Friday, May 11, 2007

My utter personal collapse, online for all to read!

Wow, things really are just falling off the rails...although I think my mood has stabilized somewhat in the last few days, I could just as easily fall apart again at any moment. One big thing or a few little things could trigger it I'm sure. I'm miserable while at home and out in public things aren't any better. No matter where I am, I'm unhappy, my head filled with thoughts of just how much I hate myself. 26 years old, still living at home, crappy car, no girl and with no chance to ever get one. Still have another year of university left and then what? Some bright future? I'm becoming more and more confident that it'll just have been a waste of four years and thousands of dollars. I hate my job, so I find another one. And of course I'm terrified of it. I start tomorrow and I'm as scared as hell about it. Not to mention it's making me even more unhappy. I never go out and on the rare occasions I do, it only serves to make me even sadder than I was before. That everyone else is having fun and that I'm incapable of it is nearly unbearable. I mean, it really hurts. The pretty girls, wearing less and less with the warmer weather don't make things easier. Or happy couples. I'm not sure which hurts more.

I thought that when I went to the hospital earlier this week, I might get some help. How foolish I was to think that. There really is no help for me, is there? Spent a few hours there, talked to various people (nurses, doctors, crisis workers), lay on some sort of cot that I found strangely comfortable, gave blood and urine samples, ate some hospital food and was sent home. Something about them not having an available space and that it's better than I work through things with my own therapist who knows me better after all. Saw him today and was pretty honest with him. Gonna try switching over to a new medication. What else is there that can be done though? Nothing is going to be able to convince me that I'm a worthwhile person, that I have anything going for me or ever will. So honestly don't know how much longer I'm going to last. Truthfully I might not make it through the summer. I'm writing this at work right now (old work) and am just a nervous fucking wreck. I'm shaking, biting my nails down the quick, having to stop myself from breaking down every so often and becoming morose whenever a hot girl walks by...there was one sitting at the bar and though I couldn't stop looking at her, I was just hoping she would leave. I'll never have her or anyone like her. So it's just torture, sheer torture.

So the new job I start tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to manage. In a way it seems as though it might be better, seeing as though it will be busier and thus giving me less chance to stew. But I'll have co-workers and customers to deal with. Having to learn new things, paying attention and interacting with people. I don't know if that's possible for me to do right now. I just want to crawl back into bed and not leave. I'm just so very tired all the time and have no desire to do anything. The one good thing about not really having any friends is that I'm not able to score any more yayo...if I could, I'm sure I would right now. A drink or two will have to suffice.


Blogger Andrea said...

Hey Mike - You should know that you are a very worthwhile person. I know me telling you doesn't really help, but it had to be said. I wish there was some way I could convince you, because if you could get to a feeling of self worth I think you would find that a lot of other things in your life (career, romance, etc.) would fall into place on their own naturally.

May 12, 2007 4:00 PM  
Blogger Nicky said...

Hi Mike - have you ever considered video games? Seriously, put all that effort into joining a game like World of Warcraft and meet some people and have some FUN instead of thinking about your life (which is not that bad)?

If you need any recommendations let me know.

May 14, 2007 2:59 PM  
Blogger KatieG said...

send me an email. i'd like to respond to some of your recent posts out of the public realm. its on my blogger profile.

i hope you're doing better.

May 14, 2007 11:15 PM  
Blogger Kid Icarus said...

Andrea : That is very kind of you, thanks. Coming from someone like you, it means a lot or at least it should if I could convince myself that it's true. You're probably right, but everytime I try to talk myself into thinking I'm something special, it seems to backfire.

Nick : I don't know, I'm just not really into them and never have been. A little sometimes, I suppose. Zelda and baseball games. But all I own is a Gamecube anyways. Besides, I've found I stink at most games and often times my failure at them makes me more unhappy. I don't know if I see it as a social thing for me, just my own personal thing.

Katie : Will do. Thanks, I'm doing so-so at the moment, but owing to my mercurial nature, one never knows how I'll be tomorrow.

May 15, 2007 12:27 AM  

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