Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Knowing when to give up

This will be the last post on "The World's Most Depressing Blog" for a while, maybe the last one ever. As far as I can ascertain, only one person reads this, God bless her heart. She likely does so out of pity, but it's better than nothing. So there really is no point. Also, I'm just far too depressed to bother posting. I could barely get out of bed this morning I was so sad. Really things are getting worse for me every day and they were pretty shitty to begin with.

It's for the best anyway. This whole thing is just a testament to what a self-absorbed jerk I am. All I ever do is talk about just how miserable I am and how much I hate my life. No one likes a whiner, I know. But this is just how I feel. If I could change my feeling, believe me I would. I hate feeling this way all the time. The drugs aren't helping, neither is the therapy. I don't know what else there is to do. I know that I have such a negative outlook and if I could just try and see things in a 'glass half full' frame of mind, I'd become a positive person and that would start some sort of chain reaction and maybe turn things around. But I just can't seem to think like that. I do try from time to time, but it's so very hard when I just feel so sad. Most people really have no sympathy for that. They angrily tell me to have a better attitude and things will start to turn around. But it just isn't that easy for me.

Looking at things objectively, it looks as though things aren't really so bad on the surface. I'm back in school, trying to better myself. I'm in good health. I have a roof over my head. I have a bit of money saved up. I'm intelligent, articulate and kind. I'm still only in my mid-twenties; I have many years ahead of me still. If you put all these things together, my life isn't so bad. Maybe I'm being selfish, but they're just not enough. I am just so fucking lonely. And it doesn't seem like there's a damned thing I can do about it. I've never had many friends and now most of the ones I had, have moved away or are just getting tired of me. And I really have no idea how to make new friends. I am painfully shy and utterly devoid of confidence. Sure I've been told of a few ways on how to meet new people, but it's just so hard for me to talk to strange people. It terrifies me really. But what terrifies me just as much is the prospect of being very lonely for a very long time. There's going to come a time, not too long from now, when I'm going to be spending every weekend at home by myself. It's a very depressing prospect. The biggest problem I have with trying to make new friends is the fact that I don't have any old ones. This makes me a loser. And who wants to befriend a friendless loser?

And this is only half of my loneliness. The thing that of course weighs heaviest on my mind is the fact that I can't find anyone to go out with. I have never been popular with the ladies at any point in my life. I'm sure much of this has to do with my total lack of confidence. Yes, I lack confidence. I’m sure a lot of guys do. Some are just confident people, who just 'go for it'. They're just born this way I suppose. Other guys aren't so lucky. They're shy and have trouble approaching women. I certainly fall into the latter category. Again, that's just how I am. "Confidence is sexy', yes I've heard it a thousand times. No one will like me until I like myself. Yes, I know that's true as well. I'm neither confidant, nor do I like myself, though I suppose I could try to fake it. I actually did that the other night (faking confidence) with a girl I met over Lavalife. Like everything else, it blew up in my face. She said that I was 'too forward' and stopped talking to me. I didn't say anything weird or offensive, I know that much. So it must be me. I guess it doesn't matter if I'm confident or self-deprecating; I'm just not likeable either way. Besides, it's becoming harder and harder to fake confidence.

Another problem is that I have no idea where to meet women. I hadn't tried for a long time prior to the beginning of this year. I've tried the internet dating, which sounds stupid, but I know for a fact that it works for a lot of guys. Few people respond to my ads and those that do either live miles away or lose interest quickly. Maybe I'm ugly, maybe I don't write the right things in my profile, I just don't know. Maybe I'm not direct enough with the ones I do 'meet'. But then I try to be confident guy and look what happens. Work isn't an option, seeing I work with only three other people. School is just too vast. I don't live downtown and I'm only there during classes. Besides, it's just so hard for me to go up to complete strangers. I tried picking up women at a bar recently. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to a single one. I was shaking. Again, I don't have many friends, so it doesn't look like I'm going to meet anyone that way. I can't remember the last party I was invited to. Joining a club or group of some sort just reeks of desperation (which is what I am). I think it would make me even more miserable. All these things are moot anyway. I'll just be rejected anyways (3 times in the last 24 hours). Besides, who wants to go out with a friendless loser anyway?

This is just becoming so hard. I can only pick myself up and dust myself off so many times. I know that I'm not attractive enough for women to come up to me off the streets. If anything is to happen, I have to make it happen. But I just don't know how to. It seems like I've hit rock bottom and instead of there being nowhere to go but up, out comes the drill, plowing its way to the core. I need a friend. I need someone to just take a chance on me. I've been told that it will happen, that things are bound to turn around one of these days. I want to believe that. But it's becoming harder to, every single day. Even when things do go well for me here or there, they're just illusions of happiness. I know that everyday can't be a good day, but all I ever seem to get are these teases. It feels like "Yes, something's going to happen!" and then it doesn't. That seems to happen a fair bit. I'm stupid for thinking that good things can happen to me. Somedays I go to bed happy, envisioning the best. But then the very next day, it all comes crashing down. So yes, I do try positive thinking sometimes. But it never pans out. So why even bother? Nothing good it seems, is ever going to happen to me. I need it to stick. I see happy couples everyday. I know not everyone is happy all the time, but it seems like everyone else has someone or did or will. Not me. I am just so very lonely.


Blogger The Fresh Young MikeyD said...

Say it ain't so Hippo. That post broke my heart. I do read your blog but sometimes I just don't know what to say, so I don't leave comments as often as I'd like.

I know I'm not of the female persuasion, but I do live in the G.T.A. so if ever want to hang out I’d be up for it.

June 21, 2005 9:34 PM  
Blogger Daphne said...

I wish I could say something better.

June 21, 2005 11:34 PM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

Hey, thanks MD. You're a good guy. But it would be pity hanging out and I don't want to do that to you.

XO Daph.

June 22, 2005 6:53 PM  
Blogger the Colonel said...

Hey Hippo, long time reader first (or maybe second, I don't remember) time poster. In the immortal words of Kansas, "carry on my wayward son". You'll turn this shit around, and if not, our band will bail you out.

p.s. we're still searching for a bass player, but we definitely haven't forgotten you.

June 25, 2005 4:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hippo, you need to go to a retreat in the mountains, learn from a cruel but wise master in the ways of goat-ropin'. Then you'll return, years later, a new man, and the question which has been on everyone's lips (what happened to hippo?) will be finally answered: Hippo has been reborn.

June 27, 2005 5:47 PM  
Blogger The Fresh Young MikeyD said...

Hippo, I only offered 'cause I was genuinely interested and you called for someone to take a chance on you. If you're interested the offer still stands.

June 28, 2005 12:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just want to throw in my two cents. I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago and thought it was amusing in a wallowing-in-self-pity kind of way. I've checked in on you from time to time. I was really happy to hear that things were looking up for you a few weeks ago. But I'm sorry you are feeling down again. Anyways, all I wanted to say is, that crap that people are telling you about self-confidence being sexy is just dead wrong. Bombastic self-confidence may be sexy to inexperienced women who are looking for bread-winners. However, millions of women looking for true companions are really looking for men who are just a little bit scared, a tad bit underconfident and who are capable of introspection and of having feelings that revolve around someone other than themselves, all traits which you obviously have. You'll find someone - and when you do, she'll find your self-deprecation wildly attractive and it will make her love you even more. As a female, I can honestly say that confidence can be a turnoff and I'm pretty sure I'm not in the minority. As for places to meet women, forget bars and gyms, and try libraries, bookstores, coffee shops, or maybe take a class in something that's interesting to you that requires some teamwork (like, I dunno, mountain climbing or something.) You'll get there - please don't give up. Also, I just have to point out that you have something of which I am extremely envious - you have time and freedom. I have a family (new baby), job, husband and a ton of responsibility. Although I love my husband and child more than anything, I wish I could be you just for one day. Please remember that the grass is always greener, and once you have that wife and family you'll have to create a new blog so you can piss and moan about how much it sucks to be married with kids. God, if I were you I'd treasure every day of my freedom while I still had it - read the paper, walk my dog, travel, go to a museum or on a day-trip without the baby carrier and all the accoutrements (sp?) that go along with having a new baby. I don't even have 30 minutes to read a magazine, watch TV or just sit quietly. You'd better take advantage of your time now, before you meet your dream girl and she starts wanting to have KIDS and before you know it - you'll be thinking "what did I DO with all my time before"? LOL Anyways, just had to share my 2 cents - good luck to you.

July 06, 2005 2:34 PM  
Blogger Michelle Marie Pedone said...

How can you be depressed when you get so much comment love my brotha? I came across your blog by hitting "next blog" at the top of mine. Not bad at all. Sorry your going through a little funk (I'm right there with ya). It'll pass. It always does.

Keep your chin pointed towards the sun darlin.

July 06, 2005 6:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, this is in regards to the anonymous desperate housewife who posted telling Hippoman to ease up on the confidence and lay on the scared: Sure seems like the hubby and kids aren't eating away too much of your time, as that post made Ulysses look like a Family Circus caption.


July 06, 2005 7:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I type 110 words a minute and am a working mom - I posted during my break at work. So I wasn't neglecting my family, if that's what you're insinuating.

July 07, 2005 8:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another thing - if I were a MAN posting I wouldn't have drawn criticism - I am positive you would have thought "poor guy, needs a break from his wife & family." God forbid a woman & mother take a 30-minute break to cruise the blogs and post something. You know, moms can have lives outside their families too, lives that include jobs, friends, hobbies, reading and writing. My child will be all the healthier for it if my entire life doesn't shut down because I had him.

July 07, 2005 9:12 AM  
Blogger Beer said...

Dreadfully sorry.

July 07, 2005 4:33 PM  

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