Friday, January 11, 2008

Going down hill fast!

If I may make a prediction, I think I'd have to say that I'm not going to make it through to the end of this year. I just don't see it happening. Pretty much every day things seem to be getting worse and I don't see that trend reversing. I mean I really am starting to seriously lose it.

It was a particularly long and grueling day yesterday. I left the house at about 9:00 AM and didn't get back until about 12 hours later. My day consisted of trying to desperately stay awake in classes in my feverish state and lots of walking around to the various parts of mammoth campus getting various things done that needed to be done. The weather had dipped back down to just above the freezing point after our lovely record highs. I wouldn't normally have minded, but my illness really didn't agree with it. When I finally returned to the (relative) comfort of my home, I decide to play some video games. It was a bad call. As I've said here before, I rather stink at them and it very often serves to really upset me. Failing countless times to pass a level on the easiest setting just seems to remind me of how I'm really not good at anything and don't have any discernable talents or skills. It brought me back to the conversation I had with my uncle on Sunday on career hunting. One piece of advice he gave me was to find things that I enjoy and look for things that are even remotely related. Theoretically it's good advice but I was crushed when I discovered there truly isn't anything I like to do. Every goddamned thing is a chore to me. The only things I seem to actually enjoy doing are watching TV and drinking. You know that even though I have a pretty good DVD collection, I seldom watch DVDs, choosing just to stick with the same crap that's on cable? The act of choosing a movie to watch is too much of an effort for me, as would be the act of have to stick to it for the next 2 hours. Sad.

So that pissed me off. Everything is doing so lately. I was never this irritable before, not in an 'angry' sense. I was depressed and miserable, yes. But now I'm losing my temper, a lot. I kicked a hole through a parcel out of anger today. I flipped out at a co-worker for something another co-worker had done. I've come thisclose to road rage three times in the past two days. But at other times it's just nerves and I'm biting my nails, even though there is nothing left to bite at all. If you saw my hands, you'd see what I mean. Or lying in bed last night I was seriously just thinking that I should give all this talk a rest, go off and hand myself and be done with it already, sooner rather than later. But then I fell asleep. At least I've been sleeping well lately, thanks to the Tylenol PM.

In all, I really do think I'm just barely hanging on and could snap at any time. I'm not even sure in what way. But nothing is helping right now, it is just getting worse and it will continue to get worse. I really think I'll be much happier when I'm dead.


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