Saturday, September 03, 2005

Some good, some bad.

I received a rather legitimate complaint last night, in regards to the fact that I only seem to use this forum to talk about all the negative aspects of my life. Yes it is called "The World's Most Depressing Blog", but I do suppose it should also be as fair and balanced as possible.

On Wednesday, drove down to ‘The Hammer’, to hang out with Double D, El Coop and a few other folks. Good company (with one exception) and a nice atmosphere, I must say. I rather enjoyed that Hess Village. Even on a Wednesday night, it was rather lively. Came back last night (along with Heavy D and Bertmos). I must be nuts for driving all the way to Hamilton, the way gas prices are these days, but I do seem to have fun there. Spent the early part of the evening at El Coop's Bar-B-Q-ing, playing drinking games and smoking cigars. Fun times. Couldn't decide upon what to do next, maybe Kingdom Nightclub, maybe to some house party with Double D's sister. The house party seemed to fall through, so we somehow reached the Kingdom consensus. While on the highway, a last minute decision was made to just do Hess again. Went to one of the many bars there, had a few drinks and I somehow gathered the courage to talk to a table of random girls. I must have sat with them for over a half hour, easily beating the over/under that I had been given. I believe they all had boyfriends and don't think they would have been interested in me anyways, but I'm still amazed I took that first step. Good for me. Bertmos drove us all home in my car (I was not in driving shape). A boisterous 'Hey Jude' sing-along wrapped it all up in the car. Fun times.

So why am I still miserable today?

1. I need sex. Now. If I don't get laid soon, I am going to go insane. Really, I'm half-way there. I am losing my mind. A girlfriend would be nice and take care of the sex thing too (on a regular basis, no less). Just from hearing about people and their various exploits has made this very clear. I need to find someone. I can't wait any longer, no more of this "it happens when it happens" bullshit. I am so very sick of that. If I can find Mrs. Right, fantastic. If not, Mrs. Right-Now will do. I need something and I need it now. And I just don't know how to get it. I know I should feel good about talking to random women as a step in the right direction, but even if they were nice to me, I just never get that vibe, that “I’m interested in you” vibe. Maybe women will see me as a nice guy (which I like to think I am), but they just don’t ever see me LIKE THAT. I hate it. And don't judge me because much of my depression stems from the fact that I can't get laid, after all, I'm sure you're in much better shape than I am.

2. I am still totally and utterly hung up over her. Despite all that I was told on Wednesday, I am. Maybe more than ever. She doesn't even talk to me at all. Not sure what I did wrong. I was never anything but nice to her. Fine, maybe she doesn't see me in the same way that I see her. No one ever seems to. I probably came on too strong, I realize that now. I tend to do that a lot. I'm sure my desperate state has a lot to do with that. But I've even been rejected as a friend. That stings, big time. It makes me feel like there really is something wrong with me. Someone that I really like (for reasons I can't explain) wants nothing to do with me. I'm just not good enough, I guess. Why do people (women really) hurt me like this, time and time again? Why don't they want me? Why am I not good enough? They never even give me a chance. Not sure why, but someone called her from the backseat last night. Don't know the reasons for the call, maybe just drunken mischief. Heavy D spoke to her, used my name. Double D called back to apologize, take the blame. He's a good guy. I wish I could have spoken to her. I was thinking of calling to apologize myself. I know I had nothing to do with it, but it still would have been a good excuse to call. I guess it's too late now. In the end, it really doesn't matter.


Blogger Del Fuego said...

First, kudos on the blog spam, that's the worst case I've ever seen.

Beynd that...dude. You lament your own existence for the most shallow reasons I've ever heard. I'm not going to read over the whole blog here again or anything but it seems your whole depressing atmosphere, in your mind, is linked to fucking. You're depressed because you can't get laid. Well la-di-fuckin da, man. Hate to be more of a downer but so what?

People have mentioned it on here before, about all the horribly godforsaken shit that goes on in the world and you will not stop crying about how girls don't want you. For a spell I tried to be encouraging but you're like a dog that needs one of those collars so it won't bite its own stitches, you just don't learn and you don't understand.

I've read comments on here from some good and decent people who clearly have gotten fed up with some of your shit and tried to put you in place once or twice, and a plethora of encouraging remarks and what happens? You post the same thing like 3 times a week.

I can turn on CNN right now and watch people walk down streets past corpses in New Orleans, or dudes blowing up other dudes in Iraq, nuclear proliferation in N Korea and China, genocide and disease in Africa, the poor right here at home and then bang! There's you, borderline suicidal for lack of pussy? Are you fucking kidding me?

I dunno who put it in your head that you need to have sex to fulfill some life dream but cut that shit out. We all like sex, some people may be out, right now, fucking 3 women at the same time and all of them are the nastiest, kinkiest, hottest chicks you'll ever see but oh well, that's what that guy has and this is what you have. You don't wanna believe people when they say someone will come along for you, then get a friggin hooker and I'm not even kidding. If sex means that much to you and jerking off is not cutting it, then pay.

If you're depressed due to lack of companionship or whatever other touchy feely somehow less shallow reasons you can come up with, then you need to take the time to figure out what the fuck it is about you that you think is wrong before you ever expect anyone to want to have anything to do with you. If you can't be happy with yourself you can't be happy with someone else. Another person should compliment you, not complete you. That's Jerry Maguire sitcom bullshit and it's the weak supporting the weak. If you can't be happy alone then that's a personal deal not an interpersonal one and you should seriously sit down and just think about it. Don't think about why no one else likes you, think about why you don't like you. None of this I'm ugly, i'm boring, yadda yadda yadda, all that reflects out.

Now you're left with 2 options, you either find out what it is about you you don't like or you find nothing. Find something? Fix it. Find nothing, then you can clear that muddled shit out of you head that says something is wrong with you, stop speculating why other people don't respond to you the way you want, cuz guess what, some people are dicks, neurotic, unpredicatable, have their own shit to deal with and/or right insane and then just move the hell on.

You need to go to therapy, you need to anger Tom Cruise and take drugs to help keep your ass stable, then jump on that shit cuz if it's what you need, then there's no good excuse not to do it and don't talk yourself into some bullshit excuses to not do it. Everyone talks themselves into doing or not doing all manner of things, your head is your own worst enemy and if you know what you're saying to yourself is bad shit then keep telling yourself what's right. It does work, stupid as it sounds, and it's a damn good way to work up will power when you think you have none.

Finally, since I've been a bit of a prick up to this point, I'll keep it up with one last bit. You feel sorry for yourself constantly. If you're like this in person, then yes, that is the problem. No "maybe" about it, none of this speculation that girls like guys with confidence, I wonder if that's it stuff. Yes, absolutely, that's it. No one wants you cuz you're like this and you're like this cuz no one wants you. It's a fun circle and the only one getting you out of it is you, not this mystery woman you keep waiting for. Odds are a lot better she'll be there once you get out of your shit, not before. Work on that or keep repeating the same thing over and over again, it's up to you.

Sorry for bein harsh, but I felt like someone had to say it.

September 04, 2005 3:54 AM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

Yes, you are right in several respects. Am I being petty? Sure. Sometimes human beings are petty. I think all of us can be. Are there people out there suffering more than I? Of course. I would encourage anyone who reads this to donate whatever they can to the Red Cross to aid relief efforts in New Orleans and surrounding areas.

Now, in my defense, this is my blog and it's my way of dealing with shit, getting it off my chest, so to speak. Does it help? I really don't know. Sure, I do tend to repeat myself a lot, but I'm just expressing how I feel at the time. I know I'm a downer, I know I'm a whiner and I really do wish I could change that. I am trying. Sometimes I can control it, other times, not so much. I know it's not an attractive trait, in any case.

I was not always so mopey, at least not outwardly so. It really is a fairly recent thing. I mean, sure, I had moments in the past, but my severe depression is a fairly recent development. Is it linked to a lack of sex? It's very possible. I wasn't nearly as much of a downer in the past as I am now. Yeah, I've never been very confident with the ladies and have always been rather shy when dealing with them, but my luck was still extremely limited. Even shy guys do okay once in a while. I was okay with the fact that I couldn't seem to get anyone for a long time, but I guess it just hit a breaking point.

I know people of both sexes who go INSANE and complain openly if they haven't had sex in a month. It's been A LOT longer than that for me. Like I said, yes, it is petty. I wish it didn't drive me nuts, but I just can't help it. And I really don't want a hooker. I want someone who actually wants to be with me, even if it's only for a night. I just want to be wanted, like anyone else.

Anyways, thanks for the lengthy comment, I always do appreciate any feedback. I'm stubborn and sometimes it takes a while for things to get through.

September 05, 2005 5:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo Man, not that it matters, but "she" sent me an email saying that she wasn't mad.

Other than that, I think friday night was a step in the right direction in terms of confidence building.

At least you do not drink yourself drunk every night of the week since you been back in the Hammer. That's all I gotta say about that.

(heart) Dave aka Double D

September 05, 2005 6:17 PM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

At least "she" sends you emails at all...


She must really hate me...

September 05, 2005 6:36 PM  

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