Right now I am at the very utmost pit of misery and although things haven't gotten any worse (so far as I can tell) I can see the potential for that to happen because I not able to picture life getting any better. I'm not any closer to finding any sort of a 'real' job, probably because I've barely put any effort into looking. I keep meaning to do something, polish off the resume, work on cover letters, explore
monster.ca and
workopolis, check out a temp agency, whatever. But I've done very little in that regard. By the time I get home from my crappy job I'm so tired and miserable that I can barely move. Even when I have a day off like I did today nothing gets accomplished. I'm exhausted nearly all the time, probably at least one clue that I really, truly
am depressed. And when the first thought that enters your mind when you wake up is inevitably "I wish I was dead", that can't be good.
I did make an attempt to volunteer for my party in the upcoming Federal Election. It's something I've been wanting to do the last couple of times but was too busy with school or at least that was my excuse because I was too scared or lazy to sign up. But this time I did do just that, yet no one has gotten back to me and it's been almost a week. I guess I'll try again but if I still don't get a reply, I'll really feel even more like a loser. Being rejected for volunteer work? Ouch. And it's something I think I actually want to do. I feel like a well-deserved majority mandate is within reach for Mr. Harper and the Conservative Party which is an exciting prospect for me. Maybe I'm not even good enough to be a tiny, insignificant part of it. Just to feel wanted...
Speaking of which, having no companionship (other than my dog) is really starting to get to me. I went out bowling with a friend this past Friday night. Before that my last social outing was to see a ballgame with my pal Coop. That was three weeks prior. Normal people, people who actually have friends get out more than once every three weeks or so I suspect. Christ, am I ever lonely. I'm not even going to get into female companionship because that's an even more upsetting chapter. I'm trying the lavalife thing and 'Hot or Not' which worked for me somewhat in the past. Right now I am having ZERO success. Maybe I'm subconsciously not trying, who knows? I just know I'm not getting any matches or replies or whatever. I used to. Now....well, now I have even less than I had before and that certainly wasn't much.
I'm also likely developing a substance abuse problem. Worse than before. Pretty much all my money seems to go into it, that and gasoline. If I
had a social life I might be in real trouble because I don't know how I'd afford anything. Then again if my life was more pleasant I probably wouldn't have to rely upon all this shit to give me a boost. I don't know if that's necessarily true but I like to speculate. I do know that there was a time when I was happy at least some of the time and had people who would call me up to do shit. A time when I abusing my body with habits that are far too expensive. I'd drop the occasional big bucks on beer and lap-dances from time to time, but that was pretty much it. The last time I went to a strip club it left me feeling not only unfulfilled but rather empty. Having an attractive woman feign interest in me for the duration of a three minute song was no longer enough, no longer worth my twenty bucks. As time goes on I'm beginning to feel that it's the closest to being loved I'll ever get.
At least I don't smoke anymore. I'm probably the only person I know who quit smoking with absolutely no effort or conscious decision. I was a regular smoker but I can honestly say that I was never addicted. I just enjoyed it. Then it stopped bringing me pleasure, I just didn't like it any longer. So I stopped. But I guess that isn't so strange coming from me. There really isn't much that
does bring me happiness or enjoyment anymore. I like to sleep. Because whenever I'm awake all I can seem to think of is just how sad I really am.