Friday, May 18, 2007

"Your luck has been completely changed today"

Or at least so it said in my fortune cookie, after eating disgusting mall quality Chinese food. Not only has nothing changed for me so far as I can tell, the "meal" has left me with quite the upset stomach. I guess the Orient is conspiring against me as well.

Eric Clapton's "Cocaine" just came on the radio as I sit here at work (old work). I kid you not. Ah, how I still wish I had some. But one really needs to have friends in order to have any 'connections' and it doesn't seem like I have either. So all I'm left with is my copy of Achtung Baby, my American Express card and my old rolled up twenty. What am I supposed to do with 'em now? Might as well cash in my US currency, even though it's not doing so strongly at the present. Still, I don't have much need for it and I could use the money in my account.

Ever since that one night...Was it just a lousy combination of things or was it inevitable that I'd have felt the way I do sooner or later? I mean something would have triggered it eventually...but as bad, I don't know. My muffler falling off as I pulled into bar parking lot was a bad omen and I'd probably have been best off getting back in my vehicle and driving all the way back home. But I soldiered on…of course she was there, just as I knew she would be. It’s still not easy. I really don’t care to see her again, too many painful memories. Of course there is a side of me that does want to, but I think I’m at the point now where I recognize that it’s just sheer torture. Last time she was pretty decent to me, which was nice. At least I didn’t feel like a total loser. Wasn’t the case this time. She was cold. I barely got a ‘hey’ as a greeting and she didn’t even seem to pay any attention to me singing. I noticed because she was sitting right in front of me as I was up there. Then again, I can’t blame her. No one seemed to care. Not only was I the bathroom break, I was a total show-killer. It was rough. And unlike last time, where I know I was off-key and just didn’t have it, I think I did very well this time. I truly do think I nailed "Drive" by The Cars, one of my favorite songs. I almost wish I had tanked it…it really is hard when you do your best and it’s still not good enough. And that’s exactly how I felt. And still sort of feel. The fellas were very kind in trying to convince me otherwise, but I saw the place empty. Maybe it’s just best I retire. I just don’t think I have it, whatever it is. I used to think I had at least something, but now…I’m not so sure.

Don’t know why I wrote about that two weeks after the fact. It just popped into my head for whatever reason. I guess I was trying to pinpoint the exact moment everything just went to pot. I felt like hell and even after bombing I still didn’t go home. I drove out to the party / club district (whatever it is) and got even more depressed. Lots of young people having fun, attractive ladies, all the sort of shit that makes things even worse. Lord I felt hideous. And it’s no one’s fault but my own. I do so wish that I could have fun and that just once in a while I could do something well. Just to feel like a success. Oh how I long to be a someone.

I have no idea where this all came from. I started this post earlier on while at work and finished it up just now. I was planning on writing about a certain form of discrimination that I recently received as a conservative and about on conversation I had many years ago concerning waste disposal in the wild. But they will wait until tomorrow or the weekend. I’ll have plenty of time to write…outside of working, not like I have any sort of plans.


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