Oh God, Hilary...

Yeah, it's that time of year again. Over at The Time Burglar, a few lists have been posted in the annual 'Top Ten Hottest Women' list (and one on men). Since I have my own blog here, I might as well post the third installment of my list right here. I’ll include the previous two years' lists in the comments section. Lindsay Lohan probably wouldn't make my top 100 anymore and as much as I still wanted to keep her on, I just couldn't have Britney on the list this year. The other fallen are still hot, I've just lost a bit of interest. So here it is, the list to end all other lists:

10. Jennifer Garner- She's pregnant with Ben Affleck's child. Oh Jen, you can do so much better. My acting career has more buzz than his right now.
9. Kate Moss- I never thought that much of her, until this cocaine thing. Now I find her irresistible. I'm sick, I know.
8. Carla Gugino- Yes, an obscure choice. The mom from Spy Kids and star of the short lived (but very cool) series Karen Sisco. Plus a bunch of crappy movies where she show off her rather ample cleavage.
7. Helena Bonham Carter- After seeing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I realized just how pretty she is. Another hot mom.
6. Kate Bosworth- Like Superman, she makes a return. Has one blue eye, one brown, which is pretty cool. She is also dating pretty boy Orlando Bloom, which is not.
5. Jessica Alba- I was never too hot on her, until very recently. Yes, Fantastic Four was awful and I'm sure that movie with Paul Walker will be too. I really don't care.
4. Maria Sharapova- She gets hot and sweaty on the court, plus there's the shrieking. Oh God, the shrieking...such thoughts fill my mind, which I won't get into here...
3. Avril Lavigne- She's got that tough and slutty thing going on. Probably a demon in the sack, but sadly, I'll never know.
2. Alexis Bledel- I used to pair her with Lauren Graham, but I'm all about Alexis now...love her as the good girl in Gilmore Girls, love her as the bad hooker in Sin City. Love Alexis, period. Also, the only person to make the list all three year.
1. Hilary Duff- Sept. 28th was Hilary's 18th birthday. She is officially no longer 'jail bait'. I can now say, with pride, that I would love to "Stuff Hilary Duff". Yes, that's still wrong and I don't care.

Less Than Zero

That's what I feel like today. I mean really. Wow. Yesterday was NOT a good day. By all accounts it should have been. Heavy-D's birthday dinner was yesterday. Went to 'East' on Queen St. Good food, but the service was hella slow. Afterwards, we went over to 'Habbitat' (which was quite full), before settling on 'Irie'. Quite an impressive turnout, plus I had A LOT to drink made for a fun night. It made me forget just how awful my day was, up 'till then.

Remember the girl who lives far away and I was hoping to see her? Well, we made plans for me to drive down this upcoming Friday. Man, was I excited. I booked a hotel, got time off work. Even though I've never met her...I think I was really starting to like her, I felt she was someone who really liked me, someone who actually might want to be with me. She made me feel nice. Then yesterday, I get this email:

Hey Mike...there's something I've been avoiding telling you for awhile and I think the time has come for me to let you in on my little secret. I don't know how to tell you this so I'm just going to come straight out and say it. I'm not 19. I'm 16. I put I was 19 so that I could post my picture on the hot or not site and it just continued from there. I don't know what to say other than I'm really sorry. I can understand this is probably making you question my integrity as well as everything I've ever said to you and I can also understand if you don't wish to talk to me anymore. I'll leave you alone....please don't call me or whatever else, let me come to you. Bye.

Wow. She deleted me from her MSN as well. I just feel so stupid for believing for a minute that maybe there's someone out there for me, maybe this is my chance at happiness. But as usual, just when I start thinking happy thoughts, just when I start thinking positive, everything blows up in my face. I know this is just one incedent and I know this person obviously has issues, but that's beside the point. The point is, why does nothing EVER work out for me? Also, how am I supposed to trust women, if all they ever do is lie to me and hurt me? I'm just so sad and frustrated right now...I mean, I'm a nice guy who first of all, deserves a chance with someone nice and secondly, deserves to be treated well. That's how I treat other people, why do I not get it in return? I'm sure I've raised all this before, so I'm not going to go nuts here...I'm just so frustrated as usual. This, plus I cracked my rear-view mirror in a parking garage yesterday. I'm so fucking stupid.

Now, a short(er) one

It's because I'm hella tired. School, plus the inability to sleep at night does that to you. It's not fun.

What was fun was U2...I know I promised a full review, but I just don't have the strength right now. Went with Marty Boy and his lady friend, plus Blondie...who gave me the "I'm starting to think of you as more of a friend speech". Yikes. I knew it was coming. I do not feel that way. She's a sweet girl, but a touch too immature and rather needy...So it was a 'no' from me. Hopefully we can still be friends. Back to the show, it was super-fun (aside from the $12.50 beers and the $45 t-shirt). The ACC was packed of course and it was just a great atmosphere. There really were a lot of highlights, I'll just think of a few that stick out...the opening of 'City of Blinding Lights' was uber-cool, with all the neat-o effects and such, plus it's my favourite song off the new album...'Electric CO.' from way back off their first album, I never expected to hear that...'Love and Peace or Else' also from the new album works MUCH better live than in studio...The trio of 'Pride', 'Where the Streets...' and 'One' to end the main set had everyone singing along of course, these songs are classics. Towards the end of 'One' they went into (of all things) 'Ol Man River' (!!!) and were joined onstage by Eddie Vedder...very cool. '40' ended the show, with the band leaving the stage in turn until only Larry was left on drums....perfect way to end it. Again, a super time. Dang, that was fairly thorough....oh well.

What else...it's Heavy D's birthday today...a very happy one out to him. He's joined the quarter century club...scary, huh? The cute girl in my film class I was going to try and talk to already made another friend, seconds before I was about to start talking to her during a smoke break...that sort of bummed me out. Plus, she's not in either of my tutorials. The world is against me. I'll see what happens there. Hopefully I can work things out to visit girl who lives very far away. Man, I need something to work out in my favour. That's it for now. I'm drifting...later folks.

How many people DO read this?? I wonder....

Feeling pretty good actually. The first week of school is over and I am still alive. I can already tell that I am very quickly going to fall far behind in all my readings and soon be under tremendous amounts of stress, however. I'm a slacker, what can I say? Instead of reading Richard III like I'm supposed to, I'm writing this lousy blog entry that maybe 3 or 4 people will read. How many people do actually read this? I wonder...I wish I had an idea of what my readership was...oh well.

Went on a sort-of date yesterday. It was an internet thing (as are all my dates). Girly was complaining to me about how she couldn't attend pub night because she had:

A: No ride.

B: No money.

I then very graciously offered to pick her up and buy her a couple of drinks. She thought about it for a second and I got a yes from another person I've never met! Yes! Pub night ended up being a bust (the line was huge to get in), so we just hit up Failte's instead (P.S. sorry Heavy D). Had a nice conversation with no lulls and a few drinks. Not a bad time. Unlike last week's date she was attractive, thin and had a personality. She also has a boyfriend. Yes, this should be a red flag, but various signs point to that relationship being on its last legs...I hope I'm right (how awful does that sound?). At any rate I seem to have at least a couple of other options opening up, so we'll see what happens...with any hope, I'll have more women than I can handle! Man, if only I could start meeting women in real life as well as cyberspace, I might be dangerous. I wish people would invite me to parties and such...I haven't been to one in ages.

Oh and U2 is tomorrow! Last of four sold out shows at the ACC!!! Hopefully I'll post a full review either Sunday or Monday. Okay, time to drink myself stupid.

Yes, another long one...they're all long!

Oh my poor, neglected blog...I really don't update nearly as much as I want to or should...I just get so very lazy. Then what seems to happen is that when I do post something, it's a million words long...this will likely be no exception.

So let's see...what's happened since I last left you...went on the pseudo-blind date set up by our good friend Daphne. It wasn't exactly a sparkling moment in my dating life. Yes I'm shallow, but I really didn't find her that attractive at all. Physical attraction does matter to me, as it does to most people. I'm just very free to admit it. I knew that the evening was lost from the minute I saw her, but I soldiered on. Dinner was good, as was the wine, so at least that was a plus. I really have to stop spending so much money on first dates though, especially with people I've never met. I should've just met for drinks or coffee, but dinner was my idea...oh well. Went back to her place (I regret going up) and played Trivial Pursuit and Scrabble. I won both! Anyways, the whole night was a bust. I didn't really even find her interesting enough to keep as a friend. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

As to the issue of her....fuck it. Last night I was tempted to just write an angry letter, let her know how I feel and that I don't appreciate being treated so poorly by someone who I was nothing but nice to, but it's not even worth the effort. Before, the whole situation made me rather sad, but now there's just a sense of anger. It feels a lot better, truth be told. I really have been stupid for dwelling upon it for so long. But I truly think I'm finally snapping out of it. If she wants to reject someone who would have been a true friend, that's really her loss.

So where do we stand now? Well, I don't know. Just started up classes on Monday. It's already proved to be exhausting. I know I have to start focusing on school work, but all my thoughts are dominated with other issues...you all know what they are. School might be a good way to get some things happening. That would involve me talking to strange women without the aid of alcohol, so I'm not sure how well this would work. I have to just try it I guess. There really are so many beautiful women at U of T, all over the place. I just have to try talking to some of them. That's one front. Wish me luck there.

And then we have the internet...I know that it can work. It's something that I devote a lot of my time to (internet dating) and yet I've had limited success. I just started The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating the other day and there is a chapter devoted to internet dating. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I mean I've been on a few internet dates and I personally know several people for whom it's worked very well. Maybe I'm spreading myself too thin, talking to too many women. I should pick a few who seem genuinely interested in chatting with me and focus all the attention there. There are a few, but they all seem to live at least an hour away (that or they have boyfriends). The one I chat with most frequently lives three and a half hours away. I have a few 'maybes' I'm working on, but she's always been at the top of my list. I think I've probably talked to her over MSN twice as much as I have with anyone else. I actually did tell her how I feel about her.....and she feels the same way. There's just this profound sadness over the fact that we live so far away from each other. I told her I would definitely be willing to drive there. I'd be more than happy to really. She told me she doesn't know about that yet, she has to think about it. Something about the potential of ruining our MSN friendship. If it were anyone else, I'd think that it were just a line, but I believe her. I just hope I get the answer I want. I am her 'poodle' after all.

Progress?

A quick aside before I get started....I absolutely DESPISE those Tim Horton's ads touting their 'Steeped' tea and how amazing it is. "Hey, this tea tastes great"..."Yeah, it's steeped". Okay people....all tea is steeped tea. The process by which a tea bag is placed in hot water is called steeping. What's so new and great about this? What's next, they're going to advertise just how great their round doughnuts are? Come on. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it really does. That and the fact I don't seem to get any sleep. Tennis was on until 1:30 last night. Man, that Agassi continues to amaze at 35. I'd love to see him make the final at least, but I fear no one can stop the mighty Federer.

Okay, now that we're done with that rant, on to the main body of this blog...

I'm making progress, at least I think I am. First off, there was the step of me actually approaching a group of strange women to talk to them the other night, something I've never had the guts to do before. Secondly, my appointment yesterday with the therapist was probably my best one yet. Usually they mostly consist of him yacking a lot, probably due to the fact that I don't yack enough. But I was pretty good yesterday. I started off a bit hesitantly, but was really able to open up the best I've been able to thus far. Yeah, I was still holding back a bit, but I did feel a bit better about it. Plus, he's upped my dosage of pills, that might help too. Lastly, I picked up The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating. It was either that or the Dummies one, but I consider myself more of an idiot. At any rate, it might give me some insight. You never know. At the very least, it's something to read at work.

Now onto the bad...

I got an email from her the other day. I thought it would be over and done with (after all, Double D called to apologize). Nope, not the case:

Hey:

I just wanted to write you that I heard that you were driving past Highway (x) apparently the other night and someone had the bright idea to call me. Well...I don't know if that was you or not, but I don't appreciate getting calls so late in the night. I mean, if it was my house...whatever, but my mom was sleeping and well.....yah! I know you were probably joking around, but what was that all about anyways? Double D called to apologize...which was nice of him, I appreciated that!

Just wondering what the heck that was all about!

-Her

So I am the jerk here. While it was not my bright idea to call her (still not sure who's it was), it was me who had to point out that we were driving by the exit to her house, which in turn led to the ill-fated phone call. Instead of emailing her back, I actually called. I explained all this and the reasons why I didn't call to apologize earlier and that was it. It was a two minute conversation. That was it. What really gets me is that her email was a reply to an email that I had sent her about two weeks prior. That email was a very pleasant "Hey, this is what I've been up to, how are you?" sort of thing, to which I got no response. It's really very frustrating. I'm trying to be a friend and apparently, I’m not even good enough for that. I really don't know why this continues to frustrate me, but it does, oh does it ever. Maybe I should have attempted a longer conversation over the phone, but it's too late for that now. Calling back will only seem weird. My only options as I see them are to do nothing (probably the sane choice) or the angry email. It hurts when someone I've never been anything but nice to treats me like utter shit. At this point, I might as well go for it. Help me out here people, what do I do? (let it go, I know...)

So, I was pretty down after talking to her again and probably would have drunk myself into oblivion, had it not been for the timely intervention of our good blog friend, Ms. Daphne. She sent me a picture and gave me the email address of some friend of her dude's. This was as obvious a setup as I've seen, but I'm not complaining. I chatted with her right after the incident with her, thus not giving me a chance to stew about it all (Thanx Daph!). We talked on the phone the next day for about 45 minutes (if there's one thing I can do, it's carry a conversation). All went pretty well and while wrapping up the talk, I suggested we continue it over coffee or lunch or something. She had no complaints (which is good). But me being me, I had to add something like "Unless of course, you don't want to, I mean you don't have to, if you don't want etc.". I always seem to do that self-deprecating routine and she called me on it. Dang. Everything was going so well and I fear I may have blown it. I tried to downplay it as much as I could, but I fear some damage may have already been done. We'll see. I'll give her a call tomorrow perhaps, hopefully everything is good. Really, what is it with me? I mean, everything is going well and I just start putting myself down as always. It really is my least attractive trait, one that I desperately need to control and just haven't been able to thus far. Really, what is it with me? Stupid, stupid, stupid....

Some good, some bad.

I received a rather legitimate complaint last night, in regards to the fact that I only seem to use this forum to talk about all the negative aspects of my life. Yes it is called "The World's Most Depressing Blog", but I do suppose it should also be as fair and balanced as possible.

On Wednesday, drove down to ‘The Hammer’, to hang out with Double D, El Coop and a few other folks. Good company (with one exception) and a nice atmosphere, I must say. I rather enjoyed that Hess Village. Even on a Wednesday night, it was rather lively. Came back last night (along with Heavy D and Bertmos). I must be nuts for driving all the way to Hamilton, the way gas prices are these days, but I do seem to have fun there. Spent the early part of the evening at El Coop's Bar-B-Q-ing, playing drinking games and smoking cigars. Fun times. Couldn't decide upon what to do next, maybe Kingdom Nightclub, maybe to some house party with Double D's sister. The house party seemed to fall through, so we somehow reached the Kingdom consensus. While on the highway, a last minute decision was made to just do Hess again. Went to one of the many bars there, had a few drinks and I somehow gathered the courage to talk to a table of random girls. I must have sat with them for over a half hour, easily beating the over/under that I had been given. I believe they all had boyfriends and don't think they would have been interested in me anyways, but I'm still amazed I took that first step. Good for me. Bertmos drove us all home in my car (I was not in driving shape). A boisterous 'Hey Jude' sing-along wrapped it all up in the car. Fun times.

So why am I still miserable today?

1. I need sex. Now. If I don't get laid soon, I am going to go insane. Really, I'm half-way there. I am losing my mind. A girlfriend would be nice and take care of the sex thing too (on a regular basis, no less). Just from hearing about people and their various exploits has made this very clear. I need to find someone. I can't wait any longer, no more of this "it happens when it happens" bullshit. I am so very sick of that. If I can find Mrs. Right, fantastic. If not, Mrs. Right-Now will do. I need something and I need it now. And I just don't know how to get it. I know I should feel good about talking to random women as a step in the right direction, but even if they were nice to me, I just never get that vibe, that “I’m interested in you” vibe. Maybe women will see me as a nice guy (which I like to think I am), but they just don’t ever see me LIKE THAT. I hate it. And don't judge me because much of my depression stems from the fact that I can't get laid, after all, I'm sure you're in much better shape than I am.

2. I am still totally and utterly hung up over her. Despite all that I was told on Wednesday, I am. Maybe more than ever. She doesn't even talk to me at all. Not sure what I did wrong. I was never anything but nice to her. Fine, maybe she doesn't see me in the same way that I see her. No one ever seems to. I probably came on too strong, I realize that now. I tend to do that a lot. I'm sure my desperate state has a lot to do with that. But I've even been rejected as a friend. That stings, big time. It makes me feel like there really is something wrong with me. Someone that I really like (for reasons I can't explain) wants nothing to do with me. I'm just not good enough, I guess. Why do people (women really) hurt me like this, time and time again? Why don't they want me? Why am I not good enough? They never even give me a chance. Not sure why, but someone called her from the backseat last night. Don't know the reasons for the call, maybe just drunken mischief. Heavy D spoke to her, used my name. Double D called back to apologize, take the blame. He's a good guy. I wish I could have spoken to her. I was thinking of calling to apologize myself. I know I had nothing to do with it, but it still would have been a good excuse to call. I guess it's too late now. In the end, it really doesn't matter.

Someone please help me.

I am really depressed. Maybe more so then I've ever been. I don't even know how to describe it. I'm not sure if I want to cry or scream or what. I just know that I'm hurting right now. A LOT. And I feel so helpless. I really don't know what to do, who to talk to or what to say. I can't even put any of this into words. I really can't. But this is bad...I don't like this. I'm scared and sad and just feel so helpless.

I am just so lonely.

I wish I could suck it up.

I wish I could make this go away.

I want to feel better.

I want to be confident.

It's all the same issue. Yes, the fact that nobody wants me. I truly believe that and I just can't see it otherwise. No one wants someone who feels the way I do all the time. No one wants a depressing loser. But that's just how I feel. I can't make myself un-sad. I am sad ALL the time. Seeing someone doesn't help; I just can't seem to open up. The pills don't seem to help. I want to get better. I want to feel good. I want someone to want me.

Why doesn't anyone want me?

Why can't I have some happiness?

Why am I crying right now?

I'm a good person, I know I am. I know that I could make someone very happy, if only I got the chance. But it seems I'm just not good enough for anyone. There's something wrong with me.

I don't even know if I have the strength to carry on anymore.