Friday, July 29, 2005

Nobody puts one over on Fred C. Dobbs!

I didn't get to bed until 4:00 AM the other night. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre was on and even though I've seen it many times and own it on DVD, I just had to watch. It really is one of the best films ever made and far better than anything you'll see in the theatres any time soon. Bogart gives what I think is his best performance and Walter Huston would win the all-time award for best supporting actor if they had one. It's too bad that so many people will never take the time to watch it because it's in black and white; they'd rather go see Fantastic Four or The Island.

After the movie was over, I took Bobo out for a little walk (yes, at 3:30 AM) and I realized just how much I love that little doggie. Bobo is always there for me and I can tell him anything. I know that he'll never let me down, never hurt me in any way and the same is true in reverse. He’s probably my best friend, the only person I can completely trust. Whenever I feel low, the sight of his beautiful little face cheers me up right away. I love him totally without condition (as if there is such a thing as conditional love) and I always will. If everyone were half as nice to me as Bobo is, I think I’d be a pretty happy person.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

No one misses me?

Fuck this. I actually have three half finished posts sitting above me. I've written all of them at work. I have little else to do, but they all seem to really go nowhere. The first one was about various rejections I've received in the last little while and the fact that even when I have been confident in the various situations, I'm met with rejection. The second was on pretty much the same topic, touching on how I haven't always been so mopey and self-deprecating, yet still had almost zero luck with the ladies (this one went back to high school in fact). The third is about the fact I have few friends, more specifically no circle of friends, something I'd love to have, but don't know how to get. I think it may be too late. None of them seemed to go anywhere and they all made me rather depressed. So I ditched them. I'll move on to three points.

1. I changed my hair style. I'm not sure if it's any good. Personally, I think I'm ugly no matter what I do. I still like the old style myself. I'm ugly, but at least I stood out. Now, I'm just another schmuck. Anyway, the old style is on the right, the new on the left. Let's see what people think. So far feedback has been split pretty much down the middle.

2. I've decided to post some of my lousy (but at least I know it's lousy!) poetry online. I think I may be the world's worst poet. Yet another thing I fail at. Hopefully it's so bad, that at least it's amusing on some ironic level. I'll do it on a real poetry site if I can find one when I'm not so lazy.

3. I just realized that I still have an extra ticket to the last of U2's four sold out shows at the ACC. At the time I bought the tickets, I was optimistic that I'd have some sort of lady friend to go with. I promised my friend Marty-boy one of the tickets, with the tacit understanding that we would each take a date. Well, he has a girlfriend, I of course do not. I'm really hoping to find someone nice to take to this. I've seen them live the last two times they were here and I would never dare miss them. Probably the hottest show of the year (four sold out shows!) and I don't think I'll be able to find anyone to go with me. How sad. I guess I can just go with M-b and sell the other two tickets on eBay and make a tidy profit. We'll see.

On a final note, I don't know why now especially, but I feel so very alone. I wish there was someone out there who was thinking about me or missing me or wanting to talk to me. People think of other people. But it just struck me, that I don't think there's anyone who thinks of me when they lie in bed or ride the bus or take their dog out or whatever. I know that I think of people. I just don't think that there's anyone who thinks of me. It makes me really sad.

Monday, July 25, 2005

The Russian Girl

I actually had another post ready to go (pre-written while at work; I have very little to do there), but something came up. I'm sure it's let another one of those situations of which I'm reading FAR too much into, but I might as well go on about it while it's fresh in my mind.

My job at the cigar store is very dull. Only a handful of people come in all day and for the most part I just read the newspaper, play solitaire or stare at the walls. Today, Hot Russian Girl (actually she's Ukrainian) came in, which is always a nice thing. She was an acquaintance of one of my former co-workers and she still comes in to buy cigarettes (I give her a discount) and to shoot the shit. Through out the years, she's come in and at first it was just to buy cigarettes, then we'd start chatting a little, then the conversations got longer. We once spent 20 minutes talking about the state of Heavyweight boxing, no joke. We'll talk about school, family, work, whatever. She'll usually be in for at least a good 10-15 minutes, sometimes more. Really just prolonged chit-chat. Maybe she's just too polite to excuse her self sooner or she feels sorry for me in my bored state. I really don't know. The last couple of times the conversation shifted to relationships, friends, meeting people stuff like that. Pretty much all the joyful topics I tend to cover here. I'd tell her how I'm not very confident when it comes to meeting people, am rather shy etc. In short, all the things I talk about here, just without the morose bent. I was being honest without being too much of a downer. She would talk about the same things, how she herself has a lot of trouble approaching guys, how she has trouble speaking in public (which I don't), difficulty in meeting new people, that sort of thing. Good substantive conversation really. Today we probably chatted for about 25 minutes.

The last time she came in (maybe a month ago) after all this same sort of talk, I actually did gather up the courage to ask her if she perhaps wanted to sometime grab a coffee or something like that. I was turned down (natch). She said that she was not in relationship mode and was just enjoying spending time with the girls, that sort of thing. I made it clear that I understood that and said something like 'hey, it's coffee' or whatever. It was still a 'no'. Fine. So towards the end of the conversation, after she had picked up her cigarettes, she asked when I was in next. I said tomorrow. She said she'd try and stop by (she does not work in or around the mall). I take this as a good sign. She likes talking to me. She seems to like me (in some regard anyway). So what do I do if she does come in tomorrow or whenever the next time she does come in? Should I try asking her out again in some capacity? I have no clue. I mean here's the rub. This girl is very attractive. I mean she's a 10. Flat out. Way too good for me in every respect (though she did compliment my new hair style). So I have no idea what to think here. Chances are I'm just getting my hopes up, like I always do. I'm stupid to do so really. I'm sure she goes out with good-looking guys who drive nice cars and don't live with parents. Who am I fooling? Should I even bother asking her out again? She said no once already, why should I even bother? I really have to stop getting my hopes up like this. It only leads to disappointment.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Patchwork blog

These are all a bunch of random thoughts that came into my head the other day as I was lying in bed. I actually scribbled them down in point form and I present them to you here, in blog form:

1. This is an old idea, but one I've never actually posted before. One of the reasons that girls don't like me is surely the fact that their mothers do (or inevitably will). I mean, really, would you go out with some guy that your mom thinks if fabulous? Likely not. I know this, because all of my mother's friends think I'm great. "Oh, he's just the nicest young man", "He's so polite and articulate", "Why can't my Tommy be more like him" etc. Then there's the "Oh, I have a daughter his age, you know!". Trust me, your daughter will not be interested if you are.

2. I truly do hate MSN (addicted though I may be) and all the time it takes away from what might be a rich, full life otherwise. The thing I despise most about it, is the general level of illiteracy I have to put up with whilst conversing on it. "your rite, its two hot too do nething 2day" is not a sentence. I hate this post-literate society which we seem to have entered.

3. I never really discuss politics on this blog and that's probably a good thing. It's one of my problems in 'real life' and at least I've kept it under control here. Far too many time I bring up my admiration for George W. Bush or my opposition to gay marriage, two seconds after meeting someone. Not that I'm at all ashamed of my conservative beliefs, it's probably just better to not follow up "Hi, nice to meet you" with "Man, they really should bring back the death penalty".

4. I hate sleeping alone every night. It reminds me of a great line in one of my favourite movies, Groundhog Day (a modern classic).

Q- "Did you sleep well Mr. Connors?"

A- "I slept alone Mrs. Lancaster"

Yes, I'd like to be having sex on a regular basis, but I think even more than that, I'd like to have someone to lie next to, someone to make me feel safe and warm. Yes, that's saccharine and I don't care. It's the truth. Live with it.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005 the blogosphere

For such a self-professed loser, I really do seem to have a hell of a lot of people posting comments on my lousy blog. I really should take the time to thank all the people who read and post (even if it is to make your lives seem good in comparison :P) So again, thanks for reading and thanks for all the (mostly) good advice. I don't know why I can't seem to follow it.

There's a line in my favourite song Hey Jude that goes: "The movement you need is on your shoulders". For those of you who aren't good in dealing with imagery and metaphors and all that, it means that everything you need to get yourself going is sitting atop your shoulders (well, okay that was pretty self-evident). It's all up there. Cogito Ergo Sum I guess. I just like Paul McCartney's take on it, it seems catchier. At any rate, I really should adopt Macca's line there as my motto. I can get shit rolling, I can make my life better if I put my mind to it. Things are going to be okay. I do say all these things to myself all the time, but I just can't seem to believe any of them. I mean, I could for other people, but not for me.


Why don't I deserve a little happiness, here and there? I'm the only one who can make it happen I suppose. But I'm really just too weak. I wish I had the strength.

Hey, I made it through an entire blog post without mentioning how much I need to have sex! I just realized that. Good for me. For the record, if I don't have sex soon, I am going to explode or at least hire a prostitute. How sad. The only way I can get someone to sleep with me is to pay them. Ouch.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Suicide it is!

Not that this should come as anything of a surprise, but according to this I'm going to die as a result of suicide. Well, I could have told you that without some fancy internet survey. It really is a question of when, not if (and yes, I am being serious). Some days are better than others of course. Most times even when I feel like shit, I still would be too much of a coward to do anything, but it will happen one of these days. I'm okay right now, but sooner or later, it will happen. I know, people will saying I'm being stupid, that it's not funny etc. That isn't the case, I assure you. This is something I've accepted. I mean, I will kill myself. Often I want to, but just can't. One day I probably will. That's just how it is.

Also, another gripe that I have, is various people (and it's more than one) have told me in one way or another that I, for lack of a better description, like being depressed. I like the attention, it's my 'thing' or whatever. Like it's something I have control over. Like I can just turn it off, like a switch. People have NO IDEA how much I hurt. How much I hate myself. How when I look in the mirror, just how sick it makes me. I do value all the advice I receive from various people and I'm 90% is quite valid. It's not that I don't hear, it just that I can't do. I JUST CAN'T. People don't seem to understand this. Whenever I start to tell myself things like "Yes, it will get better tomorrow" or "Think positive" or "Go out there and who cares what other people have to say", I just end up feeling a lot worse.

I mean, I GENUINELY hate myself.

I AM a loser.

I AM unattractive.

Everyone will reject me.


I know people tell me otherwise. I just can't believe it. Look, I hate myself. I want to die, okay. Yes, I know there are people who have things much worse than I do. I just don't have the strength to carry on I suppose. Again, it won't be today or tomorrow most likely. But there will come a point that my sadness is just so overwhelming, I just want out. And it doesn't seem like anything can change that.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

I want to be an *sshole

I don't really feel like posting, but it's been a while, so I might as well write something. I'm still pretty miserable. I still hate myself, every single fiber of my being in fact. This has to be part of my problem. I mean, I truly hate everything about myself. I hate the fact that I'm a gutless coward. I hate the way I look. I hate the fact that I'm always feeling sorry for myself. I really just hate me. The only solution that I can think of is to become someone else.

One of my biggest problems is that I 'care' too much. I fixate, I'm terrified of rejection, I spend so much time worrying about what other people think of me. I really should just become an *sshole and stop caring all together. Women like that, no matter what they say. They don't seem to want the nice, polite, sensitive guys. They like the *sshole, who just doesn't give a damn and maybe een treats them like shit from time to time. I mean nice guys do finish last, yes? So I should give it a try huh? I mean, would it work? I seem to doubt that it would for me. In order to be an *sshole, you also have to be confident about yourself. You have to know and truly believe that this girl isn't going to do any better than you anytime soon. And I know that's simply not true, not by a long shot. You can throw a stone into a crowd and hit someone who's better than me. It's a stone cold fact. I have NOTHING to offer. I can't be an *sshole, because I just can't back it up. Also, I'd feel bad, I know I would. I feel like a misogynist *sshole just writing this, which I'm not. So I guess I'm just going to stick to being a nice, polite, shy guy and see how that continues to work. I have a feeling it won't. In the end it doesn't come down to my being an *sshole or not. Despite what my attitude and outlook are, I'm the problem. They just don't like ME and it doesn't seem like they ever will.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Nearing the end of my rope.

Well, it happened again. I was having an okay day. We hired that cute girl who used to work at Starbucks. I start training her tomorrow. Other than that, nothing bad happened. I was feeling okay. Until....

Someone talked about sex again. I was doing fine and then....crash. Like a ton of bricks. A girl over MSN was talking about how she broke up with her long time boyfriend recently and how she was sad about it, understandably so. Then she goes into the problem she has. How she was out with some friends and some dude and after some drinking they 'sort of hooked up' and how she just wanted to experience 'some single fun'. So the same old bullsh*t starts going through my head. No one wants to 'hook up' with me. No wants to have 'single fun' with me. It's that simple. I am completely unf*ckable. Now I know I just wrote about this the other day. But it consumes me completely. Other people have sex. They have sex with their boyfriend or girlfriend or people they just met or someone. Whatever. The bottom line is, they're having sex. I am not. End of story.

Yes I want to be in a relationship. And then have that relationship end and for me to pick myself up and find someone else. And for that one to end and so on, so forth. And in between have sex with random girls I meet at bars or parties or wherever. Like normal people do. Why can't I do this? Because I have a lousy attitude, I'm always down on myself and I have no confidence. So at least I know what the problems are. But I just can't fix them. I want to and I just can't get it together. This is why people hate me. I'm a whiney, self-absorbed jerk. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. And it just keeps getting harder every day.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

I hope that picture isn't copywrited

So, you good people may be wondering why I'm posting an image of some random, smoking hot girl on my blog. Do I know her at all? Nope. Take a good hard look. Done? Good. Here's why: I will never have a snowball's chance in hell with anyone who looks like that. EVER. Is this just my lack of confidence/pessimism talking? No sir. This is a cold hard fact of life. Again, I don't know her and never will, but someone who looks like her, will never want a damned thing to do with someone who looks like me.

It's dawned on me that I am simply not that attractive. I got this picture from the good old Hot or Not? website (see link to the side), where I post my lousy picture and have a profile up in hopes of meeting people. It doesn't seem to work very well. I think I'm really being too picky. I seem to only click on the girls that I find both attractive (is that so wrong?) and interesting. Very rarely do they seem to click back. I think my profile is well written and the picture is by far the best I have. Yet still I don't get many replies and my score is an 8.1, which may seem okay, but this is for my very best picture EVER. In reality, I'm maybe a 6.5, 7 at the best. I know all this stuff sounds dreadfully shallow and all, but anyone who tells you that looks are unimportant is a lying sack of sh*t. Certainly they aren't everything, not by a long shot. But is it so wrong that I want someone that I'm attracted to? I went on a date (second date) with a nice girl last night that I'm really just not into on both a physical and intellectual/emotional level. She's okay I suppose, but really, I'm settling here. I guess it's come to that. I'm going to have to settle.

Now I've heard various advice all over the map on how to meet women, what women are interested in, the whole deal. Many point out how you see hot women with so-so guys all the time. These guys have money. It's that simple. They want a good looking guy, with money and a nice car. I am possessing none of these things. Plus I live with parents. Yeah, real cool. Who in the hell needs personality when you drive a Ford Thunderbird?

Now to be fair, I've asked various women (all attractive) their opinions on this. It's been about 60/40 in favor of all the shallow stuff. And when asked to be brutally honest, I've heard such things as "you're really not that attractive" and "you have to lower your standards". Ouch. Not fun to hear, but I do appreciate the honesty. In essence, don't go for the hot girls, you have no shot. They're telling me to settle....that's how it's going to be. Now on the other hand, I've also been told by at least a few people that women (even the smoking hot ones) go for guys who are fun, interesting and have great personalities. If so....what's my problem? Perhaps I lack all of those things too. *sigh* That's what I thought.

Friday, July 08, 2005


Well, it's 3:30 in the morning. I'm still awake. I don't have to work 'til Monday (yay!), but really don't have anything to do all weekend (boo!). Well, I'm gonna go out drinking with Bertmos and Heavy-D tomorrow, so that's something I guess!

So let's see...I was going to post about the fight I almost got into in the parking lot the other day, but I'm too tired. Maybe tomorrow. Went out with my friend Blondie and her friends a bit, then dinner with her, then we met up with Marty Boy for drinks. Not a bad night, until she started to talk about sex, as I was driving her home. That always makes me depressed. I mean REALLY depressed. She was trying to call several guys for a booty call, but was unsuccessful. Wow, she hasn't has sex for all of a week. People tend to complain about lack of sex a lot, ie. "Man, I haven't seen my girlfriend in two hoo hoo". If they had any clue.....

I mean, I'm not judging them at all. It's my problem that I can't get laid, not theirs. People have sex. People talk about it. Just not me it seems. It's very depressing you see. Man, I need to get laid. Does this make me shallow? I don't think it does. Most people have had sex within the last....I'm not even going to say how long it's been. And even if it's been a while, most people have the prospect of having sex sometime in the future. Not me it seems. Wow, this isn't fun. I mean, wow. Again, I need to get laid. This must be my most shallow post ever. But I don't care. You try going........without sex. See how it feels.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

I wonder if anyone still reads this after so long...

Well, it's been a while, I know. I'm really not doing too much better here, but I guess things haven't really gotten any worse, which is a plus. I'm still miserable and lonely, but I do want to thank all the good people who were kind enough to leave comments on the last depressing post.

Daphne, you're a sweetheart as always. RP, I do hope the band pans out, but it might not be so feasible, seeing as we're 6 hours apart. Mike D, feel free to add me to your MSN if you'd like (I'm sure my email address is somewhere in your past emails) and thank you anonymous poster for your insight (F*ck confidence!).

So anyways....what's new? I still can't get laid, I still have no friends it seems and I still hate my life......but aside from that, two things of note.

1. Some of the people who read this (if anyone still does) might know of the "Thunder Thighs" incident, AKA The worst date of all time. Long story short, I met a girl on one of them dating websites. She seemed nice and cute too. She lived about an hour away. I said "Hey, would you like to do something?" She said sure, but was uncomfortable seeing a total stranger like me one on one. So we would each bring a friend, make it less weird or something. I managed to talk my good buddy Heavy-D into coming with (I still owe him large). From the second I got there, it was THE MOST uncomfortable situation ever. Neither party seemed remotely interested in the other. I won't go into further details, but it was awful. Also, she looked quite different from her pictures and indeed had "Thunder Thighs" as Heavy-D pointed out. Ick.

So, you think I've learned my lesson? Well, not really. I continue with the internet dating, seeing it's the only thing that remotely works for me. So I'm talking to this other girl, she seems nice, we talk on the phone etc. Not wanting to make the same mistake, I did see a full body shot of her and she seemed to look alright. Not thin or anything, but certainly proportioned, plus a very pretty face. My God, pictures can be deceiving. While talking on the phone, she suggested I come and visit her at her place of work. I say fine, it's only a 20 minute drive. At least it wasn't as far and I didn't invest in an actual 'date'. She appeared to have gained 40 pounds, her hair was yucky, she had braces and terrible skin. I mean, if I have a 3 or 4 beers in me, I'd probably still do "Thunder Thighs", but this one was just.......yikes. I chatted politely and got the hell out of there ASAP. I know this makes me sound shallow, but I know I'm not a bad looking guy and I also stay in good shape. Why should I accept less? Again, I didn't actually take her to dinner or anything, so no big loss. I can actually laugh at this one. WHA HA HA!!!

2. (If you're still here).....This really cute girl that I sort of know (she worked at the Starbucks across from where I work) came in to buy cigarettes today. We always chat and stuff, a nice casual acquaintance relationship. I'm not even sure she remembers my name, to be honest. So anyhow, she mentions how she's looking for a job and if we're hiring. In fact we're looking for some one desperately and she seems very interested! She said she'd email me her resume. I'm sure she'll get hired. She pretty, plus I'll put in a good word for her. Assuming she's single, I don't think she'd be interested in me, but hopefully I can at least make another friend. We'll see.

Well, that's it for now. Hopefully my next post won't take two weeks. Cheers.
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