Thursday, November 15, 2007

Another over-hyped post that amounts to very little

Sorry for the massive delay in writing a post that I've sort of been hyping and will likely end up as a huge letdown. I really have been quite miserable for a lot of reasons. Various issues and other little complications just keep piling up and making it pretty hard to get through each day. Things are going very poorly, I won't lie to you. It's taking pretty much everything I have in me just to keep it together. But I digress. Onto the post.

So I decide to attend this party on Saturday night. As usual it was someone who invited me through a mass thingee of the Facebook site. As I've said many a time, it's the only way I'm ever invited to anything it seems. The sort of thing where people don't object to me being present, but at the same time wouldn't lose any sleep were I not to attend. But I go because I really have nothing better to do and I suppose it might be fun if I drink enough or something like that. So I drive downtown to this place around 9:30-10:00 ish, fork over the $20 to park downtown. Another reason why I hate Toronto. I go in and see mostly people that I've never met and the few that I do know I haven't seen in ages. Of those few, I was only remotely close to a couple of them. Get the point yet? I'm really desperate here for things to do. I really don't belong here and I'm sure there were many other people who got the courtesy facebook invite who also didn't. But they had the good sense to do something else. This is not a knock against those who were there in any sense, simply that it's just weird for me to be here, perhaps outside of a brief token appearance. But no, I stay until closing at 2:00 AM. Remember, I have no life and am clinging to whatever little I have left here.

I awkwardly try to "make the rounds" or whatever one would call it. Talk to the people I know, mostly. Listen to conversations, whatever. Order a meal. I was sitting at one end of the table next to these two rather young ladies. One of whom was a friend of the birthday girl, the other was a friend of hers and had just tagged along I suppose. I chat a little with them, whatever. Nothing exciting. I do notice that they had returned from outside at one point, so when I see them reaching for their coats again, I make the "smokey-smokey" motion so that I might perhaps join them on the balcony for a cigarette (of which I happened to bring along for just this sort of instance).

So we're talking outside, realize we don't know each other's names, introduce each other, etc. They're very good friends from what I can gather. I tell them that I know b-day girl from way back in high school. Just chit-chat. One of them notices that as I was reaching for my pack of smokes, I also had some cigars in my pocket. I tell her that I'm "in the cigar business" (a mild exaggeration). She commented on how her mother (!!) loves cigars and asked if I could get her a discount on them. I said sure. So she asks for my number, saying that I'll "call you about that sometime" or some shit like that. Later on as we're out for another smoke (these girls have had a lot to drink by this point) one of them says how "we have to go party sometime" or something to that effect. I'm a bit hazy as to all the details, but I gave my number to the other one (the one I actually liked better) and then they gave me their numbers. In my haze of alcohol, fatigue and er, something else, I'm pretty sure that they just sort of offered me their numbers, but I could be wrong. That I didn't actually ask. But I do recall them asking for my number first and me saying something like "So you're actually going to call and you're not just saying so?" and they responded in the affirmative. So I should be feeling great about all this, yes? Well, no. Do I ever feel good?

Firstly, I was certainly chemically aided. Was it not for the stuff, I'd not have been able to make it through the evening without a major panic attack. Secondly, I just never felt that either was particularly interested. I'm unable to see any attractive woman as being interested in me on anything more than a platonic level. At one point in the evening some dude came up to one of the pair and they were talking for a bit. I could tell that she found him attractive and so much as said so afterwards, while at the same time stating that she had no interest because he sounded awful (voice wise). Anyways, I just don't ever get a vibe...never. Unless I am terrible at reading women (which I likely am), I don't ever see them looking at me in 'that way' or checking me out. It's quite depressing.

So I just don't know what to do. Do I wait for one of them to call me? Or should I call? And if so, when? And which one do I call? Yeah, I "like" one of them better, but if I proceed in that way, I might just queer the whole deal (i.e. alienate the other maybe?). But they were probably just drunk and later regretted giving their numbers out to me. This is so sad that I'm even writing about it. Any other guy probably just would have rolled with it. But I truly and honestly have no idea what to do here. I seriously don't know how this shit works, I'm not joking. I just don't see any interest on their part, no potential on mine. By the end of the night, I think they were more amused by some little Asian guy with an Australian accent who was dancing up a storm near by. And me? Just standing there awkwardly shuffling my feet, a million thoughts going through my mind of what I should say next. Even writing about this, I'm in knots. This is why I'm sure I'm only two steps away from a nervous breakdown or throwing myself off a cliff.


Blogger Monica said...

I think you should call the one you "like" and ask if she and her friend want to go out with you and one of your friends (or a couple of people). It's a lot less stressful than asking her out on a one-on-one date.

November 15, 2007 11:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

excellent advice monica. mike, as I told you on wenesday (and thanks again for coming), you're not going to be having any less sex with her than you are right now, right? People don't hand out phone numbers for no reason. make plans for next weekend.


November 16, 2007 12:27 PM  
Blogger cutekilla said...

Call them! Monica's suggestion is right on. Just play it as a friendly thing and see what develops. You gotta be in it to win it, my friend.

November 16, 2007 12:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

goddamn it man everyone is right, its better going in platonic then let things develop.its better to slowly figure out the situtaion, just be that guy you were at the party.


November 16, 2007 7:38 PM  
Blogger Kid Icarus said...

Hmm, well I just don't know. I'm still not really sure how to proceed, despite all the kind advice from you good folk.

First off, Monica's suggestion is fairly sound, except for the fact that I don't have any place to invite them (her?). I'd love to say that I have somewhere that I'm going and to ask them if they want to come along, but I've got nothing. This is one of the reasons I miss having D-Rock around, I could always count on him for something like this. On the downside, he's better looking than I am and more charming, so he'd also make me look bad be default.

And next weekend is probably no good. I have to help my sister move on Friday and I have a birthday thing on the Saturday which I'm just going to by myself. So it ain't gonna work. Does this mean it will be too late?

But the bottom line is that I guess I could just place a call...I suppose that there's no harm in that. Even though the prospect of doing so absolutely scares me to death. I wish I could visualize it going well, instead of me calling and hearing "oh, uh...I can't talk right now I'm busy" and that being the end of that.

I'm just too much of a chicken-shit to do anything. The only reason I was even able to get to the level I was at (i.e. talking to them at all and not being a total self-deprecating and insecure loser) was that I was hitting the white stuff. Otherwise I hate myself and have so much self-doubt that I'm barely able to make anything happen. Why can't I be like other guys and just go with it?

November 17, 2007 11:10 PM  
Blogger cutekilla said...

Invite them to the movies! To a pool hall! To hang out in the park and get hammered! The possibilities are endless...

You need to get over your fear, because I can guarantee you that nobody you will meet in this life will be harder on you than you already are on yourself. When it comes to yourself, you really are one judgmental bastard!

November 20, 2007 9:23 PM  
Blogger Kid Icarus said...

It's terrible. I needed last week's notes for one of my classes and I was terrified to even ask someone if they could send them to me. It took me like 15 minutes to psych myself up to do it.

As for calling some people I don't know...I want to and I just can't. I have enough trouble calling up people I've known for years and asking them if they want to do something. I'm scared that they don't want to hear from me and certainly don't want to do anything. Fear has pretty much totally consumed my life. Even thinking about it is putting my stomach in knots.

And again, I would want to invite them somewhere, but I have no group activity or even anyone to be a go-along to make things easier. So if I did invite them wherever, they'd quickly see that I have no friends and am therefor a loser and therefor not worth their time.

Maybe I should just let it go and accept the fact that I am going to lead a very solitary life.

November 21, 2007 3:00 PM  

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