Sunday, May 29, 2005

How am I to think I'm a good person?

It's tough sometimes. I mean, on one hand, I really try to say encouraging things to myself. I'm polite, well spoken, intelligent and at least average looking. I really want to believe all these things about myself. I want to believe that I'm a nice person, a good person and that good things will eventually start to happen to me. But it's getting harder and harder to believe that every day.

A few people whom I consider friends (and I hope they think of me as such), often seem to not include me in various activities. Looking back to yesterday's post, I know that this is certainly not the first time that people have done something and I haven't been included. I suspect it may happen a lot. Sometimes I'll call around and see if anything's going down, but I'm finding it very rare that anyone (with a couple of exceptions) seems to call me. I wish I knew why that was. I just don't think that they enjoy spending time with me. Really makes me pretty sad. Maybe I'm not as nice a person as I thought I was.

Then last night, I did end up going out after my suspected snubbing, to a strip club (I don't like to use this term, but I will for lack of a less derogatory euphemism). Looking at some of the dancers there, I realize that women who look like that would NEVER want to have anything to do with a guy who looks like me. It really makes me feel low. One of them did compliment my hair, though I suspect she was just being nice. And yes, I've heard the advice to 'be confident' a million times and that 'confidence is sexy'. But what do I have to be confident about? I'm 24. I live at home. I drive a shitty car. I won't be out of school until I'm 27 years old. I am average looking AT BEST. If I were attractive I'm sure at least a few women might have approached me in all my years at some point. I've never been told that I'm attractive in my life without it being solicited in some way. NEVER. My own friends don't even want to spend time with me. How much of a personality can I have? And let's face facts, I don't know what I'm doing in the bedroom either. It's been so long, whatever little experience and skills I did have are surely gone.

I hate complaining all the time. I used to sort of enjoy it, but now I do it so much, it's like second nature. I wish I could have something to boast about, something to feel good about, some reason to be confident and say 'Hey, give me a chance. I won't let you down'. But I don't have any reasons and I know I'll never get that chance.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

you do know more about elvis than anyone else i've met. that's gotta count for something. and if i recall correctly from the CPSS days, you were the trivial pursuit king. you just need to find groupies to hop on the bandwagon.

May 30, 2005 1:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who doesn't love a Trivial Pursuit king?

May 30, 2005 2:59 PM  
Blogger Semaj said...

Hang in there, it will get better.

May 30, 2005 10:13 PM  
Blogger The Fresh Young MikeyD said...

Bad people aren't troubled by the use of the term strip club or any of its more derogatory euphemisms.

May 31, 2005 4:55 PM  

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