaining some sense of optimism or even a point of being nice to people. If I'm just going to be ignored no matter what, why put any effort into things? I like being nice to people, making them feel as if they're wanted. But if that feeling isn't reciprocated even in the slightest, it gets very hard not to be somewhat bitter.

"Only the lonely...know the way I feel tonight..."

I'm still in rather miserable straights and don't really feel like writing anything of substance just yet, nor would I likely have the strength to do so even if I had the inclination. I have several huge rants that are still stewing inside me, but I'm not ready to let loose just yet. A couple of things however, if I may.

I think I may have had a mild stroke last night, I'm not sure. The whole left side of my body was in pain, this sharp sort of feeling. I was also short of breath and had trouble seeing. Whatever it was, I wasn't doing well at all. I seriously think it may have been a mild stroke. Either that or maybe it had something to do with my diet lately. Yesterday I had Mexican food for dinner and EXTREMELY spicy Pad Thai the night before. So maybe it was just gas. I think I feel better now.

Secondly, I had the strangest dream the other night. I dreamt that I was putting on a one-act play about the life of Roy Orbison (!?). Among the things that I remember about the dream is that the play was only 45 minutes long (it had to be under 50 to qualify for the festival) and though I was the writer and director of the play, I wasn't acting in it. Yet for some reason, I provided the singing voice for Roy. Also there was some trouble getting the play together in time, something to do with problems regarding the props and costumes. I think we went over budget and had to scrimp on the costumes or find them from what the people in the cast had in their existing wardrobes. After the play was over I believe the cast and crew went up to my old cottage for the after party, though this may have been part of another dream. No wonder I sleep something like 16 hours a day. This is way better than my lousy real life.

I know, I know, I know...

I haven't updated this thing in ages, even though I said I was going to. I keep meaning to write a long and meaningful post, get all sorts of things off my chest, etc. Not like I don't have the time. I'm just so tired lately and so miserable. It's seriously a chore to even get up in the morning. I am always exhausted and not able to think straight. Combine that with the fact that I'm usually drunk and it's no wonder I'm not able to post a decent blog entry. I really do have a lot that's been on my mind as of late and I really feel the need to get it out of my system, but now it seems like it's accumulated to the point where I don't even know where to start. I don't know, maybe it's the wave of fatigue that's just swept over me, combined with the large dinner I just had and the several beers. I think I'm going to go take a nap now, it seems like all I ever want to do is sleep. Perhaps when I awake, I'll be able to focus and all the mysteries of the universe will have become clear to me and all my fear and insecurities will have dissipated. Just don't count on it.