Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Fantastic News

Oh, beloved blog readers, please listen well. I know that this is a perfect reflection of he who runs it; after all, at one point both were great. Back in the good days I had comment after comment and was quite the popular figure in the land of ones and zeros, just as I once was in the world of flesh and blood. Things haven't been the same as of late, perhaps something to do with my lack of bloggy effort, perhaps people have just lost interest. I'm not quite sure. But what matters right now, is that I need your help, oh faithful friends. This is one post that I'm going to need all the advice I can get. So please, I implore you all to read carefully, think hard and tell me what to do. My future hinges upon your feedback. Thank you.

So what is this fantastic news? No, I don't have a car just yet, but hopefully will by the end of the month. Monkeys didn't mess up my school transcript and mistakenly assign my straight A's. And I certainly didn't come into any money. If that were the case, I'd be in Hawaii right now. No, this fantastic news actually calls into question me being any sort of decent person. The fact that I was elated upon hearing it and immediately had all the gears turning inside my head perhaps makes me a bad person. But I don't fucking care.

Cute Red Head's boyfriend broke up with her.

Yes, I am thrilled at the dissolution of a relationship. A SIX YEAR relationship. Wow. Now I know that the end of a six year relationship must be very hard on someone and they inevitably need time off and all that shit. But I need to act. Now. I need to get the wheels in motion somehow, for fear of losing my place in line, as it were. This is where all of you fine people come in. I need to know what to do next. I need to plan my next move. I need to know exactly what speed to travel at here and exactly how to make sure they stay broken up. Yes, again I am a lousy person. I don't care.

Some pertinent information....Like I said, this is the end of a six and a half year relationship and the only one either has been in. According to her, this is not the first time this has happened, though in her words "this time it seems far more serious". She says that they are best friends and always end up back together again, he misses her, she misses him. I have to make sure that doesn't happen this time. Sew the seeds of doubt, whatever. She's said that they don't get along all the time and that they get in the way of each other's school-work. He wants to see other people, seeing as he's only ever dated her. He's 'curious' and this is what hurts her the most, because she is not or so she claims. I have to somehow peak her curiosity...but how?

Now, some further complications. She lives on the opposite end of the city. Can be a problem. Also, she's a worse student than I am and skips lots of classes, so I don't get to see her very much anymore. The final kicker is that she plans to switch schools next year, over to Ryerson. It's still downtown Toronto, but not nearly as convenient in terms of 'hanging out'.

But all this is moot, I guess. I need to get on this now, just like I said. If I wait, I run the risk of someone else getting in there or her and dude getting back together. My time is now, people. What do I do, help me out here. I'm counting on all of you. I know you won't let me down.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Hippo, I will feed your desires and hopefully aid in your carnal cravings.

First, let me start with some background information. I know a certain girl (I can't say her name, but she is older and a good friend of mine) who spent most of her highschool years, all of her university years, and one year after university with her boyfriend. The total time was something close to like 8 years. Anyways, the guy broke up with her. It did not take long for her to find a replacement, somewhere in the range of 1-3 months or something like that. They have now been dating for almost two years, and she seems significantly more pleased. Girls usually find another partner quite quickly, I don't know why or how, it just happens. Obviously you want to be that man, and history has proven that it is possible.

First, I would recommend to not push too hard right away. Any "seeds of doubt" you try to plant may prove to be your undoing. Instead (and I know it sounds cheesy) you have to play the understanding good friend role, but just for a short while, until you make your intentions clear. But I must warn you, be careful not to become either the "bestest buddy" or the "jealousy figure" and by that I mean the guy she uses to make her boyfriend jealous so that he comes back to her.

That brings me to my next point, and it might be crucial, but somehow you have to figure out if there is ANY chance of them getting back together. If there is, you might just be wasting your time. I have seen the backslide so many times it is no longer surprising. How you go about this may require some stealth and lots of skill. You have to figure out what's going on without seeming to be too nosy. I know it probably sucks, but it would be best to let her bring it up. If you find she is ALWAYS bringing it up, there are some warning signs. If however, she seems "cool" with the situation, then chances are they are finito.

If everything falls into place so far, then I would recommend some form of get-to-gether. Not from Toronto, I really don't know "what's hot" but something that is fun, allows you to talk, yet is not overly mushy. DO NOT meet for lunch dates, you have to go for the evening. Getting a coffee at school does not count. Eating lunch together does not count. Hanging out between classes at school does not count. Going out somewhere between a large class break to the mall might be a step in the right direction, but I would honestly press for evening. These are "friend" things and that's not who you want to be.

Unfortunately, time may be your enemy. The end of school is fast approaching, and the summer break often fizzle's budding romance (either due to lack of proximity, different social groups, etc.) You are going to have to act fast (in my opinion), and the only tips I can give you are from personal experience.

I don't know how much you guys talk, obviously enough for her to tell you that she and her boyfriend broke up. Perhaps an early evening (7-8pm) dinner at a local pub followed by some brews might work. At least, that is what worked for me with my last feminine interest. Start it casual, but as the drinks start to flow, you can push the conversation in a more appropriate direction. As for movies, not too subtle, and probably too soon. Walks can be good, but again, I personally wouldn't want to be walking around downtown Toronto in the evening, but that's just me.

Ultimately, I guess it just boils down to two things. You have to find out if its over for good, and then you have to get in there. Also, if you are just looking for some quick fun, you could play "rebound guy", but I just find that a recipe for disaster / heartbreak.

Unfortunately, it is hard to provide advice when I don't have a solid understanding of the situation. Perhaps you could ask some questions, and I might be able to help more. Who knows. Anyways, I will conclude by wishing you the best of luck, and I am sure you can make this happen if you play your cards right.

(heart) Dosi

March 24, 2006 4:09 AM  
Blogger Squirrely said...

Just don't play the "shoulder to cry on" guy. Girls hate that. It only works in the movies.

March 24, 2006 8:53 AM  
Blogger Daphne said...

The Squirrel is right. Playing the "shoulder guy" game will land you squarely in the friend zone. Play it cool.

March 24, 2006 4:50 PM  
Blogger the Colonel said...

...and while playing it cool, undercut her ex every chance you get.

March 24, 2006 11:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Also, try and see if she goes for a slipadicktomy. I find that once you pull off that manoeuver, you are set!

(heart) Dosi

March 25, 2006 4:33 AM  
Blogger King Hippo said...

Thank you all, especially our good friend Double D for the advice. I'd have probably gone for being shoulder guy otherwise. I guess I just have to ask her to do something first, hanging out or whatever. I've just got to go for it and not be affraid. We'll see what happens.

Also, what did you mean by 'goes for a slapadicktome'? I'm lost on that one.

March 25, 2006 7:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dunno, I heard it on Nip/Tuck. I assume it has something to do with slipping it in (the penis) before she knows what happened. I could be wrong.

(heart) Dosi

March 26, 2006 11:58 AM  

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