Friday, November 17, 2006

James Bond can get away with the old "Fuck and Chuck" so why can't the rest of us?

Hey folks, please note my change in Blog name. After being 'King Hippo' since the beginning of my blogging days (preceding even this blog), I felt it was time for a change. Besides, I always had the feeling that it would lead people to assume that I'm morbidly obese, when in fact I'm in rather good shape.

Anyhow in honor of the release of the 21st (!!!) James Bond adventure, Casino Royale, I've decided to post what I think are the various bests and worsts in the Bond film cannon up to now. I wish I could go see the flick this weekend, but I really have quite the research essay I need to work on. I’m only allowing myself one night out, which happens to be tonight, right after I post this. I’m off to pursue…various activities of which Mr. Bond would be proud. Also, I’m just doing this quickly, really from memory. But still, it should be fun and might even open up some debate. You never know. Also, I won’t be doing links for all the films, actors and characters. It’s too much work and if you want to know something, look it up your damned self.


Best Bond Film: On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Yup, I'm one of those. In my estimation, I'm sorry to say that I don't believe there to be a "perfect" Bond film. This one really does come close. Great adventure, a tight plot, the best romance and Lazenby really isn't as bad as so many people make him out to be! Had Connery stuck around for this one, might it have been perfect though? Very possible, but sadly we'll never know. Still, it's my fave.

Runner up: From Russia With Love. Connery at his peak.

Worst Bond Film: Moonraker. It's a wonder that they managed to recover so well and make For Your Eyes Only (my favourite Moore) only two years after hitting rock bottom with this mess. From the stupid opening (ugh, Jaws is back. Great.) to the completely uninvolving "climax" this one is so gimmicky and dull, it really has little to recommend it, other than a decent Bond girl and a pretty good song.

Runner up: Live and Let Die. Yeah, it stinks, sorry. From the Southern Sherrif to that swamp boat scene that goes on FOREVER...*yawn*

Best Opening Sequence: The Spy Who Loved Me. I mean there really isn't any debating this one. Roger Moore "skiing" down a mountain (well, blue screen) to great 70's era grooves until he skis off the mountain! Oh no, our hero is doomed! But then the Union Jack parachute opens. So sweet.

Runner up: The World Is Not Enough. A pretty lousy entry, but the boat chase with Bond ending up on the Milennium Dome is pretty sweet, I must say.

Worst Opening Sequence: Live and Let Die. So you have a new Bond to introduce to the world and you don't even show him? Just some random loser agents getting offed by baddies? Come on.

Runner up: A View To A Kill. Ancient Roger Moore snowboarding down a mountain to "California Girls". Give me a break.

Best Theme Song: Nobody Does It Better (from The Spy Who Loved Me). There are a lot of good ones to pick from here, but I've always been partial to this sweet and tender Carly Simon offering.

Runner up: Live and Let Die. Paul McCartney's rocking track is one of the few good things about this lousy film.

Worst Theme Song: The Man With The Golden Gun. I was having lunch with a couple of my new school friends and somehow this came up. It was a unanimous agreement that this is BY FAR the worst of the Bond songs. "He has a POWERFUL WEA-PON...He charges a MILLION a SHOT!" Ugh.

Runner up- Never Say Never Again. Whatever, I consider it a Bond film. And I pretty good one at that. But the song is awful.

Best Villain- Auric Goldfinger. Even the fact that Gert Frobe's voice is dubbed (I know, I know) doesn't detract from the fact that this tub of lard is the iconic Bond villain.

Runner up- Francisco Scaramanga (i.e. The Man With the Golden Gun). Christopher Lee is one of my favourite actors, okay? Plus, I always think this is an underrated film overall.

Worst Villain- Blofeld in Diamonds Are Forever. They never totally got the character right (Telly Savalas was actually closest in OHMSS) and Charles Grey was totally wrong. He was so weak and fey that Connery's toupee could have wiped the floor with him.

Runner-up- Hugo Drax (Moonraker). Yawn.

Best Henchman- Grant in FRWL. Totally awesome villain. He's cool when he doesn't speak for half the movie and remains boss when he finally does open his mouth. Plus the fight in the train car is possibly the best scene in a 007 film.

Runner-up- Oddjob. I wish I had a massive, mute Korean manservant / caddie.

Worst Henchman- Jaws (TSWLM and Moonraker). Almost certainly my least favourite Bond character ever. I always found him and his inexplicable indestructiveness so annoying. They kill off every other villain, yet they let this guy live.

Runner-up- That annoying jerkass with the glasses in For Your Eyes Only. I don't remember his name, but I do love the scene where Moore dispatches of him by kicking his car over a cliff.

Best Bond Girl- Tracy in OHMSS. This was easily the hardest category for me. So many things to balance. Looks, personality, toughness, attitude, etc. I finally settled on Diana Rigg (AKA Emma Peel). She exemplifies all the things I was looking for, plus she actually gets James to the alter!

Runner-up- Cary Lowell in License to Kill. She's super-hot, plus also very kickass in this, another underrated Bond movie. Currently married to "Gerbil Boy" Richard Gere.

Worst Bond Girl (tie)- Any of the useless bimbo Bond Girls, like Britt Ekland in TMWTGG, Tanya Roberts in AVTAK, Doctor (!!!) Denise Richards in TWINE, Jill St. John in DAF etc. The ones who are nice to look at, but really don't offer up any true substance.

Runner-up- Halle Berry (Jinx) in Die Another Day. Not because she's really that bad, but because she's a bit of a disappointment and because Rosamund Pike (Miranda Frost) is way cooler.


So that's it. I'm sure I could have done other categories like Best Car or Best Gadget or Best Action Sequence etc. But I'm already enough of a nerd, so I suppose I should leave things where they are. Now I have to go and possibly have sex.


Blogger Mark said...

I remember liking Jaws from years and years ago. I'm not sure what I'd think if I watched one of the movies today.

Completely agree with the opening of The Spy Who Loved Me.

November 18, 2006 11:32 AM  
Blogger the Colonel said...

First of all, I love lists. I love making them, and I love arguing about them. The artist formerly known as King Hippo knows this, and so it should come as no surprise that I'm going to put up a fight regarding some of his choices.

Best Bond Film: Either Goldfinger or Goldeneye. OHMSS definitely has a good plot, but the movie goes on for far too long and Lazenby is a stiff. Seriously, how can a movie with the worst Bond be the best Bond film? I cry nonsense on that one.

Worst Bond Film: Moonraker, no argument there. The space battle is absolutely ludicrous, just awful.

Runner up: Diamonds are Forever. Problems aplenty in this film, including a haggard, poorly toupeed Sean Connery (almost as old-looking as Roger Moore in a View to a Kill) and a massive continuity error (the cross-dressing Blofeld has somehow recovered from his broken neck, only to be sporting it again in For Your Eyes Only). Not to mention some of the worst dialogue in any of the Bond films ("as long as the collar and cuffs match").

Best Opening Sequence: The Living Daylights. A training exercise gone awry leads to Bond dropping in on a sexy dame's yacht. Angry Bond Timothy Dalton gruffly commandeers her phone and reports to Exercise Control.
"007 here. I'll report in an hour."
"Won't you join me?"
"...better make that two."

Worst Opening Sequence: A View To A Kill. Just rough.

Best Theme Song: A View to a Kill. Yes I am biased by my 80s love, but dammit this Duran Duran offering makes me want to dance into the fire every time.

Runner up: Anything with Shirley Bassey, if only because she goes over the top like 40 times each song. "Diamonds aaaaaaare FOREVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"!

Worst Theme Song: For the record I actually enjoy the Man With The Golden Gun... so bad it's good. No this has to go to Louis Armstrong's "We Have All the Time in the World", technically the theme song from OHMSS. He's not exactly easy on the ears.

Best Villain - Either Scaramanga or Gustav Graves from Die Another Day... cocky men who relish the opportunity to face Bond one-on-one.

Worst Villain - Blofeld from Diamonds are Forever. Although, honourable mention here for the villain whose quirk they did the LEAST with, Renard from The World is Not Enough. He had that cool thing where a bullet in his brain was slowly robbing him of his senses, allowing him to feel no pain and they did pretty much nothing with it. What a waste.

Best Henchman - Oddjob... the winner by a mile, with the only possible contender being Xenia Onatopp from Goldeneye... I think I'd let myself die from asphyxiation if it meant giving Famke Janssen an orgasm.

Worst Henchman - MAYDAY!!! Not only the worst henchman, but the worst girl Bond has ever slept with BY FAR. Try not to picture a sweaty, masculine Grace Jones grunting as she mounts Bond from behind.

Best Bond Girl - Tie between Tracy in OHMSS and Jane Seymour's character who I think was named Domino from Live and Let Die. Blessed with a psychic gift as long as she maintains her virginity... guess how that one turns out? Jaw-droppingly gorgeous, I'd die all kinds of ways if it meant getting a piece of her OR Diana Rigg.

Worst Bond Girl - Denise Richards was laughable as a Nuclear Physicist in TWISNE, but if the only criteria for being a Bond girl is having Bond sleep with you then yet again I offer you Mayday. (shudder)

November 18, 2006 1:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How could you make a bond list without including most suggestive/sexiest/nuttiest bond girl name?

Top 3:
Pussy Galore
Alottavagina (oh wait, that was Austin Powers)


November 22, 2006 1:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought it was Ivana Humpalot from Austin Powers!

(heart) Dosi

November 22, 2006 3:39 PM  
Blogger Kid Icarus said...

I hate the Austin Powers movies.

Also, is it just me or was Pussy Galore sort of nasty? I mean I didn't find her attractive at all.

November 22, 2006 8:45 PM  

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