Even the ducks have each other

In a sign that my level of sanity has been downgraded from "questionable" to "highly suspect", I have actually named the ducks who live in the little forest behind our house and come to our back yard for food. They are Albert and Harriet. Even though they look pretty much like any other ducks you've ever seen in your life, I'll try to snap a photo tomorrow if I think of it.

So I was walking around the mall today, just having purchased some paper towels and a copy of Playboy (seriously) when I decided to 'check out' some rather hot girl who walked by me (there are plenty of them in the mall) and I think I got 'caught' (i.e. she noticed that I was checking her out'). I definitely saw her smile, though I'm not sure if it was at me in a good way or while thinking "what a fucking goof". At first I felt sort of good about myself in thinking that she somehow reciprocated, but now the more I think about it the more likely it was that she only saw me as a pathetic and ugly creep and that she didn't smile at me or even in amusement but rather at the fact that I'm so pathetic.

You see, for this brief moment I foolishly thought I was attractive and actually felt good about myself. I have those occasionally but they never last. Even if I did somehow feel good enough about myself to go out somewhere and meet women, who would I go with? Exactly. I'm now so depressed that I can barely move, barely force my fingers to type, barely even lift the beer to my mouth. Now that is depressed.

There's a girl who works at the salon next to me...there used to be this cute receptionist I would always go and flirt with but she's no longer there. I've even mentioned her here a few times. Sort of asked her out a couple of time but was turned down cold. Anyways, this girl who happens to work there now, I clumsily flirt with when it's slow (so all of the time) and even though I've heard her mention that she has a boyfriend, I don't see the harm in it. Until now.

Today I was hanging around their little counter area and she was killing time by facebooking when I said something like "hey, how come I don't get to be on your facebook". So she adds me and it turns out we have several mutual friends. Lo and behold we went to the same high school, though she's two years younger than I. We both had no clue. So I check out her page and I recognize the dude who appears to be her boyfriend...also someone I went to high school with, who is even a younger than her (and something of a dolt if I remember correctly)!

Why does this make me depressed? It just does. I wasted high school, I wasted university I wasted everything pretty much. Or perhaps not. Perhaps I'm just at the very bottom rung of attractiveness and I never had a shot to begin with. Every time I feel in the least bit attractive, something puts me back into my place. Everyone has had more than me in pretty much any way you can think of. My confidence is zero and there's really nothing out there that could ever boost it. I Everyone else seems to find someone, even if it's for a little while, that's still better than nothing. I on the other hand am going to die alone and that can't come soon enough.