Saturday, December 01, 2007

Every day, in every way, it's getting worser and worser

So this essay that I figured I could wrap up no problem on my last post? It almost killed me. I "finished" it just now. I thought I could get it done by sometime on Wednesday, do a decent job and only take a puny 2% penalty on it. Well, as it turns out, it wasn't quite like that. I think I'm really looking at my first every 'F' here. It's that bad. Now I'll get 6% off (I was able to submit by email and did so just before midnight) and what more, the essay was a mess. Two pages too short, way under referenced, no structure, no sense at all really. I actually might have finished the thing yesterday (and done a slightly better job) but do to my stupidity and only saving it to a floppy disk (which was somehow corrupted) I lost half the thing and had to do a lot of it over. I've handed in sub-par stuff before, but this is easily the worst I've ever done. Actually, pretty much everything I do is sub-par and half-assed, but this time I've topped pretty much all of my own incompetence. God, I feel like such a fuck up right now. I'm a smart fellow and I just can't fucking get it together. I never have been able to and probably won't. This explains why I'm still working on an undergrad at age 26. That's disgusting and there's no excuse for it. It's just one of the reasons why I truly do hate myself. God I just wish I'm able to get through this last year. Then I'll have an awesome B.A. in English. Which will get me nowhere. Also a reason why every morning I wake up and wish I was dead.

On a related note, I'm having more and more trouble getting up in the morning. On days when I don't have to be at work or class until a later time (or have nowhere to be at all) I find myself sleeping in until like 2:00 or 3:00 PM. I just can't seem to wake up or can't. Sleeping from 12, 13 hours a day isn't healthy, is it? I'm even starting to miss classes because of it, something I never allowed myself to do before. I'm just so tired and don't want to wake up.

Suppose I'll have nothing but time to do so now. I have a test on Tuesday and a couple of exams a week apart after that, but it's really just doing reading, no pressure of having to cite sources, make arguments, check word counts etc. Having just failed this thing gives me plenty of time to worry about other stuff I suppose. I guess I'll make myself available to work more, at my pathetic job which is totally below me. I could use the money. And I'll have time to spend worrying about things like the rear-defrost that needs to be repaired on my car. How much I'm loathing another incredibly awkward Christmas at my home. How to try to attempt to score blow and probably fail. More time for introspective things, like just how much I hate myself, how unbelievably lonely I am and amazingly empty my life is. And New Years....Lord, that's one I'm really dreading. This might truly be the year that I spend it alone in bed, with a bottle of wine beside me. Not that I ever have a good time on December 31 (or am even capable of having a good time in general) but I really do fear this is going to be the year where I sink to a new low.

I suspect I've already hit rock bottom and yet I'm still going lower and lower until I hit the Earth's core and burn up like a paper airplane being launched into the sun.


Blogger Daphne said...

Alright, seriously dude, you need to quit bashing English B.A.'s.

Yours truly has one, and is rather proud of it. I followed it up with a one year post-grad in communications and find myself miles ahead of many of my colleagues in terms of writing style, thanks at least in part to my undergrad. All those essays will pay off someday.

Now I sit down to write a 500-word op-ed piece or letter to the editor and it's a piece of cake compared to writing 2000 words on a book I may or may not have read, quoting reliable sources and such.

Perspective, my friend. Perspective.

December 05, 2007 11:19 AM  

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