Wow, I hate you Dr. Neil Clark Warren

I really will try and post more often here. I'm sorry guys. I've been in sort of a lousy mood lately (what else is new?) and have been really tired all the time. But I'll try. Lots I want to talk about and I will try my damnedest to do so.

Anyways, just one more nail in the coffin that I thought I would share with all of you tonight.

eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.

Ouch.

On the record, I'm telling people it was the sushi

My head is really killing me. I've had quite the headache off and on for the last couple of days. No excuse for the lack of blog updates. Perhaps I just don't care anymore is the best excuse. Anyways I don't think I do. One update every week or two is sort of useless. I've said it before but maybe this is time to pull the plug. Something to consider anyways.

Can't say that anyone is surprised by Michael Vick's plea deal. Well, perhaps the NAACP who is apparently still convinced that this is some sort of conspiracy against him. What the hell is wrong with these people? There is no insidious plot against Michael Vick, racist or otherwise. Nor is he some sort of victim here, a 'good person who made some bad decisions'. Michael Vick is a terrible human being who deserves harsh prison time and I hope that the NFL decides against ever working with this asshole again.

Love Fred Thompson. I have a feeling this guy would make a great president.

Do not love Van Halen anymore, as you can guess from the title of the last post. Diamond Dave seems to be in great form (off-stage anyways) but I have no desire whatsoever to see fat little Eddie Jr. up there on stage. Yeah when I went to see The Police, Sting's kid was the opening act (whom we missed). That I can accept. But if he were to have included him as some fourth member of the band (or as Andy Summers' replacement!) I'd have walked. Eddie Van Halen is a total douche.

That's about all that I currently have an opinion on. I was very sick yesterday. When I wasn't in bed, I was throwing up. Thankfully I had the day off. I'm not sure if it was the sushi (the place looked a little dingy, so perhaps) or the booze or the codeine water. Likely a combination of all three. I still don't feel well, as I've already indicated.

Things aren't so great. My situation at home (something I never really elaborate upon) is not good. Long story short, my mother and father do not get along. At all. They hate each other. I mean strongly. This has been the case for a long time. And yet they still live under the same roof. Despite repeated assurances from both sides I don't see anything changing anytime soon. Other than my dog, I am very sick of every person I live with. 26 years is a long time to live with the same people, especially if two of those people have a mortal hatred for each other. At any rate it's very depressing. My sister couldn't take it and did leave for a bit while doing her masters, but had to move back after her funds ran out. I just really pray that I can find some sort of decent work when I'm done school in April and get the hell out...if I last that long. Eight months seem a very long time and I don't know if I can make it.

I've also sort of come to the realization that this is, in effect, the last summer of my life. Next time this year I will either be gainfully employed or dead. So this is my last 'summer off'. I have truly wasted it. This is easily the worst summer of my life.

Still haven't purchased a vehicle. The Volvo is hanging on by a thread and frightens me every time I drive the thing. Still to purchase something that I'm going to throw away most of my money on scares me as well. Perhaps I should lower my expectations and go with something really cheap (again) and hope to hell it lasts me another year. I was considering going without a car for a while, saving not only the initial expense but also on my crippling insurance payments. For a few brief moments I considered forgetting about the car (keeping the Volvo uninsured and for emergency purposes) and moving out. But that won't happen. I'd need to buy a computer. Spend more on food. Small appliances, some furniture. And if I run out of money between now and the end of school, I'd be fucked. At least with the car that won't happen. The worst that could happen is I stop paying insurance and park the thing. So car it will have to be over place. Is having both this time next year a pipe dream? God I hope not.

Eddie Van Halen's son is FAT. Should probably join his mom at Jenny Craig.

Sorry that I haven't updated this thing in quite the while. It's possible that I just don't care anymore. Not like I have better things to do. Let me see if I can try to encapsulate a typical day.
What time I wake up depends upon a number of factors. If I have to work (i.e. at 7:00 or 9:00) then I will typically wake up about an hour before said time. Not enough to eat breakfast, I will usually do that (have a bagel) at my first break. I will finish my shift, I will return home with after praying that my brakes don't fail on the highway (still haven't gotten a new car). I will likely have dinner sometime after my return. I might also take a nap. For the rest of the night I will do a combination of several things. I will mindlessly surf the internet. Not really even doing anything in particular. Research cars. Read the news and other sites I like to check out. I don't really use MSN anymore. When I do decide to log in, no one really talks to me much so it's not even worth it.

I will also watch television. Whatever is on really. Re-runs of South Park and Seinfeld. Stuff like that. Shows I've seen every episode of a dozen times over. If baseball is on, I'll watch that. Unless the Jays are losing too badly. I have yet to go to a game this season, despite the fact that I'm a big fan. I don't see myself getting out to one. Who would I go with? So I just sit at home and watch it by myself.

Sometimes I'll play video games. Alls I have is an outdated Nintendo GameCube. Nothing fancy. I didn't even really touch that for the longest time until recently. I'm not much of a video gamer, seeing as I pretty much suck at every game I attempt. I do sort of enjoy it. At least it kills time...which is I guess why I recently started playing again. I'm very bored. Picked up Resident Evil 4. Read excellent reviews so I decided to give it a whirl. It's pretty fun. I wish I had an X-Box 360 or maybe a Wii. But I really can't justify the expense for something that I realistically won't use that much. Perhaps when the prices come down a bit more.

This is about it. This is my life. Every single day, pretty much without fail. Grabbing a snack will be a highlight. If I'm not working or working a late shift (like at the cigar store) I might lie out in the sun for a bit. I'm not sure why I should care about being tanned. Pasty or with some colour, I'm not impressing anyone. If the grass needs to be mowed, I will do that. Take the trash out once a week. Run the occasional errand to the grocery store. Do laundry when I need to. Enjoying a cool glass of water from my nice water cooler. And I drink. Not if I have to work early the next day. But if I'm off or work late, absolutely. It takes my mind off the fact that what is written above is what makes up my life. I drink the codeine water. It helps too. It might be wrecking my liver but I don't really care so much. Still pining away for that brief, beautiful period when the white stuff was in my possession and wishing that I could get my hands on some more. It made things even better than the booze or codeine water did.

I'm actually composing this post while sitting at work (cigar store). One of the few things that is able to get me out of the house. One of the few things I actually have to do. I'm not sure just which job I loathe more. This one is rather depressing. It's lonely here and time passes rather slowly. Gives me lots of time to do things like contemplate on my crappy life and write stuff like this. I was actually enjoying a nice meal and sort of relaxing when my evil boss Sanjay walked in. Nice. So my one happy, peaceful time of the day was ruined. And cute girls always walk by. But at the other place we have them there constantly. They work there. It stinks. Otherwise time does pass more quickly and I make more money, but I actually do have to work. So it's probably a wash.

This really has been the worst summer of my life and that's saying a lot. Less than a month before I return to school, not really in much of a better financial position. Well sort of. My debts will have been wiped clean (save school) and I'll at least (hopefully) have a (sort of) new car to show for it. And they will be waiting for me. All the very beautiful U of T girls that want nothing to do with me.

And no one prefers me

So I'm standing about at work today (cigar store) just minding my own business (checking out some new arrivals) when some dude comes in the store. He looks around for a minute and then proceeds to ask me something.

"This may be odd question" he begins, "but is that girl who was here before still around?"

I tell him 'no' that she (Hot Russian Girl) had gone home for the day.

"Oh" says he. "Do you know if she's in tomorrow?"

"Um, I believe she is. Are you a friend of hers, did you want me to leave a message for her?" I ask.

He responds that no he is not and had in fact just 'met her' (to what degree I'm not certain) and I think he may have said something about wanting to ask her out. I'm not wholly sure on that last point, he was mumbling a bit and my hearing isn't the best. Anyways I said that she lives with someone, something which was true until they recently broke up. The fellow apologized (he thought it was me and I said that I wasn't so lucky) and left.

Now why am I even mentioning all of this? Maybe I just find it interesting on a number of levels. The fact that I lied about her living with someone. I could have not said anything, but rather there was something of an attempt on my part to shoot this guy down before he even got a chance to draw. Was I protecting her in some bizarre way? Probably not...I'm too self-serving for that. In whatever perverse way I was protecting whatever self-interests I have. Not like I have any. I once did actually ask her out what seems like eons ago and was turned down. I don't think I would ever do it again. What would be the point, after all? I would just be rejected again. But if I were this fellow who came in today, I'd probably not be deterred. And it's quite possible that he isn't. He might well come in and still attempt to ask her out. Who knows? I guess it doesn't really matter to me, nor is it any of my business. She'll probably say 'no' anyways. I didn't think the guy was anything special. But then again I used to think that I was and it turns out my perceptions are very far off from the truth.

I recently signed on to my Lavalife account, as I do periodically. I used to actually do stuff with it but I no longer do. I think I just do it now to kill a few minutes here and there and possibly to do their stupid little surveys every week. The results of one of this week's I actually found rather disheartening. The question posed was "I'm a sucker for" the following type of people based on hair colour. The answers are broken into blonde, brunette and redhead and then divided by what men and women answered. The breakdown is as follows:

Men say:

Blondes: 34%
Brunettes: 37%
Redheads: 29%

Women say:

Blondes: 23%
Brunettes: 68%
Redheads: 9%

As you can see, what men say is pretty even, though as you can clearly see, women do NOT prefer blondes. I always used to be fairly proud of my nice blonde hair, but I guess I really shouldn't be. I guess it could be worse, I could be a redheaded male. But this is still a blow against me and I don't need anymore. I really don't. Now why should this matter? Well, it does. Just like the Hot or Not rating that I used to always obsess over. I guess it still troubles me, but I sort of stopped bothering with it. Even with my best picture (the one in the top right of your screen) the best I can score is a 7.5 rating. This is my best. Realistically I'm in the 6.5 to 6.8 range. I guess it just bugs me because I always used to think I was decent looking. But it really doesn't matter what I think, now does it? I'm not looking to attract myself. The reason the Hot or Not rating matters so much is because it's honest, unbiased feedback from strangers. Now of course there are many people who click '1' for pretty much every picture. The system accounts and adjusts for this. I'm just not good looking. And convincing myself otherwise is just plain sad. It's what delusional people do. Telling yourself that you look great when nothing could be farther from the truth is pretty disturbing. Why should I do that?

But I'm still deficient. I do realize that as well. Normal people are able to lead normal lives. To have relationships. I have nothing and never really have. Pathetic memories of girls I went out with three or four times, girls who rejected me, made me feel even more worthless than I did before. Many of them I only went out with because I had to settle and couldn't do any better. And yet these memories are all I have. Sad and depressing memories.

I guess many of you have probably read this survey. I guess in a way it explains why I'm not getting any. The number one answer seems to be what's killing me. Not only am I not attractive, I have the sex appeal of a toad. Even those brief periods of time when I actually do feel attractive are quite fleeting. Something like this stupid survey will always put me right back down again. Whatever sex I did have was barely enjoyable and that's probably the best I can ever hope for. Not like I'll ever have it again. Pathetic and depressing memories. Normal, healthy people my age have sex. They date, they have good dates and bad. They have one-night stands and they have relationships, some which last and others which don't. I have none of this. I have nothing. I have only another bottle of beer to look forward to.

I really had to push myself to even get this blog entry done. It's very sad that I haven't even the energy to do something so simple any longer. Every little thing is becoming a chore for me. Soon I'm sure that will come to include getting dressed in the morning and fixing something to eat. I've said it before and will say it now again. I really do wish I was dead. I don't think it's even a question of if I finish myself off but when. One of these days it will come to that.