Beer and Bobo keeping me company at the moment
Right now I am at the very utmost pit of misery and although things haven't gotten any worse (so far as I can tell) I can see the potential for that to happen because I not able to picture life getting any better. I'm not any closer to finding any sort of a 'real' job, probably because I've barely put any effort into looking. I keep meaning to do something, polish off the resume, work on cover letters, explore monster.ca and workopolis, check out a temp agency, whatever. But I've done very little in that regard. By the time I get home from my crappy job I'm so tired and miserable that I can barely move. Even when I have a day off like I did today nothing gets accomplished. I'm exhausted nearly all the time, probably at least one clue that I really, truly am depressed. And when the first thought that enters your mind when you wake up is inevitably "I wish I was dead", that can't be good.
I did make an attempt to volunteer for my party in the upcoming Federal Election. It's something I've been wanting to do the last couple of times but was too busy with school or at least that was my excuse because I was too scared or lazy to sign up. But this time I did do just that, yet no one has gotten back to me and it's been almost a week. I guess I'll try again but if I still don't get a reply, I'll really feel even more like a loser. Being rejected for volunteer work? Ouch. And it's something I think I actually want to do. I feel like a well-deserved majority mandate is within reach for Mr. Harper and the Conservative Party which is an exciting prospect for me. Maybe I'm not even good enough to be a tiny, insignificant part of it. Just to feel wanted...
Speaking of which, having no companionship (other than my dog) is really starting to get to me. I went out bowling with a friend this past Friday night. Before that my last social outing was to see a ballgame with my pal Coop. That was three weeks prior. Normal people, people who actually have friends get out more than once every three weeks or so I suspect. Christ, am I ever lonely. I'm not even going to get into female companionship because that's an even more upsetting chapter. I'm trying the lavalife thing and 'Hot or Not' which worked for me somewhat in the past. Right now I am having ZERO success. Maybe I'm subconsciously not trying, who knows? I just know I'm not getting any matches or replies or whatever. I used to. Now....well, now I have even less than I had before and that certainly wasn't much.
I'm also likely developing a substance abuse problem. Worse than before. Pretty much all my money seems to go into it, that and gasoline. If I had a social life I might be in real trouble because I don't know how I'd afford anything. Then again if my life was more pleasant I probably wouldn't have to rely upon all this shit to give me a boost. I don't know if that's necessarily true but I like to speculate. I do know that there was a time when I was happy at least some of the time and had people who would call me up to do shit. A time when I abusing my body with habits that are far too expensive. I'd drop the occasional big bucks on beer and lap-dances from time to time, but that was pretty much it. The last time I went to a strip club it left me feeling not only unfulfilled but rather empty. Having an attractive woman feign interest in me for the duration of a three minute song was no longer enough, no longer worth my twenty bucks. As time goes on I'm beginning to feel that it's the closest to being loved I'll ever get.
At least I don't smoke anymore. I'm probably the only person I know who quit smoking with absolutely no effort or conscious decision. I was a regular smoker but I can honestly say that I was never addicted. I just enjoyed it. Then it stopped bringing me pleasure, I just didn't like it any longer. So I stopped. But I guess that isn't so strange coming from me. There really isn't much that does bring me happiness or enjoyment anymore. I like to sleep. Because whenever I'm awake all I can seem to think of is just how sad I really am.
I did make an attempt to volunteer for my party in the upcoming Federal Election. It's something I've been wanting to do the last couple of times but was too busy with school or at least that was my excuse because I was too scared or lazy to sign up. But this time I did do just that, yet no one has gotten back to me and it's been almost a week. I guess I'll try again but if I still don't get a reply, I'll really feel even more like a loser. Being rejected for volunteer work? Ouch. And it's something I think I actually want to do. I feel like a well-deserved majority mandate is within reach for Mr. Harper and the Conservative Party which is an exciting prospect for me. Maybe I'm not even good enough to be a tiny, insignificant part of it. Just to feel wanted...
Speaking of which, having no companionship (other than my dog) is really starting to get to me. I went out bowling with a friend this past Friday night. Before that my last social outing was to see a ballgame with my pal Coop. That was three weeks prior. Normal people, people who actually have friends get out more than once every three weeks or so I suspect. Christ, am I ever lonely. I'm not even going to get into female companionship because that's an even more upsetting chapter. I'm trying the lavalife thing and 'Hot or Not' which worked for me somewhat in the past. Right now I am having ZERO success. Maybe I'm subconsciously not trying, who knows? I just know I'm not getting any matches or replies or whatever. I used to. Now....well, now I have even less than I had before and that certainly wasn't much.
I'm also likely developing a substance abuse problem. Worse than before. Pretty much all my money seems to go into it, that and gasoline. If I had a social life I might be in real trouble because I don't know how I'd afford anything. Then again if my life was more pleasant I probably wouldn't have to rely upon all this shit to give me a boost. I don't know if that's necessarily true but I like to speculate. I do know that there was a time when I was happy at least some of the time and had people who would call me up to do shit. A time when I abusing my body with habits that are far too expensive. I'd drop the occasional big bucks on beer and lap-dances from time to time, but that was pretty much it. The last time I went to a strip club it left me feeling not only unfulfilled but rather empty. Having an attractive woman feign interest in me for the duration of a three minute song was no longer enough, no longer worth my twenty bucks. As time goes on I'm beginning to feel that it's the closest to being loved I'll ever get.
At least I don't smoke anymore. I'm probably the only person I know who quit smoking with absolutely no effort or conscious decision. I was a regular smoker but I can honestly say that I was never addicted. I just enjoyed it. Then it stopped bringing me pleasure, I just didn't like it any longer. So I stopped. But I guess that isn't so strange coming from me. There really isn't much that does bring me happiness or enjoyment anymore. I like to sleep. Because whenever I'm awake all I can seem to think of is just how sad I really am.
posted by King Hippo at 10:49 PM
5 Comments:
Mike, good for you for quitting smoking. Now it's time to tackle the rest of it.
And don't worry too much about not hearing back re. voulenteering: they'll probably need people right before the election.
Mike, have you thought of contacting an employer you'd absolutely love to work for?
My life changed when I joined BMW. I love the daily exchanges with my colleagues and customers, the trips to Germany, the bonuses, etc...
Trust me, reach out to the "employer of your dreams" and convey your passion. That's the best way to get a job and maybe turn things around.
You can do it!
Beer: To be fair, I didn't exactly "quit" smoking. I just sort of grew tired of it and ceased enjoying it. So it really didn't involve any effort or willpower on my part. So it's not like I 'tackled' anything.
And I hope you're right about the election stuff. This is the first time in a very long while that I've made an effort to join something, trying something new. Even making the attempt is not easy for me and I'd feel so lousy if I were not wanted as a volunteer for something I actually want to do.
Anonymous (??): Yeah, people have recommended that I at least try to go for something that genuinely interests me. Problem is that I can't think of what that nay be.
Of course I know that it's not highly likely that your first 'real' job is going to be one that you really like but it can't hurt to at least try for it, even in a broad sense. I have no clue what I want or even what interests me, strange though that may sound. And every time I try to think about it I feel so overwhelmed and confused that it just makes me miserable.
I'm 27 and don't have even the vaguest idea as to what I want (besides make money). That really frightens me.
I quit smoking in Feburary without anyones help thank you. and I think my myspace profile blog is just about as depressing as yours. maybe even more so. but then again Im old I work retail and I got divorced I have little to no social life plus my ex married into money and I get to hear about it all the time. oh yeah and the current boyfreind is a jerk. woo hoo.by the way I could read your depressing blog better if it werent white lettering on black (very hard to read) anyways glad to hear Im not the only cursed soul on the planet carry on.
I quit smoking in feburary now I can be just as obnoxious as those who used to pursecute me for smoking. I am old I work retail and I am divorced so I may be a real contender for being more depressing than your blog.Also my current boyfriend is a married jerk without a soul and I live on a dirt road in the desert. BTY old farts like me could read your blog better if you didnt put white letters on black background for artistic effect.carry on.
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