Maybe it's time for a comeback?

I don't know...just saying.

-K.I.

Farewell

This is my last post on The World's Most Depressing Blog. This last attempt to resurrect it was a dismal failure as is evident by the incredible lack of interest it generates. One would think that being the top google hit for 'depressing blog' would draw some traffic but it didn't. Indeed I just checked and I no longer hold that distinction, nor am I anywhere on the first few pages. I stopped looking after four. Ironically enough my most depressing post ever will end up being my penultimate one.

I'm not going to keep trying over and over again with this, it's dead. I haven't decided yet, but I'll probably keep it up for (my own) reference, though that will depend on how easy I find navigating around an archived version.

So that's all. No more posts, no more comments. If anyone wishes to say anything, go nuts. I won't respond. There's nothing left to say here anyways.

The most depressing post ever...it really is

I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I’m a very sick person and I need help, but there’s none forthcoming. Not from any external source and I’m not able to help myself. I hate myself and I want to die. I am an abject failure on every imaginable level. I’m a joke and my mind doesn’t function properly anymore. Just now trying to write that last sentence, I had another one of those terrible feelings I have that I can’t put into words. I don’t know what the emotion is, I really don’t. It might be anger and frustration at a level that I can barely handle. Helplessness. I tense up and I sort of grit my teeth. I hate myself so much during these moments and I don’t know what to do. I do know that it hurts, unlike anything else. And I hate it.

I don’t know what to do at this point, I really don’t. Right now I have this awful feeling in my stomach. I’m so afraid. I feel like this more and more often. Like this and the frustration I mentioned before. And I hate it. I HATE it. Please don’t think that I like feeling this way, that I want to. I don’t, okay? I fucking HATE it. That anger is happening again. And again. I sort of grab my face as well.

The other day at work, I almost started crying. I was crying. It didn’t last long but it’s the first time that I can recall it manifesting itself at work. I hate myself is what I hate. I can’t fucking stop feeling this way, FUCK. The suggestion that I enjoy it or am comfortable with it causes even more pain. I just felt so lonely, it overcame me. Not having any friends or a girl or the possibility of either probably contributed.

I don’t have any friends, I don’t. I tell myself that all the time, I’m telling myself that right now. So I am a terrible, ungrateful person. People who say that are my friend, people who probably are my friends. Thinking the way I do is such a shitty thing to do to these people. I am a sack of shit. People who truly say they care and give every indication that they mean it, I still say that I have no friends. I can only hope and pray that they can forgive me. I’m sick. Please forgive me. But I don’t know if they will. People hate me, they fucking hate me. I ask for forgiveness and I turn right around and say that they hate me. I am a sack of shit.

According to facebook I have 232 friends at present. Facebook lies or at least that number does. I look at all of those people on my list and compare them to myself. Check out the number of photos I have. Very few compared to everyone else and many of those I do have are ones that I posted myself and tagged myself. I have no friends. Look at other people’s ‘wall’. Then look at mine. I have no friends. The event invitations are the worst part of it. I get them periodically but very rarely attend. Why? Because I’m simply included on a large list of people and aren’t actually welcome. No one wants me. I have no friends.

I did attend one today or yesterday or both I guess. I was ‘invited’ to a birthday party of a co-worker, who just happens to be one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen and someone I’ve been in love with pretty much since I began working at this job. I don’t think I was really invited or wanted. I did hear about it and was ‘invited’ before I received the facebook thing, but this was because I was intruding upon a conversation she was having with someone else at work. It was probably a “yeah, you should come” or something. I don’t remember. I was probably half asleep. No one wants me anywhere. I’m no fun at all. So I can’t blame them. But I wanted to go or at least I think I did. I don’t get out much or at all really. I really don’t. In 2009:

-Once out for a drink with a friend.
-Twice with another friend (once to a movie, then to a minor league hockey game)
-Watched the Super Bowl with Marcin.
-Saw a friend perform at a comedy club. Another facebook invite.

This was another one. I told myself that it would not go well and sure enough, it did not. Because I convinced myself that it wouldn’t? Very likely. But that’s all that I’m able to tell myself. Positive thoughts are gone and have been for a while now. I hate to belabour this but I would LOVE to change my thinking. The frustrated feeling hit again. I can’t. And because I believe that I can’t, I won’t be able to. Yes, I get it. I’m not a fucking idiot. I am sick though. Beyond help probably.

I felt so nervous going there. Driving there, making my way into the bar or whatever it is. But I did force myself to go. I couldn’t force myself to have a good time, to change the way I think. Again that awful feeling is creeping up. Actually it’s the awful feeling in the stomach. Either one is pretty common. The other one just hit. Because I want to change this. I want to change my negative thoughts, the way I feel about myself and my perception of how other people see me.

I arrived, found the table. There were a decent number of people I knew (from work) and more would arrive. So that wasn’t a problem, not knowing anyone (it’s happened before). I ordered food (I was hungry). Wait, back up. I had a gift, yes I brought one. I wanted to give one and I felt I should. But I wanted to, I really did. I got a hug and thanks. Did she and others seem happy to see me? Indifferent? Or nonplussed? I think people were reasonably happy to see me. I think. I thought that at the time and was probably right. But it was in the back of my sick mind and even though I knew it to be true, I couldn’t feel that I was wanted. So I sat. Ordered my food. Ate. Drinks didn’t help. Neither did the drugs. I did as much as I could. I sat there or hovered around with this glum look on my face. I’m sure that turns people off, that sort of behaviour. My moping doesn’t exactly attract people to be around me. Again, I’m aware of this. I am also powerless to stop this unattractive behaviour. God, how I wish I could though.

So I guess people seemed less thrilled that I was there and it was my own fault. I am sick. I’m a failure and a loser and deserve my unhappiness. My mind didn’t stop and it was horrible. The angry feeling was really coming up a lot, something that hasn’t happened in public so far as I can remember. I hated the fact that everyone else was capable of having a good time and I wasn’t. Fuck. I really do want to die, that just entered my head. Many beautiful women there, my host (I guess) not least among them. I am powerless to talk to them. They hate me. I have nothing to offer anyways. Still, in the back of my mind I see guys that appear to be less attractive than I am, not as well dressed having fun and beautiful women talking to them. Not to me. Yes, I know it’s how I present myself.

FUCK. The angry feeling really hit there. I am so lonely, my God. No woman will want someone like this. I wouldn’t if I were in their place. I want to change. I can’t though. Every time it’s the same thing though. Just like tonight. I do nothing. I do fucking nothing. I am also a coward of course. I think too much. I have all these thoughts in my head and I just think too much. Right now I’m thinking about how I would do things differently if I had another chance or for next time. But I can’t relive this. And there will be no ‘next time’. If there is, it’ll be the same story anyways. It always has been and always will be. Anytime I do make progress or someone pushes me into action, I don’t learn from it or gain confidence. I go back to the gutless piece of shit that I was and always will be.

This....well, I blew it. I don’t think I’ll even be getting a facebook invite next year. I turn people off with my behaviour and I’m so sorry for it. I apologize a lot, I know. But I do feel sorry. Sorry for ‘ruining your party’ or something like that is affording myself far too much importance but I am sorry that I certainly made it worse and not better with my presence. Even when I’m given a chance (or another chance) following some of morbid behaviour, I squander that. Why can’t I just have fun? I was actually saying this to myself on this occasion and asked it of a few people. One person in particular said that I should just go and dance, what’s the worst that can happen? I didn’t have a good answer yet still I was unable to act. I’m a coward, I really am.

I was angry, yes. But I don’t think it means there was any progress. I was still not able to try and have fun. I have to change all my thoughts for that to happen or at least shut them off. The excuse of being an introvert or not a party person or anything akin to that is a weak excuse. For 3 or 4 hours I can’t pretend? Just have FUN? Yes, I tell myself that I won’t have fun and so I don’t. I know I’m belabouring this but I can’t emphasize enough that I am aware of this issue and still am unable to do anything about it. As for the anger, it may have been the drugs. I don’t know. It’s not important.

I’m sure I didn’t leave anyone with a good impression of me and I could have, in theory. I’m intelligent, well read and can be an excellent conversationalist were I not gripped with fear. In the back of my mind I don’t think I’m that bad looking but that matters little. My lack of confidence nullifies that. Today when getting ready to run some errands earlier in the day, I obsessed for quite a long while (at least 10 minutes) over my hair and didn’t leave until it was satisfactory (I still worried about it). Mind you this was to go to the store where no one I knew would see me. This is a sickness, no doubt about it.

Of course I don’t know how I look most of the day and my opinion isn’t the one that counts. Of course projecting the right attitude can shape others’ opinions for sure. I’ve never felt attractive. I’m terrified to bring this up here but I will. Sexual frustration. There’s lots. What there isn’t is experience in those matters. Some but not lots. For someone who is almost 28 years old an embarrassingly small amount. This is a painful Catch-22. The less confidence I have, the less experience I’m likely to gain but the less experience I have the lower my confidence. If I weren’t numb now from drugs (sedatives now, as opposed to stimulants before) I’d probably feel that angry sensation.

So I blew it as I always do. This makes me feel worse of course. There really isn’t much I can do. Not like I’ll get a do-over. I fucked up this chance to have fun. A chance to perhaps make friends out of acquaintances? I never had a chance, did I? It’s a moot point. Nothing is working, nothing that will change me and help me turn all this around. Seeing a therapist is good in that I have someone to talk to every couple of weeks but it’s not a cure. Various anti-depressants haven’t seemed to have helped. I do get advice from different people, some of it very sound. I don’t take it though. I don’t act, I no longer have the strength to do so. I do want to and will state this as much as I need to. But I just can’t and I don’t know why I can’t. I need help and more importantly I want help. But where, what, who? I’m beyond help and if not it’s likely too late. This sickness isn’t going away.

Even now I’m thinking about how I blew it. These people who were perhaps slightly happy to see me won’t be happy to see me the next time (which there won’t be). They’ve seen the real me, the one who hates every fibre of his own being and won’t likely forget it. Any positives will be cast aside, if there were any to begin with. Even I think that there are. They aren’t remarkable by any stretch but they should still count for something. Mostly having to do with how I treat people. I’d rather other people got a lunch before I did. If there are 4 cookies and 5 people, I don’t mind going without. Helping someone else with someone at the expense of whatever I might need to do. Making an effort to smile at someone even if I feel like I’m about to cry inside. Little things, like acknowledging people or helping them in small ways. None of this makes me a saint nor do mean to imply that I’m a better person than anyone else. There are people who really DO spend their lives helping build churches and such. I just try to be decent and kind to everyone I meet. I don’t know if it’s because I feel an obligation or guilt or anything else. I just try to be nice and surely I don’t always succeed at that. But my effort counts for little I guess. If there is such a thing as karma, it has ignored me. My reward is sadness and awful thoughts filling my mind. Not to mention a feeling of loneliness and worthlessness that grows every day.

I’m so tired all the time as well. I used to at least enjoy sleep. I don’t sleep much anymore. It’s nearly 7:00 AM and I haven’t slept. My sad thoughts occupy the time that I used to devote to rest. I feel dreadful as a result. The drugs surely don’t help.

I look back on this experience and I’ll obsess over it. How I am a failure, a coward, a loser. I’m a miserable person to be around and to listen to. Unattractive in any sense. Not to mention rather ill and probably best suited to life in an institution. How I am a total fuck up, plain and simple. I want to change who I am and I need help doing so. But after being around me or reading this why would anyone care? I wouldn’t.

I want to escape from this. No one is free from these thoughts entirely but I just want to function at a reasonable level. To be able to go to a bar and not feel a panic. To block out all thought and dance for 30 seconds. To think that perhaps these people actually like me, enjoy my company and might want to be my friends. That an attractive woman might be interested in talking to me at the very least. To wake up and have something other than “I wish I were dead” be the first thing I think of. I just want a chance at all these things.

But it’s now 7:30 AM and I’m still typing this (or at least trying to) rather than just waking up. If not a failed person, I’m at least broken, damaged or defective. When all you ever do is fuck things up it’s hard not to think otherwise or to not think about it at all. I’m thinking that there probably won’t be any new pictures of me on facebook in the next day or two. For most people having someone ‘tag’ you in a photo will likely mean nothing but for me, it just might make me feel wanted for the half second I first look at the photo.

But I don’t feel wanted, I don’t feel as though I was a part of something. I could have been but I wasn’t. Instead I’ll continue to beat myself up over yet another incident in my life marked by inaction, cowardice and failure. I’ll worry about work on Monday and how perception of me has changed (for the worse). I’ll worry that this was my chance and I blew it. These failures stack up and when they grow as high as mine, the pain is excruciating. I think that having to live with my pathetic cowardice might be worse still. But not being able to visualize any possible success has to be the greatest pain. The knowledge that it’s quite likely that I won’t get another shot on this front is the worst feeling. I’m probably right and even if I had other options, I still know the most probable outcome. Nothing changes and my crippling loneliness remains, eating away at me, though there is very little left these days.

Searching for 'depressing blog' actually leads you here?!?!

Holy fucking shit. So I check the hit counter on my blog and while it's not impressive in the least, I do discover something remarkable. Somehow I am now the number one search on Google when the keywords " depressing blog" are entered. When the hell did this happen? How did this happen? Will it be enough for me to start blogging here again? Well, it got me this far....so there might actually be a chance. Crazy.

REALLY short post

Real sorry to those of you who actually still check this. I've not been well at all lately, in a number of ways. I'll still try to return to this if I can. I'd like to, I really would. Thanks so much for your patience and understanding. This is a VERY tough time for me, but I'll try my best. Thanks.

Feeling more alone than ever before

Does anyone still read this? I wouldn't. It's something of a shame, too. This used to be a rather good blog with a healthy and active readership. But now the updates have dwindled to less than one a week due to the fact that its author (me) actually is too depressed to keep the thing up and in fact has great difficulty making it through the day without taking a three hour nap. Sad.

Even when under the influence of certain 'helpers' I still can't seem to bring myself to cobble together a coherent post. This one might not fall under that category, but amazingly it's the furthest I've gotten in quite a while. Even starting is becoming nearly impossible and when I do, it rarely gets finished. I'm surprised I don't have more unpublished drafts than I do. Anyways, I'm going to try and stumble my way through this and hopefully I get at least something off. Again, if anyone is still reading.

This is sort of a bummer. "High prices and declining quality"? I mean this is good news officially, what with these scumbags being caught before they reach the U.S. and Canada. But off the record? I can't afford to be paying more than I already am. Shit.

On the bright side, I love baseball. It's one of the few things that makes me happy. Even though my beloved Blue Jays have missed the playoffs again (for the 14th straight year) I'm still locked to the TV watching the division series. Both Chicago teams made the post season and both are already out, taking away any hopes of a North Side - South Side series. Still there's the potential for some great ball to be played. How about a BoSox vs. Dodgers World Series with Manny playing his former team? Yikes. And the Tampa Bay Rays? Unreal. From worst to first in the span of a year is amazing and they're still alive. I'll be sad when it's all over, seeing as it will take away one of my very few pleasures.

I'm having a hard time getting into the NFL this season for whatever reason. Usually football picks up where baseball leaves off, at least as far as I'm concerned. Hopefully it'll grab my interest before long. Even though the end of last season and the beginning of this one has left a sour taste in my mouth, I did enjoy attending a Bills game last year. It was pretty cool. I wonder if I can convince my old pal Marty Boy to take in another game this season. Otherwise I'm not sure who else I would go with. He doesn't call me all that often, but I forgive him seeing as we've been friends for so very long and I'm sure that he's a busy guy. Plus, he does at least call from time to time. He did call last week, though it was to inquire if I could help him move something. I was unavailable to do so, but gladly would have had I not been working. After all it's still nice of him to think of me.

Otherwise I pretty much have no life. Okay, so I have no life period. D Rock would call of course, but he's in Japan which sucks (though good for him, which is nice). Outside of work or running errands, I haven't been out of the house for close to a month. Went bowling with a young lady I've written about here before on several occasions (search keyword "Girly"). We went on a few dates, it didn't work out that way but we're still friends. I don't have many of those left. Can probably count them on my hands. I know that I'm not so good when it comes to calling people and asking them if they want to "hang out" or whatever. Yet I'm sure that many other people have the same problem and they aren't as utterly alone as I am.

That's really what I am. Alone. Dear God am I ever lonely. Yes I'm morbidly depressed nearly all the time and have considerable trouble even staying awake. But if someone invited me out somewhere, I'd jump at the chance and despite my actual feelings, be on my best behavior. It's a moot point though. Tomorrow I will be just as lonely as I am today and the same the day after and so on. At least I have Bobo. That's about it. Nothing else.

Anyways, I hope that if anyone is still reading this, you're better off than I. Hopefully you have friends to keep you company, maybe a bunch of them. Hopefully you don't spend every single Friday and Saturday night alone drinking yourself to sleep. You probably have a special somebody to keep you warm at night or have had at some point. I sure haven't, at least not for a very long time and not someone you have to 'settle' for. At the very least I hope you have someone to talk to. I wish I did, even once in a while. It might make me feel better. I wouldn't feel so sad, so worthless and so helpless.

It's something I'd love to get out of, don't get me wrong. But I just don't seem to have the energy to do my part in turning it around. And even if I worked at it there's no guarantee hard work and a positive attitude on my part would pay off. I've been trying the internet dating thing (which sort of worked for me a couple of years ago) with no success. No replies, no interest. No one cares about me anymore. The only person who calls me on a semi-regular basis is my "pharmacist", which is quite nice of him. He does well enough for himself and could certainly do without my business, yet is kind enough to at least give me a call every once in a while. It's not much, but it's all I ask for.

By the time anyone reads this I'll likely be unconscious

I'm fairly confident that almost no one reads this anymore and that's probably my fault by and large. I rarely post and when I do, it's nowhere near as interesting as a lot of the well-written and thoughtful posts I used to compose. The fact that I actually AM far more depressed these days surely has a lot to do with that, ironically enough.

Anyways, I really feel like total shit right now. So lonely and feeling more and more like an utter failure every day. At this exact moment I am quite fucked up and wish I had someone, anyone to talk to. But I don't. Just the empty space that is this sad, sad blog. I just have this unbelievably awful feeling, one that feels as if it'll never go away. Talking to someone might be nice, might be a nice distraction. After all, I have nothing else to do right now. Even a brief conversation to prove that someone cares might just be enough so that I'm able to go to bed feeling even 1% good about myself. But it doesn't look like that's in the cards. I think I need a miracle at this point.

Beer and Bobo keeping me company at the moment

Right now I am at the very utmost pit of misery and although things haven't gotten any worse (so far as I can tell) I can see the potential for that to happen because I not able to picture life getting any better. I'm not any closer to finding any sort of a 'real' job, probably because I've barely put any effort into looking. I keep meaning to do something, polish off the resume, work on cover letters, explore monster.ca and workopolis, check out a temp agency, whatever. But I've done very little in that regard. By the time I get home from my crappy job I'm so tired and miserable that I can barely move. Even when I have a day off like I did today nothing gets accomplished. I'm exhausted nearly all the time, probably at least one clue that I really, truly am depressed. And when the first thought that enters your mind when you wake up is inevitably "I wish I was dead", that can't be good.

I did make an attempt to volunteer for my party in the upcoming Federal Election. It's something I've been wanting to do the last couple of times but was too busy with school or at least that was my excuse because I was too scared or lazy to sign up. But this time I did do just that, yet no one has gotten back to me and it's been almost a week. I guess I'll try again but if I still don't get a reply, I'll really feel even more like a loser. Being rejected for volunteer work? Ouch. And it's something I think I actually want to do. I feel like a well-deserved majority mandate is within reach for Mr. Harper and the Conservative Party which is an exciting prospect for me. Maybe I'm not even good enough to be a tiny, insignificant part of it. Just to feel wanted...

Speaking of which, having no companionship (other than my dog) is really starting to get to me. I went out bowling with a friend this past Friday night. Before that my last social outing was to see a ballgame with my pal Coop. That was three weeks prior. Normal people, people who actually have friends get out more than once every three weeks or so I suspect. Christ, am I ever lonely. I'm not even going to get into female companionship because that's an even more upsetting chapter. I'm trying the lavalife thing and 'Hot or Not' which worked for me somewhat in the past. Right now I am having ZERO success. Maybe I'm subconsciously not trying, who knows? I just know I'm not getting any matches or replies or whatever. I used to. Now....well, now I have even less than I had before and that certainly wasn't much.

I'm also likely developing a substance abuse problem. Worse than before. Pretty much all my money seems to go into it, that and gasoline. If I had a social life I might be in real trouble because I don't know how I'd afford anything. Then again if my life was more pleasant I probably wouldn't have to rely upon all this shit to give me a boost. I don't know if that's necessarily true but I like to speculate. I do know that there was a time when I was happy at least some of the time and had people who would call me up to do shit. A time when I abusing my body with habits that are far too expensive. I'd drop the occasional big bucks on beer and lap-dances from time to time, but that was pretty much it. The last time I went to a strip club it left me feeling not only unfulfilled but rather empty. Having an attractive woman feign interest in me for the duration of a three minute song was no longer enough, no longer worth my twenty bucks. As time goes on I'm beginning to feel that it's the closest to being loved I'll ever get.

At least I don't smoke anymore. I'm probably the only person I know who quit smoking with absolutely no effort or conscious decision. I was a regular smoker but I can honestly say that I was never addicted. I just enjoyed it. Then it stopped bringing me pleasure, I just didn't like it any longer. So I stopped. But I guess that isn't so strange coming from me. There really isn't much that does bring me happiness or enjoyment anymore. I like to sleep. Because whenever I'm awake all I can seem to think of is just how sad I really am.

Well, fuck

There goes the 2008 NFL season as far as I'm concerned. An NFL season without its brightest star just doesn't seem as if it will have the same glitter. Hopefully I'm wrong.



















If not it's again just one fewer thing for me to look forward to in my miserable life. Lord knows I need all the distractions I can get. I really can't afford to spend more on drugs than I already am. Shit.

At least the baseball playoffs will be coming up soon and while it looks as though my beloved Blue Jays will (once again) be sitting this October out (despite their recent 'too little too late' hot streak) at least the evil New York Yankees will be as well. I can take some solace in that. Let's see how many of their fair weather fans jump ship. Going to see the Jays play the Yankees down at the Rogers Centre is always frustrating because of all the supposed New York fans who show up (90% poseurs no doubt) to cheer on the evil empire. With any hope a losing season or two will inspire these 'sports fans' to take off their pinstripe jerseys and place them in the back of their closet alongside all the late 1990s Chicago Bulls gear they once wore.

Uh, hello blog?

It seems like half of my posts over the last few months begin with me apologizing for the fact that I've been completely neglecting to update the blog. This is only another of those. Sorry. I really want to get it together but lately things haven't been going well and I'm really not in a decent frame of mind, not by a long shot. I'm at a very difficult point in my life and I have a feeling that things aren't about to get better any time soon. Also sorry that all of my (semi) recent posts have been completely removed from the name of the blog, they've been mostly political shit etc. I'd like to get more personal but it's not that easy, at least right now. For now though, two things.

1. I've known this for a while now but after watching John McCain's speech tonight accepting his party's nomination for President it is so evident that this man must be the next President of the United States. Barack Obama is like a U.S. President in a Hollywood movie when compared to McCain. He looks nice, sounds nice, has a great image and all those things. Yet I really can't see how any intelligent person would SERIOUSLY think he should be the next leader of the free world. He seems like a decent fellow and perhaps (as Joe Lieberman pointed out) might one day be a good leader (at least if you're an ultra-liberal). But as President of the most powerful country in the world in these uncertain times? Yikes. I've never actually come out and said this before but I will now admit that I often wish that John McCain had won the nomination in 2000. He was the best man for the job eight years ago and he is still the best man for the job today. Without question.

2. I really like making lists, something which is probably evident to anyone who has reads this with any regularity. I've done many lists, of which the two most notable were my Top 100 Songs of the 1980s and my Top 100 Films of All-Time. The former I'm sure I'd make many changes to if I were to redo it. The latter was done more recently but I'm more confident in it and I couldn't see myself making any wholesale changes to anytime soon. Anyways, the one I always wanted to tackle was a list of the 100 Greatest Songs of All-Time, something which I think would be a massive undertaking on my part. I have the spare time, that's not a problem. However I just don't think I'd be able to put my mind to such a task given the fact that I may very well be on the verge of some sort of nervous breakdown. So I figured I might just cut to the chase.

Wait. Never mind. I had actually typed out what I consider to be the best song of all-time followed by two runners-up. Then I changed my mind. Maybe I will make that list after all. Hopefully it will give me something to live for. Sad as that may sound, right now I don't have much at all.

More craziness and insane rantings on my part!

A few thoughts on random things that I've had on my mind lately:

1. Very sad to hear about Margaret Thatcher's declining state. It doesn't really come as that much of a surprise seeing as she's really been out of the public eye for several years now but it's still upsetting nonetheless. 'The Iron Lady' was one of the truly great leaders of the twentieth century, a key figure in bringing about the end of the Cold War and (I should hope) an inspiration for strong women everywhere. I certainly wish her well in her twilight years.

2. Wow, Pierre Trudeau's son thinks that Canada should get out of Afghanistan. What a colossal shock. Mr. Trudeau's narrow viewpoint is very conveniently forgetting our country's long history of being peace keepers (something this deployment is strictly about) and is only able to see our presence their as constituting 'aggression'. He goes on to defend the Taliban (whoops, sorry we shouldn't call them that) and their 'different values' which include the complete oppression of women and utter intolerance for other religions other than their own. Oh and there's the fact that it was his beloved Liberal Party which deployed troops there, not the current Conservative government. I swear sometimes I think that a great many people who share Mr. Trudeau's point of view almost (and I'm being a bit facetious here) like it when Canadian troops are killed overseas. Because if there were little or no fatalities, they'd have a pretty damned hard time to protest.

3. I love this. Saudi Arabia wants to ban birthday parties because they are against Muslim 'righteousness'. And Mother's Day should also be on the black list, though predictably there's no mention of a ban on Father's Day. This is the same country that forbade its women from taking place in the Olympics, seeing as it forbids women to play any sort of organized sports whatsoever. Yet there has been no talk of any sort of sanctions on the part of the IOC. South Africa under Apartheid was rightly barred for many years yet we hear nothing about any potential action against this awful country which oppresses half of its entire population. Oh wait, they have oil. Never mind.

4. Along similar lines, Malaysia can also go to hell. Even though they reversed their decision, the fact that the country wanted to stop Avril Lavigne from performing a concert there because she's "too sexy" is utter horse shit. Sorry but since when is it wrong to be "too sexy"? What, are they all closet homosexuals? Are they bitter because none of their own pop stars are as smoking hot as Avril is? Are they afraid that people might actually have a good time at the show? Fuck. I just hope she doesn't change her show one bit, the sexy bitch.

That's it for the time being. I'm trying to get back into the blog and hopefully next entry will be more true to the blog's title. I have lots of depressing stuff to talk about after all, so I guess I should give it a go. Tomorrow maybe? We'll see, I always say that and then tomorrow never comes.

I'd spit in Madonna's face if I had the chance

When I read this in the paper while having my breakfast today I quite nearly threw up. The fact that I'm a little under the weather may have contributed to that, but still.

Madonna is comparing John McCain to Adolf Hitler and Robert Mugabe?!?! Are you fucking serious?! John McCain is a decorated war hero who spent five years in a Vietnamese prison camp. He is a an experienced public servant with a long record of working across party lines in order to pass legislation the he believes will benefit the American people, regardless of what the majority of his party thinks. Adolf Hitler slaughtered Six Million Jews. How is this comparable?

I'm not going to go on about this any further because it's just going to make me madder. In short, Madonna is a disgusting piece of shit and a disgrace as a human being. She also hammers home the point of those McCain "The One" ads and just how much truth there is behind them. People are really being roped in by this very charming and articulate fellow with great sound-bites, who also happens to be a first term Senator with no experience, no real policies and no real substance. And they're doing so quite blindly I may add. But I think that as the campaign goes on these things will become painfully clear and Democrats will start kicking themselves over the fact that they didn't nominate the far more experienced and capable Hillary Clinton over their new Messiah (who also happens to be the most liberal senator in the United States).

Oh and Madonna? Just go suck off Barack Obama already. It's pretty clear that's what you and all your ultra-liberal Hollywood pals would line up to do in a second. At least that's more honest, you tired old whore.

Blog is near death and perhaps so am I

Y'know, I really like that new Coldplay song. I actually saw that it hit number one on the Billboard Hot 100 a few weeks back (a first for them) and gave it a listen. While I'm still not the biggest fan of Chris Martin and company, I must say that "Viva La Vida" really is a great track. It's nice to see that good singles still make it to the top of the charts in this day and age. Most of the junk that the scientists (?) at Billboard deem fit to occupy the upper reaches of the Hot 100 is shit that's usually forgotten very quickly. But on rare occasions they do get it right.

However this is a very sad day for music. You see, I just found out that over on the Billboard 200 (the album chart) the Soundtrack to the 'film' Mamma Mia! is actually the best selling album in this week. I can't even fathom this. Miley Cyrus I can handle, but this is simply too much. The fact that people ever liked ABBA is forgivable, after all there have been many strange chapters in music history. No problem. But the fact that someone thought it would be a good idea to take all these shitty songs and use them as the score for some God-forsaken musical production? Yikes. That was too much.

I remember when the musical was playing in Toronto a few years back. When I was downtown on occasion I would see tourist buses driving around and would comment on how they were probably idiot tourists coming in from Tonawanda to see Mamma Mia! Though I was being a bit facetious, I probably wasn't too far off. Only morons would go and see such garbage. And no, I don't have to see it to know it's garbage. I'm quite sure that my intuition is right.

Anyways, I don't know where I was going with all this. The fact that really good actors like Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan would act in something like this is also pretty disturbing. And so far as I remember the only two halfway decent ABBA songs ("Waterloo" and "Fernando") aren't even in the show. Ugh. What a mess. But so is this post. It was my attempt to get something going a couple of nights ago but I found myself really messed up midway through on a really bad trip and had to abandon ship. This is what my blog has come to. Perhaps it really is time to call it quits, especially when I'm falling apart in 'real life' as I am now.

And you thought Clinton knew how to get it on!

Once again I must apologize to the three or four of you who still check this on a semi-regular basis only to find that I don't seem to ever update. I really, really haven't been feeling well for the last little while but I'm hoping to work through it. I have some time off in the coming week and hopefully I might be able to get some rest and perhaps get myself into a better mindset. We shall see.

I have a lot of things I want to write about (mainly the wedding I attended last weekend) but for now I think I'll just direct all of you good folks to this rather amusing news story, if you can even call it that. Say what you will about the man but George W. Bush is doing an awesome job as a lame-duck President. If I knew that my term was up in only a few months this is exactly the sort of shit I'd be up to. God bless him for knowing how to enjoy the ride while it lasts.