And no one prefers me

So I'm standing about at work today (cigar store) just minding my own business (checking out some new arrivals) when some dude comes in the store. He looks around for a minute and then proceeds to ask me something.

"This may be odd question" he begins, "but is that girl who was here before still around?"

I tell him 'no' that she (Hot Russian Girl) had gone home for the day.

"Oh" says he. "Do you know if she's in tomorrow?"

"Um, I believe she is. Are you a friend of hers, did you want me to leave a message for her?" I ask.

He responds that no he is not and had in fact just 'met her' (to what degree I'm not certain) and I think he may have said something about wanting to ask her out. I'm not wholly sure on that last point, he was mumbling a bit and my hearing isn't the best. Anyways I said that she lives with someone, something which was true until they recently broke up. The fellow apologized (he thought it was me and I said that I wasn't so lucky) and left.

Now why am I even mentioning all of this? Maybe I just find it interesting on a number of levels. The fact that I lied about her living with someone. I could have not said anything, but rather there was something of an attempt on my part to shoot this guy down before he even got a chance to draw. Was I protecting her in some bizarre way? Probably not...I'm too self-serving for that. In whatever perverse way I was protecting whatever self-interests I have. Not like I have any. I once did actually ask her out what seems like eons ago and was turned down. I don't think I would ever do it again. What would be the point, after all? I would just be rejected again. But if I were this fellow who came in today, I'd probably not be deterred. And it's quite possible that he isn't. He might well come in and still attempt to ask her out. Who knows? I guess it doesn't really matter to me, nor is it any of my business. She'll probably say 'no' anyways. I didn't think the guy was anything special. But then again I used to think that I was and it turns out my perceptions are very far off from the truth.

I recently signed on to my Lavalife account, as I do periodically. I used to actually do stuff with it but I no longer do. I think I just do it now to kill a few minutes here and there and possibly to do their stupid little surveys every week. The results of one of this week's I actually found rather disheartening. The question posed was "I'm a sucker for" the following type of people based on hair colour. The answers are broken into blonde, brunette and redhead and then divided by what men and women answered. The breakdown is as follows:

Men say:

Blondes: 34%
Brunettes: 37%
Redheads: 29%

Women say:

Blondes: 23%
Brunettes: 68%
Redheads: 9%

As you can see, what men say is pretty even, though as you can clearly see, women do NOT prefer blondes. I always used to be fairly proud of my nice blonde hair, but I guess I really shouldn't be. I guess it could be worse, I could be a redheaded male. But this is still a blow against me and I don't need anymore. I really don't. Now why should this matter? Well, it does. Just like the Hot or Not rating that I used to always obsess over. I guess it still troubles me, but I sort of stopped bothering with it. Even with my best picture (the one in the top right of your screen) the best I can score is a 7.5 rating. This is my best. Realistically I'm in the 6.5 to 6.8 range. I guess it just bugs me because I always used to think I was decent looking. But it really doesn't matter what I think, now does it? I'm not looking to attract myself. The reason the Hot or Not rating matters so much is because it's honest, unbiased feedback from strangers. Now of course there are many people who click '1' for pretty much every picture. The system accounts and adjusts for this. I'm just not good looking. And convincing myself otherwise is just plain sad. It's what delusional people do. Telling yourself that you look great when nothing could be farther from the truth is pretty disturbing. Why should I do that?

But I'm still deficient. I do realize that as well. Normal people are able to lead normal lives. To have relationships. I have nothing and never really have. Pathetic memories of girls I went out with three or four times, girls who rejected me, made me feel even more worthless than I did before. Many of them I only went out with because I had to settle and couldn't do any better. And yet these memories are all I have. Sad and depressing memories.

I guess many of you have probably read this survey. I guess in a way it explains why I'm not getting any. The number one answer seems to be what's killing me. Not only am I not attractive, I have the sex appeal of a toad. Even those brief periods of time when I actually do feel attractive are quite fleeting. Something like this stupid survey will always put me right back down again. Whatever sex I did have was barely enjoyable and that's probably the best I can ever hope for. Not like I'll ever have it again. Pathetic and depressing memories. Normal, healthy people my age have sex. They date, they have good dates and bad. They have one-night stands and they have relationships, some which last and others which don't. I have none of this. I have nothing. I have only another bottle of beer to look forward to.

I really had to push myself to even get this blog entry done. It's very sad that I haven't even the energy to do something so simple any longer. Every little thing is becoming a chore for me. Soon I'm sure that will come to include getting dressed in the morning and fixing something to eat. I've said it before and will say it now again. I really do wish I was dead. I don't think it's even a question of if I finish myself off but when. One of these days it will come to that.