Sunday, July 17, 2005

Suicide it is!

Not that this should come as anything of a surprise, but according to this I'm going to die as a result of suicide. Well, I could have told you that without some fancy internet survey. It really is a question of when, not if (and yes, I am being serious). Some days are better than others of course. Most times even when I feel like shit, I still would be too much of a coward to do anything, but it will happen one of these days. I'm okay right now, but sooner or later, it will happen. I know, people will saying I'm being stupid, that it's not funny etc. That isn't the case, I assure you. This is something I've accepted. I mean, I will kill myself. Often I want to, but just can't. One day I probably will. That's just how it is.

Also, another gripe that I have, is various people (and it's more than one) have told me in one way or another that I, for lack of a better description, like being depressed. I like the attention, it's my 'thing' or whatever. Like it's something I have control over. Like I can just turn it off, like a switch. People have NO IDEA how much I hurt. How much I hate myself. How when I look in the mirror, just how sick it makes me. I do value all the advice I receive from various people and I'm 90% is quite valid. It's not that I don't hear, it just that I can't do. I JUST CAN'T. People don't seem to understand this. Whenever I start to tell myself things like "Yes, it will get better tomorrow" or "Think positive" or "Go out there and who cares what other people have to say", I just end up feeling a lot worse.

I mean, I GENUINELY hate myself.

I AM a loser.

I AM unattractive.

Everyone will reject me.

PEOPLE HATE ME.

I know people tell me otherwise. I just can't believe it. Look, I hate myself. I want to die, okay. Yes, I know there are people who have things much worse than I do. I just don't have the strength to carry on I suppose. Again, it won't be today or tomorrow most likely. But there will come a point that my sadness is just so overwhelming, I just want out. And it doesn't seem like anything can change that.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Either get some serious help, or quit fucking complaining. Either way, what you're doing now is not doing a goddam thing to help your depression. DO SOMETHING

July 17, 2005 10:12 PM  
Blogger Del Fuego said...

I reckon if you didn't want someone's help, you wouldn't bother continually posting about it on here. If you're upset you can't get laid, then that's kinda sad. But if you're actually serious, like you can't control any of these depressing/morbid feelings, then for real, don't keep posting about it on a blog, don't keep chatting about it with people who probably don't know shit about such things (like me, for instance) you should actually find a professional to talk to. Depression is a recognized illness that a lot of people have faced and dealt with.

When people talk to you like you can choose to feel this way or not, in a way they're right. You can get help. Just gotta wanna do it.

July 17, 2005 10:49 PM  
Blogger Daphne said...

Del Fuego speaks some sage words, King Hippo. Depression is a serious illness, and like any illness, you can't always count on it to just get better on its own. Sometimes without help, it gets worse.
I hope things get better for you.

July 17, 2005 10:54 PM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

That or just drink a lot. I'm drunk right now and I feel great about myself. I'm happy and confident. Nice!

July 18, 2005 12:33 AM  
Blogger Del Fuego said...

Downside to that fix is you lose the ability to play with heavy machinery. Kiss your days of using a backhoe good bye.

I stand by my original advice. You can get treatment that can mimic the drunken sense of pride and self worth without inhibiting your ability to drive, speak and pee in the toilet and not on the seat.

July 18, 2005 1:25 AM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

Anyhow, now that I'm (sadly) sober, a couple of things.

1. Yes, I am upset about the fact I can't get laid. I don't presume to know anything about anyone else's life, but if you'd gone half the time I have without sex, you'd have gone insane a long time ago.

2. I am seeing someone and I am on medication. Neither helps. I still feel sad all the time and I'm not able to open up to my therapist. This has nothing to do with his skill as a mental health professional, I just can't seem to open up to anyone orally. I never have been able to. It just makes me feel so weak and pathetic.

3. There is NO hope for me. I know this deep down inside. It is an absolute truth and I hate it.

July 18, 2005 2:34 PM  
Blogger Heavy D said...

have you told your shrink about the blog? i mean if its easy to express yourself by writing, then direct him there, cant hurt, and perhaps he will give hime more of a perspective on you that can help.

July 18, 2005 8:00 PM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

Heavy D, that's actually the best advice I've gotten thus far. Thanks. I should print all of my entires (well relevant ones) and bring them to my next appointment. That really is a great idea. Thanks man.

July 18, 2005 9:51 PM  
Blogger Bill said...

Dude that's a buncha horseshit. You don't fuckin' even know ugly. If that's your picture, you're doing okay. I can tell you one thing, if you're wanting to get laid, nobody's gonna want to screw a sad-sack who's always moping around saying woe-is-me. Girls can smell that shit a mile away. If you act confident, you will be confident.

Oh, and it doesn't hurt if you don't try to fuck every cute girl you see. Sometimes if you just start out as friends with a girl (without thinking about different ways you can get her to screw you), something will blossom naturally.

The key to getting girls to think you are a good person is by BEING a good person. Most guys get girlfriends by growing into it after being friends first. Learn from this my man.

July 18, 2005 10:07 PM  
Blogger Squirrely said...

Why don't you stick with your idea of acting like someone else. It doesn't have to be an asshole, maybe just pretend that life isn't so bad, and your opinions will change. You don't need suicide, you need a swift kick in the ass to realize that life has so many opportunites that you haven't even explored. Maybe you should move, maybe it's where you live. Give somewhere else in the world a chance.

July 19, 2005 3:51 PM  

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