My year

Man, I did a lot of complaining in 2005. Perhaps more than in any other year. But if I step back and look back at it objectively, was this really a bad year? Honestly, if I'd asked myself this question two months ago, I'd likely have said "no". But here we are with only a few hours left in '05 and I'm not looking to 2006 with a lot of optimism. Why is that? Well, you'll have to read on. This is going to be a pretty complicated entry to write; I'm not really sure how to format it. Hopefully as I'm writing something will have fallen into place.

1. Higher Learning: Though I went back first part-time and then full-time in 2004, I finished my first full year of university in 2005. Despite my total lack of focus and frequent late night freak-outs, I finished the year with a very respectable 3.1 or B average. Much better than I would have ever thought. The only downside was the fact that I really hadn't made any friends at school. That was May. Flash forward to now. My marks are down considerably. I don't know what all of them are, but we're looking at a C- average right now at best. Maybe worse. If the Christmas break didn't come when it did, I think I'd have had a complete breakdown. I am NOT looking forward to returning in January. This plus the fact I still have no friends there.

2. Girls, Girls, Girls: In late 2004, I think I went on my first date in like a year and a half. It didn't go well, but 2005 went much better on that front. True, most of them didn't get beyond a first date either, but at least I had quite a few kicks at the can. With one exception, they were all people I'd met over the internet (I'll talk about that exception later). I'm still not able to talk to girls in 'real life' sadly. Still, internet girls are better than no girls and not all dates are going to work out well. At least I got out there and was active on the dating front. I even ended my rather lengthy no-sex streak. And yet I'm still not to optimistic about my prospects for 2006. Out of all the girls I went out with this year, I only slept with one of them. And if I'm to be completely and brutally honest, she was easily one of the least impressive, both physically and personality wise. There were many others that I had a lot more interest in, just they didn't have any in me. So I had to settle. Right now, I don't really have any prospects. Things have really cooled on the internet dating front. I guess I'm just losing interest and patience with the whole thing. Plus the whole lack of a car thing doesn't make that as easy as it once was. I don't know where or how else to meet women. So for now...I got nothing going on.

3. Driving me crazy: Now, I know plenty of people who don't have a car or don't drive at all. They all survive. I don't know if I'll be able to. You see, I went from the high of finally getting my full G licence in August to the low of being declared uninsurable in November. For me, November 26 may be the worst day of the year for me. Things weren't exactly going great for me on a number of fronts (school, girls, friends) and this just seemed like literally nothing was going my way. I actually spent the whole next day in bed I was so depressed. Contrast this with August 10. I felt really great upon passing that bloody test, like I did something right. Not only did I feel good about that accomplishment, but also it sort of cemented my freedom to go pretty much anywhere, whenever I wanted. No more road tests to worry about. A car that's mine to drive. Having that taken away really stings. It probably wouldn't be so bad, if I were cooler, but I'm not. Maybe if I were better looking and didn't live at home, I might have a chance. But as is, do you think anyone would want to go out with me? I'll be honest, I don't think I would go out with a guy without a car.

4. In need of a life: I've never had a lot of friends. There was a period towards the end of high school where I was pretty popular, but other than that, it hasn't been easy trying to find things to do. It's a broken record, but for the first part of the year, things were okay on that front. D-Roc was always there to hang out with. Bertmos was around for the first part of the year. Marty Boy was often good for a few drinks at Canyon Creek on Thursday nights. Other folks were around at various points or throughout the summer. I even made a couple of new friends, Starbucks Girl and Blondie. Not like I was really going out and having a crazy good time, but at least I could find things to do, once in a while. But now, things aren't so hot on this front. There was a good stretch there for a long time that I would go out at least one of Friday or Saturday every week, often more. Lately, I am not doing anything. I went out for lunch with Beer about a week ago. He goes back to Montreal today. Played pool with Blondie the other night. She works every day, so I don't hang out with her much either. And I rather dislike all of her friends. Starbucks Girl works every night until very late. D-Roc, my most reliable partner in crime, is gone to Japan. Marty Boy has a real job and a girl. Besides, he's not much of a party animal, truth be told. I pretty much spend every night in. This wasn't the case last Christmas break. I had things to do. But I really have no options these days. There's no one around who calls me and I'm usually too scared to call (even if I had someone to call). But I'm pretty much out of options. Where do I make friends? Through other friends, usually. But if I have no friends...what am I to do? "Picking up" a friend is probably a lot harder than picking up a date. There's always Lavalife for a date, but how am I to 'pick up' a guy as a friend? Going up to a girl sitting somewhere at school is acceptable (though terrifying), but to do so to another dude, let's say? That's a bit weird. I need friends. I always say I have no friends, which is only partly true. Sure, I do have friends. But they're not around. I need people to hang out with, on a consistent basis. I need something to do. Or I'm going to go insane from loneliness. This is much worse than not having a girl.

5. A look at the blog: I think I'm glad I started the blog. I think I have Daphne and TMWNN to thank for my entry into the world of blogging. Two good folks. I don't really talk to TMWNN anymore, sadly. I've known the guy since high school, but I don't think we're friends anymore. I'm still not really sure as to why he doesn't talk to me anymore, but it does make me a bit sad. I'd be hard pressed to find something bad to say about him. Daphne and I actually met only once (yes, it was a date). The date actually went pretty well, I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Again, nothing bad to be said about her at all. Not only is she a total sweetheart, she's also uber-foxy. My only complaint is that she never blogs anymore. A shame. As for my own depressing blog, it was interesting to go back through all the entries this year. It's really been a great emotional outlet for me, though I hate re-reading some of the more depressing entries. Half of them, I don't even remember why I was so down at the time. There have been a lot of entries I really like. Out of all of them, this one is my favourite. I think it's me at my storytelling best. Others stirred up more debate, but I don't think any others were as well written.

6. Person of the Year: I never really blogged about her that much. By the time I started this blog, whatever relationship we had was already pretty much over. But for better or worse she has easily had the greatest impact on my life this year. The only girl that I met outside of internet dating this year, I met her through a band that was in. We first 'hung out' sometime in early February. No sex was had, though we did fool around a little. I saw her 3 times after that, the last time in mid-March. I actually sent her flowers for her birthday not long after that. Maybe a mistake. The emails stopped shortly thereafter. I was told not to worry about her, she wasn't worth it, she had issues, etc. Yet I have never spent so much time thinking about someone. I really don't know why. Though we were certainly never in any sort of relationship, this was my first anything in a long time. That might be part of it, I don't know. But I felt special, I really did. She would send me random emails, usually very lengthy, just about her day, what she was up to, etc. For no reason other that to say 'hi'. That made me feel nice. Like someone was thinking about me. No one had ever done that before. But like I said, it was all over and done with pretty quickly. I was probably too aggressive. I should have just tried to be her friend, step back from other feelings. Maybe that scared her off. I tried to apologize for all that stuff and play up the friend angle, but it was probably too late. She didn't seem to want to have anything to do with me. I hadn't heard from her in months up until Christmas Day. She sent me an email (see last entry). It made me miserable about her all over again. I thought I was over it. I was wrong. I have no one else in my life, so I think about her. And mostly I fill my head with thoughts that I just wasn't good enough for her.

7. A look forward: And now for 2006. I really don't know what to think. For whatever reason, on New Year's Eve last year, I felt good about 2005. I actually said this to my pal Marty Boy. Maybe it was the booze talking, but I was actually optimistic. I accomplished some things. I survived year one of university. I got the stupid licence. Went out on a few dates, had sex for the first time in two years. But I don't know how to feel about this upcoming year. School ain't going great and the realization that I still have two and a half years of it to go is sinking in. That's two and a half years before I'm going to have a real life (at least). I got no car, got no girl, got no friends. What am I supposed to do? I mean, I can work hard and turn my marks around. Fine, one good thing can happen. Buying a car will be expensive. I'm going to start actually feeling a money crunch for the first time in a long time. I'm going to have to find a way to make more money somehow. The cigar store won't cut it. Between school and car, I don't think moving out is a realistic option. Internet dating is pretty much dead, at least until I have a car. What other dating options are there? They probably all involve going out with friends and meeting people. I don't have friends to begin with, so how am I going to go out? Make friends you say? How do I make new friends without old friends though? I really don't know. It scares me. What if I do go and talk to someone randomly at school, we hit it off and they invite me out for drinks. "Bring some friends,” they say. Whoops, I don't have anyone to bring. This happened before with the karaoke party. It didn't go well. This one person I don't really know can't be expected to devote all their attention to just me. With no car, no friends, no girl, I have this sneaky feeling I'm going to be spending a lot time sitting at home at night, just me and Bobo.

So that's it. I really don't know what else to say. Thanks to every one who reads this and has read it over the past year. Hope you all have a great New Year. I'm off to have a shit load of fun (ha!) at some cottage with a bunch of happy couples. So that's it. Take care.

Holiday mischief

That special holiday I love, oh so much, is finally over. I guess it wasn't really so bad in retrospect. Working during the Christmas season usually gets me down, but it wasn't so bad this year, despite working almost every day. For whatever reason, the atmosphere was pretty good. I still dreaded it, but I didn't ever feel like killing myself rather than come in. What little shopping I had to do went pretty smoothly. I got some nice things, not like there's really much I need (other than more money). I know people who had worse Christmases than I did. My aunt (through marriage) has barely seen her two oldest daughters (my step-cousins) in a year. One day they pretty much packed up all their stuff and moved it to their dad's. On Christmas Day, they came over for literally five minutes, opened their presents and left. That must make my aunt feel pretty sad. Not cool. I have another friend who had to work all day (3-11) on Christmas day. She works as a motel clerk. Motels stay open all year round. She has to work the same shift New Year's Eve and day. Poor girl, I feel terrible for her, I really do. It rather ruined her Christmas.

After spending the first part of the day at my uncle's, we were off to a family friend's house. Same thing every year. I really don't mind, it's certainly better than doing nothing. Things were okay at first. Lots of good food (love mom's mashed potaters) and wine. I certainly had LOTS of wine. Everything went downhill for me sometime around seven or eight when I hopped on their computer (it was on and in the living room) just for a quick check of my email. On Christmas Eve I sent out an email to a buncha people, wishing them a good Christmas and safe New Year. I'm sure many of the people who read this also received it. I've never sent such a greeting, but for some reason I just felt like doing so this year. And out of all the people who I sent it to, she has to reply. She writes me this:


Thanks for the email, that was very nice of you.

I wish you and your family the very best as well. Have a good Christmas and New Year, hope all is well?! Be good and stay safe!

Take care and best wishes,

-Her


I know it shouldn't have, but it just made me instantly miserable. I haven't heard from her in months and didn't think I ever would have again. In a way, I wish I hadn't. Just another reminder of how lonely I am and how once, for a very brief time, I was actually happy. It just doesn't seem like I ever will be again. I DO need someone else to make me happy. Maybe that makes me a bad person or a weak person. I don't know. But on my own, I'm just not feeling it. It all went downhill from there. Our hosts' son's hot girlfriend came over. Hot girls make me feel really sad. This guy is a few years younger than I. He's never been to university, never seemed liked the sharpest knife in the drawer. Plus, he's a rather big (i.e. fat) guy. Yet he has a hot girlfriend, lives on his own, has his own car and is talking about buying a house. I'm sure he has lots of friends as well. How depressing. There really must be something wrong with me. Every little thing seems to conspire against me to make me miserable.

Afterwards, my sister went out with her friends. I don't have anyone to go out with, so I just stayed home and drank some more. I think the only time I enjoy my own company is when I'm drinking. Maybe I'm developing a drinking problem. Oh well. For anyone who still reads this, I'll be back with my "2005: In Review" next entry. Should be fun...

Almost done with all of this

Man, I really, really hate Christmas. It is damn depressing. I'm working pretty much all day, every day. Not like I have anything better to do. But it is starting to drive me insane. I'll be glad when I have at least a day or two to relax at home and wallow in my own misery. At least lots of people are visiting me at work while in the midst of their shopping. Everyone from Beer to Marty-Boy to Hot Russian Girl (whom I haven't seen in ages) to lots of random people I haven't seen in ages. Nice that at the very least people are kind enough to say 'hi'. I may not have friends, but at least I have some well-wishers. Better than nothing.

So as it turns out, I do have at least one New Year's invite, that being courtesy of my oldest friend Marty-Boy. He and his lady friend are renting a cottage somewhere and they're trying to 'fill it up' as it were. So far it's those two, her sister & boyfriend and another old friend of ours and his 'partner'. The cottage will have a hot tub, which is nice, but the prospect of spending it with nothing but couples is so damned depressing. But I really have nothing else to do. No one else is going to invite me anywhere, so what choice do I have?

A really cute girl came in the store today. It being a cigar store, not many do and the few who do enter are usually shopping for a boyfriend. This one did. I don't know why, but cute girls make me really depressed. My female co-workers insisted she was being flirty, but I don't believe it. She said she was shopping for her boyfriend, why would she flirt with some jerk at a cigar store? I guess they make me depressed because I see them and none of them want anything to do with me....I can never have them. It sucks.

I'm going to leave you all with a nice early Christmas present. It's my reading of Oscar Wilde's lovely short story, The Selfish Giant. I've uploaded it as a zip file to my webspace, you can download it by right-clicking here. Make sure to 'save target as'. It unpacks as a Wave file, as the conversion to mp3 was unsuccessful. Enjoy, let me know what you think and I hope it's not too stupid sounding.

What Christmas?

Sorry for the lack of blogness lately, I've been working pretty much every day for the last ten days. I want to write something, but I'm just not inspired lately either. The whole Christmas season is really sapping my will to live. I'm actually writing this at work during a slight lull in business, with my co-worker Kathy standing over me eating some disgusting yogurt-type meal. She requested a mention in the blog and I'm kind enough to oblige.

This might just be the worst Christmas ever. I'm not kidding. I'm working every bloody day from now until Christmas, pretty much all day long. No shopping has been done, other than a new bed that I got for Bobo. Not like I really have many people to shop for. Mum, Dad, Sis, my boss, my friend Blondie and that's about it. I guess the one benefit of not having any friends is not having to worry about what to get them for Christmas. Christmas day is bound to be awkward as always. Imagine living in a house with your two parents who hate each other and don't speak. Good times.

And then there's New Year's. I look forward to that even less. Having absolutely nothing to do and nowhere to go isn't fun. The prospect of spending it alone really stinks. Amazingly, last year it was actually okay, despite the fact I didn’t really do anything fun. Just went with by pal Marty Boy and another of his friend’s to this girl’s place. They’re now dating. Good for them. It was just a very small gathering, but I smoked a nice cigar, went down to Nathan Phillips Square and was just filled with a great sense of optimism about the coming year. And for the first nine or ten months…things were pretty good. I mean serious ups and downs, but over all things were going well. But now, I just don’t know. This isn’t a very happy holiday for me. And I don’t know how I’m feeling about ’06 yet. We’ll see. But I’ll leave all this for my year end post…look forward to it folks. It’ll be a good one, I promise.

I have too much free time

So I'm backing up files on my computer the other day (after the scare of losing everything) and I come across an old list of songs. It seems a while back I was working on the ultimate list of the top 100 songs of the 80's in response to a list someone (either The Colonel or TMWNN) had emailed around. I guess I felt like I could compile a better list, but I never finished it. Until now. Having very little to do these days, I've finally finished my list of the 100 greatest songs of the 1980's. Only songs released between 1980 and 1989 are included, of course. I've tried to be as inclusive as possible, but all artists are not equal. Some have more than one track (in one case, five) on the list. I've tinkered around with the rankings as best as I could, so it's pretty in order. Of course this list is totally subjective to my musical tastes (mostly pop/rock) and is certainly open for debate and discussion. Some songs I've omitted out of personal preference, others I may have totally forgotten about. You can see the list by clicking here. Enjoy.

Maybe I'm just paranoid...or not.

I was going to post something fun and amusing, but I just don't feel like it now. Long, excruciating day at work. And I have to go right back tomorrow. That's fine. That's life. What really makes me miserable is that it's a Friday night and as usual, I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to be with. It stinks.

Then I read the last comment on the previous post:

aren't you getting drunk tonight with us somewhere in toronto?

sweet!

(heart) D***

Apparently not. Whatever was going on, no one invited me. This seems to happen to me a lot. Certainly not D***'s fault. He was trying to cheer me up. But I can name so many instances when people have neglected to call me or invite me out, whether it be to see a movie or go out drinking, whatever. This dates back to far before I was all miserable and depressing. Even nowadays, I sure can be a pill sometimes, but I'm not always that bad.

Whatever, this was nothing. Even if it wasn't, thinks like this have happened so many times. I wonder if I'm just easily forgotten or purposely left out? Given those two choices, which is worse? I'm sure I can say.

If I'm in a better mood tomorrow, I'll do the fun post. But for now, I'm off to drink myself stupid, all by my lonesome. What a blast.

As of midnight tomorrow, my life is over.

Yes, whatever semblance of a social life I had, ends tomorrow. As of December 16th, I am no longer insured to drive "my" car. You see, due to the fact I've gotten two speeding tickets, the company will no longer insure me. The car which I had, is actually owned by my father, purchased under his name and insured under his name. Really, I'm just the driver. He is listed as primary driver and my sister and I are secondary. Or now, she is. So it's her car now. I am not insured to drive anything. I could buy my own car and find insurance elsewhere, but I really don't know how costly that would be. Almost certainly more than I can afford.

Now I know that a lot of people don't have cars, but for me it's a greater setback than most in regards to any sort of social aspect. Most people have many friends and can easily score rides. Not me. Failing that, they live in the city and have access to a large mass transit system. Most of their friends live close as well. Not so for me. I mean, if I were cooler, more attractive, more fun, more popular, I could get away with it. But I'm not. Having access to a car was at least one thing I had going for me. Now what do I have? Not much.

So, it's over. My social life, which had long been on life support, is now terminated. Not like I really had many places to go, but still what few things I did have to do, are now kaput. Doing anything with my friend Blondie? Not going to happen anymore. She doesn't drive. Having the ability to go to something like that karaoke party a few weeks back? Not really even an option anymore. I guess I'll still be able to have drinks with Marty Boy every now and then and talk football, but that's about it. How sad. I'm not even going to get into what this will do in regards to dating. No one's going to want to go out with some loser who doesn't drive. Yes, I'm sure few women would admit to that, but by and large, I know it's the truth. If I lived on my own, fine. Not such a big deal. Now I'm a loser who doesn't drive and lives at home. If I were 16 this would be acceptable, but not at 24. If I were female, it wouldn't really be a problem. Sorry, but there is a double standard here, like it or not. This really is emasculating. And just the sheer logistics of it. I mean, I meet a girl on the internet, let's say. She lives in Hamilton let's say. Only a 25-30 minute drive. But how would I get there now? Exactly.

24 years old...living at home...no car, no friend, nothing going on. What a catch. Sorry about the miserable post. I just feel so worthless now. I'll try and post something amusing tomorrow.

A long, cold, bleak winter

School is finally out for the semester, I'm done failing for now. Seriously, things ain't going so well there. I'm really going to have to turn it around second semester if I'm to make a respectable showing this year. After doing much better than expected last year, my progress so far has been a disappointment in the 2005-06 session. I think I totally bombed every end of term test. Not good. Plus, a paper that I turned in two days late was somehow time stamped as being four days late. So instead of losing 6%, I lost 12. There's no way to prove that I did hand it in when I did. Man, that really pissed me off.

So I now have a full month off...great. Lots of time to think (never a good thing). Besides that, Christmas is hardly my favourite time of year. It should be a happy time for family and friends, but again, I really don't have many friends to spend the holiday with and my family is severely disfunctional. Having a mother and father who live in the same house and despise each other isn't fun. I mean, they don't speak. Christmas under such circumstances isn't exactly a joyous time. For certain, things could be much worse. I could be on the streets. It's not bad, so much as it's painfully awkward.

Speaking of awkward, I went out for drinks with that girl I've sort of been seeing last night. She doesn't say anything, ever. I mean, I just have to keep talking and talking, telling useless stories just to sustain any sort of conversation. I have nothing in common with her. I had every intention of 'breaking up' with her last night, but just couldn't seem to find the back-bone to do it. I'm such a coward. I have nothing to talk to her about. She doesn't work, doesn't go to school, doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I'm really not that attracted to her. And yet I'm too much of a coward to end it. I was hoping to just sort of have it trail off, slowly lose touch, but I don't know if that will work. That plan might have worked okay, except on the way home, she starts crying in the car. I have no idea why. Maybe she sensed things weren't going well or maybe it was just something unrelated. So I feel bad. Instead of breaking up with her, what do we do? Yeah. Take a guess. I've never regretted doing that before, but I sure did this time. Shoot, I hate to say this, but I really think I can do better than her. I hate to be so mean, but it's just how I feel.

Got my computer back from the shop. Not a big deal, after all. My hard drive is intact, which is a nice thing. So some good news there. Football is on, that always makes me happy. Nice to have a Sunday where I can just sit around, Bobo at my feet and watch some football. What else? Happy to see the Blue Jays make some serious moves this off season. I'm not going to get into the details, but as a huge Blue Jays fan, it's nice to see the team committed to winning again. I'm really optimistic about the '06 season.

Oh and on the last day of class, after my film tutorial the cute red headed girl turned to me as she was leaving and wished me a happy holiday (or something along those lines). I don't think she said anything to anyone else. She also sat next to me in tutorial, when I guess she could have sat anywhere. We chat a bit during these tutorials, but there's never really a chance to talk there. It's class time. I never see her hanging around between classes or sitting anywhere. How am I supposed to further the conversation? I mean, what am I supposed to do, follow her? That's a bit much. I'd like to talk to her, get to know her etc. How do I do this? Not so much what to say, but how to go about it, where and when? Any suggestions? Yes? No?

*sigh*

My neck hurts.

Blogless

My computer appears to have died. I'm typing this one of the computers at the school library. I knew that it was on its last legs, I suppose it was only a matter of time. I guess I'll take it in to see if it can be repaired, but we'll see what happens. I really hope I can salvage the hard drive. Even though I knew that it was going to go down soon, I failed to back stuff up. Idiot. Hopefully the problem isn't with the HD, but with something else. So that's it.

Today is the last day of class, which is nice. I don't know what this means. It's going to be a long, depressing Christmas break. I can feel it.

I lack focus

Tomorrow I have two tests and a paper due. The paper is maybe 1/5th of the way done and I've studied a little bit for one of the tests and not at all for the other. In fact, the other I have no idea as to what I'm doing. I'm totally lost in the course. Things are really not going well. On the upside, if I survive until Thursday, that's the end of classes for a full month. But then we have the Christmas season. I hate Christmas for so many reasons. I don't have to time to outline them all right now, but I might in the near future. It's an especially depressing time of year for me. I think the winter truly does depress me in general. I'm definitely a summer person, even though I hate the sun and the heat. Summer may make me uncomfortable, but certainly that's a whole lot better than borderline suicidal. Only four more months of this misery....

On a brighter note, I discovered this hilarious recording during one of my many random Wikipedia searches. Orson Welles is without a doubt, one of the most extraordinarily talented individuals ever to come out of Hollywood and yet, towards the end of his life he had resorted to doing garbage like Transformers: The Movie and a whole spate of commercials. Hollywood never appreciated him, he was way ahead of his time and truly, too good for them. But I digress. One of the many ads he did was for a brand of frozen peas. An audio clip of out-takes, featuring Welles' disgust at the quality of the ad, somehow still exists today. It's pretty funny and sort of sad at the same time to hear the man I consider the greatest singular talent to ever emerge from Hollywood reduced to doing this kind of stuff. I don't know how funny people will find it, but I think it's certainly worth a listen. I've uploaded it and posted a link to it here. Just in case you don't know, right click and 'save target as'.

This is sad. I could have spent this time writing or studying, but I've written this. It seems I'm able to do anything except for the task I'm supposed to do. I really have a problem concentrating. It ain't even funny anymore.

Alive, but barely

I had this entire post 95% done at the computer at work and then I accidentally hit this stupid button they have on the keyboard that just shuts the computer done. The whole thing was lost. I've never seen anything as stupid on any other keyboard. This really got me down. Everything does. I break a glass and it ruins my day. I wish I could change. I just don't have the strength. I guess I'll try and re-do the post. Now it feels all artificial. I guess I'll pretend this is all fresh.

Well, I suppose I feel a little better than I did over the weekend. I was really not well. I'm still not, but at least I'm able to post. This intro was longer, but forget it. Onto a numbered post.

1. Karaoke on Friday night went pretty much exactly as I (and Squirrely) thought it would. I showed up, wished her a happy birthday, sang a couple of songs, had a few drinks, pretty much sat by myself all night and then left. That was it. To her credit, the birthday girl was more than good about making sure I felt welcome, but she can only spend so much time with the loser who came by himself. Still, she was very sweet in not only inviting me, but also trying to make me feel like I was included. She introduced me to a few of her friends, several of which were rather hot. This is not to take anything away from birthday girl herself, she's rather fetching, though an ex of a close friend and attached. She requested something by Frank Sinatra and I obliged with “Strangers In The Night”. I did well enough, she seemed to like it at any rate. But giving a decent karaoke performance isn’t nearly enough to get anyone to want to talk to you, that’s for sure. Everyone else there knew someone else, so they really didn't have any need or desire to talk to me. If I were interesting or confident, maybe, but I’m neither. If someone really, truly wanted to talk to me, maybe once in a while, they’d come up to me. It happens to other shy people. But I guess I just don’t have anything to offer. So why would I go up to other people if they have no desire to come up to me? I just don’t know. On the upside, the Gladstone is a lovely establishment and I recommend it wholeheartedly to anyone with actual friends.

2. Saturday was not a good day. So much so that I spent pretty much the whole of Sunday in bed. I didn’t get up at all until 5:00 PM. Basically, without going into to agonizing detail, I can no longer drive. As the result of two speeding tickets, one legitimate, the other a horseshit cash grab, I am now uninsurable. I know this sounds so petty, but it really, really got me down. No one is going to want to be friends with someone who can’t get anywhere, that’s for damned sure. Maybe if I were more fun or interesting perhaps, but that’s just not the case. I won’t even get into the fact that NO one will want to go out with some loser who has to take the bus. Again, if I had anything of substance to offer, fine. But I just don’t. I can drive of course, it’s not like I don’t have a license, but again without going into major detail, it will be very expensive, more than I can realistically afford. This really makes me down, especially considering I just finally got my G license in August and felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders at that time. I though, okay at least this is one thing I’ll never have to worry about anymore. Something actually went well for me. Well, that something, like all other things lasted a very short while.

3. Cute red headed girl in my film classes talked to me on Monday. She tapped me on the shoulder as I was leaving class to ask me if I had notes from a tutorial she had missed. This made me feel good for about a millisecond. Then I snapped out of my delusion that she might want to be my friend and just wanted notes and I happened to be there and she recognized me as being in the same tutorial. I gave her my notes, she gave them back the next day. No, she didn’t write her number in them anywhere. I was stupid to have even checked for that. You’d think that I’d have an ‘in’ now, a reason to talk to her, be friendly and such. But I really don’t. Anything I say will likely come across as being wholly desperate and pathetic. What am I going to say beyond “Hey, so how do you think you did on that test”? I really have no clue. Even if I did have something clever to say, I just couldn’t do it. I have no self-confidence. I know this is all my fault. I wish I could change. But I just can’t do it. Every time there’s a situation like this, I think about it in my head and only negative thoughts come through. I am a loser, she won’t like me, no one likes me, etc. I want to stop these thoughts. But they’re there. I can’t make them go away.

4. School isn’t going well. I can’t focus at all. Instead of studying for a test, I play MVP Baseball 2005. If I lose a game, I get really down on my self, I question my self-worth. All this over stupid video baseball. My marks are starting to suffer. Man, I’m too old to be an undergraduate student. I should be beginning to have a real life, a real job at my age. I’m not saying making 80K a year, but at least on my way somewhere. I’m nowhere. And I have two more years to go. I will be 27 by the time I’m done. 27 by the time I even have a chance at starting to be someone. If I make it through. If I live that long. I’m sad all the time. I need things to start going my way, at least sometimes. I could maybe make them happen, if I weren’t always feeling this way. But I am.


This post was much better the first time through. I am so sorry.