Knowing when to give up

This will be the last post on "The World's Most Depressing Blog" for a while, maybe the last one ever. As far as I can ascertain, only one person reads this, God bless her heart. She likely does so out of pity, but it's better than nothing. So there really is no point. Also, I'm just far too depressed to bother posting. I could barely get out of bed this morning I was so sad. Really things are getting worse for me every day and they were pretty shitty to begin with.

It's for the best anyway. This whole thing is just a testament to what a self-absorbed jerk I am. All I ever do is talk about just how miserable I am and how much I hate my life. No one likes a whiner, I know. But this is just how I feel. If I could change my feeling, believe me I would. I hate feeling this way all the time. The drugs aren't helping, neither is the therapy. I don't know what else there is to do. I know that I have such a negative outlook and if I could just try and see things in a 'glass half full' frame of mind, I'd become a positive person and that would start some sort of chain reaction and maybe turn things around. But I just can't seem to think like that. I do try from time to time, but it's so very hard when I just feel so sad. Most people really have no sympathy for that. They angrily tell me to have a better attitude and things will start to turn around. But it just isn't that easy for me.

Looking at things objectively, it looks as though things aren't really so bad on the surface. I'm back in school, trying to better myself. I'm in good health. I have a roof over my head. I have a bit of money saved up. I'm intelligent, articulate and kind. I'm still only in my mid-twenties; I have many years ahead of me still. If you put all these things together, my life isn't so bad. Maybe I'm being selfish, but they're just not enough. I am just so fucking lonely. And it doesn't seem like there's a damned thing I can do about it. I've never had many friends and now most of the ones I had, have moved away or are just getting tired of me. And I really have no idea how to make new friends. I am painfully shy and utterly devoid of confidence. Sure I've been told of a few ways on how to meet new people, but it's just so hard for me to talk to strange people. It terrifies me really. But what terrifies me just as much is the prospect of being very lonely for a very long time. There's going to come a time, not too long from now, when I'm going to be spending every weekend at home by myself. It's a very depressing prospect. The biggest problem I have with trying to make new friends is the fact that I don't have any old ones. This makes me a loser. And who wants to befriend a friendless loser?

And this is only half of my loneliness. The thing that of course weighs heaviest on my mind is the fact that I can't find anyone to go out with. I have never been popular with the ladies at any point in my life. I'm sure much of this has to do with my total lack of confidence. Yes, I lack confidence. I’m sure a lot of guys do. Some are just confident people, who just 'go for it'. They're just born this way I suppose. Other guys aren't so lucky. They're shy and have trouble approaching women. I certainly fall into the latter category. Again, that's just how I am. "Confidence is sexy', yes I've heard it a thousand times. No one will like me until I like myself. Yes, I know that's true as well. I'm neither confidant, nor do I like myself, though I suppose I could try to fake it. I actually did that the other night (faking confidence) with a girl I met over Lavalife. Like everything else, it blew up in my face. She said that I was 'too forward' and stopped talking to me. I didn't say anything weird or offensive, I know that much. So it must be me. I guess it doesn't matter if I'm confident or self-deprecating; I'm just not likeable either way. Besides, it's becoming harder and harder to fake confidence.

Another problem is that I have no idea where to meet women. I hadn't tried for a long time prior to the beginning of this year. I've tried the internet dating, which sounds stupid, but I know for a fact that it works for a lot of guys. Few people respond to my ads and those that do either live miles away or lose interest quickly. Maybe I'm ugly, maybe I don't write the right things in my profile, I just don't know. Maybe I'm not direct enough with the ones I do 'meet'. But then I try to be confident guy and look what happens. Work isn't an option, seeing I work with only three other people. School is just too vast. I don't live downtown and I'm only there during classes. Besides, it's just so hard for me to go up to complete strangers. I tried picking up women at a bar recently. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to a single one. I was shaking. Again, I don't have many friends, so it doesn't look like I'm going to meet anyone that way. I can't remember the last party I was invited to. Joining a club or group of some sort just reeks of desperation (which is what I am). I think it would make me even more miserable. All these things are moot anyway. I'll just be rejected anyways (3 times in the last 24 hours). Besides, who wants to go out with a friendless loser anyway?

This is just becoming so hard. I can only pick myself up and dust myself off so many times. I know that I'm not attractive enough for women to come up to me off the streets. If anything is to happen, I have to make it happen. But I just don't know how to. It seems like I've hit rock bottom and instead of there being nowhere to go but up, out comes the drill, plowing its way to the core. I need a friend. I need someone to just take a chance on me. I've been told that it will happen, that things are bound to turn around one of these days. I want to believe that. But it's becoming harder to, every single day. Even when things do go well for me here or there, they're just illusions of happiness. I know that everyday can't be a good day, but all I ever seem to get are these teases. It feels like "Yes, something's going to happen!" and then it doesn't. That seems to happen a fair bit. I'm stupid for thinking that good things can happen to me. Somedays I go to bed happy, envisioning the best. But then the very next day, it all comes crashing down. So yes, I do try positive thinking sometimes. But it never pans out. So why even bother? Nothing good it seems, is ever going to happen to me. I need it to stick. I see happy couples everyday. I know not everyone is happy all the time, but it seems like everyone else has someone or did or will. Not me. I am just so very lonely.