Back with more complaining

So, let's see if we can get something written, shall we? I know, my updates have been sporadic at best, with no excuse really. Other than work, I'm hardly busy and even there I have a computer and ample time with which to think and type. But by and large, I've just not been in a very good state of mind for the last few weeks, so please accept that as my excuse and also accept my humblest apology. Thanks to all for your patience and continued patronage. It might not be up to my past standards, but here's my attempt at a depressing post.

I guess my latest funk goes back to this event and that girl who said she was going to call me back, but never did. Indeed, I've not heard from her since and never will. It isn't that I'm hung up over her specifically or anything like that. I'm just really discouraged over the fact that no matter what kind of attitude I maintain, nothing seems to go my way, ever. Here's someone who I thought was genuinely interested in me, made the first contact and made the suggestion of getting together. Now instead of pessimistic me thinking "Oh, this is too good to be true, it'll all blow up in my face etc." I maintained a positive though realistic attitude towards the situation. "Hey, she'll call me back, we'll get together and hopefully things will go well, but maybe they won't". One can't really hope for any better than that. But as is always the case, no one wants anything to do with me, whether I exude positivity and a reasonable degree of confidence or not. This one girl specifically isn't important. What is, is that this is how things always go, regardless of what I do or how I act. No one wants me, no one wants to be around me. No one calls, no one calls back, no one seems to give me even a passing thought. I'm never given even the slightest chance.

For some reason this reminded me of something way back in high school. I went to an arts school as a drama student. Now every year there was a one-act play festival, first on the school level, then regional, then provincial etc. It was a competitive thing. Our school put on a total of six one-act plays every year, two of which were then chosen to go to the regional level and hopefully one to go even further. The plays are all student directed and there's an audition process in which you audition for all of the six directors at the same time and they each post their own list of callbacks and cast their own individual plays. Hopefully one gets at least a few callbacks and if you're lucky (and good) the directors are forced to more or less 'fight' over you, negotiating for your rights, in a manner of speaking. Now I auditioned in grade 12 (there was also OAC back in those days) and I got all of one callback. At that callback, I was only very briefly given a reading and sent on my way. Needless to say, no one wanted anything to do with me. Imagine my surprise when I was somehow cast in the lead of another play (one I wasn't called back for). I later discovered that during the 'negotiation' process my one drama teacher who always liked me and I guess believed in me, pushed very hard for the director to give me this part, after she had little success negotiating the rights to her first choices. To finish the story, the play was chosen as one of the two to advance to the next round and then chosen as the winner of our region, advancing to the provincial level. Though the play didn't win there, I was given a plaque in recognition of outstanding male performance. Out of the fifteen outstanding plays at the provincial level, I was one of only two male performers to get such an award.

Now I know this is hardly tantamount to winning an Oscar or even a Blockbuster Video Award. But still, I've always been proud of the achievement. I can modestly say that I carried the play as far as it got and all this after no one wanted anything to do with me. Yes, my drama teacher did believe in me, but that's sort of like some girl not wanting to give me the time of day, but her mother knows me and convincing her that I'm a great guy and deserve a chance. I don't know if that equation makes any sense to anyone or if this whole anecdote is at all valid to my point. It just seems that in every facet of my life I'm never really given the chance to prove myself, no matter what I do. I don't know if there's a point to even trying anymore, a point to maintaining some sense of optimism or even a point of being nice to people. If I'm just going to be ignored no matter what, why put any effort into things? I like being nice to people, making them feel as if they're wanted. But if that feeling isn't reciprocated even in the slightest, it gets very hard not to be somewhat bitter.