Thursday, October 25, 2007

Artificial happiness is better than none at all. Right?

So sometimes when I'm immensely depressed in the late hours I like to jot my depressing thoughts down on a piece of paper in my barely legible hand. Things that are often too much even for "The Most Depressing Blog in the World" in fact. I usually just file them away somewhere and forget about them. They're often rambling and incoherent anyways, so it's no big loss. But just for fun I thought I'd publish the one that I wrote this past Sunday (or early Monday morning if you will). Here it is.

I really truly do wish I could be happy and have some semblance of a normal life and an even remotely happy existence. But depression really is a lousy thing and it makes it so hard to make it through the day. It's just such a damned struggle. I understand that it's not easy for a lot of us, but when you're sad and tired and unable to shake the feeling that everyone hates you, things aren't easy. Waking up to the thought of just how worthless and stupid and ugly you are isn't fun. And believe me, it's not easy to shake it.

For instance, today was a fairly decent day, at least by my standards. I probably would have slept in until 3:00 PM had not my old pal Marty Boy given me a ring to remind me that he and I and our other old friend Mario were gonna hit the local pub to have a few drinks and watch some football. So I climb my ass out of bed and head over there. Love it when your breakfast consists of Jalapeno Poppers and a pint of Boddingtons. Have a good time in general. Can't really go wrong with football and beer. Get home and do a few things around the house, try to get a bit of reading done. I don't quite finish what I wanted to, but it's not such a big deal. I did get all of my assignments done this week that needed to be done and there's no major pressure, at least for a little while. So all in all, my stress level is manageable.

I did have a bit of a headache, so I took a nap which suddenly spiraled out of control. Otherwise would have gone down to my other good pal Beer's new place to watch game 7 of the ALCS. Though my own inability to get up ruined that, I still had the option. So I really should be feeling loved and popular and all that jazz.

Yet I will wake up the same way tomorrow as I always do. I'll feel like shit and wish I was dead. 26 years old and still in my last year of university. Everyone else my age has graduated long ago. Still living at home and in no position to change that. My future? What future. What to do with a lousy English degree? Still lonely and desperate and single. Haven't been on so much as a date since March and there are NO prospects on the horizon. Not like it matters. I haven't had any sort of relationship lasting more than three months, if you can even call them 'relationships'. Though I'm unclear of the definition, I don't even think I've ever even had a 'girlfriend'. At any rate I'm so badly inexperienced and out of the game that it scarcely matters.

.....And I am now officially out of blow again. Yes I know, I shouldn't do the stuff. But it does make me feel good, if only for a little while. Granted it's artificial, but it's still better than nothing. And I do need something, at least once in a while. Don't worry folks, I haven't got anymore of the stuff and I'm not likely to score more anytime soon. Like the last time it was just one of those fluke things. But it served its purpose. Over the last few days I actually felt good about myself as I lay there trying to fall asleep. And though I felt like shit the next morning, that's really nothing new.

Anyways my immediate future doesn't look too bright. My access to coke is probably cut off (again) which is probably a good thing. It's really far too expensive. Not to mention all the physical side-effects and such. No plans for the weekend and I don't exactly foresee anyone giving me a shout or anything. If I were doing anything, I'd probably already know about it. Just me, Bobo, baseball and beer. No yayo sadly, which means I'll have to count on those other things to carry me through. I do hope that it's a good series and not just more blowouts like last night. For the last few years the actual World Series itself has been a total bust, not able to live up to the previous rounds. We'll see, tonight’s game is so far looking like a good contest. Anyways, it's on now so I'd better get back to watching. One of these days I'm going to need a better reason than baseball to get out of bed in the morning.


So Jacoby Ellsbury stole second base in the bottom of the 4th inning. So what? I'll tell you what. This means that every single person in the United States gets a free taco on October 30th. A FREE TACO. While this amazing promotion on behalf of the good people at Taco Bell is great news for everyone south of the 49th Parallel, once again us poor jerks up here in Canada are shit out of luck. I have to pay 50% more for my CDs despite the dollar's parity, I can't watch free streamed TV episodes on the big networks' websites and now this. I fucking hate Canada. Forget Iran, invade us and bring us free tacos. I wouldn't put up a fight.


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