Knowing when to give up

This will be the last post on "The World's Most Depressing Blog" for a while, maybe the last one ever. As far as I can ascertain, only one person reads this, God bless her heart. She likely does so out of pity, but it's better than nothing. So there really is no point. Also, I'm just far too depressed to bother posting. I could barely get out of bed this morning I was so sad. Really things are getting worse for me every day and they were pretty shitty to begin with.

It's for the best anyway. This whole thing is just a testament to what a self-absorbed jerk I am. All I ever do is talk about just how miserable I am and how much I hate my life. No one likes a whiner, I know. But this is just how I feel. If I could change my feeling, believe me I would. I hate feeling this way all the time. The drugs aren't helping, neither is the therapy. I don't know what else there is to do. I know that I have such a negative outlook and if I could just try and see things in a 'glass half full' frame of mind, I'd become a positive person and that would start some sort of chain reaction and maybe turn things around. But I just can't seem to think like that. I do try from time to time, but it's so very hard when I just feel so sad. Most people really have no sympathy for that. They angrily tell me to have a better attitude and things will start to turn around. But it just isn't that easy for me.

Looking at things objectively, it looks as though things aren't really so bad on the surface. I'm back in school, trying to better myself. I'm in good health. I have a roof over my head. I have a bit of money saved up. I'm intelligent, articulate and kind. I'm still only in my mid-twenties; I have many years ahead of me still. If you put all these things together, my life isn't so bad. Maybe I'm being selfish, but they're just not enough. I am just so fucking lonely. And it doesn't seem like there's a damned thing I can do about it. I've never had many friends and now most of the ones I had, have moved away or are just getting tired of me. And I really have no idea how to make new friends. I am painfully shy and utterly devoid of confidence. Sure I've been told of a few ways on how to meet new people, but it's just so hard for me to talk to strange people. It terrifies me really. But what terrifies me just as much is the prospect of being very lonely for a very long time. There's going to come a time, not too long from now, when I'm going to be spending every weekend at home by myself. It's a very depressing prospect. The biggest problem I have with trying to make new friends is the fact that I don't have any old ones. This makes me a loser. And who wants to befriend a friendless loser?

And this is only half of my loneliness. The thing that of course weighs heaviest on my mind is the fact that I can't find anyone to go out with. I have never been popular with the ladies at any point in my life. I'm sure much of this has to do with my total lack of confidence. Yes, I lack confidence. I’m sure a lot of guys do. Some are just confident people, who just 'go for it'. They're just born this way I suppose. Other guys aren't so lucky. They're shy and have trouble approaching women. I certainly fall into the latter category. Again, that's just how I am. "Confidence is sexy', yes I've heard it a thousand times. No one will like me until I like myself. Yes, I know that's true as well. I'm neither confidant, nor do I like myself, though I suppose I could try to fake it. I actually did that the other night (faking confidence) with a girl I met over Lavalife. Like everything else, it blew up in my face. She said that I was 'too forward' and stopped talking to me. I didn't say anything weird or offensive, I know that much. So it must be me. I guess it doesn't matter if I'm confident or self-deprecating; I'm just not likeable either way. Besides, it's becoming harder and harder to fake confidence.

Another problem is that I have no idea where to meet women. I hadn't tried for a long time prior to the beginning of this year. I've tried the internet dating, which sounds stupid, but I know for a fact that it works for a lot of guys. Few people respond to my ads and those that do either live miles away or lose interest quickly. Maybe I'm ugly, maybe I don't write the right things in my profile, I just don't know. Maybe I'm not direct enough with the ones I do 'meet'. But then I try to be confident guy and look what happens. Work isn't an option, seeing I work with only three other people. School is just too vast. I don't live downtown and I'm only there during classes. Besides, it's just so hard for me to go up to complete strangers. I tried picking up women at a bar recently. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to a single one. I was shaking. Again, I don't have many friends, so it doesn't look like I'm going to meet anyone that way. I can't remember the last party I was invited to. Joining a club or group of some sort just reeks of desperation (which is what I am). I think it would make me even more miserable. All these things are moot anyway. I'll just be rejected anyways (3 times in the last 24 hours). Besides, who wants to go out with a friendless loser anyway?

This is just becoming so hard. I can only pick myself up and dust myself off so many times. I know that I'm not attractive enough for women to come up to me off the streets. If anything is to happen, I have to make it happen. But I just don't know how to. It seems like I've hit rock bottom and instead of there being nowhere to go but up, out comes the drill, plowing its way to the core. I need a friend. I need someone to just take a chance on me. I've been told that it will happen, that things are bound to turn around one of these days. I want to believe that. But it's becoming harder to, every single day. Even when things do go well for me here or there, they're just illusions of happiness. I know that everyday can't be a good day, but all I ever seem to get are these teases. It feels like "Yes, something's going to happen!" and then it doesn't. That seems to happen a fair bit. I'm stupid for thinking that good things can happen to me. Somedays I go to bed happy, envisioning the best. But then the very next day, it all comes crashing down. So yes, I do try positive thinking sometimes. But it never pans out. So why even bother? Nothing good it seems, is ever going to happen to me. I need it to stick. I see happy couples everyday. I know not everyone is happy all the time, but it seems like everyone else has someone or did or will. Not me. I am just so very lonely.

So tired and cranky

Not a fun day. My co-worker called and said that she couldn't come in due to an 'emergency'. I didn't actually believe her, but as it turns out her grandfather is in the hospital. Though, I do believe this is the fourth time she's used this as an excuse (he probably lives at the hospital), I still feel bad for being so whiny about having to work all day (10-9). On top of that, my boss was there for almost four hours. Seeing as he's usually not, this wasn't a fun adjustment. Oh well.

Weekend was okay, saw that new Batman movie. It was truly excellent; a pleasant surprise. Saturday after the movie, I did sink to a new low in terms of me being a total gutless coward, without an ounce of self-confidence. I really don't want to get into it. It's really pretty sad.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday (joy). Yet another gift to buy! A friend just had one, plus father's day! It never ends, does it! Oh, the wedding! I forgot that too! Well, at least there I got rip-roaringly drunk.

So that's it. No one reads this anyway. Sigh.

*Update*

And now I feel even worse. The day has gotten worse. I don't even want to get into it. I feel like utter shit now. Why go into detail when no one even reads this? Why bother updating? Why bother posting?

I hate blogging

Honest to God, I have nothing to say. I mean, nothing ever happens to me. I wake up at noon, go to work at 4:00, come back, drink heavily (well, not that heavily) and go to bed. What excitement. I think I need to get out this weekend. Maybe I'll call a few of the old crew and get them together. We'll see. Man, my life sucks. And so does this post.

I am never drinking again

I think I had the same sentiment after the Jack & Jill party (i.e. the last place I went to with an open bar), but this time I mean it! Yes, the last time I injured myself badly while Russian dancing with the bride-to-be during "Rasputin" by Boney M (Thank God they didn't play it at the wedding). But this seemed to be even more of a mess.

The wedding itself was in a non-air conditioned church, which was killer on my silk shirt, what with the humidex hovering at something like 35. Still, it was a lovely ceremony.

The reception....oh my. It was at a lovely hall, we all got chopsticks to take home (cool!) and they had a bitchin' dry-ice machine! The menu was mostly meat, so I knew I'd have little to eat, but again, open bar! Little to eat + open bar = disaster? What do you think?

I spent much of the early part complaining about the lack of stuff for me to eat and very clumsily flirting with S (while her boyfriend was sitting on her opposite side). I'm sure he would have been more upset if there was any slight chance of my being at all attractive to her. As I drank more and more, the evening became more of a blur. I remember pulling a toothbrush out of a box (!?) and singing 'Love Me Tender' so that the happy couple would kiss. After borrowing a few attached ladies to dance with, I decided to venture outside for a smoke and some fresh air, where I met Guida (I think that was her name) and some of her friends from the wedding next door. I believe we went back to my wedding and danced, then to hers for a drink. She looked rather good for a 36 year old mother of two, I must say. The bouquet was thrown over at the other wedding, which I caught (!?) and gave to Guida. She then promptly left me for some better looking guy, who's more interesting, probably drives a nicer car and has more money. I was super confident (as a result of being so smashed) and still no luck. So much for confidence is sexy. Well, at least for me.

Upon my return to the first wedding, I soon after excused my self to go to the washroom, where I spent what seemed like an eternity, um, yeah. Thankfully I had gum in my pocket. I'm not sure how I survived the ride home, but somehow did, likely blacked out in the backseat. After a refreshing twelve hour sleep and a lot of tylenol and water, I'm feeling just fine. Wait, no I'm not. After seeing all the happy couples at the wedding I was reminded of just how lonely and miserable I am. I knew this would happen. But how can you say no to an open bar?

Stupid Blog

It's such a damned hassle to even post things. I have the whole day off, I'm likely not going to leave the house and yet I still don't have the energy to write anything. I'm not sure how many people even read this, so the point may be moot. We'll see.

Um, yesterday had lunch with HC, an old friend I haven't seen in ages. Always nice to see her. My buddy Heavy-D pointed out that she's probably the only lady (that he knows at least) that I'm able to completely be myself with. With maybe one or two other exceptions, he may be right. Not sure why that is. I told her this and she got a kick out of it. We both shared our neuroses with each other, which may have been a bit therapeutic, but actually put me in a bit of a lousy mood. I went to work after and was quite miserable. It happens. I suppose the wedding this weekend will either

A. Boost my spirits

or

B: Make me more miserable. I guess it all depends on how drunk I get.

Today I've decided not to leave the house and just relax. Did some yardwork, bathed Bobo, So I was at least a touch productive. Man it's hot out there. God bless air conditioning. I was sweating like a mofo. While tilling the soil, I did realize that despite all the other things I hate about myself, I am in rather good shape. I weighed myself just out of curiosity and I'm at 164lbs. (!!!) which is my top weight, EVER. I was shocked. I guess the working out is doing something, because I don't seem to have any fat. I still think I'm average looking at best, but I do have a pretty good chest. Here it is, in all its glistening glory.

Gettin' Lazy!

I was wondering how long it would be before I got lazy and stopped updating this regularly. I guess not too long at all. Maybe it's just that I'm feeling better and stuff, who knows? Less to gripe about.

Let's see....weekend was pretty busy. Went golfing, then to Niagra, then downtown and the to London (a city of which I have become rather fond in a very short time). Tomorrow I'm meeting HC for coffee or lunch or something and then the wedding on Saturday. Fun fun. Also, work in there somewhere. Speaking of which, I really should shower and get ready for said work. Really not much going on, I'm feeling pretty good. I owe someone thanks for that.

Happy Post

I'm sort of tired and stuff, so I'll make this short. I feel great right now. Why go into details, huh? Isn't it enough that I feel good? I thought so.

Nice Weather = Cancer

No, it's not so much from lying in the sun (I prefer tanning beds), so much as all the cigars I'm smoking now that the weather is nice. I have like one a day. I'm going to develop a tumor in my mouth I know it. I really should cut back. Oh well.

Hmm....what else. Going golfing tomorrow. Should be fun. Haven't golfed since last year, so it should be an adventure. I did go out the range yesterday and was okay. So we'll see. Just another excuse to smoke!

After two fairly lightweight notes, you know there's a self-deprecating one coming. I've had two people tell me in the last two days that I'm a self-obsessed jerk. Well, maybe not that harsh. But I really do fixate on things and always tend to focus on myself, usually the things that are wrong with me. One of the kind people (I still think she's great!) thought this blog was hilarious, until I told her that it wasn't meant as a joke. Yikes. SO from now on this means...um...nevermind. Time to take Bobo out and have a cigar.