Friday, March 03, 2006

I think I'm okay....I don't know.

Haven't mixed pills and alcohol in the last little while, so I guess that's a plus. I've been far too busy with damned school. Finished one essay, so that's a plus. Only one day late, which is pretty good as well. It was the longest, at 2500 words. Have two more due on Monday. One is on Hamlet, so I'm not worried there. The other, however is in the class that I've paid no attention in and am in danger of failing because I have no idea what the hell anything is about. Dang. If I managed to finish and do a reasonable job on it by Monday, that should really take a huge weight off.

Still been very miserable lately. A few nights ago, as is often the case, it took me about four hours to fall asleep. It's probably because I can't stop thinking about various thing, I just can't seem to clear my mind. Surprise, surprise none of the things I think about are very positive. It all just makes me rather depressed, to a rather large degree. I feel okay right now, but man, when I couldn't get to sleep that night I was not in a good frame of mind.

In response to the comments on the last post, D Rock is probably right, I do need a friend. I mean, I try and hang out with various people, I really do. But I can't remember the last time someone called me out of the blue and asked to hang out. On the rare occasions I do go out, it's me asking individuals if they want to do something, with a pretty high rejection rate. It has to go both ways. I just want to feel wanted, like someone really wants to hang out with me and goes out of their way to do so. By that, all I mean is picking up a phone and giving me a shout. D Rock would always do so, he's a great friend. Getting him to go out and do something wasn't like pulling teeth. Marty Boy does call once in a while to his credit, but as D Rock pointed out, he is somewhat boring. All we seem to do is go to the same bar and have a few drinks and that's it. I realize that I'm the one in the position of needing friends and though it's hard for me, I am making as best an effort as I can. But if there's no interest, no initiative from other parties, how am I to feel, what am I to think? And I don't want pity....I'm afraid that the only reason anyone is going to want to hang out with me if they know I have no friends is out of pity. I don't need that, it'll just make me feel worse.

Last night, I actually went out for drinks and a bite with a new co-worker. She's cute, but has a boyfriend. I asked her if she wanted to do something, I don't know if she ever would have asked me. And would she have agreed to do something had she been single? I really don't know, only the girls who have boyfriends seem to be nice to me. Had a good conversation we did, I probably blabbed on about my life far too much, as I'm wont to do. Still, it was alright. The problem is, everytime I go out it's with an attached female and it's always with one person. I need a group of friends. How does one accomplish that? Plus, I'd really be happy to make more guy friends. It'd be nice, but how does a guy 'pick up' another guy without it being gay? I have no clue.

Anyways I think I probably had more that I wanted to say, but my head is really starting to hurt, plus I should go take a shower. Have to go to work, then it's essay time all weekend. At least this weekend I have an excuse for not having a life!


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