This might be the longest post ever
Laid up at home right now, my neck is in excruciating pain right now. I could get to sleep last night, that may have contributed. It hurts so bloody much, I can't even turn my head. Oh well, not like I'd have had any plans anyway.
So in my last post I made reference to a young lady that I was awaiting a call for. We had some very tentative plans for Wednesday night. Would anyone like to guess what happened? Nevermind, I'll fill you in. Be patient, I might go on a rant here.
Round the end of April, I went out with a friend of mine to this bar. I wrote about it here. So this girl that I met that night (one of my friend's friends) seemed pretty friendly with me. Nothing too overt, but she was nice and chatty, inquiring about talking to me in the future sometime. So we finally connect over the old MSN and get to chatting. We exchange phone numbers. So far, so good. On Monday, I give her a call just to say hi. She's at work so she couldn't really talk, but tells me that she'll give me a call later that night about maybe doing something on Wednesday night. Please note that she is the one who brought up 'hanging out' in the course of this brief conversation. I wait for a call all that night, it doesn't come. I do get a text message in the wee hours. She apologizes for not calling, says she'll call tomorrow and wishes me a good night. No worries, maybe she got busy or something. She doesn't call the next day. Or the next. Needless to say, she never called at all. No matter whether I look at things from a negative perspective or a positive one (which I did here) the end result is always the same: people love to treat me like shit.
Now let me get something straight here. This wasn't one of those "Yeah, maybe I'll call you sometime" things. I'm not an idiot, I know that means "I'll likely never call you". She's the one who suggested the getting together and she's the one who said "I will call you tomorrow". Yet she doesn't call. This is so bloody typical, this is how it always has been and I don't know if it's ever going to change. Quite frankly, I'm getting sick of it. I'm sick of people (almost exclusively women) treating me like a total piece of shit. If I say to someone "I will call you tomorrow", guess what? I'll call them tomorrow. It's that simple.
Now I know sometimes you don't want to talk to someone or whatever. In that case, being as tactful as possible, let them down. Don't give any false hope that you'll actually call. Give the "Yeah, I'll call you sometime" or whatever. If you want to be brutally honest and say that you're not interested, fine. That's hell of a lot better than lying to someone. But don't think that this only applies to relationship-type situations. It doesn't.
You see, there are two situations in which you need to get back to someone. Firstly, if you promise them that you will or secondly, if they're anything of a friend (indeed anyone short of someone you even remotely like) and they ask you to get back to them. If some weirdo you meet through a friend gets a hold of your email address and implores you to get back to him, of course you're not going to respond. But if a friend / acquaintance / family member / co-worker / whatever leaves you a voice message or sends you an email and says "Hey, get back to me", you do so. That is if you have any sense of decency.
Let me give you another example. There's a person that I had sort of lost contact, through no fault of my own. We weren't on speaking terms for a while, but began exchanging friendly emails not too long ago. A little while ago, I sent this person a nice birthday card in fact. They sent me a very brief 'thank you' email, with the apology that it was so short and that they'd write me when they had time. Several weeks pass and nothing. Okay, no worries. I'll send them one. So I write an email, talk about what I've been up to, what's going on in my life etc. Nothing earth shattering. At the end of it, I explicitly state "Well, let me know what's going on with you, how you've been, etc". I wait several weeks and get NO REPLY. So what do I do? I get mad. Normally, I wouldn't have but this person has done something like this to me before. I send an angry email. No need to get into the specifics of it, but it wasn't altogether pleasant. I certainly didn't use any foul language however and I actually was apologetic at the end of the email for being so angry, just stating that I was a bit hurt.
This time I get a response.
The recipient wasn't thrilled by the email, stating that they've been very busy of late and how angry they were at my email. Of course this leads me to feel very bad, I write a lengthy email apologizing for my childishness, begging forgiveness and all that. I legitimately felt bad. I felt as though I had made a mistake and got angry at someone when they didn't deserve it. My response to that was a thanks for 'semi-explaining myself' and letting me know that they still weren't happy with the situation. Haven't heard from this person since and I felt really bad about the whole thing. But not anymore.
You see, I've come to realize something. I was 100% right and they 100% wrong. There really is no excuse for not getting back to me, short of being hospitalized or incarcerated. None. Let me cover all other bases here.
1. "I've been busy". Unless you are the President of the United States, I don't buy this one. And I bet even he gets back to his friends when they call or write. Everyone has been busy at some point, with school or work or any number of concerns. But my God, it takes literally two minutes to call someone or email them, even if it's to say "Hey, I'm really busy with a lot of things right now". Not finding two minutes to call someone back? Not acceptable. I've been busy in the past and I've still found time to always respond to people, even if it's a late response. Better late than never. Which leads me to:
2. "I forgot". Similarly, not an excuse. We all forget things, Lord knows I do. But short of suffering from dementia, this doesn't fly. If I forget to get back to someone, what do I do? I get back to them when I do remember and apologize for forgetting. If your memory is so bad that it totally escapes your mind, maybe you need to get that checked out.
3. "I fell asleep and forgot to call". Happened to me plenty of times. See the previous two. Call when you wake up or the next day.
4. "I've suddenly decided I don't want anything to ever do with you anymore". Well, if you're a friend or acquaintance, I should hope you're a decent enough person to let the other person know that you've come to this realization. If they've asked you to respond, do so. It doesn't have to be a good response, but if you have any manners, you'll respond with something. In the case of the 'I'll call you tomorrow' the same thing applies. Promising you'll call someone and not doing so? Not cool at all. Have some fucking decency and at least be good enough to cancel any plans with a crappy excuse.
5. "I got sick or a family member died or something". I know this sounds harsh, but it is still not any excuse. I've been there. I've fallen ill, I've lost loved ones. If I promised to call someone, I'd let them know what happened. Sure it wouldn't be priority number one, but I wouldn't forget to talk to them. For me, I'm a pretty understanding person. If there's something wrong, please don't hesitate to let me know. I care, I truly do. Again, short of you being in the hospital or jail, there is no reason not to get back to someone.
I know I've rambled on about this for eons, but it's just something that's been bothering me for a long time. I'm having conversations on the stupid MSN and people leave in the middle of it. Maybe I shouldn't take that personally, but I can tell you for a fact that I would never do that. If I don't want to talk to someone, at least I'll make some excuse and say goodbye. Don't just up and leave in the middle of a conversation. I know it's only a stupid chat program, but it's still not very nice. A quick goodbye is all I ask. If you say that you're going to call me on (x) day, then you do so. If you say you have something planned for the weekend and you'll let me know about it, then you do, even if it is to cancel if you've changed your mind about inviting me. If it's a "we might do something this weekend", fine. But don't be definitive unless you're going to call. And if you're even remotely close to me and I ask you to get back to me, please do so. Even if it is to say that you hate me and never want to talk to me again. It won't make me happy, but it's a hell of a lot better than being ignored. I hate being ignored.
So in my last post I made reference to a young lady that I was awaiting a call for. We had some very tentative plans for Wednesday night. Would anyone like to guess what happened? Nevermind, I'll fill you in. Be patient, I might go on a rant here.
Round the end of April, I went out with a friend of mine to this bar. I wrote about it here. So this girl that I met that night (one of my friend's friends) seemed pretty friendly with me. Nothing too overt, but she was nice and chatty, inquiring about talking to me in the future sometime. So we finally connect over the old MSN and get to chatting. We exchange phone numbers. So far, so good. On Monday, I give her a call just to say hi. She's at work so she couldn't really talk, but tells me that she'll give me a call later that night about maybe doing something on Wednesday night. Please note that she is the one who brought up 'hanging out' in the course of this brief conversation. I wait for a call all that night, it doesn't come. I do get a text message in the wee hours. She apologizes for not calling, says she'll call tomorrow and wishes me a good night. No worries, maybe she got busy or something. She doesn't call the next day. Or the next. Needless to say, she never called at all. No matter whether I look at things from a negative perspective or a positive one (which I did here) the end result is always the same: people love to treat me like shit.
Now let me get something straight here. This wasn't one of those "Yeah, maybe I'll call you sometime" things. I'm not an idiot, I know that means "I'll likely never call you". She's the one who suggested the getting together and she's the one who said "I will call you tomorrow". Yet she doesn't call. This is so bloody typical, this is how it always has been and I don't know if it's ever going to change. Quite frankly, I'm getting sick of it. I'm sick of people (almost exclusively women) treating me like a total piece of shit. If I say to someone "I will call you tomorrow", guess what? I'll call them tomorrow. It's that simple.
Now I know sometimes you don't want to talk to someone or whatever. In that case, being as tactful as possible, let them down. Don't give any false hope that you'll actually call. Give the "Yeah, I'll call you sometime" or whatever. If you want to be brutally honest and say that you're not interested, fine. That's hell of a lot better than lying to someone. But don't think that this only applies to relationship-type situations. It doesn't.
You see, there are two situations in which you need to get back to someone. Firstly, if you promise them that you will or secondly, if they're anything of a friend (indeed anyone short of someone you even remotely like) and they ask you to get back to them. If some weirdo you meet through a friend gets a hold of your email address and implores you to get back to him, of course you're not going to respond. But if a friend / acquaintance / family member / co-worker / whatever leaves you a voice message or sends you an email and says "Hey, get back to me", you do so. That is if you have any sense of decency.
Let me give you another example. There's a person that I had sort of lost contact, through no fault of my own. We weren't on speaking terms for a while, but began exchanging friendly emails not too long ago. A little while ago, I sent this person a nice birthday card in fact. They sent me a very brief 'thank you' email, with the apology that it was so short and that they'd write me when they had time. Several weeks pass and nothing. Okay, no worries. I'll send them one. So I write an email, talk about what I've been up to, what's going on in my life etc. Nothing earth shattering. At the end of it, I explicitly state "Well, let me know what's going on with you, how you've been, etc". I wait several weeks and get NO REPLY. So what do I do? I get mad. Normally, I wouldn't have but this person has done something like this to me before. I send an angry email. No need to get into the specifics of it, but it wasn't altogether pleasant. I certainly didn't use any foul language however and I actually was apologetic at the end of the email for being so angry, just stating that I was a bit hurt.
This time I get a response.
The recipient wasn't thrilled by the email, stating that they've been very busy of late and how angry they were at my email. Of course this leads me to feel very bad, I write a lengthy email apologizing for my childishness, begging forgiveness and all that. I legitimately felt bad. I felt as though I had made a mistake and got angry at someone when they didn't deserve it. My response to that was a thanks for 'semi-explaining myself' and letting me know that they still weren't happy with the situation. Haven't heard from this person since and I felt really bad about the whole thing. But not anymore.
You see, I've come to realize something. I was 100% right and they 100% wrong. There really is no excuse for not getting back to me, short of being hospitalized or incarcerated. None. Let me cover all other bases here.
1. "I've been busy". Unless you are the President of the United States, I don't buy this one. And I bet even he gets back to his friends when they call or write. Everyone has been busy at some point, with school or work or any number of concerns. But my God, it takes literally two minutes to call someone or email them, even if it's to say "Hey, I'm really busy with a lot of things right now". Not finding two minutes to call someone back? Not acceptable. I've been busy in the past and I've still found time to always respond to people, even if it's a late response. Better late than never. Which leads me to:
2. "I forgot". Similarly, not an excuse. We all forget things, Lord knows I do. But short of suffering from dementia, this doesn't fly. If I forget to get back to someone, what do I do? I get back to them when I do remember and apologize for forgetting. If your memory is so bad that it totally escapes your mind, maybe you need to get that checked out.
3. "I fell asleep and forgot to call". Happened to me plenty of times. See the previous two. Call when you wake up or the next day.
4. "I've suddenly decided I don't want anything to ever do with you anymore". Well, if you're a friend or acquaintance, I should hope you're a decent enough person to let the other person know that you've come to this realization. If they've asked you to respond, do so. It doesn't have to be a good response, but if you have any manners, you'll respond with something. In the case of the 'I'll call you tomorrow' the same thing applies. Promising you'll call someone and not doing so? Not cool at all. Have some fucking decency and at least be good enough to cancel any plans with a crappy excuse.
5. "I got sick or a family member died or something". I know this sounds harsh, but it is still not any excuse. I've been there. I've fallen ill, I've lost loved ones. If I promised to call someone, I'd let them know what happened. Sure it wouldn't be priority number one, but I wouldn't forget to talk to them. For me, I'm a pretty understanding person. If there's something wrong, please don't hesitate to let me know. I care, I truly do. Again, short of you being in the hospital or jail, there is no reason not to get back to someone.
I know I've rambled on about this for eons, but it's just something that's been bothering me for a long time. I'm having conversations on the stupid MSN and people leave in the middle of it. Maybe I shouldn't take that personally, but I can tell you for a fact that I would never do that. If I don't want to talk to someone, at least I'll make some excuse and say goodbye. Don't just up and leave in the middle of a conversation. I know it's only a stupid chat program, but it's still not very nice. A quick goodbye is all I ask. If you say that you're going to call me on (x) day, then you do so. If you say you have something planned for the weekend and you'll let me know about it, then you do, even if it is to cancel if you've changed your mind about inviting me. If it's a "we might do something this weekend", fine. But don't be definitive unless you're going to call. And if you're even remotely close to me and I ask you to get back to me, please do so. Even if it is to say that you hate me and never want to talk to me again. It won't make me happy, but it's a hell of a lot better than being ignored. I hate being ignored.
posted by King Hippo at 11:34 PM
16 Comments:
less typing more punching
I like the way you think, sir and wish to subscribe to your news-letter.
My cousin/ex-best friend never called me after I sent her 3 emails to tell her that my boyfriend (well....now fiance!) almost died in an accident. Her excuse was that she was busy with exams, and she "didn't think the injury was that serious". That was over a year ago and I still haven't forgiven her. She was suppose to be my best friend.....and my cousin! Give me a break, it's not hard to phone someone or at least return their 3 emails! I'm still so bitter......
Wow, that is really shitty, Squirrely. Far worse than anything that's ever happened to me. I'm not surprised that you still feel bitter and haven't forgiven your cousin. I don't blam you one bit, actually. What she did was completely unforgivable. I think you're better off without having people who obviously don't care about you in your life.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's what I believe. You don't deserve to be treated like that, that's for damned sure.
That's what I've been saying!! I'm so glad someone finally agrees with me! Everyone keeps saying how it wasn't a big deal and that I should get over it and become friends with her again....but I don't want to! You're right, that is something that's unforgivable! I have to see her this Friday for a family function and I'm not looking forward to it. It's always awkward.
Oh Comon,
I understand Squirrely that your situation is brutal, but still, sometimes its nice to be thie bigger person.
Holding grudges could possibly deny you of happiness. And as for things being unforgiveable, if married couples can work through infidelity, then nothing is unforgiveable, short of murder, or like sexual assault.
(heart) Dosi
I guess if I maybe explained the whole situation. This girl has treated me like crap since we were kids. Constently putting me down and making it very clear that she thought she was better than me in every way. Looks, family, grades, personality, you name it. After the incident of her not calling me, I had had enough. I decided not to put up with her crap anymore and pretty much cut her out of my life. Now I only talk to her about twice a year at family functions. I've been looking for a reason all these years to give her a peice of my mind, and this "phone call incident" was just the nudge I needed.
But in all honesty, I don't usually hold a grudge this badly. It's just that the situation has developed into that. I do my "be the bigger person" duty and call her on her birthday every year. That's good enough for me.
....and for the record, I don't feel I'm being denied any happiness in this situation considering I'm 10x happier now.
Indeed, I think you're totally the better person here and you're better off without having this person in your life. I don't think it's so much an issue of holding a grudge; rather it's an issue of saying enough is enough.
In regards to Dosi's point, to clarify my issue of 'unforgivable', what I mean to say is that it's not something that I would just let go or forget about. Now if these people who treated me like shit or Squirrely's cousin offered up sincere and heartfelt apologies for their actions (or lack thereof), fine. I'm a forgiving person. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone can be a jerk at times. Lord knows I can. But from what it sounds like, it doesn't seem like Squirrely's cousin thinks she did anything wrong, when in fact her actions were borderline reprehensible. She is being the bigger person with a birthday call every year. I think that shows what a classy person Squirrely is.
As for me, if this girl were to call me or email me back and apologize profusely, saying she was nervous or something terrible came up or she got incredibly busy, fine. Apology would be accepted. Whether or not I'd still consider doing anything with her would probably depend on my level of loneliness at that time.
As for this other person who is 'too busy' to return my email. I offered up my own apology for blowing up a little instead of being more tactful, but it seems that my sorry wasn't good enough. It may have been rude of me to respond in the way I did, but the reason for my anger was certainly justified in my mind. I wish I could retract my apology in fact, but I don't suppose there's any point now. Like Squirrely's cousin, this is someone who has repeatedly treated me like crap and can seriously go straight to hell.
You go King Hippo! By the way, this is how her "apology" went once she finally did get the nerve to call me "Hey, sorry I haven't called, so how's Scooter doing?" The only reason she called was because my Grandma called her and said "you know your cousin is pissed because you haven't called her right?" My grandma is awesome, those are actually the exact words she used! Funny old lady....
Well, in that case, perhaps your feelings are meritted, your cousin seems a bit much. I don't even understand how you were "best-friends" if she was always putting you down to make herself feel better. But I digress.
As for the response thing, I kind of agree. No one likes to be left "hanging", especially because it makes you feel like you may care more than they do, which is not tight.
What is tight however, is Labbatt 50. The beer o' choice up here in the cold cold north.
oh yeah
(heart) Dosi
She did bully me alot, But it wasn't always bad. We had a lot of good times too. I was a push over when I was younger, that's why she bossed me around so much and got away with it. Meh, life is good now that she's around so much. Although I do have to see her tonight at my sister's Stag and Doe and I'm not looking forward to it :-(
Wow, that's a long thread of replies.
Tramperly, as a friend who knew you through the whole Scooter accident/Cousin being a b*tch thing, I think you're totally in the right.
And your grandma is super awesome :) Sooooo funny that I met her before I knew you - in odd circumstances. Oh, memories...
And King Hippo, I think you're right, for the record.
Truly the post that keeps on giving.
I know it's a little late to be commenting on this post but I recently had the exact same experience with a guy and I shit you not, he gave me every single excuse that you listed. Maybe we should introduce him and this girl and then they can not call each other.
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